Capital Reviews

THIS MOVIE WAS WEIRD, IT HAD A LOT OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT, IT TALKED TOO MUCH ABOUT SWIFFERS AND THEN JUST FLAT OUT SHOWED A CARLS JR COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THE CHARACTERS WERE WATCHING IT. ALSO IT HAD A LOT OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT FOR 'PORNHUB' WHICH SEEMED THE MOST WEIRD. PS. NO THE MOST WEIRD WAS THINKING OF THIS WHOLE MOVIE AS BEING ABOUT DON JOHN FROM ADVENTURE TIME.

LET'S JUST SAY IT: THE POEM IS AWFUL. THIS WHOLE GAME IS WRITTEN IN POEM AND WHOEVER WROTE IT JUST WASN'T UP TO IT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A LOSER FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT METER OR RHYME SCHEME BUT EVERY TIME THEY MESSED IT UP IT WAS LIKE RUBBING GLASS IN MY EYES. I AM APPARENTLY SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT RHYME SCHEME! PS. THIS GAME IS SUPER PRETTY, LIKE SUPER SUPER PRETTY.

OKAY, DID THIS MOVIE GET A LOT OF OUTRAGE BECAUSE I MEAN NITRROUS OXIDE IS A REAL DRUG PEOPLE REALLY TAKE. LIKE IF THEY JUST LISTED IT VAGUELY AS NITRO OR SOMETHING IT'D STILL BE THE SAME THING BUT IT SEEMS A STEP REMOVED. HE LITERALLY JUST GOT HIS POWERS FROM A DRUG PEOPLE ACTUALLY TAKE, NOT EVEN A FANTASY VERSION OF IT. PS. YOU MIGHT THINK I WATCHED THIS BECAUSE OF THE INDIE 500 WAS TODAY, BUT I WATCHED IT BECAUSE SOMEONE TEXTED ME ABOUT WATCHING THIS ON A BUS, BUT MAYBE THE BUS WAS SHOWING IT BECAUSE THE INDIE 500?

HOLY CRAP THIS WAS A GODZILLA MOVIE. LIKE 4REAL. IT WASN'T CLOVERFIELD OR PACIFIC RIM OR ANYTHING. IT WASN'T EVEN A REMAKE OF THE ORIGINAL. IT WAS FLAT OUT AN UNIRONICALLY A 1960S GODZILLA MOVIE AND MADE NO APOLOGIES FOR THAT. PS. I LOVE THAT THE HUMAN CHARACTERS HAD LITERALLY ZERO IMPACT ON THE PLOT IN ANY WAY AT ALL AND WONDER IF THAT TOO IS A REFERENCE TO THE WAY AMERICA EDITED SCENES INTO THE JAPANESE ORIGINALS THAT COULDN'T HAVE ANY EFFECT. AT NO POINT DID ANYTHING ANYONE DO ACTUALLY EFFECT ANYTHING.

I SAID I'D WATCH THIS MOVIE AND THEN I DID. IT WAS BACKGROUND NOISE FOR READING, IT'S FUN TO WATCH MOVIES AND BE ALL 'I'VE BEEN THERE!' THOUGH. PS. WHY WOULD AN INTERNATIONAL INTERSHIP PROGRAM LIKE THAT EVEN EXIST?

I MEAN THIS BOOK WASN'T BAD OR ANYTHING BUT IT SURE DID FEEL LIKE IT CONTINUED THE DECLINE FROM FREAKONOMICS TO SUPERFREAKONOMICS. I MEAN IT WAS INTERESTING BUT IT WAS ALSO 150 PAGES LONG AND A BOOK WHERE I READ THE ENTIRE THING IN THE SPAN OF WATCHING A MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSON MOVIE. PS. I REALLY THOUGHT THE LAST CHAPTER BEING ABOUT QUITTING WAS GOING TO BE A LEADUP TO THEM SAYING 'HEY, WE QUIT, L8R' BECAUSE THEY CLEARLY DON'T WANT TO WRITE THESE BOOKS ANYMORE.

I SAW THIS ON A PLANE AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS MOVIE WAS AND HAD TO LOOK IT UP DAYS LATER TO EVEN SEE WHAT MOVIE IT WAS THAT I HAD SEEN. ALSO I HAD NO IDEA WHERE THIS MOVIE WAS GOING SO THE TWIST WAS REALLY REALLY WEIRD AND UNEXPECTED. PS. FOR THE FIRST FEW MINUTES I WAS WONDERING IF THIS WAS 'CITY OF EMBER II" OR SOMETHING BECAUSE OF THE CLOCKWORK AND SLIDES EVERYWHERE AESTHETIC.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS THAT IF YOU ARE EVER MEAN TO WALT DISNEY HE WILL WAIT FOR SEVERAL DECADES AFTER HIS DEATH THEN MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT HOW BITCHY YOU ARE. PS. THEN CHANGE THE END FROM YOU CRYING BECAUSE YOU HATE THE MOVIE TO YOU CRYING BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE MOVIE.

I WANTED TO WATCH A MOVIE FOR BACKGROUND NOISE AND THIS SEEMED LIKE THE MOST BACKGROUND NOISE MOVIE THEY HAD ON NETFLIX AND I GUESS THE NATIVE AMERICANS HAD CRAPPY LAND AND TRIED TO FIX IT AND LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON "YOUR LAND IS CRAPPY FOR A REASON". I GUESS? PS. LOL AT TRUTH AND IDEALISM BEING OPPOSING FORCES.

HARRIET SEEMS SO DIRECTLY THE VILLAIN OF THIS MOVIE. LIKE SHE IS JUST RANDOMLY HARASSING SOME STAR BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIM BEING POPULAR? AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE UNCOVERS "THE TRUTH" OR ANYTHING THAT HE'S A BAD GUY, SHE LITERALLY STALKS HIM AND HARASSES HIM UNTIL HE YELLS AT HER THEN SHE POSTS A VIDEO OF YELLING ON THE INTERNET AND LOSES HIM HIS JOB. AND ALSO THERE IS A BUNCH OF SCENES WHERE SHE DEFEATS HER SERVANTS FOR TRYING TO GIVE HER NONAMERICAN BREAD. PS. AN IMPORTANT POINT OF MY PERSONALITY: IF A MOVIE COMES UP ON NETFLIX AND IT SOUNDS REALLY TERRIBLE THAT WILL MAKE ME WATCH IT INSTANTLY, IF A MOVIE SOUNDS REALLY GOOD I'LL WATCH IT EVENTUALLY.

SREVEN KING ADMITTED TO JUST TAKING A BUNCH OF COCAINE THEN DIRECTING THIS AND BOY DOES THAT SHOW. WHAT AN ODDLY DIRECTED FILM. LOL AT THE ABSURD ENDING TEXT. RUSSIANS FIXED EVERYTHING WITH A SPACE LASER? PS. LISA SIMPSON'S FIRST BIG FILM AND A USEAGE OF "EAT MY SHORTS"? HMM

OH MAN THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL GAME. THIS IS JUST 'THQ IS FAILING SOMEONE JUST TAKE THE MAP AND ASSETS FROM SAINTS ROW 3 AND MAKE IT NIGHT TIME THEN TURN ON A BUNCH OF CHEATS' BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE IT WAS WICKED FUN (EXCEPT IT IS LIKE 25% TOO LONG AND YOU HAVE TO DO EVERY SINGLE QUEST EXACTLY ONE MORE TIME THAN IS REALLY NEEDED). PS. OH GOD THEY KINDA REUSED JOKES BUT THE FACT I SAID 'THIS SEEMS LIKE 'THEY LIVE'' THEN RODDY PIPER SHOWED UP IS AMAZING. ALSO THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER IS THE NONSENSICAL PLOT TWIST THAT THE WHOLE GAME WAS JUST THE STORY OF HOW YOU MET JANE AUSTIN.

WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE. IT WAS ON SOME LIST OF WORST EVER MOVIES AND NORMALLY THAT HOLDS CHARM FOR ME BUT THIS WAS JUST DULL AND FELT LIKE THE MOVIE STARTED LIKE 45 MINUTES IN. PS. WHY IS THE TAGLINE "DON'T MIX THIS MOVIE AND PIZZA"?