Capital Reviews

 The Black Phone [movie] THIS IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE THE BACKSTORY TO A HORROR VIDEOGAME. NOT EVEN LIKE THIS WOULD BE THE PLOT OF A HORROR VIDEOGAME (ALTHOUGH IT HAD SOME VERY "USE TOILET TANK ON WALL" "PUT DIRT IN PHONE" VIDEOGAME VERB NOUN LOGIC) BUT THIS FEELS LIKE THE BACKSTORY YOU'D PUT TOGETHER IN A DIFFERENT VIDEOGAME BY READING ALL THE NOTES. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE THAT AS A TYPE OF WRITING. I THINK THE WAY IT HAPPENS IN LIKE SIX DISTINCT CHUNKS AND FEELS LIKE THE GRABBER BARELY CARES ABOUT ANYTHING AND JUST LEAVES EVERY TIME. PS. THIS MOVIE IS INSANE IN HOW MUCH IT THINKS 80S KIDS BEAT EACHOTHER UP. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT HIT SOMEONE IN THE HEAD WITH A GIANT ROCK LIKE THAT. 

 Wicked [movie] I DON'T KNOW, I'VE BEEN ASKED IF I'VE SEEN THIS ONE MILLION TIMES AND WE ARE ON BACKLASH TO BACKLASH TO BACKLASH ON IF PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT OR NOT AND IT'S JUST ON AMAZON PRIME SO I DECIDED TO WATCH IT. IT'S FINE AND I LIKE IT WHEN THEY USE ALTERNATE WORDS.  PS. IT'S REALLY LONG AND I HAD TO STOP IN THE MIDDLE TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE IF AN EXTRA BLOODY THROUGH AND THROUGH WAS MAYBE MORE VOMIT DOLLS THAN SIDESHOW. 

 Spooky Town [play] I DIDN'T HATE IT. I UNDERSTOOD WHAT HAPPENED IN TERMS OF PLOT EVENTS. BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I DIDN'T' *GET* THIS. LIKE IT WAS MISSING SOME ELEMENT TO MAKE IT NOT JUST A WEIRD THING THAT HAPPENED TYPE STORY. MEH? IT WAS THE MOST PLAY LIKE PLAY I'VE SEEN FROM FRIGID. IT HAD CHARACTERS AND SETS AND SCENES AND STUFF.  PS. 37 IS OLD

 The Witching Hour [play] THIS WAS FIVE SHORT PLAYS. MY OPINIONS IN NO ORDER ARE: IT'S FUNNY THE NEIGHBOR HAD NOTHING IN ANY WAY INDICATING SHE WAS A GHOST AND THE PLAY DROPPED ANY AMBIGUOUS PREMISE INSTANTLY. THE WITCH ONE WAS PROBABLY THE BEST BUT I CAN'T TELL PEOPLE APART SO I COULDN'T FOLLOW IT. I LIKE THE JAPANESE GUY FORGOT THE PREMISE FOR LIKE 75% OF THE ACT. THE LAST ONE WAS SO BAD IT FELT LIKE AN AI MADE IT. BUT NOT EVEN LIKE, CHATGPT. LIKE A "I MADE AN AI WATCH 100 PLAYS, THIS IS WHAT IT MADE". ALSO HOOVERPHONIC, REMEMBER HOOVERPHONIC?  PS. ONE BILLION, FIVE HUNDRED MILLION, TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND AND FIFTY THREE. 

 hyperbole and a half [book, comic] THE INTERNET RAN THIS SO FAR INTO THE GROUND I THINK I REFLEXIVELY HATE SEEING IT, BUT I RANDOMLY FOUND A COPY OF THE BOOK AND READ IT AND YEAH IT'S GOOD. THE DOG PARTS ARE WHATEVER, BUT THE REST IS REALLY WELL DONE AND WAY MORE SERIOUS THAN I THOUGH OF THIS AS BEING.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THE COMIC WAS ALWAYS VERY ADHD EXAMPLE BUT MAN IS THAT LADY AUTISTIC AS HECK

 FruitHead [movie] IT'S A 9 MINUTE HORROR MOVIE MADE BY GUSHERS FRUIT SNACKS. I HATE FALLING FOR MARKETING THINGS, AND IT'S NOT LIKE THIS WAS *SO* AMAZING, BUT LIKE, THEY MADE THIS ACTUALLY HIGH QUALITY ENOUGH THAT IT IS ACTUALLY AMAZING. LIKE THE CONCEPT THEY MADE THIS AND ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT INTO IT IS REALLY REALLY REALLY FUNNY.  PS. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I GET WHY HE WAS A STRAWBERRY AND NOT AN ORANGE? 

 Popeye's Revenge [movie] THESE PUBLIC DOMAIN CASH IN MOVIES ARE NEVER GOOD. I WOULD NEVER EXPECT THEM TO BE GOOD. BUT I DON'T GET WHY THEY ALL FEEL SO RUSHED. THEY KNOW WHEN THEY CAN RELEASE THEM LITERALLY A CENTURY IN ADVANCE. ALL SORTS OF OTHER BAD JUNK HORROR COMES OUT AND IS BAD AND JUNK BUT NEVER HAS THE "WE MADE THIS 5 MINUTES BEFORE IT WAS DUE" FEELING THESE HAVE.  PS. WHY WAS THIS MOVIE SO OBSESSED WITH TRACTORS AND MOWING? I ASSUME IT WAS JUST A THING THEY HAD ON THE LAND THEY RENTED, BUT NOTHING ABOUT POPEYE IS IS TRACTOR RELATED. 

 Tron: Aries [movie] MAN, THIS MOVIE MADE ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE LIKE, IT WASN'T GOOD AND I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE GOOD. BUT THE MUSIC WAS LIKE EVIL SYNTH ELECTRONIC MUSIC, AND LIKE SEVERAL TIMES IN THE MOVIE THEY ACTUALLY PUT THE MUSIC OVER A FIGHT SCENE AND IT'S THE COOLEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN, BUT LIKE, LITERALLY NEVER FOR MORE THAN A FEW SECONDS. IT FELT LIKE THE MOVIE HAD A CONTRACT THEY WEREN'T ALLOWED TO CHOREOGRAPH IT RIGHT AND KEPT PULLING AWAY EVERY SINGLE TIME. ALSO I LOOKED IT UP, AND THE MUSIC WAS WRITTEN BY TRENT REZNOR???? WHAT THE HECK. PS. THIS MOVIE SUCKED BECAUSE JARED LETO SUCKS. HE'S LIKE A BAD MAN, BUT HE'S A BAD ACTOR AND IT MADE THE STUPID SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG PLOT NOT WORK AT ALL. 

  Kung Fu Wonder Child [movie] A MAJOR ISSUE WITH SO BAD IT'S GOOD MOVIES IS A LOT OF THEM ARE A FEW WACKY PARTS WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF BORING PADDING. THIS ONE IS LIKE, THE MOST MAXIMALIST MOVIE IMAGINABLE, LIKE 30 THINGS HAPPEN EVERY 4 SECONDS. IT ACTUALLY GETS EXHAUSTING HOW MUCH NONSENSE IS HAPPENING PER SECOND BUT IT ALSO RULES. LIKE WHOLE PLOTLINES JUST GO BY IN SINGLE SCENES. I LOVE HOW MUCH STUFF IS ALREADY HAPPENING THE SECOND THE MOVIE STARTS.  PS. I HAVE SO MANY LEVELS OF GENDER CONFUSION ABOUT THIS MOVIE. THE KID IS A GIRL PLAYING A BOY, RIGHT? OR IS IT JUST A FEMININE LOOKING BOY? AND LIKE, THAT'S NOT DIAGETIC, RIGHT? IT'S UNRELATED THAT HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN THE NINJA SCHOOL? I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TELL AT ALL

Prehysteria [movie] I REMEMBER SEEING TRAILERS FOR THIS MOVIE AND KNEW IT EXISTED, SO IT'S SHOCKING I NEVER WATCHED IT. IT'S A MOVIE FROM THE 90S WHERE NEW MOON STUDIOES SAID 'WE SHOULD MAKE KIDS MOVIES" AND IT'S THE MOST NEW MOON MOVIE POSSIBLE, BY WHICH I MEAN "LAUGHABLY BAD EFFECTS IN 2025 THAT WERE LEGITIMATELY TOP OF THE LINE IN THE EARLY 90S WHERE THEY TRAILER SHOWS EVERY SINGLE EFFECT SHOT THAT EXISTS IN THE ENTIRE RUNTIME OF THE MOVIE". IT WAS OVERALL VERY GENERIC. LIKE THE DAD WAS ALMOST AS MUCH OF A BAD PERSON AS THE BADGUY AND JUST KINDA HELD SOMEONE AT GUNPOINT TO RESOLVE AN ISSUE, BUT ITS NOT REALLY NOTABLE FUNNY BAD.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE DOG BEING IN HEAT SEEMED LIKE IT DROVE EVERY SINGLE PLOT POINT, WHY WAS THIS MOVIE SO OBSESSED WITH THE DOG BEING IN HEAT???

 Good Boy [movie] THIS WASN'T THE SUPER BEST MOVIE EVER OR ANYTHING, BUT IT DID WHAT IT WAS DOING WELL, THE DOG WAS A GOOD DOG ACTOR AND I REALLY LIKE THAT EVEN PARTS THAT WEREN'T FILMING THE DOG WERE STILL DOG EYE VIEW CAMERA. I FEEL LIKE THE ACTUAL PLOT WAS EXTREMELY THIN AND WAS EXTREMELY MORE VIBE BASED THAN AN ACTUAL STORY. BUT I DON'T KNOW. DOG ACTING. ALSO THE ONLY PREVIEW BEFORE THIS MOVIE WAS A DIFFERENT DOG MOVIE STARING A DIFFERENT DOG, SO MAYBE THIS WAS A MOVIE FROM DOG UNIVERSE FOR DOGS? PS. THE MOVIE ENDS THEN IMMEDIATELY GOES INTO A MAKING OF SEGMENT. I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE TEST MARKETED THIS AND WERE LIKE 'THEY WERE TOO MEAN TO THAT DOG" AND HAD TO CUT THAT OFF INSTANTLY THE SECOND THE MOVIE ENDS SHOWING EXACTLY HOW THEY DID EVERY SCARY SHOT. ALSO, HOW THEY DID IT: THEY JUST FILMED THE DOG FOR FOUR ENTIRE YEARS IN THEIR OWN HOUSE AND THE DOG ACTUALLY ISN'T TRAINED AND CAN'T ACT AT ALL BUT THEY JUST HAD THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF FOOTAGE TO GET ANY EM...