Capital Reviews

 Smile 2 [movie] THE EFFECTS ARE STUPID, THE PLOT IS STUPID, THE ENDING IS STUPID, THERE IS A BILLION MOVIES WHERE THE SPOOKY GHOST MAKES YOU SEE THINGS THEN YOU GASP AND THEY AREN'T REAL, BUT THIS MOVIE IS KINDA GOOD? LIKE IT'S WEIRDLY HARD TO THINK OF MANY MOVIES THAT HAVE THE HALLUCINATIONS MOSTLY HAPPENING IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS SO IT'S LESS LIKE A REGULAR HORROR AND MORE LIKE "PERSON COMING DOWN WITH ACTUAL SCHIZOPHRENIA, HELLO IT'S THE WEATHER" SIMULATOR.  PS. DID A BOTTLE OF WATER WRITE THIS? I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MOVIE WITH SUCH BIZARRE PRODUCT PLACEMENT. IT DROVE ME NUTS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. LIKE THEM JUST BEING EVERYWHERE SEEMED WEIRD, BUT AT LEAST IN THE REALM OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING OF MARKETING. BUT THE AMOUNT IT ACTUALLY FACTORED INTO THE PLOT AND PEOPLE TALKED AND INTERACTED WITH IT WAS JUST INSAINE. IT DIDN'T EVEN SEEM LIKE A COMMERCIAL HALF THE TIME, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE VOSS WATER WAS A MAIN CHARACTER AND THEY HAD TO KEEP BRINGING UP WHERE HE WAS

 Stop Motion [movie] OH, I LIKED THIS MOVIE A LOT. HORROR MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN MAKING A HORRIBLE STOP MOTION ANIMATION. I FEEL LIKE ANYONE WHO HAS EVER SEEN ANY MOVIE BEFORE WILL INSTANTLY KNOW THE LITTLE GIRL IS SOME CREEPSTER OF SOME SORT BUT I REALLY LIKE THE EARLY PARTS WHERE YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE SHE'S JUST KINDA LIKE THAT. LIKE IT IS THE KIND OF FUCKED UP STORY A WEIRD LITTLE KID WOULD WRITE.  PS. OH GOD, THIS ISN'T A VERY GORY OR GRAPHIC MOVIE OVERALL BUT THERE WAS ONE PART THAT WAS SO GROSS I HAD TO *LEAVE THE ROOM* WHEN IT HAPPENED. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I WAS WATCHING IT ALONE ON MY OWN TV! STREAMED! IT JUST WAS TELEGRAPHING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT AND I JUST WENT 'NOPE, GOTTA GET AWAY FROM THIS!" 

 Violett [movie] I DON'T KNOW. THE MOVIE IS EXTREMELY VISUALLY STRIKING SO IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S GOOD, BUT KINDA JUST ISN'T? LIKE A LOT OF SCENES LOOK REALLY COOL AND GOOD, BUT I THINK A LOT OF THE HEIGHTENED REALITY COMES OFF AS CARTOONISH AND GOOFY.  PS. I DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE EVERYONE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE IS A CHRONICALLY ILL MIDDLE AGED GOTH SO NO NEED TO WATCH MOVIES TO SEE THEM

 Joker: Folie à Deux [movie] I THINK I LIKE THIS MOVIE QUITE A BIT. IT'S SUCH A STRANGE MOVIE. IT REALLY IS INSANE THIS MOVIE WAS MADE OR CAME OUT. EVERYONE HATES IT BUT I THINK IT'S KINDA GOOD. NOT EVEN SO BAD IT'S GOOD. JUST, THEY NEED TO MAKE MOVIES LIKE THIS SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES JOKER 2 NEEDS TO BE A WEIRD LADY GAGA MUSICAL FOR SOME REASON. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING ABOUT THAT, IT'S SO HARD TO EVEN TELL WHAT MESSAGE THIS WAS EVEN GOING FOR, IS IT A MOVIE FROM THE UNIVERSE WHERE JOKER ONE WAS MAKING INCELS KILL PEOPLE, LIKE THE NEWS SAID? IS IT SOME VERY WEIRD AND CONVOLUTED TRUMP THING? IT'S SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE MESSAGE WAS GOING FOR. IS THE WHOLE THING A SHAGGY DOG STORY AND THE GUY AT THE END IS HEATH LEDGER? I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE THAT MIGHT BE IT.  PS. IT'S A DANCER IN THE DARK REMAKE. 

 Poe's Children [play] THIS ISN'T SO BAD OR ANYTHING, IT'S BASICALLY JUST A COUPLE READINGS OF A COUPLE POE POEMS. MAYBE WATCHING IT REMOTELY WHILE DOING SOMETHING ELSE AND PAYING LESS THAN HALF PRICE IS MAYBE THE RIGHT WAY TO WATCH IT THOUGH. PS. I THINK I DON'T REALLY GET THE PREMISE. POE HAD NO CHILDREN IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS "WHAT IF POE'S CHILDREN WERE AT HIS FUNERAL AND SEEMED TO RESENT HIM" BUT NONE OF THEM GET ANY REAL DIALOG AND JUST SAY RANDOM POEMS SO LIKE.... WHAT IF? IT FEELS LIKE IT IS RAISING A QUESTION THAT IT DOES NOT TRY TO ANSWER AND DOES NOT SEEM TO MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY AS AN INTERESTING QUESTION. 

 Parkour Civilization [movie?] THIS IS A MINECRAFT SERIES/FAN MOVIE BASED ON A CIVILIZATION WHERE PARKOUR JUMPS ARE MONEY, OR... SOMETHING. ACTUALLY, HONESTLY, THIS IS CLEARLY STUPID AND BAD AND FOR MINECRAFT KIDS BUT IT'S WEIRD HOW COHERENTLY THIS IS WRITTEN. LIKE, IT HAD FORESHADOWING, IT HAD PLOT ELEMENTS THAT CAME BACK, IT HAD REASONABLE LOGIC ON THINGS. LIKE, IT WASN'T GOOD, BUT IT WAS SURPRISING HOW REASONABLE THIS AS BAD YA FICTION. PS. NO ONE JUMPS FOR THE BEEF ORIGIN

 Hotel Inferno 2 [movie] I CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY I LIKED THE FIRST ONE BUT DIDN'T REALLY LIKE THIS ONE. THIS LEANED SO HARD INTO BEING A VIDEOGAME. HE HAD HEALTH POTIONS, GRENADES, GOT ALL HIS ITEMS FROM A WITCH AT A SHOP. EVERY ENEMY TYPE HAD SPECIFIC MECHANICS. HE HAD TO COLLECT FOUR ELEMENTS. BUT I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST WAS MORE BORING.  PS. IT HAD THE AESTHETICS OF THE GAME 'CHILLER' ON THE NES. 

 Persona 5: Strikers [game] IT IS SHOCKING HOW MUCH THIS IS AN ACTUAL GAME. MOSOU GAMES ARE GENERALLY THE LOWEST QUALITY TRASH FAN SERVICE NOTHING GAMES, BUT THIS IS LIKE, LEGITIMATE PERSONA SEQUEL. LIKE, THIS PROBABLY HAD AS MUCH ANIMATED CUT SCENE AS THE WHOLE ORIGINAL GAME AND HOURS OF DIALOG. STORY WISE TOO IT'S A WAY BETTER FOLLOWUP THAT ROYAL WAS. LIKE, P5 HAD ALL THE BAD GUYS BE CARTOON VILLIANS AND THIS IS STILL FAIRLY BLACK AND WHITE ABOUT IT, BUT MADE EVERY MONARCH A 'GOOD PERSON' AND DID AN INTERESTING TAKE ON THAT.  PS. IT'S WEIRD THEY NEVER MENTION AIGIS IN THE PLOT BUT ALSO I AM GLAD THEY DIDN'T

 Hotel Inferno [movie] I THINK THIS VERY STUPID MOVIE IS... KINDA GOOD? LIKE EVERY PART OF IT IS TERRIBLE AND IT KINDA WORKS? LIKE, FROM THE TRANSLATION BEING RESIDENT EVIL QUALITY AND THE ACTORS CLEARLY NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH, TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BEING SO BAD THEY ARE KINDA UNCANNY LOOKING, TO THE WEIRD ULTRA VIDEOGAME MECHANICY STORY TELLING LIKE A MAP TELLING WHERE AMMO IS TO THE KINDA COOL TAKE ON HOW DEMONS WORK. IT'S LIKE A WEIRD SILENT HILL MOVIE.  PS. I LIKE THAT THE MOVIE GIMMICK IS BEING FIRST PERSON AND IT STARTS OUT WITH HIM HAVING CYBER GLASSES THAT JUSTIFY THAT BUT THEY DROP THAT INSTANTLY. 

 All Hallow's Eve [play] THIS WAS A PLAY THAT WAS A REMAKE OF 'HALLOWEEN' BUT LIKE, WHAT IF SHAKESPEARE WROTE IT. IT'S A CHARMING IDEA AND THEY DID A GOOD JOB WITH IT. SOME OF THE "THEY ARE JUST SAYING STUFF" DIALOG MADE IT IN AND THAT WAS FUN. I DIDN'T LIKE WHEN THEY USED ACTUAL SHAKESPEARE LINES, IF HE WROTE IT HE WOULDN'T QUOTE HIMSELF!  PS. I WATCHED A LIVE STREAM OF IT AND THE AUDIO WAS SUPER QUIET BUT THE SOUND EFFECTS WERE PUT RIGHT INTO THE STREAM SO I HAD TO TURN IT WAY UP THEN EVERY TIME THE HALLOWEEN SOUND WOULD PLAY IT'D BLAST OUT THE SPEAKERS. 

 Halloween [movie] I THINK I'VE WATCHED ALL THE HALLOWEEN MOVIES, BUT MOSTLY NOT IN THE SPAN OF THE EXISTENCE OF CAPITAL REVIEWS AND THEY MOSTLY BLEND TOGETHER AS BEING "JASON MOVIES BUT WORSE" BUT LIKE A LOT OF THESE HORROR SERIES THE FIRST ONE IS GOOD.  I THINK THIS DOING A LOT OF BROAD DAYLIGHT NON-SUPERNATURAL STALKING BEFORE THE CLIMAX IS A THING A LOT OF THESE MOVIES DON'T HAVE.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THE BEST PART OF THIS IS HOW MUCH "JUST SAYING STUFF" BASED DIALOG THERE IS.  IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY LIKE A COMEDY MOVIE, THERE IS JUST A LOT OF SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING AND SOMEONE SAYING SOME LITTLE STUPID COMMENT ON IT THAT IS VERY CHARMING. 

 Terrifier 2 [movie] EH? I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE SAME REACTION AS THE FIRST ONE. I WANT TO LIKE IT BUT I JUST DON'T. IT'S LIKE, A MOVIE THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT EMOTION IT'S TRYING TO RAISE. LIKE IT'S DOING A GREAT JOB MAKING A 1980S STYLE MASCOT MONSTER BUT A LOT OF THE KILLS ARE TOO BRUTAL TO BE JUST CAMPY 1980S "LOOK AT THIS CAMPY GORE" TYPE STUFF, AND LIKE, IF IT *WAS* THAT IT'D BE A GOOD CONCEPT FOR A MOVIE, A SILLY HORROR MONSTER THAT IS THE LIKE "HOLY CRAP NO, THIS IS ACTUALLY SCARY" BUT IT'S NOT THAT EITHER. LIKE IT HAS AN EXTREMELY LONG SCENE OF JUST SCOURING A KID WITH A WHIP AND IT'S NOT REALLY SCARY PARTICULARLY, JUST BRUTAL. BUT IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE, HOSTEL STYLE TORTURE PORN WHERE THE POINT IS JUST LOOKING AT SUFFERING. IT'S JUST KINDA NOTHING. LIKE I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE LIKE THIS MOVIE AND THAT SEEMS FINE BUT IT'S JUST SO MEH. PS. ALSO THE MOVIE SHOULD BE LIKE 80 MINUTES LONG, NOT 2 HOURS. 

 Wild Robot [movie] IT'S FUNNY THAT PIXAR USED TO BE THE GOOD ONE AND DREAMWORKS WAS THE BAD ONE. MY NEPHEW WAS AFRAID TO EVEN WATCH THIS HE WAS SO SURE IT WOULD BE SAD AND IT WAS PRETTY SAD. I ALSO LIKE HOW THEY DID THE CARTOON JOKE OF SOMEONE GETTING HURT THEN OFF SCREEN BEING LIKE "I'M OKAY" SO YOU KNOW IT WASN'T REAL, BUT THIS MOVIE IS LIKE 60/40 SHOWING SOMETHING IS OKAY AFTER OR BEING LIKE "NO, IT'S DEAD". LIKE THERE WAS PLOT RELEVANT DEATH BUT THEN JUST A BIRD GETTIMG RIPPED IN HALF AS A GAG. PS. QUICK SOMEONE MAKE AN EDIT BETWEEN THIS MOVIE AND ASUKA FIGHTING THE PRODUCTION MODELS AND SAYING SHE HAS 12,000 LAYERS OF ARMOR AND HER MOTHER'S LOVE BUT SHE'S A GOOSE

 The Substance [movie] THIS IS THE MOST 'OUTER LIMITS' ASS MOVIE EVER MADE.  EVERYTHING FROM THE TECHNOLOGY THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT HAS A LOT OF RULES TO THE TYPE OF SOCIAL COMMENTARY. I DON'T KNOW, OUTER LIMITS IS KINDA OKAY THOUGH SO THIS WAS GOOD. THE BODY HORROR WAS BAD ENOUGH I HAD TO LOOK AWAY AT PARTS (MOSTLY JUST THE REGULAR SHOTS) BUT AS IT GOT MORE EXTREME IT DID GET WAY TOO SILLY. I GET THE ENDING PART WAS MEANT TO BE WAY OVER THE TOP BUT IT GOT WAY TOO WACKY. THE OLD LADY MAKEUP SHOULD HAVE BEEN LESS WACKY AND MONSTROELIZESUE WAS JUST THE TOXIC AVENGER.  PS. I WANTED TO WATCH THIS MOVIE THEN DIDN'T THEN SOMEONE SAID I SHOULD WATCH THIS MOVIE AND IT WASN'T PLAYING ANYMORE SO I DROVE TO THOMPSON MAINE WHICH IS SO OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE THEY FORGOT TO NOTICE THIS ISN'T PLAYING ANYMORE. 

 The Wishing Pool and Other Stories [book, audiobook] THIS IS A BOOK OF SHORT STORIES BY ONE AUTHOR. IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE I WAS PRETTY MEH ON IT EARLY ON. A LOT OF THE STORIES WERE HIT OR MISS WITH A COUPLE GOOD ONES AND A BUNCH OF MEH ONES, THEN LIKE HALF WAY THROUGH THEY STARTED ALL BEING PRETTY GOOD AND I LIKED THE LATER ONES. I REALLY LEGITIMATELY CAN NOT TELL IF THE LATER STORIES GOT BETTER, OR MORE MY TASTE, OR JUST IT REQUIRED GOING THROUGH ENOUGH OF THEM BEFORE THE STYLE CLICKED OR SOMETHING.  PS. THE LAST FOUR WERE INTERESTING BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE,  A SERIES OF STORIES THAT HAD ALMOST THE SAME SETTING BUT SEEMED UNCONNECTED, LIKE FOUR SEPARATE TAKES ON A CONCEPT INSTEAD OF FOUR STORIES SET IN A CONNECTED WORLD. 

 Cipher the Video [anime, movie] HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THIS BEFORE TODAY? IT'S AN 1989 ANIME THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE, THE EXPERIENCE OF WATCHING AMERICAN TV.  SO IT'S ALL WRITTEN AND ACTED IN ENGLISH AND IS ALL LIKE, THE MOST AMERICAN STUFF POSSIBLE.  PS. I ACTUALLY YELLED IN REAL LIFE WHEN THE "MAKING OF" EXPLAINED THE 'TWIST' OF WHO SHIVA AND CIPHER ARE. I NOTICED THE THING AND WAS GOING TO COMMENT ON IT IN THIS REVIEW BUT NEVER IN ONE BILLION YEARS WOULD HAVE MADE THE CONNECTION (IT'S WEIRD TO BE VAGUE HERE, NO ONE WILL WATCH THIS AND BE SPOILED. BUT IT FEELS LIKE A CRIME TO JUST SAY A SEMI UNINTENTIONAL TWIST SO GOOD IT MADE ME UNIRONICALLY YELL "WHAT!? NOOOOOOO" IN ACTUAL LIFE. 

 Inside Out 2 [movie] I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST ONE HIRED ONE BILLION PSYCHOLOGISTS THEN CAME UP WITH AN ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY PROFOUND TAKE ON DEPRESSION AND THEN THIS MOVIE WANTED TO DO THAT ON ANXIETY AND YOU CAN TELL THEY HAD SOME PIECE OF PAPER WHERE THEY ACHIEVED THAT AND ALL THE ELEMENTS ARE THERE FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN WAS IN THIS MOVIE AND THEY JUST REALLY WATERED IT DOWN TO BASICALLY NOTHING. LIKE THE MOVIE IS FINE, BUT YOU CAN SO EASILY SEE THE SETUP FOR A BUNCH OF ELEMENTS TO GO FOR SOMETHING MORE. LIKE SHE HAD A PANIC ATTACK AND THAT IS FINE, BUT LIKE, YOU CAN TELL AT SOME POINT THEY WROTE MORE OF A MOVIE WHERE ANXIETY HAS CORRUPTED HER ENTIRE SELF IMAGE AND SHE'S PANICING AND THEN EVERY BAD MEMORY SHE'S EVER HAD FLOODS IN AND THEN SHE GETS A NEW SELF IMAGE BY ACCEPTING EVERY MEMORY AS PART OF HER OR WHATEVER BUT THEY KINDA JUST GLOSSED OVER THE MIDDLE PART AND DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY.  PS. LANCE NEEDS TO BE IN KINGDOM HEARTS