Capital Reviews

The Drowned World [book] I AM SURE YOU COULD RULES LAWYER THE ANSWER TO BE SOME SUMERIAN LEGEND OR SOMETHING BUT THIS IS THE FIRST MODERN SCI-FI ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. IN THIS IT'S DUE TO SOME SOLAR FLARE THING AND NOT MAN MADE, BUT IT MANAGES TO IDENTIFY MELTING ICE CAPS AND SEA LEVEL RISE AS A MAJOR ISSUE. IT'S NEAT TO READ THIS BOOK, BUT I'M GOING TO BE HONEST AND SAY IT WASN'T GREAT. I NEVER REALLY CARED WHAT ANYONE WAS DOING, NO ONE'S GOALS SEEMED THAT IMPORTANT OR INTERESTING. I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEVER EVER COULD PICTURE WHERE THEY EVER WERE.  I THINK THE AUTHOR HAD A CLEAR MAP IN HIS HEAD WHERE WATER WAS AND WASN'T BUT I NEVER REALLY GOT EVEN A ROUGH SENSE OF HOW BIG THE "LAGOON" WAS, WHERE THE SWAMP RELATED TO IT, HOW FAR FROM LAND THEY WERE, AND SO ON. EVEN THE END WHERE THEY GO SOUTH, PRESUMABLY TO FRANCE, I FEEL SURE THE 'TEMPLE' THEY GO TO IS CLEARLY SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETHING MODERN, BUT THE DESCRIPTION DIDN'T SPARK ANY RECOGNITION

The Kite Runner [book,audiobook] I GOTTA SAY, I HAVE WEIRDLY MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS BOOK. I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST THIRD IS AS GOOD AS EVERYONE SAYS IT IS. BUT WHEN THEY GET BACK TO TALIBAN CONTROLLED AFGHANISTAN I JUST DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE IT GOT SILLY, THE STUFF WAS TOO DARK TO BE SILLY, BUT IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH. IT FEELS LIKE IT COULD BE FIXED IF SOME STUFF WAS HIM WALKING BY SOMEONE AND HEARING THEM SAY SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING, OR CHANGING THE TIMELINE SO HE WAS THERE FOR WEEKS OR MONTHS, IT FELT LIKE TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO BE THERE LIKE A DAY AND A HALF AND WALK DOWN ONE STREET AND LIKE 40 DIFFERENT THINGS HAPPEN. LIKE I AM NOT BEING THE TALIBAN DEFENDER, JUST THE WAY IT WAS WRITTEN GOT MORE AND MORE CONTRIVED FEELING. IT FEELS LIKE THE BOOK GOT POPULAR RIGHT AFTER 9/11 AND THE AFGHANISTAN WAR, IT FEELS LIKE THE BOOK GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH WRITTEN IN A LABORATORY TO MAKE PERFECTLY SURE TO SHOW THE AFGHAN PEOPLE AS GOOD AND THE TALIBAN AS BAD, WHICH IS A TOTALLY REASONABLE

 Dune [movie] THIS IS DEFINITELY DUNE, AND IT'S DEFINITELY A MOVIE.  I DON'T KNOW, THIS MOVIE IS REALLY WELL MADE. I'VE READ EVERY DUNE BOOK, EVEN THE AWFUL ONES THAT NO ONE READ. BUT BEING A DUNE MOVIE IT HAS THE SAME ISSUE I ALWAYS HAVE WITH DUNE, THE SETTING OF DUNE IS GREAT, EVERY PART OF DUNE THEY WALK SOMEWHERE AND SOMEONE SAYS 'HEY LOOK AT THIS THING" THEN EVERYONE LOOKS AT THAT THING ARE GREAT. THE WORLDBUILDING OF DUNE IS THE BEST IN THE HISTORY OF SCIENCE FICTION. BUT THE PARTS THAT AREN'T THAT, I DON'T KNOW, I KINDA JUST DON'T LIKE DUNE. I LIKE THE PARTS WHERE SOMEONE LOOKS AT SOMETHING AND THEN SOMEONE ELSE READS THEM THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE ON THAT THING, WHICH IS LIKE 50% OF THE BOOK AND LIKE 40% OF THIS MOVIE, BUT SOMETHING ABOUT DUNE ALWAYS LOSES ME WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DO THINGS. I FEEL LIKE I NEVER LIKE STORIES ABOUT FACTIONS. I REALLY DO LIKE THIS MOVIE AND I LIKE DUNE ON THE WHOLE, BUT I JUST NEVER REALLY GEL WITH THE PLOT ALL THE WAY. PS.

Jesus Shows You the Way to the Highway [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS VERY CLEARLY TRYING TO BE SOME SORT OF JODOROWSKI THING, AND SORT OF AT TIME FELT VERY TRY HARD TO BE OVERY WEIRD ON PURPOSE, SO IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT MAN THIS MOVIE RULES.  I THINK I REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE A LOT.  PS. ALSO THIS MOVIE IS KINDA JUST THE SAME THING AS JAZZPUNK? LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO BE JODOROWSKI TO THE POINT MUSIC SEEMED STOLEN, DID THEY ALSO DIRECTLY RIP OFF JAZZ PUNK? OR IS 'WEIRD 60 VR SPY" JUST A COMMON ENOUGH IDEA FOR WEIRDO MEDIA? 

But you don't look autistic at all [book, nonfiction] I READ THIS AS "A COMEDIC MEMOIR", IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES OF A DUTCH PHOTOGRAPHER/FASHION MODEL GROWING UP AND GETTING DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM. HERE IS THE THING THOUGH, MANY OF THE REVIEWS OF THE BOOK LIST IT AS WITTY/FUNNY AND LIKE.... IT'S NOT. I DON'T MEAN THAT AS A NEGATIVE REVIEW TYPE THING, IT'S JUST LITERALLY NOT THAT BOOK. IT'S ABOUT 2/3RDS A DESCRIPTION OF WHAT AUTISM IS AND ABOUT 1/3RD A PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD TELLING OF HER EXPERIENCE PLUS A FEW CHAPTERS TELLING ABOUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE SHE KNOWS AND THEIR EXPERIENCES. THERE IS LIKE MAYBE 4 JOKES OR ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR IN THE ENTIRE BOOK. IT'S LITERALLY NOT A HUMOROUS BOOK. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S CLEAR EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, LOOKING AT HER ON THE COVER AND GOING BY EXPECTATIONS I THINK PEOPLE SLOTTED HER INTO PIXIE DREAMGIRL AND THEN READ THE WHOLE BOOK AND WROTE THEIR REVIEW BASED ON THE IDEA SHE'S SO QUIRKY WHEN

 Free Guy [movie] PEOPLE HAD TALKED MILDLY POSITIVELY ABOUT THIS BUT MAN THIS MOVIE IS “PIXELS” LEVEL LAME. IT FEELS SO CLEAR THIS WAS A MOVIE THAT WAS MEANT TO COME OUT FOREVER AGO AND BASED ON SOMEONES IDEA ABOUT WHAT GAMES WERE LIKE AS VIEWED BY SOMEONE IN LIKE 2015.  PS. ALSO YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN BY HOW WEIRDLY LOGO MOVIEISH IT KEEPS TRYING TO BE.

Old [movie] THIS MOVIE RULES SO MUCH, ITS LIKE THE HOTDOG MAN FROM THE HAPPENING GOT TO BE EVERY CHARACTER. I WISH SOMEONE COULD HAVE HEARD THE SOUND I MADE WHEN THE BABY DIED OF LONELINESS. ALSO LIKE, WHAT WAS THE FOCUS ON EVERYONE HAVING A SPECIFIC JOB? IT FELT SO WEIRDLY OVER EMPHASIZED LIKE EVERYONE HAD TO HAVE A CHARACTER CLASS. PS. MOVIE FEATURING BELOVED CHARACTERS SUCH AS “HORNY FOUR YEAR OLD.” AND “BLACK MAN NAMED ‘MID SIZED SEDAN’” (GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKS, ITS AMAZING)

What Cats Want: An Illustrated Guide for Truly Understanding Your Cat [book, nonfiction] I'LL BE HONEST, I'VE MIXED IT UP WITH DUMB OR LIGHT BOOKS, BUT I'VE BEEN READING TOO MANY HEAVY SUBJECT BOOKS IN TOO SHORT OF A TIME. MOST OF THE PORTLAND PICK OF THE WEEK BOOKS SEEM TO BE VERY "SERIOUS" SO I REALLY JUST SCROLLED THROUGH THE LIST AND PICKED THE ONE THAT SEEMED THE LIGHTEST. WHICH WAS AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO OWNING A CAT BY A JAPANESE CAT DOCTOR. IF NOTHING ELSE THIS MOVIE EXTREMELY WINS ON HAVING A LOT OF GOOD CUT AND PASTEABLE CAT IMAGES.  PS. I DON'T EVEN OWN A CAT!

 Sightless [movie] IDK, THIS FEELS LIKE THEY HAD A GOOD IDEA AND MADE A PRETTY MEH MOVIE OUT OF IT SO THEY BASICALLY JUST STOLE A GOOD IDEA FOR A MOVIE FROM THE UNIVERSE. PS. SOMEONE IN THIS MOVIE WAS EITHER RACIST OR NOT RACIST TO HAVE THE DETECTIVE BE BLACK. 

Everything Sad is Untrue [book, audiobook, nonfiction] I REALLY LIKED THIS BOOK, MORE THAN I EXPECTED. IT'S A MOSTLY NONFICTION AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN IRANIAN REFUGEE TO AMERICA WRITTEN FICTIONALLY AS IF HE WAS WRITING IT AT 12 YEARS OLD, BUT WITH THE ADDED GIMMICK OF EVERY PART OF IT BEING AS MUCH ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF 'STORIES" AS IT WAS ABOUT THE EVENTS. THAT FEELS LIKE POSSIBLY TOO MANY COMPETING PREMISES FOR A BOOK BUT IT FELT LIKE A REALLY ENGAGING AND WELL THOUGHT OUT BOOK. THE CONTENT OF THE STORIES WERE INTERESTING AND THE POINTS ABOUT STORYTELLING SEEMED LEGITIMATELY PERCEPTIVE.  PS. LIKE, IT MANAGED TO PULL THE VERY GOOFY CLAIM OF 'YOUR GRANDFATHER DYING IN IRAN IS A LOT LIKE KILLING AN ELEMENTAL FIEND IN FINAL FANTASY" INTO A RELATIVELY POIGNANT POINT. 

 Malignant [movie] I LOVE THE TONE OF THIS. A BUNCH IS VERY WINKING “HEY WE ARE IN ON THE JOKE” CAMP, BUT OTHER PARTS ARE MORE “THIS WOULD BE IN A HORROR MOVIE”, BUT THE MOVIE REALLY SHINES IN THE LIMINAL POINTS THAT MAKE YOU JUST ASK “WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE!?” PS. I GOTTA SAY, I RUINED THE EXPERIENCE OF THIS. I READ ALL THE TWISTS AND SAW ALLTHE GOOD SCENES IN TUMBLR GIFS LONG BEFORE WATCHING THIS AND I THINK THAT SAPPED SO MUCH FROM THIS.

 The Squid Game [television] THERE IS LIKE 50 DIFFERENT PIECES OF MEDIA I COULD SAY THIS IS LIKE, BUT NAH, THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD.  ALTHOUGH I FEEL STRONGLY IT LEANED ON HAVING AN EXTREMELY STRONG START AND VISUAL STYLE AND AS IT WENT ON NONE OF THE LATER STORIES LIKE THE COP STUFF OR THE END STUFF WERE THAT INTERESTING SO I HAVE NEAR ZERO INTEREST IN A SECOND SEASON, BUT THIS ONE IS GOOD AND SELF CONTAINED ENOUGH I CAN STOP HERE AND SAY I LIKED THE SHOW.  PS. THE DUBBING IS SO COMICALLY BAD AND IT'S GREAT. I WOULD SAY IT IN FACT DRAMATICALLY IMPROVES THE QUALITY OF THE SHOW IN THAT IT'S ADULTS PLAYING CHILDREN'S GAMES VOICE ACTED BY PEOPLE THAT VOICE ACT THEM LIKE LITTLE KIDS WOULD.

 Eastward [game] EEEHHHHHH... THIS ONE IS HARD. SO MANY INDIVIDUAL ELEMENTS OF THIS ARE JUST TOP NOTCH PERFECT BUT MAN THIS GAME DOESN'T REALLY WORK AS A WHOLE. I FEEL SO GUILTY SAYING THAT. IT'S LIKE THE GAME STARTS WITH A GRITTY SCI-FI PLOTLINE THEN BOGS DOWN IN A SUPER LONG SORT OF BORING SIDE TRACK PRETTY EARLY, BUT EVEN THAT IS FINE, IF THE GAME HAD DROPPED THE SCI-FI QUEST AND JUST PIVOTED TO A CHARACTER DRIVEN THING I COULD SAY THE UNNECESSARY LENGTH IS THERE TO BUILD UP THE CHARACTERS AND THEIR CONNECTIONS, BUT AFTER DROPPING THE FIRST PLOT AND FOCUSING ON THE CHARACTER STUFF INSTEAD OF GOING WITH THAT IT JUST CONTINUOUSLY PIVOTS OVER AND OVER, MAKING UP NEW SCI-FI STUFF OUT OF NOWHERE AND DROPPING EVERYTHING THEY BUILT UP AS IMPORTANT OFF SCREEN. LIKE, YOU ARE GOING TO MONKEY HOLLYWOOD AND TIME TRAVELING AND GETTING EMOTIONS FOR ROBOTS AND IT'S JUST TOO MUCH AND TOO OFF TRACK. ALSO THE GAME GETS WAY INTO QUESTS THAT ARE WALKING A LONG WAY TO SOMEWHERE THEN WALKING