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Showing posts from October, 2020

Poltergeist [movie]

Poltergeist [movie]  THIS IS THE SORT OF MOVIE I HAVEN'T REALLY WATCHED SINCE VHS DAYS BUT ALSO IT'S ON TV ALL THE TIME SO I HAVE SEEN EVERY SCENE A MILLION TIMES BUT I HAVEN'T REALLY SAT DOWN AND WATCHED IT IN A LONG TIME. MAN, THIS MOVIE IS GOOFY AS HECK, I THINK I REMEMBERED IT AS BEING A PRETTY SPOOKY MOVIE, BUT LOL, NO.  PS. DID REMOTE CONTROLS EVER WORK LIKE THAT? WAS THAT A THING? 

Family Blood [movie]

 Family Blood [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS MOVIE IS FINE, I DON'T DISLIKE IT. BUT GOD, IN THE FIRST HALF THE METAPHOR IS ABOUT 10 TRILLION TIMES TOO HEAVY HANDED, THEN IN THE SECOND HALF THEY ABSOLUTELY DROP IT AND IT MAKES EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS MAKE YOU ASK "WAIT, IS DRUG USE LIKE THIS"? PS. THE RAG DOLL DUMMY KID FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS IS THE MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS THING I CAN IMAGINE

Malevolent [movie]

Malevolent [movie] I DIDN'T WRITE THE REVIEW FOR THIS RIGHT AWAY AND IMMEDIATELY FORGOT I WATCHED IT AND THEN WITHIN A DAY FORGOT WHAT THE NAME WAS AND COULDN'T EVEN LOOK IT UP. IT'S A TOTALLY NOTHING MOVIE, IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE IT PAYS OFF IT'S PREMISE. LIKE SOMEONE IS SCAMMING FAKE GHOST HUNTING THEN THE BAD GUY IS.... A GERMAN LADY? THEN THERE IS ALSO A GHOST THERE I GUESS AS A SECONDARY THING? IT'S NOTHING. PS. THE ONLY GOOD PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT IT'S THE RARE MOVIE THAT RECOGNIZES THE INHERENT CREEPYNESS OF A DOCTOR DEMENTO SOUNDTRACK. 

Nobody sleeps in the woods tonight [movie]

Nobody sleeps in the woods tonight [movie] THIS IS THE 'FIRST POLISH SLASHER MOVIE' AND BOY IS IT POLISH, WITHIN FIVE MINUTES THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW SOMEONE HAS THE SAME NAME AS A BRAND OF SAUSAGES.  PS. THE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE IS NOT PART OF IT IS AS GOOD AS THE PART RIGHT AT THE START WHERE THE BAD DUB GUY SAYS "ADRENALINE" WEIRD. 

Pet Sematary [movie]

Pet Sematary [movie] THIS JUST ISN'T VERY GOOD. I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE DEAL WITH PET SEMATARY IS HOW OH SPOOKY IT IS WHEN YOU REALIZED WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO, BUT LIKE, THIS IS THE EIGHT BILLIONTH REMAKE AND RETELLING SO YOU ALREADY KNOW THEY PUT A KID IN THERE. AND NOTHING ELSE REALLY HAPPENS. THEY MOSTLY JUST SIT AROUND A LOT AND ALSO THIS VERSION CUTS THE STORY DOWN A LOT BUT KEEPS A LOT OF THE VISIONS AND LIKE, THEY DON'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE. THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY REASON ANYONE HAS ANY VISIONS. PS. I LIKE THAT THEY MOSTLY MAKE CHURCH BARELY MORE EVIL THAN AN ACTUAL CAT. LIKE IN THE OLD MOVIE HE'S A MONSTER SPOOKY HELL CAT, EVERYTHING HE DOES IN THIS IS STUFF A REAL CAT WOULD DO. LIKE YOU DON'T NEED A CREATURE FROM HELL TO HAVE A CAT THAT BRINGS A LIVE BIRD INTO YOUR BED.

Color out of Space [movie]

Color out of Space [movie] THIS IS HIGH LEVELS OF A NIC CAGE IS CRAZY AND YELLS A LOT MOVIE SO IT SEEMS LIKE IT'D BE CAMPY AND DUMB BUT IT HONESTLY REALLY WORKS. LIKE THIS ACTUALLY IS THE CORRECT FILMING OF A LOVECRAFT STORY, WHERE NO ONE IS GOING ON AN ADVENTURE AND FIGHTING MONSTERS, IT'S JUST SOME IMPOSSIBLY POWERFUL FORCE SHOWS UP, YOU WANDER AROUND A WHILE TOTALLY AT IT'S MERCY WHILE IT DOES WHATEVER CRAZY THING IT DOES AND DIE OR DON'T THEN IT LEAVES. LIKE FEW OTHER ADAPTATIONS HAVE GOTTEN THAT. THEY WANT TO MAKE THE MONSTER THE ANTAGONIST AND THE CHARACTERS THE HEROS, BUT THIS IS JUST A RANDOM FAMILY KINDA GETTING FUCKED UP BY WEIRD RANDOM STUFF HAPPENING FOR TWO HOURS WITH NO REAL AGENCY IN WHAT HAPPENS AND THAT IS THE HORROR, NOT JUST SPIDERMOM LOOKING SPOOKY.  PS. I LIKE HOW MUCH THIS STOLE FROM ANNIHILATION SINCE ANNIHILATION STOLE EVERYTHING FROM COLOUR OUT OF SPACE IN THE FIRST PLACE. 

Cadaver [movie]

Cadaver [movie] I DON'T KNOW MAN, IT FEELS LIKE THEY FILMED THIS WITH A NICE CAMERA ON VERY NICE SETS SO IT TRICKS YOUR BRAIN INTO THINKING THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE BUT GOOD LORD IS THIS DUMB. LIKE ANYONE WHO IS NOT A LITERAL BABY KNOWS WHAT THE TWIST IS INSTANTLY, THE PREMISE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THAT IS A RED HERRING AND IT'S GOING TO TURN INTO SOME SORT OF "THE GAME" STYLE MULTI LEVEL TWIST, BUT LIKE NOPE, IT'S ACTUALLY AS STUPID AS IT SEEMS.  PS. I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING IS THE MOST GENERIC PLOT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, BUT THIS FEELS LIKE THEY LITERALLY JUST WANTED TO MAKE THE ULTRALUX QUEST FROM NEW VEGAS. LIKE THE MASKS AND POST APOCALYPTIC SETTING FEEL WAY WAY TOO SPECIFIC. 

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween [movie]

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween [movie] I DON'T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED BUT THIS HAS A REAL TV MOVIE VIBE TO IT THAT WASN'T GREAT. THE FIRST ONE WASN'T AMAZING BUT IT FELT WAY MORE WATCHABLE, THIS ONE ISN'T BAD, BUT IT JUST ISN'T ANYTHING.  PS. WHY DID THIS HAVE SUCH EXTENSIVE STREET FIGHTER TIE IN?  WHO IS THAT FOR?  

1br [movie]

1br [movie] I JUST DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE AT ALL, WAY TOO TORTURE PORNY. ALSO IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS THE DIRECTOR'S FIRST MOVIE AND THIS WHOLE MOVIE FEELS LIKE THEY REALLY MOVED INTO AN APPARTMENT BUILDING AND THEN SAID 'WUT IF THIS WAS A CULT" AND THIS IMAGINATION BACK STORY I MADE UP MAKES ME LIKE IT EVEN LESS.  PS. ALSO THEY BAKED THE GARF AND I'M NOT GOING TO LIKE ANY MOVIE THAT DOES THAT. 

Hubie Halloween [movie]

 Hubie Halloween [movie] OH GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKS SO BAD. I LOVE IT. IT'S NOT EVEN SO BAD IT'S GOOD OR ANYTHING, IT'S JUST PLAIN AWFUL, BUT IT'S SPECIFICALLY SO PERFECTLY AN AWFUL MOVIE THAT WOULD HAVE COME OUT IN 1998 OR SOMETHING. LIKE IT'S NOT RETRO OR THROWBACK, BUT IT'S JUST EXACTLY A MOVIE THAT WOULD HAVE COME OUT BETWEEN LITTLE NICKY AND WATERBOY. IT SUCKS SO MUCH! I LOVE IT! PS. PREDICTION: I BET THIS BECOMES A THING. AS THE WORLD FALLS MORE AND MORE APART I BET THIS SORT OF "IT'S LIKE HOW IT USED TO BE" MEDIA WILL BE A THING. LIKE SOMEONE WILL START MAKING 90S SITCOMS IN THE MOLD OF FRIENDS UNIRONICALLY AND WITH NO LAYER OF PARODY OR ANYTHING. 

Catherine: Full Body [game]

Catherine: Full Body [game] I LOVE HOW MUCH THIS IS A SECRET PERSONA GAME. I KNOW IT HAS CROSSOVERS AND THE WHOLE REASON THE GAME EXISTS AND IS SO WEIRDLY SIMPLE IS THE PERSONA DEVELOPERS MAKING A TEST GAME BEFORE 4 CAME OUT BUT MAN IS THIS PERSONA. PERSONA FOR ADULTS. ALSO LIKE PERSONA THE RERELEASE IS INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL. I CAN'T IMAGINE THIS GAME WITHOUT QATHERINE, IT FEELS LIKE THAT IS THE WHOLE GAME. ALSO I PLAYED THIS GAME TWICE, ONCE ANSWERING MY REAL ANSWERS AND ONCE WITH A GUIDE TO GET THE RIN ENDING. MY REAL ANSWERS WERE ALMOST 100% 'ORDER' ON THE FREEDOM/ORDER GADGE AND THAT IS SITTING PRETTY HEAVY WITH ME. IT'S NOT EXACTLY WRONG.   PS.  I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE EXTREMELY TOO MUCH RACED TO OUT WOKE EACHOTHER AND REALLY MISSED THE POINT OF A LOT OF THINGS IN THIS GAME. 

Night Train to Terror [movie]

Night Train to Terror [movie] THIS MOVIE IS EXTREMELY GOOD.  IT'S AN ANTHOLOGY MOVIE WHERE GOD AND SATAN ARE ON A ROCK AND ROLL TRAIN DEBATING CASES ON IF THEY SHOULD GO TO HEAVEN OR HELL AND THE 'CASES' ARE CHOPPED UP FAILED AND UNRELEASED HORROR MOVIES WHERE THEY TURNED 90 MINUTE MOVIES INTO 30 MINUTE STORIES BUT SOMEHOW INSTEAD OF JUST CUTTING THE PLOT DOWN TO A QUICK SUMMARY THEY TRIED TO MAKE THEIR OWN STORIES? THEY ARE INSANE AND MAKE NO SENSE BUT AREN'T COMEDY PARODY OR ANYTHING, THEY FEEL LIKE A MOVIE A LITTLE KID WOULD MAKE.  PS. PLEASE WATCH THIS MOVIE, IT'S SO GOOD. 

The Addams Family [movie]

 The Addams Family [movie] THIS MOVIE FEELS SO WEIRDLY SLIGHT. LIKE STUFF HAPPENED BUT IT FELT LIKE THE BARE MINIMUM THAT COULD HAPPEN. ALSO EVERYONE'S VOICE IS REALLY BAD. FESTER BEING THE GUY FROM BIG MOUTH SUCKS AND PUGSLY LOOKS AND ACTS LIKE BOBBY HILL AND THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST CAST BOBBY HILL. ALSO THIS MOVIE FEELS LIKE IT HAS LGBT THEMES, BUT THE MOVIE SEEMS SO THIN IT DOESN'T. LIKE THE WHOLE WEDNESDAY PLOT FEELS LIKE "AH YES, THEMES WOULD GO HERE" BUT THE MOVIE IS JUST SO SLIGHT THERE REALLY ISN'T. PS. IT LOOKING AT FEET PICTURES ON THE INTERNET WAS THE WEIRDEST JOKE

The Physics of Sorrow [movie]

 The Physics of Sorrow [movie] THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOVIES THAT EXISTS ONLY BECAUSE THEY DREW IT WEIRD. LIKE THE WHOLE MOVIE IS MELTED INTO COLORED BEES WAX, MOST OF IT LOOKED REALLY COOL AND GOOD, THEY ALSO TOOK A GOOD DIRECTION BY MAKING IT ABOUT CHILDHOOD MEMORIES SO WHEN THE VAN DRIVES AWAY AND LOOKS LIKE GARBAGE YOU CAN SAY "AH YEAH, THEY ARE DRIVING AWAY FOREVER OUT OF HIS LIFE SO OF COURSE IT WOULD TURN INTO A SMEARED AND FADED BLOB AS IT DROVE OFF" (BUT THEN THERE WAS A COUPLE RANDOM PARTS THAT LOOKED REAL BAD AND IT WAS LIKE "WHY DID THIS PART EVEN HAVE TO BE HERE IF THEY COULDN'T DRAW IT RIGHT?") PS. I LOVE HOW TRANSPARENTLY THIS MOVIE IS OBSESSED WITH MAKING LISTS OF THINGS, LIKE AS AN EXCUSE TO MAKE A BUNCH OF STATIC STILL SHOTS. EVERY SINGLE THING SEEN OR MENTIONED WILL BE WORKED INTO A REASON THEY NEED TO LIST LIKE 5 OR 6 OBJECTS. 

Death of Stalin [movie]

 Death of Stalin [movie] HAHA, I MEAN, YOU GET IT. LOL. PS. IT'S ON NETFLIX NOW

Ludo [movie]

 Ludo [movie] I LOVE HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE ABSOLUTELY 100% CHANGES DIRECTION. LIKE THE FIRST THIRD IS A BANGLADESHI HORROR TEEN HORROR MOVIE WITH SOME TEENS HIDING IN AN ABANDON MALL AFTER HOURS AND SOME SPOOKY MONSTER SHOWING UP. BUT THEN AFTER KILLING THEM FOR A WHILE THE MONSTER SITS THEM DOWN AND SPENDS THE REST OF THE MOVIE TELLING IT'S ORIGIN STORY AND IT NEVER GETS BACK TO THE TEENS. AND ALSO THE ORIGIN STORY IS LIKE, ABSURDLY ANIME AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE HAS JAPANESE-ESQ NAMES? (AND GRANDPA GHOST IS COVERED IN YELLOW IN A WAY TO MAKE HIM LOOK SPOOKY THAT I WON'T RULE OUT IS ALSO TO MAKE HIM YELLOWFACE) PS. THEN ALSO THIS MOVIE IS THE SINISTER ORIGIN OF THE EVIL GAME PACHISI 

The Willoughbys [movie]

 The Willoughbys [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REALLY WEIRD, IT'S PRETTY FUNNY BUT FEELS LIKE IT HAS A MILLION THINGS GOING ON AT ALL TIMES, ALSO IT'S ABSURDLY DARK, NOT JUST THAT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE DIE BRUTALLY BUT LIKE, THEMATICALLY IT'S WEIRDLY GRIM. LIKE THE WORST CHARACTERS HAVE THE DEFINING TRAIT THAT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.  PS. WELL MOTHER, TIME TO DIE