Capital Reviews

I REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE BUT IT ALMOST FEELS WEIRD THAT IT EVEN HAD SUPERNATURAL STUFF AT ALL. IT FEELS LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A STRONGER MOVIE IF IT WAS SOLELY A FAMILY TEARING THEMSELVES APART WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. THE SUPERNATURAL STUFF BARELY EVEN MATTERED AND IT'S WEIRD THEY EVEN HAD IT. I SUPER LIKED THE DIALOG THOUGH, IT WAS FUN TO WATCH. ALTHOUGH BECAME A LITTLE INCOMPREHENSIBLE IF THE PEOPLE WERE UPSET OR YELLING.   PS. VERY HISTORICALLY ACCURATE, NOT EVEN ON GOBLIN.

WELL THIS WAS A WEIRD NIGHTMARE OF A SHOW. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN NAME A SINGLE ELEMENT OF THIS SHOW THAT SEEMED TO MAKE SENSE OR WORK AT ALL. EVEN THE WEIRD 29 YEARS LATER MATH SEEMS OFF. IS THIS SET IN THE FUTURE? DID THE WHOLE ORIGINAL SHOW TAKE PLACE OVER THE COURSE OF A SINGLE YEAR? ARE ALL THE MALE CHILDREN IN THIS SUPPOSED TO BE WEIRD STEREOTYPES OF HOMOSEXUALS?   PS. I FEEL LIKE THE "THAT SHIP HAS SAILED" JOKE PASSED SOME LINE WHERE I LITERALLY COULD NOT TELL IF THEY MADE A JOKE AND THE SHOW WAS ACTUALLY TOO INNOCENT TO GET WHAT THEY WERE SAYING AND NO ONE EXPLAINED IT TO THEM OR IF THEY JUST MADE A REALLY REALLY WEIRD DIRTY JOKE?

EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE SEEMED TERRIBLE. THE MOM WAS TERRIBLE, THE KID WAS TERRIBLE, HOLMES WAS MILDLY TERRIBLE. ALSO LOL AT HOW MAD THE MOM WAS ABOUT BEES AND HOW INSTANTLY FINE SHE WAS WHEN IT WAS WASPS. HE STILL GOT STUNG FOR BEE RELATED REASONS! PS. MAYBE IT WAS MORE THAT I HATRED MILLION YEAR OLD IAN MCKELLEN. EVEN IF LIKE HALF THE SCENES OF HIM WEREN'T THAT.

MAN, HOW DISAPPOINTING. THIS GAME SEEMED LIKE IT'D BE SO GREAT BUT IT JUST WASN'T. I READ ABOUT THE GUY THAT MADE IT AND HE SEEMS REALLY INTO THIS STUFF AND MADE THIS GAME RUN OFF A FLOPPY DISK ON A 486 AND A BUNCH OF CRAZY CRAP LIKE THAT BUT GOD, DESPITE THE NUMBER OF NONSTOP HARDCORE NES REFERENCES THIS HAD IT NEVER FELT ANYTHING BUT LIFELESS AND HEARTLESS, LIKE A WEIRD CHECKLIST OF REFERENCES THAT NEVER FELT CLEVER OR UNEXPECTED OR ANYTHING. ALSO I PLAYED THE ENTIRE GAME AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I BARELY GET THE GUNS TO FIRE IN THE DIRECTIONS I WANTED. IT MOSTLY FELT LIKE THE GAME LOVED GIVING YOU INTERESTING POWERS THEN IMMEDIATELY TAKING THEM AWAY. WHY NOT LET YOU KEEP THEM? IT TOOK AWAY ALL THE ITEMS IN ALL THE STORY MISSIONS ANYWAY.   PS. THIS GAME FEELS LIKE IT CAME OUT OF A UNIVERSE WERE PEOPLE HAD REALLY MASSIVE NOSTALGA FOR THAT RODGER RABBIT NES GAME.

I REALLY LIKE TO WATCH MOVIES THAT DID REALLY BAD, I LIKE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED. THIS MOVIE IS SO WEIRD, IT'S SUCH A MESS AND SO HARD TO FOLLOW, BUT IT FEELS LIKE IT HAS SOME WEIRD REALLY DARK SCI-FI STORY AT IT'S CORE. THE WORLD SUCKS BECAUSE RAPTURE HAS A TIME TRAVEL MIND CONTROL TOWER, NO WAIT, THE WORLD JUST SUCKS, WE JUST LIKED THE TOWER AFTER ALL.   PS. AH YES, JUST WHAT WE NEEDED, ROMANTIC SCENES BETWEEN 60 YEAR OLD CLOONY AND AN 11 YEAR OLD GIRL. I WAS SO SURE THEY WERE GOING TO KISS AND I'M SO GLAD THEY DIDN'T.

THIS GAME IS SUPER GOOD, BUT I'VE OWNED IT FOR LIKE 3 YEARS AND JUST NOW PLAYED IT TO THE END. I TRIED A BUNCH OF TIMES BUT IT'S A GAME YOU CAN MESS UP AND MAKE IT SO YOU CAN'T WIN 15 HOURS LATER AND THAT IS SO STRESSFUL, PLUS IT'S NOT A GAME THAT CRASHES A LOT, BUT IT CRASHES SOME AND THAT SUCKS, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAVE SCUM AS MUCH AS I DID BUT WHEN YOU NEED TO SAVE BECAUSE OF CRASHES IT MAKES IT SO HARD NOT TO AND IT ISN'T THE RIGHT EXPERIENCE TO NOT ACCEPT LOSSES IN A GAME LIKE THIS. IT WAS STILL FUN THOUGH.   PS. MY FINAL TEAM WAS TWO ROBOTS, A MECH I PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE AN EVANGELION, A PSYCHIC SNIPER IN A PIMP OUTFIT, A DOCTOR NAMED AFTER DOCTOR PIZZA THAT WAS THE ONLY PERSON TO LIVE FROM THE EARLY GAME TO THE END OF THE GAME AND THE RIFT PSYCHIC THAT I GAVE GREEN HAIR AND NAMED TERRA BRANFORD.

I THINK WITH MOST MEDIUMS AS YOU GROW UP YOU WANT TO WATCH MORE NUANCED AND COMPLEX STUFF BUT FOR SOME REASON ANIME HAS TAKEN THIS TURN WHERE LITERALLY ALL I CAN STAND TO WATCH IS THIS WEIRD NEW GENERATION OF WEIRD META HYPER EXAGGERATED POWER ANIMES LIKE GUREN LAGGEN AND KILL LA KILL AND NOW THIS. MAYBE IT WAS JUST TOO MANY YEARS OF WATCHING PEOPLE POWER UP ON THE SAME SCALE? IF THEY AREN'T PUNCHING GOD BY MIDSEASON SEASON ONE IT'S NO GOOD.   PS. THE END NARRATION IS SUCH A WEIRD "WE DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE ANOTHER SEASON" THING.

I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE SAME GENERAL PROBLEMS WITH THIS I HAVE ALWAYS HAD WITH DEADPOOL. IT HAD QUITE A FEW LEGITIMATELY FUNNY JOKES BUT THEN HAD TO SAY LIKE 8 OTHER NOT VERY FUN JOKES EVERY TEN SECONDS SO IT DROWNED THE FUNNY PARTS OUT AND THEY WERE TOO AFRAID TO HAVE ANYONE PLAY THE STRAIGHT MAN SO EVERYONE IS ALMOST AS WACKY AS DEADPOOL AND I DON'T KNOW. IT REALLY DID HAVE SOME FUNNY JOKES AT LEAST?     PS. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD IS A REAL X-MEN?

THE FALLOUT ONE DESIGN DOCUMENT MENTIONS THAT FALLOUT SHOULD BE LIKE THIS MOVIE AND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT BEFORE SO I WATCHED IT. HOLY CRAP THIS IS JUST 12 MONKEYS, I HAD NO IDEA. I LOVED TWELVE MONKEYS, I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT WAS JUST A STRAIGHT REMAKE OF SOMETHING.   PS. I DON'T FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE WAS QUITE 100% CLEAR ON WHAT A MOVIE WAS.

THIS GAME IS JUST FLAT OUT AMAZING. I THINK ONE OF THE CHARACTERS IS SECRETLY AN OWL? I THINK YOU ARE YOUR OWN WIFE'S FATHER? I THINK THE CLIMAX OF THE STORY WOULD TAKE PLACE IN BUCKSPORT MAINE. THIS WHOLE GAME IS JUST A VERY VERY JAPANESE MAN PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT BOSTON IS LIKE? OH GOD, THIS GAME IS THE BEST.      PS. YOU MIGHT MISTAKENLY THINK I WOULD BE SAD THIS IS AN EPISODIC GAME AND THERE IS UNLIKELY TO EVER BE ANOTHER EPISODE AFTER THE FIRST ONE BUT YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG. THIS GAME BEING A PERFECT JEWEL OF PLOT LINES THAT NEVER RESOLVE IS THE BEST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD EVER HAVE HAPPENED.  

I WOULDN'T SAY THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOVIE, BUT IT REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING FOR IT. LIKE THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT THE LESS SENSE IT ACTUALLY MADE BUT IT HAD A PRETTY GOOD ATMOSPHERE AND I KINDA THINK IT'S GREAT HOW QUICKLY THE LADY WENT SUPER CRAZY AFTER VERY LITTLE AND VERY EXPLAINABLE EVENTS. LIKE SHE FELT GENRE SAVVY TO A MOVIE LIKE THIS AND JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE WRONG MOVIE.   PS. KIIIIIIISSSSS IS MY FAVORITE THING IN A MOVIE, HOLY CRAP.

WHAT THE FUCK!?   PS. WHAT. THE. FUCK?