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Showing posts from February, 2015

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water [movie]

I HAVE NEVER REALLY LOVED SPONGEBOB BUT AT LEAST IT IS SOMETIMES FUNNY. THE PACING AND ANIMATION ON THIS SEEMED REALLY REALLY BAD. THE ONLY JOKES THAT WERE FUNNY AT ALL WERE THE AUTO-PIRATE BUTTON AND THE WEIRDLY DEDICATED MAD MAX PARODY. PS. MOVIES I PIRATE TO HAVE BACKGROUND NOISE WHILE PLAYING ZELDA DOT TXT

Persona 3 [game]

IT TOOK ME NEARLY AN ENTIRE YEAR TO PLAY THIS GAME. 70 HOURS OF PLAY BETWEEN APRIL 2014 AND FEBRUARY 2015. THAT SEEMS RIGHT FOR A GAME LIKE THIS. NOT EVERY STORY WAS AS GOOD AS PERSONA 4 BUT THE GOOD ONES WERE. I REALLY LIKE THE ROBOT LESBIAN LOVE STORY, PERSONA GAMES ARE SO ODDLY LGBT POSITIVE, EVEN THE WEIRD CREEPY NECK "IT'S NOT SEX, IT'S A ROBOT THING, BUT IT'S TOTALLY SEX" SCENE HAD SUCH A SWEET CONCEPT BEHIND IT. PS. THE ULTIMATE FORM OF YOUR PERSONA IS MESSIAH, IT'S JESUS. HIS SKILLS ARE RAISING YOU FROM THE DEAD WHEN YOU DIE, HEALING ALL DAMAGE AND CONDITIONS, CALLING DOWN THE HAND OF GOD TO PUNCH ENEMIES, CAUSING ALMIGHTY DAMAGE AND THEN "ABSORB PIERCING DAMAGE" AND THAT LAST ONE IS GREAT, BECAUSE THE CONCEPT IS SO TOTALLY 'BECAUSE JESUS IS GETTING NAILED TO STUFF", IT SO IS!

50 Shades of Grey [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THE BOOK WAS WAY BETTER, BECAUSE THE BOOK HAD A LOT OF OUTLANDISH STUFF THAT AT LEAST MADE THE BOOK HILARIOUS, LIKE THE TAMPON SCENE AND THE THUMB THING THAT MAY BE A JOKE SOMEONE ON TUMBLR MADE UP THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE BOOK WELL ENOUGH TO PROVE OR DISPROVE. ALSO THIS MOVIE SEEMED TO ONLY USE ONE SHOT FOR SEX SCENES: HAVE THE GIRL ARCH HER BACK SO HER CHEST GOT ALL FLATTENED AND HER BOTTOM RIBS STUCK OUT A LOT THEN HAVE THE LIGHT BE SO LOW THAT YOUR BRAIN GOES 'WHAT KIND OF WEIRD ASS BOOBS DOES SHE EVEN HAVE?" EVERY TIME THE SCENE CHANGES BECAUSE YOU THINK HER RIBS ARE SOME KIND OF WEIRD LOWBOOB, THEN ONLY SHOOT THE CAMERA FROM THE ANGLE HER ARCHED BACK COVERS ANY HINT SHE MIGHT HAVE A GROIN AND THEN HAVE GRAY STAND BEHIND SOME TABLE AUSTIN POWERS STYLE TO HIDE HIS DING DONG. PS. I JUST PIRATED THIS, I WAS PLAYING PERSONA 3 AND NEEDED A MOVIE I DIDN'T HAVE TO WATCH VERY WELL SO I COULD FARM RUBIES TO TRY TO BUY AN ARMAGEDDON GEM SO I COULD BEAT THE RE

Jupiter Ascending [movie]

OKAY, SO JACKIE FROM THAT 70S SHOW HAD A JOB CLEANING TOILETS AND THEN HER COUSIN BROUGHT HER TO THE GYNECOLOGIST BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A MURDER GYNECOLOGIST! SO A WEREWOLF SAVED HER AND THEN BEES FOLLOWED HER HAND MOTION BECAUSE BEES FOLLOW ALL TRUE QUEENS SO THEY BROUGHT HER TO MEET HER DAUGHTER WHO REVEALED ETERNAL YOUTH CAME OUT OF GRINDING UP PEOPLE THEN HER SON KIDNAPPED HER AND ALSO REVEALED THAT ETERNAL YOUTH CAME FROM GRINDING UP PEOPLE LIKE MAYBE THEY FORGOT. THEN HER SON WANTED TO MARRY HER SO HE COULD INHERIT THE EARTH. THEN HER EVIL SON KIDNAPPED HER FAMILY AND MADE HER SIGN A THING WITH HER TATTOO, THEN THE WEREWOLF PUNCHED STUFF AND THEN SHE HIT HIM WITH A PIPE AND THEN GOT TO GO BACK TO CLEANING TOILETS AND THE WEREWOLF BECAME A WEREWOLF ANGEL. PS. HOLY CRAP HER NAME WAS "JUPITER JONES"

The Apple [movie]

THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AMAZING. IT CAME SO CLOSE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW #2, BUT IT KINDA FELL APART BECAUSE ROCKY HORROR HAD NEARLY EVERY SONG BE AMAZING BUT THIS HAD EVERY SINGLE SONG BE BORING AS HELL. IT HAD SOME PRETTY GREAT SCENES ANYWAY THOUGH AND IT'S ON NETFLIX SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD WATCH IT. PS. IT IS A 1980S, SCI-FI RETELLING OF THE GARDEN OF EDEN RETOLD AS A DISCO MUSICAL SET IN FUTURISTIC YEAR OF 1994. DISCO WASN'T EVEN A THING IN 1980!

Kids for Cash [Movie, Nonfiction]

WELL JESUS CHRIST EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS THE MOST TERRIBLE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE. PS. THE PART WHERE THE MOM WAS SHOWING HER VARIOUS LAKE ROCKS WAS WEIRD.

Steel Magnolias [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS 50% INACCURATE TYPE ONE DIABETES INFORMATION AND 50% INACCURATE SOUTHERN ACCENTS. PS. WHAT THE HELL. THIS MOVIE IS TWENTY YEARS OLD. BUT THEN IN THE LAST WEEK I LISTENED TO A PODCAST EXPLAINING HOW INACCURATE THE MEDICINE IS THEN UNRELATEDLY MY DOCTOR FRIEND TEXTED ME TO EXPLAIN HOW INACCURATE THE MEDICINE IS THEN LIKE THREE DAYS LATER I SEE THE MOVIE ON THE BUS.

Horns [movie]

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY HARRY POTTER IS ALL GROWN UP AND HORNY NOW. PS. DAMN IT, I WROTE THAT STUPID JOKE BEFORE EVEN STARTING TO WATCH THE MOVIE AND THE MOVIE MADE THAT JOKE LIKE FIVE SECONDS IN.