Capital Reviews

 Deadpool & Wolverine [movie] I MEAN, THIS WAS GENERALLY FUNNY ENOUGH. I JUST FEEL SO SICK OF MULTIVERSE TIME TRAVEL CROSSOVER STUFF. THE MOVIE DEFINITLY GOT WAY MORE MEAN AND DIRECT ABOUT THAT THAN I EXPECTED SO THEY KNEW, BUT I MEAN, THEY STILL MADE THE WHOLE MOVIE LIKE THAT.   PS.  I THINK IN GENERAL I LIKED A LOT OF THE JOKES, BUT IT WAS SO HARD TO NOT WATCH IT THROUGH A LENS OF TRYING TO WORK OUT THE EXACT MEETINGS THAT LEAD TO EACH JOKE. LIKE THE EXACT BRANDING DEAL THEY HAD WITH HONDA AND THE EXACT LIMITS OF THE JESUS STUFF. LIKE YOU COULD FEEL THE FIRST TIME HE SAID JESUS WAS EDGY FOR DISNEY, THEN THEY MADE SURE HE SAID IT A BUNCH OF TIMES AS MARVEL JESUS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE GOT TOO FREAKED OUT

 Three Body Problem [book, audiobook] I OWNED A COPY OF THIS SINCE IT WON A NEBULA AWARD THE YEAR IT CAME OUT. BUT I NEVER READ IT BECAUSE TOO MANY PEOPLE TOLD ME I HAD TO SO THEN I COULDN'T. IT'S QUITE GOOD, (I HAVE SOME KITE RUNNER TYPE CONSPIRACY ON WHY IT GOT POPULAR AT THE EXACT TIME IT DID THOUGH). IT IS REALLY WEIRD HOW THE BOOK WAS SO EXTREMELY HARD SCIENCE RIGHT TILL THE END PART WHERE THE TRI-SOLARIAN SCIENCE SEEMED VERY WACKY AND SILLY AND A BUNCH OF OVER THE TOP STUFF HAPPENED. (I WILL SAY I HATE THE 'WE MESSED UP PARTICLE ACCELERATORS' BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE THE BOOK WAS POINTING SO HARD TO A BETTER PLOT: REALITY ITSELF WAS IN A STABLE PERIOD. LIKE THEY EVEN HINTED AT THAT IDEA, IN THE POOL BALL PART. ) PS. THE AUDIO BOOK IS GOOD BECAUSE THEY MADE THE COP HAVE A COLUMBO VOICE AND SAID "EH, ONE MORE THING" AND THATS GREAT.  ALSO I IMAGINED THE TRISOLARIANS TO LOOK LIKE MOOKS FROM EARTHBOUND AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I GUESS THOSE LOOK LIKE YOU COULD

 Where the Water Tastes Like Wine [game] UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. I WANTED TO LIKE THIS GAME. IT'S THE SORT OF ARTY INDIE GAME I OFTEN LIKE. I WAS SUPER INTO THE STORY TELLING STUFF AND LEGITIMATELY LIKED TO SEE THE STORIES EVOLVE, AND OTHER THAN THE CATAGORIES BEING WEIRD AND SCREWED UP I LIKED THE CONVERSATION SYSTEM TOO. (ALTHOUGH EVERY STORY HAD A DIFFERENT AUTHOR, WHICH IS A COOL IDEA, BUT MADE THEM SUPER INCONSISTENT. ALSO SOME WERE BY GAME JOURNALISTS? WHICH FEELS LIKE AN ATTEMPT AT A SCAM TO GET GOOD RATINGS?)   BUT THIS GAME FEELS LIKE IT WENT AS FAR OUT OF IT'S WAY TO BE MISERABLE TO PLAY AS POSSIBLE.  LIKE MOVEMENT IS ON BABY'S FIRST UNITY PROJECT WITH A WALK SPEED SET TO 1/5TH THE DEFAULT AND IT GOES OUT OF THE WAY TO MAKE EVERY SORT OF FASTER MOVEMENT USELESS. IT'S UNBEARABLE. ON THE OTHER HAND GAME WHERE YOU START IN MAINE. I KEPT "TWO MEN WHO WERE IN LOVE AND LIVE IN A LIGHTHOUSE" AS ONE OF MY STORIES THE WHOLE GAME BECAUSE IT WAS MAINE

 Longlegs [movie] YEAH! THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. EVERYONE TALKS LIKE THEY ARE IN THE LOBSTER AND THE PLOT BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE. IT WORKS SO WELL FOR A HORROR MOVIE. PEOPLE JUST HAVING TENSE CONVERSATIONS AND SAYING THINGS THAT BARELY RELATE OR MAKE SENSE. IT LEGITIMATELY WORKS. I HAVE LITERALLY ZERO IDEA WHAT LONGLEGS EVEN MEANS OR WHAT THE PLAN EVEN IS.  PS. I ALSO LEGITIMATELY LOVE HOW AT SOME POINT NIC CAGE IS THE CREEPIEST EVIL MONSTER EVER AND THEN OTHER SCENES HE'S JUST SOME WEIRD CREEP. LIKE HE IS SATAN'S EVILEST WIZARD BUT DAY TO DAY HE'S JUST A WEIRD LOSER. 

 God Help the Child [book, audiobook] I FEEL BAD BECAUSE THIS IS A WELL RECIVED BOOK THAT DEALS WITH HEAVY TOPICS THAT AREN'T REALLY MINE TO TALK ABOUT BUT OOF,  THIS FEELS LIKE THE MOST WRITTEN IN ORDER AS A FIRST DRAFT BOOK EVER. THERE IS JUST SO MANY PLOT ELEMENTS THAT JUST SORT OF PETER OUT. LIKE THE MAIN SUPERNATURAL ELEMENT KINDA JUST GOES AWAY BEING UNCLEAR IF IT WAS EVER EVEN REAL, BUT ALSO FAILING TO ACTUALLY CONNECT TO ANYTHING THAT JUSTIFIES IT BEING METAPHORICAL. SHE GETS SHOT WITH A SHOTGUN AT ONE POINT AND IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER AFTER THAT SPECIFIC SCENE.  I ALSO LEGITIMATELY CAN'T TELL HOW MUCH THE DISCONNECTED STUFF IS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST NOT LAID OUT AND HOW MUCH IS MISSED. LIKE THE GUY IS DREAMING UP TORTURE FOR HIS BROTHER'S MURDERER AND SUGGESTS A TRIBE SOMEWHERE SEWS THE CORPSE TO THE MURDER TO MAKE THEM CARRY IT FOREVER, THEN THE REST OF THE BOOK IS HIM HAUNTED BY THE MEMORY OF THE BROTHER AND IT'S LIKE, THE BOOK NEVER CONNECTS THE CONCEPTS, IS

 Train to the End of the World [anime] I LIKED THIS QUITE A BIT. I THINK CLEARLY THEMES ABOUT THINKING ABOUT AND NOT THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE DEFINITLY RESONATED, BUT I LIKED THIS IN GENERAL. ALSO I BET THIS WAS SOME SORT OF "LONG WALK' FOR SOMEONE IN JAPAN WHERE IT WAS LISTING A BUNCH OF TINY TOWNS IN ORDER AND THAT WAS SUPER EXCITING FOREVER TO SOMEONE THAT LIVED THERE.  PS. THE BIGGEST DOWNFALL IS THAT I NEVER EVER IN ANY WAY COULD DISTINGUISH THE TWO BROWN HAIRED CHARACTERS. THAT IS MY OWN FAULT BUT MAN IT DOES FEEL LIKE IT HURT THE EXPERIANCE

 Phantom of Liberty [movie] THIS IS VERY MUCH LIKE, FRENCH MONTY PYTHON. VERY ABSURDIST HUMOR AND THAT SORT OF MONTY PYTHON SCENE TRANSITION BUT LIKE ONE SCENE WILL BE LIKE A FAMILY USING TOILETS TOGETHER AROUND A TABLE THEN HAVING TO EXCUSE THEMSLEVES TO GO TO A PRIVATE ROOM TOO EAT, OR LIKE, SOMEONE TRYING TO SLEEP AND MAILMEN AND OSTRICHES COMING IN THEIR ROOM AND WAKING THEM UP, THEN SOME SKITS WILL EITHER HAVE NO JOKE OR A JOKE TOO FRENCH FOR ME TO GET LIKE A MAN TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS AUNT. IT'S VERY STRANGE.  PS. I WATCHED THIS BECAUSE I HAVE NEW GLASSES AND CAN WATCH MOVIES WITH SUBTITLES AGAIN

 The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom [game] OH MAN I LOVE THIS GAME. I LOVE THIS GAME *WAY* TOO MUCH, I WAS PLAYING THIS GAME LIKE 11 HOURS A DAY AND IT WAS KILLING ME SO I HAD TO BEAT IT TO STOP. I WANT TO PLAY MORE BUT I CAN'T I HAVE TO RESTRICT MYSELF OR I AM GOING TO DIE.  PS.  THE WRITING OF THE SAGES AND THEIR POWERS SEEMS SO JACKED UP AND CONVOLUTED.  BUT I LOVE THE ZELDA STUFF

 A Quiet Place: Day One [movie] IS THIS THE MOVIE WITH THE MOST CAT SCREENTIME? IT FEELS LIKE THERE WAS SO MANY SCENES THAT DIDN'T NEED TO SHOW THE CAT THAT WERE LIKE "CATS HERE" AND MADE IT THE CENTRAL FOCUS OF THE CAMERA.  PS. QUEST TO EAT THE LAST NEW YORK STYLE PIZZA IN NEW YORK

 Rabid [movie] FOR NONSENSE REASONS I WAS SAYING TO SOMEONE THEY NEED TO MAKE MORE MOVIES ABOUT RABID WOMEN, AND I LOOKED IT UP AND ONE OF THE FIRST DAVID CRONENBERG MOVIES WAS THAT. ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY THIS MOVIE IS SO CONVOLUTED AND I LOVE THE WEIRD ESCALATION. LIKE A WOMAN GETS INTO A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT NEAR A PLASTIC SUGERY HOSPITAL SO THEY SAVE HER WITH AN EXPERIMENTAL SKIN GRAFT. THE GRAFT THEN CAUSES HER TO THEN GROW AN ANUS IN HER ARMPIT? AND THE ANUS HAS A STINGER PENIS THING IN IT ?? AND SHE HAS TO USE IT TO DRINK BLOOD???? BUT IF SHE DRINKS BLOOD FROM YOU YOU GET RABIES. AND THIS MOVIE RULES BECAUSE IT STARTS OUT AS A WEIRD SEX MONSTER THING WHERE HOT GIRL ARMPIT PENISES PEOPLE THEN IT MOVES TO A ZOMBIE MOVIE OF THE RABID PEOPLE ATTACKING PEOPLE BUT BY THE END IT'S JUST A WEIRD PANDEMIC MOVIE WITH LONG SCENES OF PEOPLE DEALING WITH VACCINE CARDS AND STUFF. THIS MOVIE IS SO WEIRD AND IT RULES. PS. MR POTATO LOVES MR KETCHUP.

 Unfrosted [movie] WHAT THE HECK EVEN WAS THIS? I KNEW IT CAME OUT AND WAS BAD BUT I ASSUMED IT WAS IN THE SAME CATAGORY OF ALL THE BLACKBERRY, TETRIS, FLAMING HOT CHEETOS COMPANY BIOPIC STUFF, BUT NO, THIS WAS SOME WEIRD AWFUL PARODY THING. IT ACTUALLY HAD SOME FUNNY MOMENTS BUT WAS SO INSUFFERABLE TO WATCH. I DON'T KNOW. IT CLIMAXES WITH TONY THE TIGER IN A VIING HELMET AND TOOTH NECKLACE TRYING TO STOP POPTARTS FROM GETTING CERTIFIED BY "MIKE PUNTZ" BY STORMING THE BUILDING.  PS. IT'S A VERY EASY CONSPERICY THEORY THIS IS BAD ON PURPOSE BECAUSE SINFIELD GOT CULT MEME STATUS FROM THE BEE MOVIE. THIS IS VERY VERY BEE MOVIE ADJACENT