Capital Reviews

The Country of Ice Cream Star [book, audiobook] THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BOOK. I *REALLY* LIKED THIS BOOK, BUT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE OPINIONS ABOUT EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT. LIKE, PREMISE WISE IT'S 80 YEARS IN THE FUTURE AND A DISEASE CAUSES EVERYONE ON EARTH TO SICKEN AND DIE IN THEIR LATE TEENS. SO EVERYONE LIVES IN POST APOCALYPTIC COMMUNITIES AND TALK IN CRAZY FUTURE CLOUD ATLUS BABY TALK  (WHICH IS WHY A CHARACTER WOULD BE NAMED "ICE CREAM"). I DON'T KNOW, EVERY PART OF IT RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY BUT I STILL SOMEHOW REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK. LIKE EVERY TOWN HAD OVERLY HIGH CONCEPT CENTRAL GIMMICKS, BUT THEN EVERYONE THEY MET WOULD ALWAYS INSTANTLY EXPLAIN 'YEAH, OUR WHOLE CULTURE AND RELIGION IS DUMB AS HECK" AND LIKE, THAT IS VERY DOOFY WRITING BUT THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE THAT WOULD BE EXACTLY WHAT A CULTURE RUN BY A BUNCH OF SMALL CHILDREN AND TEENS. SPEAKING OF DOOFY WRITING, THIS BOOK HAD ABSURD AMOUNTS OF SKYRIM DISEAS

 M3gan [movie] YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS WAS WRITTEN BY THE SAME GUY THAT WROTE MALIGNANT. HOWEVER SILLY YOU THINK THIS MOVIE MIGHT BE, IT IS SO MUCH SILLIER THAN THAT. (ALTHOUGH THE DANCE *DOES* FEEL LIKE IT EXISTS JUST TO MAKE A TRIALER OUT OF IT.). THIS MOVIE RULES THE SAME WAY MALIGNANT DOES, FOR SURE.  PS. I DO KINDA FEEL LIKE THERE IS TWO WRITERS AND YOU CAN KINDA FEEL THE BONES OF THE ALTERNATE STORY WHERE KATIE IS THE KILLER. LIKE THE WHOLE THEMATIC THROUGH LINE IS YOU NEED TO BE A PARENT AND YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE A KID WITH TECHNOLOGY AND HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT, AND THAT SORT OF MESSAGE TIES INTO MOST OF THE MAJOR STORY BEATS, BUT KATIE NEVER REALLY DOES MUCH, IT DOESN'T FIT IF IT'S THE "SCREEN" KILLING EVERYONE. EVERYTHING IS SO OVER THE TOP JUST HAVING A SUPER BASIC EVIL ROBOT MOVIE THAT THEY SPEED THROUGH AT A MILLION MILES PER HOUR AND SPEND ZERO THOUGHT ON WORKS WELL FOR THE SILLEST MOVIE EVER THOUGH. 

 Junji Ito Maniac: Japanese Tales of the Macabre [anime] I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS WITH ALL MY HEART. IT FEELS LIKE ANY TIME THE ANIMATION HAD A CHOICE HOW TO DEPICT ANYTHING THEY TOOK THE WORST POSSIBLE OPTION. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A NEGETIVE, BUT IT'S NOT. JUNJI ITO TRANSLATIONS TO ANIMATION NORMALLY KINDA SUCK, HIS COMICS ARE MORE ABOUT A PREMISE AND A VIBE AND A CERTAIN NUMBER OF SPECIFIC HORROR PANELS AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS CONNECTIVE TISSUE BETWEEN THOSE THINGS. MOST ADAPTATIONS TRY TO FLESH OUT THE LOOSE CONNECTIONS AND END UP WATERING EVERYTHING DOWN. THIS TRANSLATED EVERYTHING IN A WEIRDLY HYPER LITERAL WAY. LIKE THERE IS SO MANY PLACES THE ORIGINAL STORY IS LIKE 5 PAGES LONG SO A BUNCH OF INDETERMINATE TIME IS MEANT TO BE PASSING BETWEEN PANELS. IN THIS THERE IS TONS OF EXAMPLES OF SOMEONE ENDING A CONVERSATION THEN IMMEDIATELY WITH NO PAUSE STARTING THE NEXT CONVERSATION, EVEN THOUGH IN THE COMIC YOU'D CLEARLY ASSUME IT WAS DAYS OR WEEKS LATER THAT HAPPENED. OR LIKE, THERE

 Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery [movie] I HAVE A PRETTY BAD THING WHERE I CAN'T WATCH MOVIES ONCE ENOUGH PEOPLE SAY IT'S GOOD. I BOUNCED OFF THE FIRST ONE AND THEN THAT MADE THIS ONE DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH. BUT YEAH, IT IS A GOOD MOVIE.  PS. IT DOES A GOOD JOB OF MENTIONING THINGS EARLIER THEN THEM COMING UP LATER, WHICH IS ALL A MYSTERY NEEDS TO BE GOOD. 

 Mystery of the Kingdom of God  [movie] OH MAN, THIS MOVIE RULES SO MUCH. IT'S A ZERO BUDGET DIRECT TO VIDEO CHRISTIAN MOVIE WITH EXTREME ANIME SENSIBILITIES. LIKE I THINK IT'S LITERALLY SOMEONE WATCHING DEVILMAN CRYBABY AND TRYING TO REMAKE THAT BUT FOR CHRISTIANS AND IT'S JUST INSAINE, IT'S LIKE, A SCENE THEY ARE FIGHTING A VERY RACIST DEPICTION OF A WITCHDOCTOR BY PRAYING FOR HIM THEN THE MAIN CHARACTER JUST PULLS OUT A HANDGUN, IT RULES, I SAID "THIS MOVIE FUCKING RULES" LIKE 5 MINUTES IN. ALSO I LEGITIMATELY LOVE THE "LUST" DEMON, HE WAS TOO COOL FOR LUST AND SO HER TACTIC WAS TO.... REPEATEDLY MISCHARGE HIS CREDIT CARD TO DONATE TO ORPHANS UNTIL HE GOT ANGRY.  PS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ACTUAL SPECIFIC RELIGION THIS, IT HAD A HUGE FOCUS ON THE (MALE) MAIN CHARACTER BECOMING A "BRIDE OF CHRIST" AND NEEDING TO GET A SPECIAL SECOND BAPTISM. IT SEEMS LIKE THIS MIGHT BE FROM CHINA, BUT ALSO IT MIGHT BE OUTSOURCING TO CHINA IS HOW YOU GET A MO

 White Noise [movie] MAN, I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I'VE HATED A MOVIE THIS MUCH IN A LONG TIME. I FEEL LIKE I AM THE EXACT TARGET AUDIENCE FOR SUPER PRETENTIOUS/ARTSY MOVIES BUT I COULD NOT STAND THIS AT ALL. YOU CAN TELL WHAT SORT OF THEMES THEY ARE HEADING FOR BUT NONE OF THEM FEEL LIKE THEY GO ANYWHERE. IT'S LIKE AN AI JUST GRABBED THINGS THAT ARE IN A SMART MOVIE AND RANDOMLY THREW THEM IN WITH NO DEEPER THOUGHT.  PS. *ARE* MOUNTAINS MORE LIKELY TO BE UPSTATE? IT FEELS LIKE YOU WOULDN'T MAKE A STATE WITH THE MOUNTAINS IN THE MIDDLE. 

Catopolis [television?] OH OKAY.  PS. https://youtu.be/xYnv8tHyOJE

 Tiny Tina's Wonderland [game] I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SUCH MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT BORDERLAND GAMES. IT'S LIKE THE SERIES I'VE PLAYED THE MOST OF THAT I WOULDN'T SAY I LIKE. IT'S LIKE, ALWAYS ALMOST GOOD BUT NOT QUITE. LIKE, BLUE HAT AND KSARA WERE EXTREMELY GOOD PARTS, AND LIKE, THE GAME TOOK A LITTLE TIME OUT TO HAVE A REALLY WELL THOUGHT OUT AND PRESEPTIVE DISCUSSION ON WHY SOME PEOPLE LIKE RULES LIGHT TABLE TOP RPGS AND WHY SOME PEOPLE LIKE RULES HEAVY GAMES BUT THEN A LOT OF THE REST OF IT WAS JUST "HEY REMEMBER BUTT STATILION? REMEMBER HOW THAT WASN'T THAT FUNNY THE FIRST TIME? NOW WE HAVE IT AS A MAIN CHARACTER!" PS. THE ENDING WAS WEIRD AND BAD BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER A TEXT SCREEN CAME UP THAT WAS LIKE 'WE MADE THIS GAME FROM HOME DURING THE PANDEMIC SO OKAY". ALSO IT FELT LIKE IT WAS FRAMING THE ENDING AS YOU STABBING/FIGHTING TINY TINA AND I GET WHY THEY DIDN'T DO THAT BUT IT REALLY FELT LIKE THAT IS WHERE IT WAS GOING. 

 The Menu [movie] I LIKE THIS MOVIE. IT'S GOOD. I DO THINK IT HAS THE ISSUE THAT EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IS UNLIKABLE, INTENTIONALLY, WHICH MAKES IT HARD TO CONNECT TO ANYTHING. EVEN THE PROTAGONIST GIRL SEEMS REALLY AWFUL. BUT AGAIN, IT'S THE POINT THAT EVERYONE IS AWFUL.  PS. I FEEL LIKE ANY COMPLAINTS WITH THE PLOT IS GLOSSED OVER BY HOW STYLIZED IT IS SO IT'S GOOD ANYWAY. STUFF CAN JUST HAPPEN BECAUSE IT LOOKS BETTER THAT WAY.

 Puss in Boots: The Last Wish [movie] IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE OR ANYTHING BUT MAN, A SEQUEL TO A SPIN OFF OF SHREK HAS NO RIGHT BEING AS GOOD AS THIS IS. LIKE, I MEAN, ALL THEY DID WAS RIP OFF A BUNCH OF STUFF FROM INTO THE SPIDERVERSE BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THEY DID A REALLY GOOD JOB AT IT. THIS MOVIE IS JUST WEIRDLY GOOD.  PS. THE WIERD LOW FRAME RATE FIGHTS KINDA LOOKED AWFUL BUT THEN THEY MADE THE FIGHTS ACTUALLY GOOD ALSO SO EVEN THAT SEEMED FINE. 

 Strange World [movie] THIS MOVIE ISN'T REALLY BAD, JUST SLIGHT, LIKE IT IS A STREACHED OUT EPISODE OF A TV SHOW.  LIKE 20 MINUTES OF STORY AND A LOT OF FILLER.  ALSO THE CONFLICT FEELS SUPER MUDDLED. LIKE PENDLE IS DYING, THEN THERE IS TOO MUCH PENDLE? WHY WAS IT DYING? THE PLANET WAS DYING. WHAT EVEN WAS PENDLE?  PS. THE WAY THE GAY SON IS WRITTEN FEELS REALLY WEIRD. LIKE IT'S TRYING TO SUBVERT SOMETHING THEN MAKES IT WORSE. LIKE THE WHOLE PLOT IS ABOUT THE MASCULINE DAD HATING HIS WUSSY FARMER SON WHO CAN'T EVEN THROW A BALL, BUT THEN HE'S ALSO TOTALLY PRO-LGBT AND HAS DATING ADVICE FOR THE GRANDSON? LIKE IN A BETTER WRITTEN MOVIE THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT'D BE BAD OR A CONTRADICTION, BUT IN SUCH A CLUNKY SCRIPT IT FELT SO WEIRD, LIKE "I HATE EFFEMINATE SISSIES AND THAT IS MY MAIN CHARACTER TRAIT, BUT I JUST MEAN STRAIGHT GUYS" 

 Smile [movie] I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE. THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD MOVIE. IT'S LIKE HALF PRETTY OKAY BUT VERY STANDARD HORROR MOVIE THAT KINDA DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE AND HALF LIKE, WEIRDLY SERIOUS AND REALISTIC MOVIE ABOUT SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM MENTAL ILLNESS IN A SHOCKINGLY REALISTIC WAY THAT FEELS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. EVEN THE ENDING CONFRONTATION WAS THE PRETTY BRUTAL IDEA OF "YEAH, SORRY FOR THE MENTAL ILLNESS OR WHATEVER BUT FUCK YOU MOM". I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WHO MADE THIS MOVIE BOTH CARED A LOT ABOUT IT AND ALSO IS SUPER MAD AT SOMEONE.  PS. MY 13 YEAR OLD NIECE REALLY WANTED ME TO WATCH THIS, SHE TOLD ME I HAD TO WATCH IT A BUNCH OF TIMES AT CHRISTMAS. IT IS A HORROR MOVIE A 13 YEAR OLD SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING BUT ALSO LITERALLY THE ONLY TIME TO WATCH SUPER DISTURBING HORROR MOVIES TO GET THE FULL EFFECT IS AT 13. 

 Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm [movie] HEY, DID YOU KNOW A NEW AQUA TEEN MOVIE CAME OUT LAST YEAR? NO? YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT? WELL IT DID AND IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE A LONG EPISODE OF AQUA TEEN WHICH IS THE LAST THING AN EPISODE OF AQUA TEEN SHOULD BE.  PS.  I FEEL LIKE AQUA TEEN WAS GREAT IN LIKE 2002 BUT THE THING IS, IF YOU JUST MADE A PERFECT 2002 EPISODE OF AQUA TEEN IT JUST WOULDN'T BE FUNNY NOW. IT WAS A PIONEERING SHOW IN WEIRD ABSTRACT RANDOM HUMOR BUT NOW IT'S NOTHING. SO A BAD EPISODE IS DOUBLE NOTHING.

 Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stone Ocean [anime] JOJO REALLY IS THE BEST SHOW. I DO UNDERSTAND WHY IT HAD TO REBOOT AFTER THIS THOUGH, NOT JUST PLOTLINE WISE, BUT LIKE, THIS GOT SO EXTREME WITH EVERY SINGLE FIGHTING BEING THE FORMAT OF SOMEONE'S HEAD EXPLODING AT THE END OF THE EPISODE THEN THE NEXT EPISODE STARTING WITH "ACTUALLY IF YOU READ THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE ON HEADS EXPLODING IT'S FINE". I DON'T KNOW YOU COULD TAKE THAT ANY BIGGER AFTER THIS.  PS. I'M REALLY LOST ON WHO IS BLACK