Capital Reviews

 Granny’s Dancing on the Table [movie] THIS IS AN EXTREMELY BLEAK SWEDISH MOVIE ABOUT A GIRL GROWING UP IN AN EXTREMELY ABUSIVE HOME WHERE THEY LIVE IN THE WOODS AND AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEE ANYONE. IT'S GOT THE GIMMICK WHERE ANY FLASHBACK OR MEMORY OR SIMILAR IS ANIMATED WITH CLAYMATION/FELT DOLLS. IT'S VERY WELL DONE, BUT A VERY SAD MOVIE. PS. IT'S NOT A FUNNY SCENE, IT REALLY REALLY ISN'T, BUT I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT THE FACE WASHING PART. PRODUCTION WISE I THINK LIKE HALF THE MOVIE IS HER GETTING HIT AND HURT AND INJURED SO THEY HIT THE PROBLEM THAT IF HER FACE IS ALREADY AS BEAT UP AS THEY CAN MAKE IT THEN THEY CAN'T KEEP HAVING SCENES SHE GETS HURT MORE. SO THERE IS THIS SCENE MIDWAY WHERE HER DAD IS HOLDING HER DOWN AND STARTS WASHING HER VIOLENTLY WITH A POTATO PEELING BRUSH. AND IT'S LIKE, RIGHT AFTER A SCENE SHE STARTS PUBERTY SO IT'S LIKE THIS REAL SINKING FEELING THIS IS WHERE THE MOVIE GOES EVEN DARKER, BUT NOPE, SCENE JUST CUTS TO THE NEXT DAY A...

 Pet Shop [movie] MEH, I WAS TRYING TO FIND A FOLLOWUP TO RARE BLUE APE BY WATCHING ANOTHER TERRIBLE PUPPET MOVIE BUT MEH. THIS IS NOTHING. MEH.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE PUPPET LOOKS LIKE A FURBY AND IS NAMED FURBOO AND LIKE, THE CREATOR OF THIS MOVIE SAID FURBY RIPPED IT OFF AND THIS IS A NOTHING GARBAGE MOVIE SO THAT SOUNDS LIKE A STUPID CLAIM BUT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW MAN. THIS PREDATES FURBY BY 4 YEARS AND LOOKS A *LOT* LIKE A WEIRD FURBY AND FURBOO IS A REAL REAL FURBY TYPE NAME. I AM ACTUALLY NOW ALL IN ON THE CONSPERICY THEORY FURBY STOLE IT'S DESIGN FROM THIS MOVIE ABOUT ALIEN COWBOYS KIDNAPPING SOME BROOKLYN KID THAT HAS TO LIVE IN ARIZONA. 

 The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle [movie] HELP, I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE WATCHING THIS. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE SOONER???? THIS IS JUST LIKE, AMAZING TERRIBLE MOVIE. I LOVE THIS. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND AT THE LACK OF SOCIAL COMMENTARY. LIKE IT'S SO SET UP FOR INSANE LEVELS OF MESSAGES ABOUT THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND JUST KINDA COASTS RIGHT BY. GOD HAVE MERCY ON MANKIND / QUACK QUACK HAS GIVEN UP HIS LIFE FOR US.  PS. THIS ABSOLUTELY NEEDS TO BE A MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER. IT IS THE MOST "SOMEONE SAYS THE MOST INSANE LINE POSSIBLE THEN THE CAMERA JUST LINGERS FOR LIKE 30 SECONDS ON THE ACTOR" MOVIE IMAGINABLE 

 Lilac Ball [movie] THE FUNDIMENTAL ISSUE WITH THIS MOVIE IS THAT IT'S KINDA GOOD. SO I DON'T LIKE IT. LIKE, IT'S A 1988 SOVIET SCIFI KIDS MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF SUPER ELABORATE COSUMES AND SETS AND STILLS OF IT MAKE IT LOOK EXTREMELY WACKY, BUT IT'S KINDA ENOUGH OF A BASIC STORY LINE IT'S NOT WACKY. WHICH MAKES IT JUST A KINDA STRAIGHTFORWARDS KIDS MOVIE AND NOT ALL THAT OVER THE TOP AND MAYBE KINDA BORING? I DON'T KNOW, I HYPED THIS MOVIE UP A TON IN MY BRAIN AND IT'S JUST OKAY. ALTHOUGH I'M LIKE 99% SURE THE HORSE EATER GUY WAS WEARING ACTUAL HUMAN BONES AS A COSTUME. PS. LIVE FROG REACTION

 The City and Its Uncertain Walls [book, audiobook] IT TOOK FOREVER TO GET THROUGH THIS, I BOUGHT THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS GOING TO MALTA ON THE JOKE PREMISE EVERY MURAKAMI BOOK IS THE SAME AND HE WOULD SURELY GO TO A MEDITERRANEAN ISLAND (AND LISTEN TO JAZZ, AND MAKE SPAGHETTI) AND HE DID ALL THESE THINGS. TO THE POINT MALTA HAS A WALLED CITY WITH A HANDLESS CLOCK AND I LEGITIMATELY WONDER IF MY JOKE GUESS ACTUALLY WAS SPOT ON RIGHT. LIKE THAT FEELS LIKE A HYPER SPECIFIC THING TO REFERENCE.  ALSO: THIS IS SECRETLY THE FIRST BOOK HE WROTE BEFORE HE PUBLISHED ANYTHING REWRITTEN FOR RELEASE.   PS. I FEEL LIKE IT'S JUST THE COMBINATION OF JUNG AND JAPAN BUT THIS WAS FREAKISHLY PERSONA CODED ABOUT THE AUTISM KID. ALSO, WHAT THE HECK WAS THE AUTISM KID? I WAS LAUGHING ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE WHEN IT WAS "YOU KNOW, IN A WAY, I'M JUST LIKE HIM BUT LESS SO" FROM GUY WHO WRITES SPEGETTI, JAZZ, BEATLES, DREAM CAT BOOK OVER AND OVER EXACTLY THE SAME, BUT THEN WHEN IT TURNED INTO AUTI...

 The Long Walk [movie] THIS IS A SURPRISINGLY INTERESTING MOVIE. THE PREMISE MAKES IT SO THERE CAN'T BE THAT MUCH THAT ACTUALLY *HAPPENS* IN THE PLOT AND THE CONCEPT MAKES IT HAVE TO BE BASICALLY FILMED AS JUST SOME KIDS WALKING NONSTOP.  THE MOVIE HAD LIKE ONE DIAGETIC CUT AWAY AND THAT IS ABOUT IT. SO THE WHOLE MOVIE IS FILMED AS JUST LIKE A PLAY WITH VARIOUS PEOPLE HAVING VARIOUS CONVERSATIONS. NOT A LOT OF STAGE DIRECTION. IT'S ALSO FAIRLY SURPRISING THE MOVIE DIDN'T GIN UP MORE INTERPERSONAL DRAMA OR ANYTHING. IT'S REALLY GOOD IN THAT IT'S INTERESTING TO SEE A MOVIE LIKE THIS. ALSO A REALLY HARD TAKE ON POLITICAL VIOLENCE THAT IS HARD TO TAKE IN ENTIRELY.  PS. NO WINTERPORT THOUGH, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A SPECIAL CONNECTION TO THE BOOK BECAUSE AS FAR AS I KNOW IT'S THE ONLY FICTIONAL BOOK THAT EVER HAS ANY EVENT SPECIFICALLY TAKE PLACE IN WINTERPORT MAINE. ACTUALLY THE BOOK IN GENERAL HAD AN EXTREME SENSE OF PLACE, WHERE TOWN NAMES AND SPECIFICS ARE VITAL TO TH...

 100 Tears [movie] THIS IS A NOTHING SHOT ON VHS HORROR MOVIE, IT'S BORING AND NOT GOOD AND BASICALLY IS FAMOUS FOR HAVING LEGITIMATELY BETTER EFFECTS THAN THE ZERO DOLLAR BUDGET SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED AND FOR BEING NC-17 WITH NO NUDITY DUE TO THAT.  PS. I HAVE ONE WEEK TO LEARN *EVIL* CLOWN

 Tower [movie] MEH, I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THIS MOVIE. IT'S JUST KINDA FOLLOWING AN INCEL AUTISTIC LOSER KINDA JUST WALKING AROUND BEING KINDA SAD AND UNPLEASANT WHILE EVERYONE IS VERY NICE TO HIM. THERE ISN'T A LOT TO IT. THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS "AS GOOD AS SHREK 2" BUT THEY SAID THAT LIKE 5 TIMES UNTIL IT WASN'T FUNNY ANYMORE. PS. I DO LOVE THE WAY PASSAGE OF TIME HAS WARPED THE UNDERSTANDABLITY OF THIS. LIKE, HIS MOVIE WAS CLEARLY NOT GOOD, BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONCEPT OF HOW NOT GOOD IT WAS. 

 Live a Life [game] I HAVE SUCH A LONG AND COMPLICATED HISTORY AND OPINION OF THIS GAME. IT CAME OUT IN 1994 AND WAS SOMETHING I COULD EMULATE SO IT WAS THIS WEIRD UNRELEASED SQUARE GAME FROM THE AGE SQUARE GAMES WERE SOMETHING AMAZING. BUT I ALSO PLAYED IT BEFORE FAN TRANSLATIONS SO I COULD REALLY ONLY DO CAVEMAN AND WRESTLING AND NOT REALLY THE OTHERS. IT'S A WEIRD GAME JAM IN A VERY LITERAL SENSE. THEY GAVE MULTIPLE DEVELOPERS A JRPG GAME ENGINE AND MADE A BUNCH OF REALLY WEIRD ALT GAMES IN GENRES THAT WOULDN'T HAVE COME OUT IN 1994. IT'S REALLY NEAT! IT'S REALLY INTERESTING! IT'S ALSO..... NOT FUN? IT WAS NEVER FUN. I HAVE ALWAYS SORT OF BEEN VERY INTRIGUED BY THIS GAME BUT NOT REALLY ENJOYED IT AT ALL.  THE REMAKE IS ALSO VERY INTERESTING BUT ALSO NOT FUN! PS. I AM SURE NONLINEAR STORYTELLING WAS ONE OF THE BIG DARING ELEMENTS AT THE ORIGINAL RELEASE BUT IT *REALLY* SHOULD HAVE GONE MIDDLE AGES, 7 CHAPTERS, END CHAPTERS, NOT 7 CHAPTERS, MIDDLE AGES, END CHAPTER...