Capital Reviews

THIS ISN'T *AS* BAD AS THE TRAILERS MADE IT LOOK. IT WAS FINE. BUT I THINK I'M SO SICK OF STAR WARS. IT'S LIKE, EVERY SINGLE OBJECT AND LINE YOU COULD POSSIBLY REMEMBER FROM THE ORIGINAL SECRETLY HAD A BACK STORY AND ALSO EVERY SINGLE THING THAT YOU KNEW ABOUT HANS SOLO ACTUALLY JUST HAPPENED IN LIKE 3 DAYS AND ALSO THE STAR WARS GALAXY IS LIKE 5 PEOPLE SO EVERYONE YOU REMEMBER RAN INTO EVERYONE ELSE YOU REMEMBER NONSTOP. PS. A MAIN ANTAGONIST'S OFFICE HAD A BUNCH OF ARTIFACTS IN THE BACKGROUND AND I AM 100% SURE THAT SOME SUPER FAN IS WRITING A BLOG POST ABOUT THE ORIGIN OF EVERY SINGLE ONE, BUT BOY DID THEY PUT A CRYSTAL SKULL DEAD CENTER OF NEARLY EVERY SHOT IN THAT ROOM TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT THAT THERE WAS A CRYSTAL SKULL IN THAT ROOM.

OH MAN, SO THIS WAS LIKE A SERIES OF LIKE 6-10 MINUTE PLAYS STRUCTURED BETWEEN AN ONGOING STORY ABOUT A PERSON DESCENDING THROUGH HELL WITH A TOUR GUIDE. THE PLAYS INCLUDED: - A BRATTY RICH GIRL TALKING TO HER TALL BEARDED SERVANT AND DECIDING TO SWAP IDENTITIES BY CHANGING CLOTHES WITH HIM. - A THING WHERE A GIRLFRIEND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THEIR PARTNER'S FAMILY THANKSGIVING BECAUSE THE FAMILY WERE SORT OF CONDESCENDINGLY RACIST. AND THIS WAS THE ONLY SERIOUS PLAY IN THE SET AND IT FELT WEIRDLY OUT OF PLACE. - TWO SKUNKS THAT HAD JUST FINISHED HAVING SEX ON SOMEONE'S CAR AND WERE HAVING A VERY SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATION ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP. -A GIRL WHO HAD READ PHILOSOPHY ON THE INTERNET AND WAS HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ABOUT HER EXISTENCE WHILE ANOTHER GIRL WHO WAS NAMED PLUM FOR SOME REASON JUST KEPT TALKING ABOUT HER OWN BELLY BUTTON WHILE PLAYING WITH HER BELLY BUTTON. -AN ALIEN RECOUNTING HIS EXPERIENCE ON EARTH THEN THE SETUP BEING THAT US, THE AUDIE...

I LIKE HOW STUPID ALL OF THIS IS WITH THE WEIRD STUFF LIKE FLYING AROUND THE ENTIRE PLANET AND THE WEIRD SIXTYS FUTURE TECH WHILE STILL BEING A REALLY UNSETTLING STORY. LIKE THE FACT IT MADE NOT SO MUCH SENSE SOLD THE CORE CONCEPT BETTER. PS. OKAY BUT WHY DID THE CULTIST HAVE A WEIRD MOUTH?

THIS IS A VERY GOOD MOVIE THAT WAS WELL MADE AND HAD A GOOD STORY BUT SEEMS SCIENTIFICALLY ENGINEERED TO MAKE YOU ASK "WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST ______" EVERY SINGLE SCENE. PS. APPARENTLY THIS WAS A CLOVERFIELD MOVIE AT ONE POINT AND YES IT VERY EXTREMELY WAS.

I DON'T THINK I LIKE THESE MOVIES AS MUCH AS SOME PEOPLE BUT I DO LIKE THESE MOVIES. I DO FEEL LIKE THIS WAS THE ONLY POSSIBLE MOVIE TO ACCURATELY PORTRAY CABLE. HE'S SUCH A DUMB CHARACTER AND THIS PLAYED IT SO STRAIGHT AND THAT WAS THE BEST JOKE THEY COULD HAVE MADE AT HIS EXPENSE. (ALTHOUGH ON THAT NOTE THIS MOVIE DID FEEL LIKE IT MADE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER JOKEY IN A WAY THE FIRST DIDN'T AND THAT KINDA WASN'T AS GOOD). ALSO: DOES IT SEEM LIKE THIS MOVIE WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN SO CABLE FIGURES OUT TO CHANGE TIME WITH HIS ONE BULLET HE JUST NEEDS TO SHOOT THE GUY HIMSELF? IT FELT A TON LIKE THE SCENE WAS HEADING THAT WAY. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE WAS THE FIRST TIME CABLE WAS ON SCREEN THE REDNECK COUPLE NEXT TO ME SAID "WHO'S THAT" AND THEN ANSWERED "IT'S THANOS" THEN LATER DEADPOOL CALLED HIM THANOS AND THAT IS NEXT LEVEL MARCELINE "YOU WERE THINKING HIS BOWTIE LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE BRA"

I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW GOOD THIS GAME IS.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GOOD A JOB THIS GAME DID AT MAKING STUPID THINGS AMAZING. IT FEELS LIKE A TOTAL INVERSION WHERE THE STUPIDER AND LESS MEANINGFUL A THING IS THE MORE IMPORTANT IT WAS IN THIS GAME AND THE MORE BIG AND IMPORTANT SEEMING SOMETHING IS THE LESS IT MATTERS. LIKE I LITERALLY PHYSICALLY WINCED BY SEEING A SHOP INVENTORY AND THE FINAL BATTLE IS LITERALLY AS JOKEY AND INSIGNIFICANT AS POSSIBLE BUT I STILL SAID "I'M SORRY" OUT LOUD TO THE SCREEN BECAUSE I FELT SO BAD THE HELPERS DIED. EVEN ELEMENT OF THE STORY IS BASED ON MAKING IT SO WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT WAS IMPORTANT ISN'T AND WHATEVER DIDN'T SEEM IMPORTANT IS. PS. "MY VOICE MAY NOT REACH YOU. INSTEAD. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF"

THIS WAS MOSTLY BORING WITH A FEW GOOD PARTS BUT LIKE, TREMORS MOSTLY TOOK THE HELLRAISER PHILOSOPHY OF SEQUELS WITH THE ORIGINAL BEING THE ONLY ACTUALLY GOOD ONE THEN EVERYTHING ELSE MAYBE BEING OKAY AT BEST. PRETTY MUCH ONCE SHRIEKERS AND ASSBLASTERS CAME IN THE SERIES NOTHING HAS BEEN THAT GOOD. IT'S SO OBVIOUS HOW MUCH ALL THE WEIRD SECONDARY MONSTERS RUIN THE CONCEPT OF THE STORY.   PS. SPEAKING OF WEIRD RUINED CONCEPTS FOR STORIES THE WHOLE SUB PLOT ABOUT GUMMER HAVING GRABOIDS IN HIS BLOOD WAS SUPER WEIRD AND I CAN'T SAY IT WENT NO WHERE BECAUSE IT HAD PLOT EFFECTS BUT SEEMED LIKE A SUPER POINTLESS THING TO SUDDENLY INTRODUCE LIKE A MILLION MOVIES INTO THE SERIES.