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Showing posts from October, 2018

Stories Untold [game]

Stories Untold [game] I PLAYED THIS WHOLE GAME IN THE DARK ON A SPOOKY HALLOWEEN NIGHT AND THAT IS A REAL REAL GOOD WAY TO PLAY THIS GAME. A BAD WAY TO PLAY THIS GAME IS NOT REALIZING YOU COULD ZOOM IN ON THE MICROFICHE TILL NEAR THE END OF THAT SEGMENT. ALTHOUGH IN GENERAL I LOVE THE CONCEPT OF HAVING TO USE POORLY DOCUMENTED SYSTEMS AS HORROR AND I LOVE HOW I ALWAYS COULD SOLVE THE PROBLEMS BY MOSTLY BUT NOT ENTIRELY UNDERSTANDING WHAT I WAS DOING. PS. I REALLY LIKE THE STORY, I THINK I GOT REALLY INVESTED IN THE SIGNAL STATION STORY TOO THOUGH AND GOT A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THAT WASN'T THE MAIN THING. 

Fortnite [game]

Fortnite [game] I DIDN'T WANT TO START A GAME BEFORE GOING ON A TRIP SO I FIGURED I'D PLAY THIS FOR A FEW DAYS SINCE IT'S FREE JUST TO SEE WHAT THE DEAL WAS. IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I EXPECTED TO BE AN OLD MAN PLAYING A GAME FOR THE WRONG GENERATION AND IT WAS TOTALLY THAT BUT IN A BAFFLINGLY OPPOSITE DIRECTION. LIKE EVERYONE WAS SHOCKINGLY GOOD AT SHOOTING AND WATCHING ANYONE ELSE BUILD WAS LIKE WATCHING AN ALIEN. IN LIKE 30 GAMES I HAD LIKE 2 KILLS AND ONLY EVER HIT PEOPLE WITH A GUN AT ALL A HANDFUL OF TIMES. YET I WAS ALMOST ALWAYS IN THE TOP TEN AND OFTEN IN THE TOP THREE. I WRITE THIS AFTER I GOT A FIRST PLACE VICTORY. AND IT'S WEIRD HOW THIS ISN'T ME BEING GOOD AT THE GAME. MY WHOLE STRATEGY IS TO DROP FAR FROM EVERYONE THEN WALK SLOWLY BACK TOWARDS THE CIRCLE. BUT EVERYONE ELSE JUST RUNS AT EACH OTHER GUNS BLAZING, LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN GET ANYTHING FOR KILLING, AND IT'S HILARIOUS THAT THE WAY I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS GAME IS THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS PLAYIN...

Batman: Bad Blood [movie]

Batman: Bad Blood [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS WAS JUST NOTHING. IT WASN'T OFFENSIVELY BAD BUT IT WAS JUST FELT LIKE A RANDOM EPISODE OF SOME HYPOTHETICAL BATMAN CARTOON SHOW. NO ONE DID ANYTHING AND NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED. PS. I WILL LITERALLY NEVER CARE ABOUT ANY AL GHUL, INCLUDING DAMIAN. NEVER!

Murder Party [movie]

Murder Party [movie] I DIDN'T LIKE THIS MOVIE AT ALL. MY REVIEW OF THIS WAS GOING TO BE "I BET I'LL FORGOT I EVEN WATCHED THIS IN A FEW DAYS" BUT SINCE FACEBOOK SECURITY MADE POSTING CAPITAL REVIEWS MULTIPLE STEPS I DECIDED TO WRITE THIS THE NEXT DAY THEN FORGOT I WATCHED IT TILL RIGHT NOW, DAYS LATER. IT WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY WAY TOO WACKY AND NOT NEARLY WACKY ENOUGH.  PS. I THINK PEOPLE REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE AND NETFLIX RAN SOME WEIRD ASSAULT TO DO EVERYTHING IN IT'S POWER TO MAKE SURE I WATCHED IT AND I THINK I LIKED IT EXTRA LITTLE BECAUSE I HAVE FELT WEAK WILLED AND POWERLESS LATELY AND FALLING TO DIRECTED MARKETING AND ACTUALLY WATCHING IT MADE ME FEEL BAD.

Cult of Chucky [movie]

Cult of Chucky [movie] I HAVE WATCHED EVERY CHUCKY MOVIE, NOT SUPER RECENTLY BUT IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS EVEN. BUT MAN THIS MOVIE IS SO LORE AND CALLBACK HEAVY I FELT LIKE I COULD NOT KEEP UP, I HAD TO REMEMBER WHO ANDY WAS FROM CONTEXT, I DON'T KNOW WHO NICO IS, I DON'T KNOW WHY TIFFANY IS ALIVE OR WHO ALICE IS OR A MILLION OTHER THINGS THAT PROBABLY JUST REQUIRED VERY BASIC PAYING ATTENTION TO BASIC DETAILS OF PAST MOVIES THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO. ON THE OTHER HAND I LOVE THAT IT WAS SUPER LORE HEAVY IMPENETRABLE CHARACTER BACKSTORY BUT THEN CHUCKY'S WHOLE POWERSET IS TOTALLY CHANGED AND LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON IS HE DOWNLOADED MAGIC OFF THE INTERNET. PS. I FEEL VERY BAD THAT GAY MS HUSBAND GUY DIED. HE SEEMED LIKE WEIRDLY POSITIVE IN A SERIES THAT HAS BEEN REALLY SHITTY TO A BUNCH OF GROUPS IN THE PAST. HE WAS GAY, HIS HUSBAND HAD MS AND HE GAVE THE LADY GUM BECAUSE SHE HAD A WHEEL CHAIR. THEN HIS DEATH WAS REAL DUMB AND THAT WAS HIS WHOLE CHARACTER ARC.

Hilda [television]

Hilda [television] THIS SHOW IS REALLY GOOD AND I HOPE THEY MAKE LIKE 10 MORE SEASONS BUT ALSO I PROBABLY WON'T WATCH THEM. IT'S WEIRD, FOR THE LAST LIKE, DECADE ANY KIDS SHOW THAT WAS GOOD WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT WAS GOOD FOR EVERYONE. LIKE ANYONE ALIVE SHOULD WATCH OVER THE GARDEN WALL, OR ADVENTURE TIME OR AVATAR, THIS ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE IT'S BOTH GOOD AND ALSO NOT FOR 36 YEAR OLDS. WHICH SEEMS EXTREMELY NORMAL AS A CONCEPT BUT HASN'T BEEN HOW CARTOONS WORKED FOR A WHILE. LIKE THIS IS EXTREMELY NOT BAD BUT FELT LIKE IT'D FIT ON PBS MOST OF ALL. PS. THE CREATURE AND CHARACTER DESIGN IS LEGIT SUPER GOOD, THE RAT KING AND THE TIDE MICE AND THE OLD GIANT (AND THE FOREST GIANT)  AND THE NISSE AND EVEN THE GHOSTS WERE ALL SERIOUSLY GOOD DESIGNS.

Mass Effect: Andromeda [game]

Mass Effect: Andromeda [game] BREAKING NEWS: THIS GAME IS REALLY BAD AND I PLAYED IT FROM SOME WEIRD PLACE OF NOTICING I OVER THINK PS4 PURCHASES AND BEING TOO AGITATED TO PLAY A GOOD GAME AFTER WATCHING THE BRETT KAVANAUGH TRIAL (???). BUT MAN IS THIS GAME BAD. LIKE I EVEN LIKED MASS EFFECT 3. I THINK THE WORST PART IS YOU COULD SEE GLIMMERS OF HOW IT COULD BE GOOD, LIKE THERE WAS A MILLION ACTUALLY POTENTIALLY INTERESTING WAYS TO CUSTOMIZE AND UPGRADE STUFF BUT I ENDED UP PLAYING THE WHOLE GAME IN THE DEFAULT LEVEL 1 ARMOR AND A BUNCH OF LEVEL 2 GUNS BECAUSE EVERY FIGHT IS LIKE 20 SECONDS LONG AND STUPIDLY EASY (ON NORMAL AT LEAST) SO WHY GO THROUGH 50 STEPS TO MAKE SOME LEGITIMATELY COOL SEEMING GUNS WHEN THE DEFAULT PISTOL KILLS EVERYTHING WITH ZERO EFFORT? I THINK THE ONLY PART OF THE GAME I LIKED WAS THAT I HAD A SOUND BUG WHERE THE POSITIONAL AUDIO STAYED ON DURING CUT SCENES SO MY TEAM MATES WERE ALWAYS TALKING FROM FAR AWAY AND SOMETHING REALLY STRUCK ME AS HILARIOUS OF EVERY ...

The Brain [movie, mst3k]

The Brain [movie, mst3k] OH MAN, THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. I AM ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW MUCH EFFORT WAS PUT INTO ESTABLISHING THE CONCEPT OF SODIUM. LIKE I LOVED MANDY BECAUSE IT JUST BROUGHT CONCEPTS OUT OF NO WHERE AND I LOVE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT LITERALLY SIGNPOSTED THE CONCEPT OF SODIUM THE ENTIRE MOVIE FOR LIKE, EXTREMELY LITTLE PAYOFF.  ALSO MST3K SAYING "TO THE STAIRS" AND THEN THEM ACTUALLY GOING TO THE STAIRS MAY BE THE MOST I'VE LAUGHED AT ANYTHING IN LIKE, YEARS. PS. "TIME TO ARREST THE DONUTS" AND THE PARAPPA THE RAPPER JOKE WERE SOMEHOW STILL MY FAVORITE MST3K JOKES DESPITE JUST SAYING THE STAIRS THING WAS THE FUNNIEST.

Mandy [movie, amazing]

Mandy [movie, amazing] JESUS THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. I COMPLAINED THAT HEREDITY HAD A MAGIC EXPLANATION FOR STUFF THAT SHOULD HAVE STAYED NON-MAGIC BUT THIS MOVIE WAS OFFICIALLY MAGIC FREE AND WENT TO LIKE METAL GEAR LEVELS OF CLEARLY BEING ALL MAGIC BASED THEN HAND WAVING THAT PEOPLE WERE WEARING SUITS FULL OF LSD GEL AND MAYBE WASPS SO THEY COULD HAND PARRY AX BLADES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THE GUY HAD A GIANT CHAIN SAW SITTING WITH HIM. IT WAS ALL SUPER GREAT AND I LOVED IT. THIS IS BASICALLY NICK CAGE MAD MAX I. PS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT THIS IS ALMOST BUCKAROO BANZAI LEVELS OF HAVING EXACTLY ZERO BACKSTORY AND JUST ASKING YOU TO ACCEPT THAT NICK CAGE HAS A SECRET NAMED CROSSBOW THAT HE HAS HIRED SOMEONE TO WATCH AND PROTECT AND THAT HE CAN ALSO JUST FORGE A CRAZY SPACE AX TO BE HIS SIGNATURE WEAPON IN LIKE 5 MINTUES IF NEEDED IN HIS HOME FORGE.

Hereditary [movie]

Hereditary [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS REALLY GOOD, BUT I THINK I LIKED IT A MILLION TIMES MORE WHEN IT WAS FAMILY DRAMA WITH LIGHT POSSIBLY SUPERNATURAL ELEMENTS THAN WHEN IT GOT MORE OVERTLY MAGIC. BASICALLY EXACTLY LIKE THE VVITCH BUT THAT MOVIE SHIFTED IN THE LAST 30 SECONDS AND THIS ONE SHIFTED AT THE LAST 30 MINUTES.   PS. THE PHOTOS OF GRANDMA IN THE CULT LOOKED LIKE SCREENSHOTS FROM TIM AND ERIC.

Venom [movie]

Venom [movie] THIS MOVIE IS WEIRD AS HECK. THE ENTIRE FIRST HOUR IS DEAD SERIOUS, SUPER GRITTY, NO JOKES, DARK AS POSSIBLE THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WHEN VENOM FINALLY SHOWS UP IT TURNS ULTRA NONSTOP GOOFBALL. BUT ONLY THE DIALOG, THE ACTION IS STILL MOSTLY FROM A SUPER SERIOUS MOVIE. IT'S WEIRD AS HECK AND IT FEELS LIKE ONE OF THOSE ANIMES THEY BOUGHT THE RIGHTS TO AND THEN JUST DUBBED HOWEVER LIKE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS OR THAT GHOST STORIES ONE. LIKE THEY FILMED THE WHOLE MOVIE TO BE EXTRA SERIOUS AND NO ONE LIKED IT SO THEY REALIZED THEY COULD JUST DUB VENOM SAYING WHATEVER AND DIDN'T HAVE TO ANIMATE IT UNLESS HIS FACE IS OUT SO THEY COULD JUST ADD A BUNCH OF RUNNING COMMENTARY JOKES. PS.THE LEVEL OF "MALE MONSTERS ARE BIG SCARY MONSTERS AND FEMALE MONSTERS ARE SEXY BOOBIE LADIES" WAS OFF THE CHART!

Chopping Mall [movie]

Chopping Mall [movie] MAN, THIS WAS ALMOST GREAT. IT CAME SO CLOSE, IT HAD EVERY BAD SPECIAL EFFECT AND ABSURD 80S HORROR PREMISE TO MAKE A PERFECT BAD HORROR MOVIE, EVERYTHING WAS JUST LIKE 20% TOO SLOW. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED JUST WENT ON JUST SO SLIGHTLY TOO LONG TO THE POINT EVERYTHING THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OVER THE TOP CRAZY WAS JUST BORING. PS. HER NOT HAVING GIANT AREOLA AT THE END OF THAT PIZZA THING WAS THE GREATEST CRIME EVER COMMITTED.

Isle of Dogs [movie, amazing]

Isle of Dogs [movie, amazing] JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE IS GOOD. I KINDA FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WATCH IT A BUNCH MORE TIMES JUST TO CATCH ALL THE WEIRD LITTLE THINGS THAT HAPPEN REALLY QUICK. THE ONLY PART THAT WAS BAD WAS THAT TOO MANY PEOPLE HAD STUPID NAMES. YOKO ONO? COME ON. PS. I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE BUT KNOW LIKE MAYBE LIKE A HUNDRED WORDS VAGUELY AND THIS SORT OF THING WHERE THEY DON'T TRANSLATE EVERYTHING MAKES ME CONVINCED I JUST HAVE TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY AND I'LL BE ABLE TO CATCH BITS OF WHAT IS BEING SAID. AND I ALWAYS CATCH JUST BARELY ENOUGH TO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS BEING SAID BUT LIKE, PICK UP RANDOM NOUNS THEN HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE SAYING ABOUT THEM.