Capital Reviews

 Night of the Zoopocalypse [movie] THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING, IT'S A B- 3D ANIMATED KIDS MOVIE.   *HOWEVER* THE ORIGIN OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT CLIVE BARKER WROTE AN ADULT GRAPHIC NOVEL ABOUT PEOPLE STUCK IN A ZOO THE NIGHT OF A ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE AND THE ANIMALS SLOWLY TURNING INTO MONSTERS. THEN BEFORE THAT WAS PUBLISHED THE RIGHTS TO IT GOT BOUGHT FOR A FILM. THEN CAME OUT TEN YEARS LATER AS A KIDS FILM. WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY. A CLIVE BARKER KIDS MOVIE. I MEAN, THE MOVIE ITSELF ISN'T REALLY ANYTHING SPECIAL, BUT THE IDEA AT LEAST IS REALLY FUNNY. I KINDA FEEL LIKE THE ONLY THING FROM THE ORIGINAL IS PROBOBLY THE START WHERE THE EGG IS A HEART THAT OPENS LIKE A VAGINA THEN THE RABBIT MOVES REALLY WEIRD FOR LIKE A SECOND.  PS. I LIKE THE WEIRD UNINTENTIONAL DEPTH WHERE THE STATED SPOKEN THEME OF THIS MOVIE IS "YOU ARE STRONGER TOGETHER" BUT THE FINAL FIGHT IS THE MAIN CHARACTER ALONE FIGHTING AN AMALGAMATE OF EVERY ANIMAL AND THE REAL MESSAGE IS MORE LIKE "GRACY IS PUNI...

 Trail of the Screaming Forehead [movie] I DON'T DISLIKE IT. I LIKE IT WELL ENOUGH, BUT I THINK MY HEART IS TOO FULL OF SNOBBERY ABOUT BAD MOVIES AND I NEVER CAN ENJOY THESE THE WAY I SHOULD BE ABLE TO. LIKE I HAVE A KNEE JERK REACTION TO BAD ON PURPOSE MOVIES TO INSTANTLY DISLIKE THEM AND NOT ENJOY THEM AS MUCH AS I SHOULD. IT SUCKS!  PS. LIKE MY WHOLE REACTION TO THIS IS JUST SAYING "UMM WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST WATCH 'FROM BEYOND'?" WHICH IS LIKE ONLY SUPERFICIALLY SIMILAR AND THAT SORT OF CRITISISM IS SOMETHING I WOULDN'T APPLY TO ANY OTHER GENRE. I JUST CAN NOT GET PAST MY ELITISM!

 Anaconda [movie] MEH? IT FEELS LIKE THEY MADE THIS MOVIE WRONG. LIKE THEY HAD THREE IDEAS AND INSTEAD OF PICKING ONE THEY JUST MADE THEM IN ORDER AND MADE THAT THE MOVIE. LIKE THE FIRST THIRD IS A REALLY META THING ABOUT JACK BLACK'S CHARACTER IN UNIVERSE AQUIRING THE RIGHTS TO MAKE AN ANACONDA MOVIE AND IT BEING SOME SORT OF BE KIND REWIND REMAKE ABOUT ANACONDA. THEN THE MIDDLE PART IS A REALLY BORING ACTUAL REBOOT OF ANACONDA WITH SOME GOLD THEIF PLOTLINE THAT SUCKED. THEN THE LAST THIRD SUDDENLY BECAME EXTREMELY WACKY OVER THE TOP COMEDY? IT WAS JUST SUCH A WEIRD PROGRESSION OF THREE ALMOST ENTIRELY SEPORATE SEGMENTS. PS. THE ONLY REALLY GOOD PART IS SOMEONE GETTING BITTEN BY A SPIDER, THEN SAYING THEY NEEDED TO PEE ON IT AND SOMEONE POINTING OUT THAT IS JELLYFISH NOT SPIDERS, THEN THE ANSWER BEING "IT WORKS ON ALL ANIMALS" AND THAT BEING THE SOLUTION. 

 Hot Frosty [movie] OH MAN, THIS IS A CHRISTMAS HALLMARK STYLE ROMANCE BUT THE PLOT IS THAT A SINGLE WOMAN GETS A MAGIC SCARF AND PUTS IT ON A HOT SNOWMAN THEN THE SNOWMAN IS ALIVE AND THEY FALL IN LOVE AND THE MOVIE IS SO STUPID IT RULES. IT'S LIKE A CHUCK TINGLE CONCEPT BUT WITH HALLMARK WRITING. ALSO THE WHOLE THING IS A NIGHTMARE BECAUSE HOT FROSTY IS CLEARLY A SMALL CHILD AND SHOULD NOT BE DATED BY THE ADULT WOMAN. THIS FEELS ESPECIALLY EMPHASIZED BY THE CLIMAX OF THEIR ROMANCE BEING HIM TAKING HER TO A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE.  PS. MY NIECE MADE US WATCH THIS AS A FAMILY AND THAT RULES. 

 The Elephant [television] THEY GOT A BUNCH OF ANIMATIORS AND TOLD THEM TO DO WHATEVER AND SO THEY JUST DREW A BUNCH OF STUFF.  THE FIRST ONE FELT KINDA LIKE NOTHING, AND THE THIRD ONE WAS REALLY NEAT BUT DIDN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE IT HAD ANY REASON TO BE PART OF THIS, ONLY THE MIDDLE PART SEEMED LIKE IT FIT? LIKE THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ANIMATION AND THAT FELT LIKE THE ONLY ONE ABOUT BEING CREATIVE? OR SOMETHING. I DO REALLY LIKE THE SPIRIT'S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCIENTIST, I LIKE HOW UNRELENTING SHE WAS ABOUT HATING THE STUPID MOVIE IDEA. PS. ALSO MUSIC BUTTON'S HEAD TURNED INTO ZORAK FOR LIKE ONE FRAME. 

 Lucky Day [book, audiobook] CHUCK TINGLE HAS BEEN WRITING NON-GIMMICK NOVELS LATELY AND I THINK THEY ARE KINDA LEGITIMATELY GOOD. THEY AREN'T FLAWLESS, HE HAS A WEIRD ISSUE WITH LIKE, WRITING THE SAME SORT OF CHARACTER TWIST IN EVERY BOOK AND I HATE IT, BUT OVERALL, I THINK HE'S AN ACTUAL GOOD WRITER NOW.  ALSO MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I LISTENED TO THIS ALL UNDER CULT INDOCTRINATION CONDITIONS BUT LIKE, OOF, THERE WAS SOME THEMES IN THIS THAT CUT WAY TOO CLOSE FOR ME. I DON'T KNOW. PS. I LIKE THAT THIS MENTONED KINGDOM OF THE PINE AND GAVE A FULL SCI-FI ANSWER WHY A VOID WOULD DO THE STUFF IT DID IN "STRAIGHT' (ALTHOUGH I LIKED IT MORE WHEN I WAS JUST REWARDED FOR NOTICING THE SHARED UNIVERSE STUFF AND LIKED IT LESS WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY CALLED OUT STRAIGHT FOR BEING A DUMB PREMISE.  IT'S ALL DUMB!)

 Lesbian Space Princess [movie] THIS WAS MORE GOOD THAN BAD, A LOT OF THE JOKES WERE VERY FUNNY, BUT JESUS CHRIST STOP EXPLAINING YOUR OWN JOKES. HAVING THE INCEL ALIENS EXPLAINING HOW TO HIT ON GIRLS AND IT BEING TO SAY HOW HIGH YOUR REDDIT SCORE IS AND THAT YOU HAVE OPINIONS ON MARVEL MOVIES IS A FUNNY JOKE, YOU DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN THAT IS ACTUALLY A BAD IDEA. LIKE, EVERYONE WATCHING GETS THAT "LABRYS" SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE LABIA, WHO DOES THAT NEED TO BE SPELLED OUT FOR AS A JOKE???? THAT SAID, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT A COUPLE JOKES SO: GOOD MOVIE. PS.  YOU CAN'T MAKE A GAY PARODY OF UTENA, IT'S LIKE MAKING A PARODY OF 1984 BUT MAKING IT ABOUT TOTALITARIANISM. IT'S JUST THE THING THAT IT IS. 

 Gris [game] THIS IS JUST "VERY BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPEN: THE GAME" PS. I DON'T LIKE HOW HER ARMS ATTACH

 The Ugly Stepsister [movie] THIS IS A HORRORISH RETELLING OF CINDERELLA, IT COULD BE ANY CINDERELLA BUT IT'S DEFINITLY DISNEY CINDERELLA AND UNLIKE MOST OF THE BLOOD AND HONEY TYPE THINGS THAT ARE BAD, THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY WELL DONE AND GOOD. IT'S MOSTLY LIKE, 1800S PLASTIC SURGERY HORROR.  PS. VERY EUROPEAN. 

 Pink For The Masses [movie] EH, I ALWAYS WATCH THESE VOMIT DOLLS/LUCIFER VALENTINE TYPE MOVIES BECAUSE THEY ARE SHAPED LIKE SOMETHING I'D LIKE BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS VERY MEH. LIKE THEY ARE SHOCK IMAGES, BUT LIKE, NOT PORNOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT'LL BE LIKE, A GIRL FINGERING HERSELF BUT IT'S ART BECAUSE IT HAS CHURCH MUSIC AND APPLE IIGS TEXT PROJECTED ON HER WITH A PROJECTOR AND RANDOM CUTS TO ART OF ANIMALS FROM MANUSCRIPTS AND SOMEONE IS READING A POEM, BUT MEH? IT'S NEVER ANYTHING, IT DOESN'T EVER REALLY MEAN ANYTHING. IT'S NOT TOO OBSCENER FOR ME, IT'S JUST TOO HOLLOW. LIKE SHE'S REALLY CUTTING A SYMBOL IN HER SKIN IN REAL ACTUAL LIFE AND IT'S NOT MAKEUP, BUT IT'S A LAME SYMBOL AND SHE'S NOT CUTTING HERSELF A SHOCKING AMOUNT. NOT TO SAY IT'D BE BETTER IF SHE CUT HERSELF MORE, BUT THAT IT'S NOT COOL TO DO IT LIKE THAT, AND THEY SHOULD JUST NOT DO THAT. LIKE HER CUTTING HERSELF A VERY SLIGHT AMOUNT JUST MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A STUPID ATTEMPT ...

Shit In the Dirt [film festival] MISS: I THINK THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE ONE. IT WAS LIKE, A GUY WATCHING A BOWLING ANIMATION, THEN IT SPIRALING OUT WITH HIM BECOMING OBSESSED, THEN THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BOWLING ANIMATION, THEN IT KEPT PULLING OUT MORE LEVELS THEN ENDED WITH A PHOTO OF A BOWLING PIN'S WEIRD VAGINA? HOW YOU WERE MADE: A LIKE, 10 SECOND ANIMATION OF A HOTDOG AND A FLY MAKING OUT AND HAVING SEX BEHIND A DUMPSTER. THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY: TWO TEEN GIRLS GET HIGH ON THE WAY TO DOING TAROT READINGS AT A GRAVEYARD AND LOSE THE BABY THEY WERE WATCHING, THAT HAVE A BUNCH OF ADVENTURE TIME ESQ ANTICS. THIS FEELS LIKE THE MOST LEGITIMATE PITCH FOR A SERIES OF THESE.  THE POSTMAN: AN ADULT BRITISH MAN IS INTENSELY PLAYING PRETEND ON A BIKE THEN A MAILMAN COMES AND TRIES TO TAL TO HIM.  BURITTO BREAKDOWN: A YOUTUBER IS MAKING A NEGETIVE REVIEW OF CHIPOTLE BURRITO BUT IT'S HACKED TO BE POORLY EDITED TO BE POSITIVE, THEN AFTER A COUPLE ROUNDS CHIPOTLE ANNOUNCES HE'S JEFF...

The Sound of Summer [movie] THIS IS A VERY LOW BUDGET JAPANESE BODY HORROR MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN WHO BELIEVES SOMEONE IS PUTTING CICADAS IN HER BODY.  THE EFFECTS ARE TERRIBLE BUT THE WEIRD QUIET PACE OF THE MOVIE AND SHORT LENGTH MAKES IT REALLY GOOD.  PS. I JUST LIKE WHEN THINGS KNOW THE SAME TRIVIA I KNOW. MATCHBOX SIGN. 

 No Kidding [book. comic] HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE EXPERIANCE OF MEETING A GUY WHO SHARES AN OPINION WITH YOU BUT THEY EXPRESS IT IN THE MOST RANCID WAY POSSIBLE AND IT'S SUPER AWFUL? THAT'S THIS BOOK, I WAS LIKE, TELLING A BOOK I WAS READING TO SHUT UP.  PS. I MEAN, ONCE IT ACTUALLY GOT TO THE ABORTION STORYLINE IT GOT A TON BETTER, THIS HAS MULTIPLE AUTHORS AND I VERY VERY STRONGLY SUSPECT THE CLEAR DIVISION OF LABOR WAS THAT A DIFFERENT PERSON WAS WRITING THE EXTREMELY ANNOYING SINGLE PANEL COMICS THAN THE PERSON WRITING THE THROUGH NARRATIVE. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NOT EVEN DIVINE WHAT SOME OF THE SINGLE PANEL ONES ARE EVEN COMPLAINING ABOUT. 

 Silksong [game] OH MAN, THIS GAME IS SO GOOD. I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH. I CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS GAME. I WILL ADMIT A DEEP SHAME THOUGH: I BEAT THE GAME, THEN BEAT THE GAME FOR THE SECRET ENDING, THEN GOT TO THE SECRET ACT, BUT THEN I WENT TO TRANSYLVANIA FOR A WEEK, THEN I FELL ON MY WRIST AND COULDN'T HOLD A STEAM DECK FOR A WHILE AND NOW I'M TOO BAD AT THE GAME TO KEEP PLAYING. I WOULD NEVER NORMALLY QUIT A GAME I LIKE THIS MUCH, BUT THEY ANNOUNCED THERE IS DLC COMING, SO IT GIVES ME A GOOD REASON TO WAIT TO CONTINUE.  PS. THERE IS SO MUCH I LOVE ABOUT THIS GAME, I THINK I CAN BOIL IT DOWN TO POINTING OUT THAT THERE IS A UNIQUE ANIMATION FOR LOOKING AT THE MAP, WHICH COOL, BUT THEN THEY BOTHERED TO DRAW AN ANIMATION FOR LOOKING AT THE MAP ON A BENCH, THEN THEY MADE AN ANIMATION FOR LAYING DOWN IN THE ONE BED IN THE GAME, BUT *THEN* THERE IS A UNIQUE ONE OF A KIND ANIMATION OF HER LOOKING AT HER MAP IN BED. IT'S THE MOST WORK ANYONE HAS EVER PUT INTO MAKIN...

 Cry Wolf Girl [book, comic] THIS IS A PRETTY SHORT BOOK THAT IS THAT SORT OF GRAPHIC NOVEL THAT EXISTS TO BE A MINIMUM VIABLE FRAMEWORK TO DRAW A COUPLE BEAUTIFUL PANELS AND HAVE AN ENDING. BUT LIKE, THIS HAD SOME REALLY GOOD PANELS SO I TOTALLY APPROVE.  PS. GUY WHO JUST GOT A LIBRARY CARD AND GOT THE LIBRARY COMICS APP VOICE: HEY, WANNA HEAR ABOUT ALL THE RANDOM COMICS I READ?