Capital Reviews

 Farscape [television] I WATCHED A RANDOM SELECTION OF EPSIODES OF THIS WHEN IT WAS ON BUT NOT ANYTHING ORGANIZED. WHEN LOCKDOWNS STARTED I STARTED TO WATCH IT AND HAVE NOW WORKED MY WAY THROUGH ALL 80 HOURS. I REALLY LIKE THIS SHOW. I THINK I REALLY REALLY LIKED THIS SHOW MOST IN THE EARLY AND MID PARTS WHERE THEY SEEMED TO REFUSE TO HIRE ANY NEW ACTORS SO EVERY EPISODE SOMEHOW INVOLVED ONE OF THE NORMAL CHARACTERS TURNING EVIL OR MUTATING INTO SOMETHING ELSE THEN I SLOWED DOWN WATCHING WHEN IT PICKED UP ONGOING STORY, BUT I STILL REALLY LIKE THIS. I THINK SPECIFICALLY I LOVE THERE IS SO ODVIOUS A WAY THIS SHOW WAS "SUPPOSED" TO BE, LIKE EARTH MAN IS SWEPT UP INTO SPACE SHENANIGANS AND CLEARLY IT'D BE A FISH OUT OF WATER STORY, BUT LIKE 3 OR 4 EPISODES IN THEY DROP THAT, JOHN STARTS GOING CRAZY FROM STRESS, THEN THEY MESS WITH HIS BRAIN, THEN FOR THE REST OF THE ENTIRE SERIES HE'S JUST CRAZY AND THAT IS HIS CHARACTER. HE'S NOT THE ONE SANE EARTH MAN SAVIOR, HE...

Earwig and the Witch [anime, movie] GOD I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH.  JESUS CHRIST.  LIKE I GUESS IF YOU JUST WATCHED IT IT'S A MISERABLE MOVIE THAT IS PRETTY BORING GENERIC WITH ONE GOOD CHARACTER (MANDRAKE). BUT LIKE, AS STUDIO GHIBLI'S ATTEMPT AT COMPUTER ANTIMATION IT'S JUST THE WORST. LIKE THERE IS 50 THINGS YOU COULD IMAGINE A GHIBLI COMPUTER ANIMATED MOVIE MIGHT BE BUT AN UGLY BORING SLOG THROUGH UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS WASN'T IT.  PS. ALSO I DON'T THINK I HAVE EVER SEEN A MOVIE END MORE ABRUPTLY. DID THEY JUST GET SICK OF MAKING THIS? PROBABLY. 

 Bratz: The Movie [movie] I KNOW THE CONCEPT IS THE PRINCIPAL'S DAUGHTER WAS FORCING IT BUT I REALLY LIKE THE WEIRD WORLDVIEW THAT CLIQUE IN HIGHSCHOOL ARE A THING THAT THE HIGHSCHOOL ITSELF IS STRICTLY ENFORCING ON THE STUDENTS. LIKE THAT FEELS SO COMICALLY OFF.  PS. I GET THE FOCUS ON CHANGING CLOTHES BECAUSE THEY ARE FASION DOLLS, BUT I DO NOT LIKE THE MECHANICS OF A BUNCH OF LIKE 13 YEAR OLDS CHANGING IN PUBLIC PLACES BY HAVING THREE SMALL CHILDREN STAND IN A CIRCLE AROUND THEM. I ALSO DO NOT LIKE THE BROTHER BEING SO HORNY FOR THE VERY LITTLE KID WHO WAS ALSO A CLOWN AND HIM BEING HORNY FOR THER CLOWN. 

Sudden Death [book. audiobook] I REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK. I FEEL LIKE MY THING IS BECOMING TO READ STRANGE BOOKS THEN WRITE THESE WRITEUPS AND I LOVE HOW THIS BOOK IS EXTREMELY STRANGE BUT IT'S NOT AT ALL OBVIOUS AS YOU READ IT THAT IT IS. THIS IS LIKE, A FICTIONAL HISTORY OF THE COUNTER-REFORMATION IN SPAIN IN THE 1530S, BUT WITH THE GIMMICK OF IT BEING AN ALTERNATE HISTORY WHERE TENNIS IS MORE IMPORTANT. BUT LIKE, THIS ISN'T A POKEMON GAME WHERE POKEMON ARE THE THING SO EVERYTHING IS POKEMON. THIS IS A STORY WHERE LIKE, TENNIS IS LIKE MAYBE 1-2% MORE IMPORTANT THAN IT WAS IN REAL LIFE. LIKE THE FRAMING STORY IS A TENNIS MATCH AND I THINK CLEARLY THE IDEA WAS SOME ON PAPER IDEA THAT HISTORY IS LIKE A TENNIS GAME, AND SPECIFICALLY SOMETHING LIKE A REFORMATION/COUNTER REFORMATION IS, AND YOU CAN TELL THE AUTHOR MUMBLED THAT, THEN SAID "EH, THATS DUMB, I'M GOING TO WRITE THE REST OF THE BOOK ABOUT FEATHER WORKERS IN MEXICO". I LIKE THAT LIKE 90-95% OF THE HISTORY IS E...

 Music [movie] THE INTERNET DID OVERPLAY A LITTLE OF TRYING TO MAKE LITERALLY EVERY ELEMENT OF THIS THE WORST THING EVER, BUT IT'S BAD, REAL BAD. LIKE HONESTLY, THE BASE CONCEPT, OF THE OVERWELMING MUSIC VIDEOS BEING HER VISION OF THE WORLD IS LIKE, MILDLY CLEVER, BUT IT JUST GOES SO WRONG WITH THE EXTREMELY BAD ACTING AND THE NONSENSE PLOT. LIKE, WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE DRUG DEALER IN THE ENTIRE CITY OF NEW YORK? WHAT DRUG DEALER IS SELLING HIV DRUGS AT ALL? WHY THE HELL IS FELIX EVEN IN THE MOVIE AT ALL? HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING OR MEETS MUSIC. HE JUST WANTS TO BE A BALLERINA(?) THEN DIES VERY EASILY.  PS. THE ONLY GOOD PART OF THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS GRANDMA BEING SO GENUINELY INTO THE POPSICLE STICK TRIVIA. THE REST OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE SUCKED, BUT GRANDMA COUNTING UP ALL THE NUMBERS AND BEING ALL 'WELL I'LL BE DARNED" ABOUT IT WAS LEGITIMATELY CHARMING.  

 Jonathan Livingston Seagull [book] AFTER STARLIGHT BARKING SOMEONE SUGGESTED I SHOULD READ THIS, I HAD NEVER HEARD OF IT BUT IT'S APPARENTLY FAMOUS ENOUGH FOR SIMPSONS (AND KEY AND PEELE) TO JOKE ABOUT.  IT'S A VERY STRANGE EXTREMELY 70S NONSENSE ALLEGORY FOR THAT WEIRD SORT OF 1970S MYSTICISM WHERE IT'S BUDDHISM KINDA BUT JESUS IS THERE AND VERY IMPORTANT, BUT IN THIS CASE IT'S ALSO ABOUT SEAGULLS FOR SOME REASON.  PS. HONESTLY THIS KINDA ENDED UP BEING TOO STRAIGHT FOWARD, IT WASN'T REALLY WEIRD OR OUT THERE ENOUGH TO BE THAT FUNNY OR INTERESTING, MAYBE THIS COMING OUT RIGHT IN 1970 MEANS IT WAS BEFORE THIS WHOLE SORT OF THING BECAME A THING?  BUT IT WAS JUST SOME VAGUELY GNOSTIC IDEAS WITH THE ONLY REAL HIGHPOINT BEING THE SEAGULLS ALL HAVING FULL NAMES. 

 Shrek Retold [movie] THIS SORT OF FAN MOVIE IS USUALLY REALLY BAD AND DUMB BUT MAN, THIS IS REAL GOOD. I DON'T REALLY EVEN HAVE MUCH TO SAY, JUST, I CLICKED IT AND DID NOT AT ALL EXPECT TO ACTUALLY WATCH THE ENTIRE THING. PS. JESUS, THEY HAD DAVID LIBER HART ACTUALLY SING HALLELUJAH. "HIS WIFE BECAME A SHREK"/"AIR CONDITION YOUR HEART.... HOUSE"  

The Starlight Barking [book, amazing] I AM LOSING MY FRIGGIN MIND. I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS BOOK EXISTING.  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE HAD A STROKE. I CAN'T EVEN FIND A CATEGORY TO PUT THIS IN, SO I'M PUTTING IT IN A "CALMING BOOK" FOR REASONS OF IRONY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE BRAIN IS BOILING OUT OF MY SKULL WITH EVERY SINGLE PAGE OF THIS.   SO YOU KNOW THE MOVIE "101 DALMATIANS"?  I FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT TOO SHOCKING TO FIND OUT THAT WAS BASED ON A CHILDREN'S BOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT BUT IT'S NOT SURPRISING. WHAT *IS* SURPRISING IS THE AUTHOR WROTE A SEQUEL TO 101 DALMATIANS AND THAT THE PREMISE OF IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU COULD GUESS EVEN IF I GAVE YOU A TRILLION YEARS TO DO SO.  IT IS A BOOK ABOUT THE 101 DALMATIONS WAKING UP TO FIND THAT ALL LIFE ON EARTH HAS GONE INTO A COMA EXCEPT DOGS AND THAT DOGS NOW SHARE A TELEPATHIC HIVE MIND, CAN LEVITATE AND FLY, AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO ORDER TECHNOLOGY TO DO THEIR BIDDING AND THE STORY IS ABOUT THEM FORMING A DOG...

 Greatland [movie] I THINK IT'S EASY TO READ THIS A 'SWJS GONE WILD' TYPE REACTIONARY MOVIE, AND I THINK MAYBE IT SORT OF IS THAT, IN A WAY THIS IS JUST AN OKAY MOVIE AND NOT GREAT, BUT I REALLY DO REALLY ACTUALLY LIKE THE FACT THAT SOMETHING DID BRAVE NEW WORLD IN A MODERN SETTING. THERE IS A REAL THING WHERE DYSTOPIAN MEDIA FROZE A LONG TIME AGO AND PEOPLE ONLY WRITE COUNTERS TO THE UTOPIAN VISIONS OF PEOPLE FROM GENERATIONS AGO, AND NO ONE IS EVEN TRYING TO WRITE FAILED UTOPIAS IN MODERN TERMS EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE OVERTLY AND HATEFULLY MOCKING THEM.  IT'S SO INTERESTING TO SEE THIS AND REALIZE THAT EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE BEST THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING DO THIS AT ALL.  PS. HOW FAST DID THEY MAKE THIS MOVIE? WHY DID IT HAVE SO MUCH CURRENT EVENTS STUFF THAT IT ABSOLUTELY DID NOT IN ANY WAY NEED? 

 Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure [movie] THEY WILL REALLY JUST LET ANYONE PUT ANYTHING ON AMAZON PRIME, WON'T THEY? BUT MAN IS THIS GREAT GARBAGE. THE STUPID MUSICAL SEGMENTS MADE IT SORT OF TOO LONG TO BE PERFECT, BUT MAN IS EVERY SINGLE NONSENSE THEY SAY ABSOLUTELY THE MOST QUOTABLE THINGS A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY WRITE. I FEEL LIKE I COULD REPLACE MY WHOLE VOCABULARY WITH PHRASES FROM THIS AWFUL MOVIE. PS. PUT IT IN HIS LEFT BUTT

 Raya and the Last Dragon [movie] THIS MOVIE IS GOOD, ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD. BUT MAN, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. I FEEL LIKE THEY GOT THE SETTING AND THE PLOT AND THE REALLY COOL SWORD AND MADE THE WHOLE MOVIE THEN SOMEONE AT DISNEY MARKETING WATCHED IT AND HATED IT AND MADE THEM MAKE SURE ANY PART THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUS HAD SOME BAD COMEDY TO BREAK IT UP. LIKE I GET THE DRAGON IS SUPPOSED TO BE GIRL THE GENIE BUT SHE IS ABOUT THE WORST CHARACTER IMAGINABLE. LIKE WE DON'T NEED HER TO SAY 'FEELS' WHILE TRYING TO BE AN IMPORTANT PLOT ELEMENT.  PS. ACTUALLY THIS MOVIE WAS JUST SOMEONE TRYING AS HARD AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO MAKE AN OFF BRAND AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER. IT IS FAIRLY SHAMELESS HOW DIRECT AND OBVIOUS IT IS. 

 Absolution [movie] WANT TO WATCH AC SLATER DO INCREDIBLY HOMOEROTIC THINGS WHILE STANDING IN FRONT OF LOCKERS? HAVE I GOT A MOVIE FOR YOU! PS. HARDASSES? IVE KNOWN MY FAIR SHARE OF THOSE.

 Sputnik Sweetheart [book] ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MURAKAMI BOOK IS THE EXACT SAME BOOK AND I UNIRONICALLY LOVE THAT. LIKE NO MATTER WHAT THE BOOK IS YOU CAN TELL EACH CHARACTER IS THE SAME CHARACTER AS ONE FROM ANOTHER STORY AND THE PLOT IS THE SAME AND NO MATTER HOW IT SETS UP LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT IT NEVER IS. THIS WENT LIKE 80% OF THE STORY BEING A NORMAL REAL WORLD STORY THEN RIGHT NEAR THE END IT WENT "OH, NOW IT'S WEIRD" AND GOT SUPERNATURAL IN THE EXACT SAME WAY IT ALWAYS DOES. BUT IT'S NOT A FLAW. EVERY BOOK IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AS MUCH AS IT'S THE SAME. IT'S LIKE SOMEONE THREW A HANDFUL OF PAPERS OUT A WINDOW THAT SAID 'CATS, DISAPPEARANCE, OLDER WOMAN AND YOUNGER WOMAN WITH FAKE NAMES ON AN ISLAND, DISINTERESTED MALE MAIN CHARACTER, DREAMS" AND THEN A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT AUTHORS PICKED UP THAT OUTLINE AND WROTE TOTALLY DIFFERENT BOOKS, WITH DIFFERENT THEMES AND TONES BUT ALL THE AUTHORS JUST HAPPEN TO ALL BE MURAKAMI.  PS. I WAS G...

 Wandavision [television] YEAH, THIS WAS GOOD. I HAVE A THEORY MARVEL MOVIES WON'T SURVIVE THE PANDEMIC BUT THIS WAS A PRETTY INVENTIVE LITTLE FILLER STORY. I THINK IT WAS GOOD ALL THE WAY THROUGH BUT IT DOES KINDA FEEL LIKE THEY ADDED A BUNCH OF POINTLESS ANTAGONISTS AND IT SORTA DEFLATED BY THE LAST FEW EPISODES FROM BEING A COOL MYSTERY SHOW. I DO THINK THE ANIMATION WITH THE GUM AND THE ZACK AND CODY STYLE OPENING WERE A LEVEL OF DEDICATION TO THE BIT THEY WERE DOING MORE THAN ANYTHING I'VE EVER SEEN EVER.  PS. THE PERSON IS STEAL DISNEY PLUS FROM CANCELED THEIR ACCOUNT RIGHT BEFORE THIS EPISODE SHOWED, THAT WOULD BE A DRAMATIC STORY IF THIS WASN'T THE EASIEST TO PIRATE SHOW EVER MADE IN HISTORY WHERE IT FEELS LIKE YOU HAVE TO STAY OFF THE INTERNET ENTIRELY TO SEE LINKS TO WHERE TO WATCH IT. 

 Big Man Japan [movie] GOD THIS MOVIE IS GOOD. I HAD THIS MOVIE ON MY RADAR FOR YEARS AND ALMOST DIDN'T DARE TO WATCH IT BECAUSE I KNEW I'D LIKE IT SO MUCH. IT'S SO GOOD. THE CONTRAST OF THE DOCUMENTARY PART BEING JUST ABSOLUTELY THE MOST MELANCHOLY THING POSSIBLE WITH THE MONSTERS BEING AS STUPID AS THEY COULD MAKE THEM WORKS SO WELL. I ACTUALLY HAD TO LOOK UP IF "THE WRESTLER" CAME OUT BEFORE THIS AND THEY WERE MIMICKING THAT, BUT THIS CAME FIRST! I FEEL SO LEGITIMATELY SAD FOR BIG MAN JAPAN! PS. I FEEL LIKE I LEGITIMATELY LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT A BUNCH OF THIS, LIKE THE RAMBLING STORY THE BABY WAS TELLING, THEM SHOWING THE BIG UNDERWEAR, AND JUST EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF ENDING. 

 Tom and Jerry [movie] MAN THIS MOVIE IS JUST NOT GOOD. BEYOND BEING JUST UNFUNNY AND BORING IT JUST REALLY FEELS FRUSTRATING TO WATCH BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SO AWFUL.  LIKE THE MAIN GIRL JUST ACTUALLY IS UNQUALIFIED AND DID DO SOMETHING REALLY AWFUL TO STEAL THE JOB, THE VILLIAN IS VAUGELY RUDE BUT IS ENTIRELY RIGHT AT ALL TIMES ABOUT HER. TOM AND JERRY BOTH SCREW UP SITUATIONS NEEDLESSLY, IT'S AWFUL. I HATE IT.  PS. JOY WAS THE ONLY GOOD PART OF THE MOVIE AND THEY SHOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT HER. 

Paris, je t'aime [movie] I WATCHED THIS MOVIE TO CHEAT ON SOMETHING, BUT IT WAS SOMETHING THAT ONE: DOES NOT REQUIRE I CHEAT, TWO: WOULD NOT CARE IF I WATCHED THIS OR NOT, THREE: WOULD NOT KNOW I HAD NOT WATCHED IT UNLESS I SAID SOMETHING AND FOUR IS RUINED BY JUST ANNOUNCING I WATCHED IT SO I CAN'T PRETEND I ALREADY WATCHED IT. WHAT A MESS!  PS. THE BEST PART WAS THE SALESMAN ONE WHERE THE WOMAN KEPT PUNCHING HER OWN WINDOWS. THIS WAS AN ANTHOLOGY SO DIFFERENT PARTS WERE WILDLY DIFFERENT AMOUNTS OF GOOD OR BAD, BUT HER JUST PUNCHING HER OWN WINDOW REALLY GOT ME. (ALSO THE MAIL CARRIER ONE SEEMED LIKE... UNBELIEVABLY SAD BEYOND BELIEF AND I HATED WATCHING IT)