Capital Reviews

 War of the Visions: Final Fantasy Brave Exvius [game] MAN, IT'S WEIRD, THIS IS A FINAL FANTASY TACTICS GAME MORE THAN ANY GAME BUT THE ORIGINAL WAS, BUT IT'S ALSO 100% A GACHAPON GAME SO LIKE, WELP. LIKE EARLY ON GACHAPON GAMES WERE JUST GAMES BUT BAD BUT RECENTLY BIG COMPANIES REALIZED IF THEY MADE A GOOD GAME BUT THEN MADE IT AWFUL THEY COULD MAKE EVEN MORE MONEY, SO LIKE, THIS GAME IS KINDA GOOD? BUT IS ALSO THE WORST? LIKE THE STAT SYSTEM IS SO IN DEPTH AND WELL THOUGHT OUT BUT IT'S SO CLEARLY BECAUSE MORE STATS = MORE THINGS TO SLOT MACHINE ROLL ON, AND LIKE, THE STORY IS PRETTY NOT BAD, AND A BUNCH OF THE CHARACTERS ARE GREAT, BUT AGAIN YOU KNOW IT'S BECAUSE BETTER CHARACTERS MAKES YOU MORE INVESTED IN THE FACT YOU NEED TO ROLL THEM ON THE SLOTS LIKE 8 TIMES TO ACTUALLY LEVEL THEM UP.  LIKE IT'S A LEGITIMATELY FUN GAME, BUT LIKE, CLEARLY THE FUN IS THERE TO MAKE YOU PLAY THE SLOT MACHINES. I NEVER PUT A SINGLE CENT IN BUT I DOUBT IT'S A COINCIDENCE THAT I

Persona 5 Royal [game] I REALLY REALLY LIKE PERSONA GAMES,  I BOUGHT PERSONA 5 ON THE FIRST DAY BUT COULDN'T MAKE MYSELF PLAY IT KNOWING THE UPDATED EDITION WOULD COME EVENTUALLY LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES AND IT DID AND NOW I PLAYED 101 HOURS OF THIS AND FINALLY BEAT IT. I LIKE THIS GAME A LOT. I THINK FOUR STILL WINS BECAUSE I THINK GOING TO HARD INTO THE HEIST THEMES WAS WORSE THAN THE REALLY PERSONAL STORY LEVELS OF FOUR BUT THIS IS STILL SO GOOD. I VAGUELY DISLIKED AKECHI AND ROYAL PUT WAY MORE OF HIM IN SO THAT WASN'T GREAT BUT I LIKED SO MUCH OF THIS. EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I RUINED IT A LITTLE BY JUST SORT OF ARBITRARILY DATING HAFUMI AND LIKE, WHO THE HECK CARES ABOUT HAFUMI? I DON'T. ALSO I LEGITIMATELY LIKE HOW OBVIOUS IT IS THAT THEY DESIGNED THE TUTORIAL AND OPENING ANIME BEFORE THE REST OF THE GAME AND HOW THEY CLEARLY SPEND HOURS OF GAMEPLAY TRYING TO RECONCILE HOW THE OPENING WENT WITH THE REST OF THE GAME.  PS. I LOVE HOW EXTREMELY JAPANESE THE PREMISE IS. LIKE Y

 Whipped And Steamy • Cosplay Café [game] IT'S A HENTAI LEMONADE STAND  DATING SIM. IT'S LIKE PG-13 AND VERY BAD AND ALL THE CHARACTERS YOU COULD ROMANCE ARE LIKE, HORRIBLE WEIRDOS AND ALSO RAPISTS.  PS. I WENT TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND MADE THEM PLAY ITCH.IO BUNDLE GAMES, THIS ONE WAS SHORT ENOUGH TO FINISH SO IT IS THE ONLY ONE GETTING A REVIEW. 

 In the Tall Grass [movie] I THINK IF I HAD WATCHED THIS IN THE RIGHT MOOD I WOULD HAVE LIKED IT A LOT BUT WATCHING IT NOW I JUST FELT SUPER ANNOYED BY IT. LIKE IT FEELS LIKE A MOVIE THAT HAD THE MOST ZERO DOLLAR AND 40 CENT BUDGET OF JUST FILMING THE WHOLE THING IN A FIELD THEN DECIDING THE FIX FOR THAT WAS TO BE ABSURDLY CONVOLUTED IN WEIRD FIELD MYTHOLOGY.  PS. I LIKE HOW THEY WANTED TO HAVE A PART WHERE THE GRASS TENTACLE RAPES HER BUT CLEARLY THEY CAN'T SHOW THAT SO THEY HAVE THE MOST ABSTRACT POSSIBLE SCENE TO TRY AND VAGUELY CONVEY WHAT IS GOING ON. LIKE GRASS GOES UP HER LEG, THEN SHE'S BLEEDING, THEN A CROW IS FLYING AROUND THEN THE SKY IS ALL CAMERA FILTERS THEN GRASS IS IN THE BABY. 

 The One I Love [movie] THIS MOVIE IS OKAY BUT NOT GREAT. THE PART THAT WAS GOOD WAS WATCHING THIS MOVIE REALLY RANDOMLY WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND PLAYING "WHAT GENRE IS THIS GOING TO BE"FOR A SUPER LONG TIME. PS. GENRE: "US" BUT MADE BY VERY WHITE PEOPLE

 Cherry 2000 [movie] HA, WHAT, THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY KINDA GOOD. IT'S A VERY BAD MAD MAX TYPE THING THAT IS LIKE 4000% LESS HORNY THAN THE PREMISE IMPLIES. ALSO IT HAS LAURANCE FISHBORNE IN IT FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS AS "GRU GRU LAWYER".  PS. BOTTLE CAT, BOTTLE CAT, BOTTLE CAT

 Elizabeth Harvest [movie] THIS MOVIE SUCKS. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT SPECIFICALLY ABOUT IT IS SO BAD BEYOND IT BEING BORING AND BAD BUT SOMETHING ABOUT IT MADE IT RUB ME THE WRONG WAY, ITS JUST AWFUL  PS. EVEN THE NAME IS ANNOYING 

 The Killing of a Sacred Deer [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REAL GOOD, BUT LIKE, WHY IS LANTHIMOS LIKE THAT? HAS ANYONE CHECKED ON HIM? IS HE OKAY? PS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S METAPHORICAL. MY EXAMPLE. IT'S A METAPHOR.

 Dora and the Lost City of Gold [movie] I WATCHED LIKE 90% OF THIS ON A PLANE A LONG TIME AGO BUT NOT THE ENDING SO I NEVER WROTE A REVIEW SO NOW IT'S ON AMAZON AND I COULD WATCH THE LAST TEN MINUTES. THIS IS A PRETTY FUNNY IDEA BUT GETS MORE BORING WHEN THEY GO TO THE JUNGLE. WHY DID THEY DO THAT? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER TO FILM AT A HIGHSCHOOL AND THAT IS WHERE THE HUMOR MOSTLY WAS.  PS. I LIED, 99% OF THE HUMOR IS HAVING EVERY OTHER CONVENTION OF THE SHOW FLATTENED INTO SOMETHING 'REALISTIC' THEN JUST HAVING  SWIPER JUST BE THERE AND NOT CHANGED AT ALL

 Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? [book, audiobook] THIS IS THAT CAITLIN DOUGHTY LADY ANSWERING QUESTIONS KIDS WROTE HER AND ITS PRETTY GOOD. IM SURE ITS GOT THE PODCAST TO BOOK PROBLEM OF JUST RECOVERING STUFF THE PODCAST COVERED BUT JOKES ON THEM, THIS WAS GOOD FOR ME BECAUSE IVE BARELY WATCHED ANY OF THE VIDEOS SO OT WAS MOSTLY NEW TO ME. PS ANSWER: MOSTLY NO, LIPS THOUGH

 I'm Thinking of Ending Things [movie] THIS MOVIE IS IN THE SAME GENRE AS 'MOTHER!' WHERE IT'S A SUPER AWKWARD MUNDANE SITUATION WITH INCREASINGLY FANTASTICAL ELEMENTS WHERE IT'S ALL A METAPHOR. IT'S VERY GOOD BUT ALSO EXTREMELY HARD TO WATCH.   PS. HONESTLY THIS MOVIE WAS REALLY GOOD AND I LIKE IT A LOT, BUT WITH 'MOTHER' DOING THIS SORT OF THING THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE SENSE EVERY PART MADE WITH THIS THE BROAD STROKES SYMBOLISM WORKS BUT THINKING ABOUT INDIVIDUAL THINGS THAT HAPPENED ARE KINDA HARD TO FIT IN THE CONCEPT. 

 Bill & Ted Face the Music [movie] THIS MOVIE IS EXTREMELY PROFOUNDLY BAD AND DUMB AND SEEMS LIKE A FAKE MOVIE THAT WOULD BE A SUPERBOWL AD OR SOMETHING BUT HONESTLY I REALLY LIKED THIS. I WATCHED THIS PIRATED AS SOME SORT OF VAGUE "TAKE THAT" TO PUNISH IT FOR COMING OUT IN THEATERS BUT IT'S HONESTLY GREAT AND FEELS LIKE A REAL BILL AND TED MOVIE. WHICH DOES NOT CONTRADICT THE FORMER CLAIM IT'S VERY BAD AND DUMB. PS. YOU LASERED OUR DAUGHTERS!?