Capital Reviews

I FEEL LIKE THE FIVE MINUTE DOLLMAKER COLD OPEN WAS A BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING AND CREEPY THAN THE WHOLE REST OF THE MOVIE COMBINED, ALSO IT HAD WEIRD AL DOING A VOICE OTHER THAN HIS WACKY STAGE VOICE AND IT MADE THE WHOLE THING EVEN MORE CREEPY. PS. BATMAN VS EYES WIDE SHUT.

GOD WHY DOES THIS EVEN EXIST? WHO WAS EVEN WONDERING ABOUT THIS? THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS IS SO BIZARRE.  I LOVE THE AMAZING THREE ART STYLE THING SO EVERY SCENE IS JUST RANDOMLY EITHER AMAZING 3D ANIMATION OF WOOD CARVINGS, WEIRD MAGIC CARD ART OR JUST LIKE REAL 80S TERRIBLE WIREFRAMES. PS. THE FIRST TIME THEY SHOWED UNDERGROUND CATS, OH GOD.

I HAVE REALLY MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS. LIKE IT TOOK THE MOST CLICHE AI MOVIE TROPES AND DID A REALLY SMART AND CLEVER TWIST ON THEM BUT AT THE SAME TIME TO DO SO REQUIRED WATCHING 105 MINUTES OF IT JUST BEING THAT SUPER CLICHE MOVIE THEN 5 MINUTES OF IT GOING "EH, SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?" THAT WAS PRETTY COOL AND I THINK MAYBE THIS SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN A YOUTUBE VIDEO 'ALTERNATE ENDING' TO 'HER' OR SOMETHING INSTEAD. PS. I FEEL LIKE THE CROWD OF PEOPLE IN THE THEATER WAS SUPER SUPER FRAT BOY. LIKE EVERYONE THERE. SOMEONE YELLED "AIN'T THAT RIGHT" WHEN IT SAID IF THERE IS ONE THING SEARCH ENGINES ARE GOOD FOR IT'S KNOWING WHAT PORN YOU LIKE. ALICIA VIKANDER IS SUPER NAKED IN THIS MOVIE SO LIKE, DID PEOPLE COME TO THIS MOVIE JUST TO SEE HER PUBIC HAIR A LOT?

WATCHING THESE IN EXACT REVERSE ORDER IS GREAT, I LOVE THAT THE MESSAGE OF THIS ONE IS THAT HE QUITS TOO FAST AND TOO EASY THEN IN THE SECOND ONE HE HAS QUIT AND GONE AND DONE SOMETHING ELSE. PS. TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST THE BAD GUY'S PLAN WAS ILLEGAL BUT FAIRLY UNDERSTANDABLE. THE MUSEUM WAS LITERALLY SENTENCING THEM TO DEATH BY FIRING THEM. LIKE THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE JERKS OR STEAL MONEY AS WELL BUT THEY WERE LITERALLY KEPT ALIVE BY THE JOB.

WAIT, HE IS A MILLIONARE INFOMERCIAL GUY NOW? NONE OF THAT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE THIRD MOVIE. ALSO HE SEEMS ALL HYPERCOMPETENT AND I FEEL LIKE I MISSED SOMETHING? ALSO I LIKE THAT OCTAVIUS' CRUSH WASN'T A RUNNING JOKE AND APPARENTLY ONLY STARTED IN THE THIRD MOVIE? PS. EARHART TALKED SUPER CUTE.

ROBIN WILLIAMS GETS A DEGENERATIVE DISEASE BUT THEN VOLUNTARILY DECIDED TO ACCEPT DEATH: THE MOVIE. PS. THE BRITISH STATUE ROOM WAS LEGITIMATELY SILENT HILL SCARY.

I ALMOST SKIPPED WATCHING THIS TO NOT RUIN MY GHOST TRICK BUT WELP. THE WEIRD THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS THAT IT SET IT UP LIKE THERE WAS GOING TO BE A TWIST. LIKE THE BAD GUY WAS A GOOD AGENT THAT THE GOVERNMENT BETRAYED THAT WAS FIGHTING TO AVENGE HIS MURDERED BROTHER, AND THE 'GOOD GUY' WAS A FOREIGN BEER DRINKING G-MAN THAT WAS TRYING TO GET THE HEROES TO STEAL TECHNOLOGY TO COMPLETE SOME POLICE STATE SOFTWARE. AND IT FELT SO CLEAR IT WAS GONNA BE A REVERSAL AT THE END WHERE THEY TEAM UP WITH THE BAD GUY AND WIN AGAINST THE CORRUPT OFFICALS. BUT NOPE, POLICE STATE HARD DRIVE WENT TO THE GOVERNMENT, BAD GUY GOT KICKED INTO A SINKHOLE.  I HAVE TO ADMIT THE WHOLE END SEQUENCE WITH THE ROCK WAS JUST AMAZING. IT MADE NO SENSE BUT HIM JUST SEEING AN EXPLOSION IN THE DISTANCE AND SAYING 'DADDY HAS TO GO TO WORK' AND BUSTING OUT OF HIS CASTS WITH MUSCLE FLEXING THEN STEALING A AMBULANCE TO KNOCK OUT A DRONE WHICH HE STEALS A CHAINGUN OFF OF, JESUS CHRIST.   PS. PAUL WALKE...

I AM A CULTURAL SNOB. THIS MOVIE WAS A STUPID WACKY TEEN COMEDY BUT THE FACT IT WASN'T IN ENGLISH MAKES ME BE ALL 'OH YES THIS WAS VERY CLEVER AND HUMOROUS'. PS. IT WAS SUCH A STUPID AND BASIC JOKE BUT FOR SOME REASON I CRACKED UP ABOUT THE DRUNK GHOST MESSING WITH THE CALENDER.

THIS MOVIE HAD THE ELEMENTS TO BE A GOOD DUMB NICK CAGE MOVIE BUT JESUS CHRIST WHY DID IT NEED TO BE SO LONG? LIKE AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES IN THEY ARE STILL WORKING ON SETTING UP AN ORIGIN STORY FOR HIS FRIGGIN JACKET. PS. I AM DISAPPOINTED THE WEIRD SETUP OF HIM LIKING TV SHOWS WITH MONKEYS DIDN'T HAVE A LATER PAYOFF. RULE OF THREES SAYS IF YOU MENTION SOMETHING TWICE IT SHOULD COME UP A THIRD TIME.

I THOUGHT OF THIS AS A TERRIBLE MOVIE FROM THE 80S BUT I GUESS THIS WAS AN OKAY MOVIE FROM THE 90S.    PS. I DIDNT REALLY PLAN THIS GHOST THEME, IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED. 

THE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE IT THAT EVERY PLOT INVOLVED SO MANY WEIRD BAFFLING SCI-FI GADGETS THAT IT GOT HARDER AND HARDER TO EVEN TELL WHAT WAS HAPPENING. LIKE HOW DO YOU EVEN INVEST IN A SCENE WHERE IT RELIES ON CONTACT LENSES THAT ARE PHOTOCOPIERS THAT SCRAMBLE NUMBERS.   PS. I WATCHED THIS BECAUSE THE CLIMAX IS SET IN DUBAI.

OKAY, SO, I THINK SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THE FILM MAKER THAT US CULTURE HAS A VERY PARTICULAR ASSOCIATION BETWEEN DEATH AND SPIRITS AND FIRE AND THAT YOU CAN'T SHOW A SCENE OF SOMEONE DYING AND THEN SPECIAL EFFECTING IN A SCENE OF A FIRE AND THEN YOU CAN'T HAVE SOMEONE RECOUNT THAT AS SOMETHING THEY DREAMED AND SAY "AND MY MOM WAS THERE!". PS. I THINK THE THING THAT SAYS THE MOST ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS I WATCHED IT LIKE A WEEK AGO AND JUST REMEMBERED RIGHT NOW THAT I EVEN DID.

THIS IS THAT 6 HOUR KEN BURNS DOCUMENTARY ABOUT CANCER AND I WATCHED ALL 6 HOURS OF IT. IT DID A HILARIOUSLY GOOD JOB OF MOOD WHIPLASH EVERY SEGMENT WAS ALWAYS EITHER "WE TOTALLY ARE ADVANCED NOW AND CANCER IS EASY AND LOOK AT THIS GOOD IDEA! CANCER WILL BE 100% CURED IN A WEEK, DON'T WORRY!" AND THEN "TURNS OUT WE SUCK AT TREATING CANCER AND EVERYONE YOU EVER LOVED WILL GET IT AND DIE PAINFULLY FOR SURE AND THERE IS NO HOPE". IT WAS A REALLY GOOD DOCUMENTARY THOUGH.   PS. THE PRIMARY THING I LEARNED WAS THE GUY THAT INVENTED RADICAL MASTECTOMIES CALLED THEM RADICAL AS IN "BY THE ROOT" BUT EVERYONE JUST TOOK IT AS "VERY EXTREME" AND CALLED EVERYTHING THAT AND I JUST IMAGINE HIM BEING SUPER ANNOYED ABOUT IT.

THIS MOVIE WAS PLOTLESS AND AIMLESS BUT I'M GONNA BE HONEST AND SAY THAT GENERALLY A LOT OF THE SIDE CHARACTERS AND STUFF WAS GENUINELY FUNNY AND I DIDN'T MIND WATCHING THIS MOVIE AT ALL. ROGER MOORE AND HIS PIG AND SAYINGS ESPECIALLY WERE FAIRLY AMUSING. ALSO LOL AT THE COURT SCENE, THEY KNEW. PS. I THINK AT SOME POINT IN THE LAST DECADE I FORGOT JUST HOW BRITISH THE SPICE GIRLS WERE.

I GUESS IN THE LAST TEN YEARS THE ONLY ANIME I'VE LIKED IS STUFF MADE BY TRIGGER STUDIO, SO I FIGURED I SHOULD WATCH THEIR NEWEST THING. IT SEEMED FINE AND I LIKED IT BUT I GUESS I DIDN'T LOVE IT. IT WAS GOOD FOR WHAT IT WAS BUT NOT LIKE THEIR OTHER SHOWS. IT'S WEIRD, THERE WAS ONLY A VERY SMALL NUMBER OF EPISODES THEY TOUCHED ON THE GREATER STORY OR USED THEIR POWERS FOR ANYTHING BUT GOOFS. I THINK I'D HAVE LIKED IT BETTER IF THERE WAS NO EPISODES AT ALL THAT HAD GREATER STORY. KEPT IT SLICE OF LIFE, MADE IT NOT MATTER IF THE POWERS WERE REAL OR JUST A DUMB THING A NERD MADE UP TO FEEL MORE ANIME. HAVING AN ACTUAL STORY RUINED IT A LITTLE. PS. I THINK THIS WHOLE SERIES EXISTED JUST TO HAVE THE SCENE WHERE THE GIRL IS SOBBING AND SAYING THAT JUST SAYING CHAOS AND DARKNESS AND SAYING BIBLE WORDS AND SIGMUND FRUED AND LANCE OF LONGINUS DON'T JUST MAKE THINGS COOL. TRIGGER HATES ANIME SO MUCH BUT IS THE MOST ANIME.