Capital Reviews

 Sweet Movie [movie] MAN, WHAT A LET DOWN. THIS IS ALWAYS ON THE LISTS OF WEIRD ARTSY MOVIES THAT I LIKE SO I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO WATCH IT FOR A WHILE, BUT IT KINDA JUST SUCKED. THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OR SO HAD A TONE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN DEATH RACE AND HOLY MOUNTAIN AND WERE SETTING IT UP LIKE I'D LOVE THIS MOVIE THEN THE PLOTS CONVERGE TO THIS GROSS OUT ORGY SCENE AND NEVER GETS BACK TO THE STORY. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT I WAS OFFENDED BY IT OR ANYTHING, BUT LIKE THERE IS A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF SOMEONE PUKING AND IT JUST GOES ON FOREVER AND NONE OF IT EVER GETS BACK TO ANYTHING INTERESTING.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS HAD PARTS THAT FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR WATCHING BUT IT'S A CRITERION COLLECTION FILM SO I GUESS IT'S FINE? I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SAID EXACT SENTENCE SEVERAL TIMES, SO I THINK MAYBE THE CRITERION COLLECTION NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL? 

Astrologaster [game] THIS GAME IS PRETTY CUTE. I MEAN, IT'S A MUSICAL AND THAT IS RARE FOR A GAME, AND THE VOICE ACTING AND WRITING IS GOOD AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT IT'S ALL BASED ON REAL PEOPLE. ALSO IT'S LIKE FOUR HOURS LONG AND THAT IS A GOOD LENGTH. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND .... DID... THEY TAKE OUT THE GAME MECHANICS? WAS IT JUST NOT FUN TO DO WHATEVER ASTROLOGY MINIGAME THEY THOUGHT UP? SO THEY TOOK IT OUT? IT FEELS SO CLEARLY LIKE THERE WAS MEANT TO BE SOME GAMEPLAY THERE. IT JUST FEELS LIKE YOU ARE PICKING DIALOG OPTIONS BUT WITH A WEIRD MENU. LIKE THERE IS A FEW THAT YOU NEED BASIC HISTORICAL OR MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE TO ANSWER BUT LIKE 90% OF THEM THE DESCRIPTION JUST TELLS YOU WHAT TO PICK

 I Care a Lot [movie] I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A WELL MADE MOVIE THAT WAS GOOD THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT HAVE THE STOMACH TO WATCH RIGHT NOW. EVERYONE IS JUST SO AWFUL IT STRESSED ME OUT TERRIBLY. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THOSE STORIES WHERE YOU DON'T LIKE ANYONE BUT MAN, I DIDN'T LIKE ANYONE.  PS. ACCURATE MOVIE ABOUT THE LIFE OF JENNY PETERS(ON)

 Cat-Women of the Moon [movie] THIS IS JUST SUCH AN EXTREMELY 1950S MOVIE. IT GOT PRETTY BORING BUT THEM LAYING ON COUCHES GRIMACING WAS EXTREMELY FUNNY ACTING. ALSO THE VERY ZOIDBERG CONCEPT THAT THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON WOULD BE SO POOR HE'D BE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SCAM UP LITTLE BITS OF MONEY SELLING MOTOR OIL IS FUNNY.  PS. THIS MOVIE CONTAINS NO CAT WOMEN. ZERO STARS. 

 The Map of Tiny Perfect Things [movie] THIS WASN'T THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE OR ANYTHING BUT I'M SUPRISED HOW MUCH I ENJOYED THIS MOVIE. IT WAS JUST GENERALLY CUTE. I KINDA FEEL LIKE THE 'ALL THE PERFECT THINGS' AND THE NOT WANTING TO MOVE ON MESSAGES FELT TOTALLY OUT OF SYNC LIKE SOMEONE WROTE THEM SEPARATELY. BUT IT'S FINE.  PS. I THINK I LIKE THAT THEY BOTH DO COUPLES THINGS IN GROUND HOG DAY GENIUS MODE WHICH MEANS THEY PRACTICED FOR YEARS TOGETHER, BUT ALSO DO GROUND HOG DAY TYPE STUFF FOR EACHOTHER THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE STARTED AFTER THEY MET,  LIKE DID THEY DATE FOR LIKE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND JUST HAD "NAH, SEE YOU IN 400 YEARS" SEPARATE FROM THE FIGHT WHERE HE HAD TIME TO SET UP A WHOLE PREPLANNED BOTTLE TOSS TO UNLOCK A DOOR FOR HER? 

 Spiritfairer [game] THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S A GAME ABOUT DEATH AND YOU ARE DOING A BUNCH OF WEIRD BOAT FARMING STARDEW STUFF WHILE BRINGING SPIRITS TO THE NEXT LIFE AND IT'S NEAT BECAUSE THERE IS A WAY EVERYONE WOULD WRITE A STORY LIKE THIS AND IT JUST DOESN'T DO THAT. LIKE IT'D BE SO EASY FOR EACH SPIRIT TO HAVE A PROBLEM, THEN YOU WORK THROUGH IT AND THEN THEY MOVE ON, BUT THERE IS VERY FEW YOU ACTUALLY 'HELP', A BUNCH OF THE DEATHS ARE FAIRLY SUDDEN OR MEANINGLESS, A LOT OF THE CHARACTERS DON'T REALLY CHANGE OR LEARN ANYTHING. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WEAKNESS IN STORY TELLING BUT IT'S NOT. MOSTLY THE QUESTS HAVE YOU LEARN AND UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS WITHOUT FIXING THEM OR MAKING DEATH SEEM LIKE IT WAS ALWAYS SOME CULMINATION TO A STORY ARC. IT'S REALLY WELL DONE.  PS. AT ANY TIME IN THE ENTIRE GAME THERE IS A BUTTON YOU CAN PRESS TO HUG A CAT. 

 Ben & Arthur [movie] YEAH, THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. I WON'T SAY IT'S QUITE UP TO THE ROOM OR ANYTHING BREEN BUT GOD, IT'S CLOSE. IT'S GOT HUGE BAD MOVIE ENERGY. IT'S JUST WONDERFUL. I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY REASON IT DIDN'T GET MORE TRACTION IN THE BAD MOVIE SPHERE IS THAT IT'S A PRO MARRIAGE EQUALITY MOVIE FROM LIKE 2002 SO YOU KINDA FEEL BAD FOR THE DIRECTOR BECAUSE IT REALLY WASN'T FAIR. BUT THIS MOVIE IS JUST UNRELENTLY CRAZY, ESPECIALLY AS IT GOES TOTALLY OFF THE RAILS AT THE END.  PS. I CAN NOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LAUGHED AT THE CHURCH OR AT THE PART HE MAKES A PHONE NOISE WITH HIS MOUTH BEFORE THEY DUBBED IN THE PHONE NOISE OR WHEN BEN PUNCHED HIM, OR THE ANTIGAY POTION, OR EVERYTHING BEING IN AGRESSIVELY INCORRECT BOTTLES. I SAY I LAUGH AT THINGS ONLINE AND I MEAN I SNORTED A LITTLE AIR OR SOMETHING, IN THIS I REALLY WAS ABSOLUTELY CRACKING UP. JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE.