Capital Reviews

I FEEL LIKE THE FIVE MINUTE DOLLMAKER COLD OPEN WAS A BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING AND CREEPY THAN THE WHOLE REST OF THE MOVIE COMBINED, ALSO IT HAD WEIRD AL DOING A VOICE OTHER THAN HIS WACKY STAGE VOICE AND IT MADE THE WHOLE THING EVEN MORE CREEPY. PS. BATMAN VS EYES WIDE SHUT.

GOD WHY DOES THIS EVEN EXIST? WHO WAS EVEN WONDERING ABOUT THIS? THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS IS SO BIZARRE.  I LOVE THE AMAZING THREE ART STYLE THING SO EVERY SCENE IS JUST RANDOMLY EITHER AMAZING 3D ANIMATION OF WOOD CARVINGS, WEIRD MAGIC CARD ART OR JUST LIKE REAL 80S TERRIBLE WIREFRAMES. PS. THE FIRST TIME THEY SHOWED UNDERGROUND CATS, OH GOD.

I HAVE REALLY MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS. LIKE IT TOOK THE MOST CLICHE AI MOVIE TROPES AND DID A REALLY SMART AND CLEVER TWIST ON THEM BUT AT THE SAME TIME TO DO SO REQUIRED WATCHING 105 MINUTES OF IT JUST BEING THAT SUPER CLICHE MOVIE THEN 5 MINUTES OF IT GOING "EH, SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?" THAT WAS PRETTY COOL AND I THINK MAYBE THIS SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN A YOUTUBE VIDEO 'ALTERNATE ENDING' TO 'HER' OR SOMETHING INSTEAD. PS. I FEEL LIKE THE CROWD OF PEOPLE IN THE THEATER WAS SUPER SUPER FRAT BOY. LIKE EVERYONE THERE. SOMEONE YELLED "AIN'T THAT RIGHT" WHEN IT SAID IF THERE IS ONE THING SEARCH ENGINES ARE GOOD FOR IT'S KNOWING WHAT PORN YOU LIKE. ALICIA VIKANDER IS SUPER NAKED IN THIS MOVIE SO LIKE, DID PEOPLE COME TO THIS MOVIE JUST TO SEE HER PUBIC HAIR A LOT?

WATCHING THESE IN EXACT REVERSE ORDER IS GREAT, I LOVE THAT THE MESSAGE OF THIS ONE IS THAT HE QUITS TOO FAST AND TOO EASY THEN IN THE SECOND ONE HE HAS QUIT AND GONE AND DONE SOMETHING ELSE. PS. TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST THE BAD GUY'S PLAN WAS ILLEGAL BUT FAIRLY UNDERSTANDABLE. THE MUSEUM WAS LITERALLY SENTENCING THEM TO DEATH BY FIRING THEM. LIKE THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE JERKS OR STEAL MONEY AS WELL BUT THEY WERE LITERALLY KEPT ALIVE BY THE JOB.

WAIT, HE IS A MILLIONARE INFOMERCIAL GUY NOW? NONE OF THAT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE THIRD MOVIE. ALSO HE SEEMS ALL HYPERCOMPETENT AND I FEEL LIKE I MISSED SOMETHING? ALSO I LIKE THAT OCTAVIUS' CRUSH WASN'T A RUNNING JOKE AND APPARENTLY ONLY STARTED IN THE THIRD MOVIE? PS. EARHART TALKED SUPER CUTE.

ROBIN WILLIAMS GETS A DEGENERATIVE DISEASE BUT THEN VOLUNTARILY DECIDED TO ACCEPT DEATH: THE MOVIE. PS. THE BRITISH STATUE ROOM WAS LEGITIMATELY SILENT HILL SCARY.

I ALMOST SKIPPED WATCHING THIS TO NOT RUIN MY GHOST TRICK BUT WELP. THE WEIRD THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS THAT IT SET IT UP LIKE THERE WAS GOING TO BE A TWIST. LIKE THE BAD GUY WAS A GOOD AGENT THAT THE GOVERNMENT BETRAYED THAT WAS FIGHTING TO AVENGE HIS MURDERED BROTHER, AND THE 'GOOD GUY' WAS A FOREIGN BEER DRINKING G-MAN THAT WAS TRYING TO GET THE HEROES TO STEAL TECHNOLOGY TO COMPLETE SOME POLICE STATE SOFTWARE. AND IT FELT SO CLEAR IT WAS GONNA BE A REVERSAL AT THE END WHERE THEY TEAM UP WITH THE BAD GUY AND WIN AGAINST THE CORRUPT OFFICALS. BUT NOPE, POLICE STATE HARD DRIVE WENT TO THE GOVERNMENT, BAD GUY GOT KICKED INTO A SINKHOLE.  I HAVE TO ADMIT THE WHOLE END SEQUENCE WITH THE ROCK WAS JUST AMAZING. IT MADE NO SENSE BUT HIM JUST SEEING AN EXPLOSION IN THE DISTANCE AND SAYING 'DADDY HAS TO GO TO WORK' AND BUSTING OUT OF HIS CASTS WITH MUSCLE FLEXING THEN STEALING A AMBULANCE TO KNOCK OUT A DRONE WHICH HE STEALS A CHAINGUN OFF OF, JESUS CHRIST.   PS. PAUL WALKE...