Capital Reviews

I THINK THIS IS THE ACTUALLY GOOD MOVIE. LATER ONES ARE STUPID AND THE FIRST ONE IS BORING. THIS IS THE ONE THAT IS A TUALLY A VALID HORRIR MOVIE. PS. I FEEL LIKE THE DOLL MANGLING MACHINE WAS PART OF A CUT PLOT. THE FIRST DOLL IT MADE WAS A SCARY VILLIAN LOOKING THING THEN WHEN IT MANGLED CHUCKY THE SCENE JUST ENDED AND HE HAD NO LEGS. 

EVERY SINGLE 80S HORROR MOVIE SERIES ALWAYS FOLLOWS THE SAME ARC. WITH THE FIRST MOVIE BEING LEGITIMATELY SCARY AND TENSE THEN THE SERIES BECOMING MORE OF A SLASHER MOVIE THING THEN EVENTUALLY BECOMING A COMEDY HORROR SERIES. I GUESS SOME SERIES ALSO WENT TO SPACE, I DON'T THINK CHUCKY EVER WENT TO SPACE THOUGH. PS. THIS MOVIE SPENDS HILARIOUSLY LITTLE TIME SETTING UP THE GUY WHO BECOMES THE DOLL. HE'S IN THE DOLL IN THE FIRST 3 MINUTES.

I FEEL OLD, I HATE FOUND FOOTAGE FILMS SO MUCH. SOMEONE LIKES THEM BECAUSE THEY KEEP MAKING THEM BUT THEY ARE JUST SO UNIVERSALLY BAD. NOT ONE SEGMENT OF THIS WAS EVEN WATCHABLE. PS. THE EYE ONE WAS CONCEPTUALLY OKAY. AN EYE THAT SEES THINGS OTHERS CANT BUT THEN THE GHOSTS IMMEDIATELY WERE KNOCKING CRAP OVER AND MOVING STUFF SO WHAT IS THE POINT? 

OH GOD WHY DO THEIR MOUTHS MOVE LIKE THAT!? WHAT EVEN IS IT? IT LOOKS LIKE LOW FRAME RATE CLAYMATION? OR SOME SORT OF CLUTCH CARGO THING? IT'S LIKE THEY GOT SOME FANCY SOFTWARE TO CALCULATE MUSCLE MOVEMENTS AND AUTOMATE MOUTH MOVEMENTS BUT ONLY USED IT TO MAKE KEY FRAMES OR SOMETHING. IT'S HORRIFYING. PS. WHY DID I EVEN WATCH THIS? I JUST POSTED HOW EMBARRASSED I WAS THAT I WATCHED THE OTHER ONE. WHY DID I WATCH ANOTHER ONE?

I ACTUALLY WATCHED THIS A WHILE AGO. THIS MOVIE WAS SO BAD I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED JUST NEVER WRITING IT UP AND JUST EDITING IT OUT OF MY HISTORY OF MOVIE WATCHING. LIKE IT WAS JUST SUCH A BAD MOVIE I FELT LEGITIMATELY EMBARRASSED I WATCHED IT. I DON'T EVEN REALLY FEEL LIKE I CAN EXPLAIN THAT COHERENTLY BUT IT'S JUST THAT BAD. I'D RATHER PEOPLE NOT KNOW I SAW IT. PS. WHY DID EVERYTHING HAVE SUCH FLOATY PHYSICS? WHY DID EVERYONE MOVE SO SLOWLY THROUGH THE AIR?

THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT DISEASES THAT PASS FROM ANIMALS TO HUMANS. WHICH IS BASICALLY EVERY DISEASE. THIS WAS A REALLY GOOD BOOK, I LIKE THAT THE ORAL POLIO VACCINE THING ABOUT HIV HAD ME BASICALLY HOLDING MY BREATH TO FIND OUT IF IT WAS TRUE EVEN THOUGH I CLEARLY KNEW IT WASN'T. ALTHOUGH THE WEIRD AIDS CUT HUNTER FANFICTION PART WAS REALLY WEIRD AND DIDN'T FIT WITH THE BOOK. PS. THIS BOOK DID A REALLY GOOD JOB OF MAKING ME LEARN THAT SARS WAS REALLY FUCKING SCARY AND JUST HAPPENED TO NOT GO ANYWHERE. ALSO THE CATERPILLAR ANALOGY WAS KINDA SCARY TOO?

THIS MOVIE WAS KINDA OKAY (AND TOPICAL!) FOR ABOUT THE FIRST HALF AS A DISEASE MOVIE BUT GIT DULLER AND DULLER AS IT BECAME MORE AND MORE A ZOMBIE MOVIE. ALSO BOY COULD YOU TELL THEY COULDNT AFFORD TO FILM IN A TERMINAL AND HAD TO SET THE MOVIE IN SOME DUMB "STAGING AREA". PS. STAY SAFE EBOLACAT

OKAY NOW I HAD TO WATCH THE ORIGINAL VERSION. IT'S WAY LESS ABOUT BEING ON AN AIRPLANE, THE RAPTURE STUFF IS DONE WITHIN 20 MINUTES AND THIS MOVIE IS A LOT ABOUT POLITICAL STUFF AND ISRAEL AND THE ANTICHRIST. PS. BY FAR THE BEST PART WAS HOW THIS CAME OUT IN THE LATE 90S AND IT WAS STILL POSSIBLE TO HAVE MUSLIMS IN A MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO PAINT THEM AS SCARY AND ISRAEL JUST ASKS NICELY TO BE ALLOWED TO BUILD A TEMPLE ON THE MOUNT NEXT TO THEIR'S AND EVERYONE IS SUPER INTO IT WITH NO SUBPLOT ABOUT WARWICK DAVIS BEING ALL ANTI-MUSLIM.

HOLY CRAP GUYS WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THEY WERE REMAKING LEFT BEHIND WITH NICK CAGE AS THE STAR!? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS CAME OUT SEVERAL WEEKS AGO ALSO? THIS MOVIE WAS SO WEIRD TONALLY, LIKE IT PLAYED EVERY SINGLE CHRISTIAN AS AWFUL AND CRAZY AND IT HAD SUCH WEIRD SENSIBILITIES WHO GOT TO GO TO HEAVEN. PS. PRIMARY ANTAGONISTS: WARWICK DAVIS, GOD.

I DON'T KNOW, THIS MOVIE WASN'T BAD BUT IT WAS SET IN THE ARKHAM VIDEOGAME UNIVERSE AND IT WAS A SUICIDE SQUAD MOVIE SO IT BARELY SHOWED BATMAN BUT THE MAYBE 3 MINUTES HE WAS ON SCREEN WAS JUST THE WORST. EVERY SINGLE TIME HE SHOWED UP HE HAD TO USE SOME DUMB GAME MECHANIC THING AND IT WAS REALLY DISTRACTING. PS. IT FELT WEIRD THAT THIS MOVIE APPARENTLY HAD PERMISSION TO KILL ANY C LIST BATMAN CHARACTERS CASUALLY AND ALSO COULD KILL A LIST IF IT MADE IT AMBIGUOUS IF THEY REALLY DIED. LIKE YOU DON'T EXPECT HARVEY DENT TO JUST DIE IN A RANDOM FIGHT SCENE.

THIS MOVIE WASN'T VERY GOOD. OF COURSE IT WASN'T VERY GOOD. THE WHOLE APPEAL OF THIS MOVIE IS THE FACT IT WAS SOME WEIRD LOST AND FORBIDDEN MOVIE. IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ACTUALLY GOOD. THE OPENING SCENE WAS P. OKAY THOUGH SO AT LEAST THERE WAS THAT. PS. I GUESS THE THEME FOR TODAY IS 'WATCH MOVIES ON MY COMPUTER THAT I DOWNLOADED YEARS AGO AND NEVER WATCHED'

I HAVE MADE MULTIPLE ATTEMPTS BEFORE NOW TO EITHER READ THE BOOK OR WATCH THE FILM OF THIS QUASI-NOT REALLY SEQUEL TO WATERSHIP DOWN. EVERY TIME I HAD TO STOP BECAUSE IT'S TOO UNHAPPY. THIS IS THE MOST GRIM AND UNHAPPY MOVIE I'VE EVER WATCHED. I READ ON WIKIPEDIA THE BOOK WASN'T UNHAPPY ENOUGH SO THEY MADE THE MOVIE MORE UNHAPPY TO BETTER MATCH THE AUTHOR'S ORIGINAL VISION FOR THE STORY. IT'S NOT EVEN REALLY LIKE GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES WHERE YOU CRY THE WHOLE MOVIE, IT'S JUST AN ABSURDLY BLEAK CARTOON ABOUT EVERYTHING SUCKING FOREVER.  PS. RIP IN PEACE EBOLADOG. 

I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THIS SHOW. LIKE THE NORMAL EPISODES SEEM LIKE SUB OUTLAW STAR QUALITY COWBOY BEBOP RIPOFFS AND I KINDA DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE CHARACTERS BUT THEN THE WEIRD EXPERIMENTAL EPISODES AND THE GUEST DIRECTOR EPISODES ARE SO GOOD TO THE POINT I WONDER IF THE CREATORS EVEN LIKED THE NORMAL EPISODES OR IF THEY JUST EXIST TO BE A BASELINE TO MAKE WEIRD EXPERIMENTAL EPISODES OFF OF. PS. DON'T ASK ME TO CLEARLY DEFINE WHICH EPISODES ARE THE REAL ONES AND WHICH ARE THE EXPERIMENTAL ONES.

THIS WASN'T A TERRIBLE MOVIE BUT IT FELT REALLY UNFOCUSED, LIKE THE MONSTER DIDN'T HAVE A CLEAR MO AND WAS JUST FARTING AROUND FOR MOST OF THE MOVIE WITH NO CLEAR THEN JUST PICKING ONE UP IN THE LAST SCENE. I LIKE THAT IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT IT DIDN'T ATTACK THE PRIEST, THE PRIEST WAS JUST NATURALLY BLASTED BACK FROM HITTING CHURCH FORCE FIELD. PS. WHY DID THEY HAVE COLOR PICTURES FROM LIKE THE 50S?

THIS MOVIW SEEMED REALLY CULTURALLY SPECIFIC. LIKE I MEAN IT WASNT HARD TO FOLLOW OR ANYTHING BUT I FELT LIKE THERE WAS A LOT OF TIMES I THINK I WAS MISSING OUT ON WHAT TGREAT PEOPLE WERE UNDER. LIKE EVEN LITTLE MOTH RUNNING AWAY SEEMED WEIRD SINCE THE PEOPLE SEEMED REASONALLY OKAY AND THE MEDICINE THEY DENYED HER WAS CRAZY FOLK HERBS THEY GOT FOR FREE. SORRY, LET ME GO PEE IN THIS DITCH. PS. MOTHS ARE THE NEW TRAINS.

I HATE TO WRITE A REVIEW JUST ABOUT HOW UGLY SOME YOUNG WOMAN IS BUT JESUS CHRIST LILY COLE IS THE UGLIEST PERSON ON PLANET EARTH. I HATE LOOKING AT HER SO MUCH. I THINK SHE IS A MODEL OR SOMETHING BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE A WEIRD FROG BABY WITH EYES THAT ARE SUNKEN IN AND ALSO SIX MILES APART AND THE SMALLEST MOUTH ON EARTH. PS. SHE WAS SEX VAMPIRING THE BLOND GIRL SO THE BLOND GIRL DIDNT HAVE HER PERIOD?  WHAT EVEN IS THE IMPLIED MECHANICS THERE? 

I SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY ON CAR THIS MONTH BUT I WANT VIDEOGAMES SO I AM TRYING TO PLAY STUFF THAT IS CHEAP OR FREE FOR A WHILE. BUT THIS GAME IS PRETTY OKAY. I THINK I FIND THE FISH FLYING UP IN THE AIR AND HAVING TO SHOOT THEM WITH GUNS SOMEHOW INHERENTLY HILARIOUS NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT HAPPENED. IT'S SUCH A STUPID MECHANIC THAT IT WAS PERFECT. PS. IT'S WEIRD THE STORY HAS SUCH A KINDA SAD AND EMOTIONAL ENDING FOR A GAME THAT HAD NO CLUE UP TO THAT POINT THERE EVEN WAS A STORY AT ALL OR THAT RANDOMLY DOING THE THING THAT ENDS THE GAME WAS EVEN A THING THAT WOULD END THE GAME.