Capital Reviews

At the Mouth of the River of Bees [book] THIS IS A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES. IT'S BY THE LADY THAT WROTE THAT NEBULA AWARD STORY ABOUT THE FUCK AMOEBA THAT MADE ME SAY "OH GOD, FINALLY THE NEBULA AWARDS ARE BACK ON TRACK!" IN 2009. ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS WHO THIS WAS WHEN I GOT THIS, I JUST GOT THIS BECAUSE A STORY CALLED 'BITEY CAT' SOUNDED GOOD. ALL THESE STORIES ARE REALLY WEIRD,  AT THE MOUTH OF THE RIVER OF BEES FEELS LIKE A WEIRD DREAM THE AUTHOR HAD, A BUNCH OF STORIES REUSE NAMES EVEN WHEN IT MAKES NO SENSE (A RICHARD LIVING IN THE MONGOLIAN STEPS IN PREHISTORY) AND THE WEIRD LINKAGES LIKE THE CATS HAVING ANCESTRAL STORIES ONE WAY THEN DOGS IN ANOTHER STORIES HAVING MORE RELIGIOUS ANCESTRAL STORIES. I THINK I LIKED MOST OF THESE QUITE A BIT, HONESTLY. I LIKE THE IDEA THAT CATS SPREAD OVER MOST OF THE WORLD IN PRE-HISTORY BUT GOT TO JAPAN IN 600AD WHEN EVERYONE WAS SOMEWHAT MODERN, AND THE IDEA THERE WAS A TIME WHEN CATS WERE SPREADING FRO

Alter Ego [game] THIS IS LIKE, A JAPANESE CLICKER GAME, BUT LIKE, AN EMOTIONAL GRAPHIC NOVEL ABOUT PHILOSOPHY THAT IS A BUNCH OF PSYCHOLOGICAL QUESTIONNAIRES AND ALSO SEEMS TO BE RIPPING OFF PERSONA 1? AND ALSO I GOT A BAD ENDING BECAUSE I PERSONALLY SUCK? AND ALSO THIS SEEMS ACTUALLY KINDA GOOD? PS. THIS GAME HAS ABSOLUTELY OPPRESSIVE FREE TO PLAY MOBILE ADVERTISING IMPLEMENTATION AND I KNOW I'M OVERTHINKING IT BUT IT ALMOST FELT INTENTIONAL THEY WERE SO BAD.  LIKE YOU COULD GET LIKE 5 POINTS BY CLICKING THE COLLECTED WORKS OF CAMUS, OR LIKE, YOU COULD WATCH THE DUMBEST FRIGGIN AD OVER AND OVER FOR LIKE 50,000 POINTS.

Wonder Woman: Bloodlines [movie] THIS WAS JUST NOTHING. LIKE A LONG UNREMARKABLE JUSTICE LEAGUE EPISODE. I WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT AND WAS GOING TO WRITE THIS REVIEW IN THE MORNING AND IT TOOK ME HOURS TO EVEN REMEMBER I HAD SEEN IT. I GUESS IT HAS THAT PART WHERE THE LADY SAYS SHE HOPES THE AMAZONS LIKE A THICC WOMAN THEN SHE HAS A BUNCH OF GIRLFRIENDS AT THE END. PS. THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS THEN BOTH BEING STUCK SAYING 'PURPLE RAY' AND THE SHOW LAMPSHADING HOW DUMB THAT IS BY EVERYONE BEING REALLY AWKWARD.

Abomination [movie] I HAVE EXACTLY ZERO IDEA WHAT ROLE THE DAD HAD IN THIS. IT WAS THE MOST CONFUSING ELEMENT. PS. WHY WAS HER VIOLIN SPEAK SO MENACING? IT LOOKED LIKE AN ANIME VILLIAN ORIGIN.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker [movie] THIS MOVIE IS FINE, THE SECOND MOVIE WAS ALSO FINE, BUT THEY SURE SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED TO PUT SOME OF THE PLOT IN THE SECOND MOVIE SO THIS MOVIE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE 8 MILLION SCENES WHERE THEY WENT TO A PLANET THAT WAS EXACTLY LIKE SOME OTHER PLANET TO SHOW US SOMETHING THAT IS APPARENTLY VERY IMPORTANT AND ALSO HAD ALWAYS BEEN A THING WITH ZERO FORESHADOWING. ALSO SO THEY COULD SHOW REY HEALING THINGS BEFORE THIS SO THEY WOULDN'T NEED A WEIRD SCENE WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS TOUCHING A SNAKE'S VAGINA. PS. IS STAR WARS JUST AVATAR? (IS STAR WARS JUST KINGDOM HEARTS?)

Matilda [play] WITH A 9 YEAR OLD SINGING IN A FAKE ACCENT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN UNBEARABLE, BUT IT WAS GOOD AND WELL DONE. I GO TO SO MANY CHEAP PLAYS I FORGET SOMETIMES THAT PLAYS CAN ACTUALLY OWN MORE THAN ONE PROP. THE DAD PARTICULARLY WAS GREAT. PS. MAN, IT'S A FAULT OF THE BOOK AND NOT THE PLAY BUT I ALWAYS FORGET HOW MESSED UP THE PACING ON MATILDA IS.

A Perfect Christmas List [movie] THIS MOVIE IS HONESTLY JUST LIKE FIVE 90S SITCOM PLOTS ROUGHLY STITCHED TOGETHER. PS. SHE CAN'T HEAR OR TALK, THAT IS WHY HER PARENT'S DIDN'T WANT HER.

Santa Girl [movie] WHY IS EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS THE MOST RANCID PERSON IMAGINABLE? EVERYONE IS SO UNPLEASANT. PS. WHO WAS THIS EVEN FOR? WAS THIS A KID'S MOVIE? WHAT THE HECK EVEN IS THIS MOVIE.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race [movie] I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS. IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOVIES THAT IS TRYING TOO HARD SO IT'S ANNOYING INSTEAD OF FUNNY, BUT IT'S SO UNFUNNY THAT IS SORT OF FUNNY? IT'S TOO MUCH AND OVERWELMING. PS. WIKIPEDIA SAYS THE DONALD TRUMP LINES PREDATE THE IMPEACHMENT STUFF. SPOOKY.

The Knight Before Christmas [movie] I LIKE THE WEIRD NON-CAUSALITY THEY SLIPPED IN WHERE THE KID ASKS MS CLAUS FOR A BOYFRIEND FOR HER AUNT ONLY AFTER THE TIME TRAVEL HAD ALREADY HAPPENED. LIKE, IT'S TIME TRAVEL, IT DOESN'T NEED TO GO IN ORDER, THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT, BUT MOST FICTION DOESN'T DO THAT. GOOD JOB TERRIBLE MOVIE. PS. I HATE MYSELF WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING THAT I RECOGNIZED WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP THAT THE WEIRD ACORN THEY GOT FOR CHRISTMAS WAS AN ATTEMPT TO PULL THIS INTO THE CHRISTMAS PRINCE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.

Tarot of the Cat People [book] MY LITTLE HEART IS BROKEN! I WAS SO CLOSE TO SAYING THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER AND RAVING ON AND ON ABOUT IT BUT I LOOKED IT UP AND IT'S JUST AN ART PROJECT FOR AN ARTIST. IT'S WRITTEN LIKE SOMEONE ASTRALLY PROJECTED OR SOMETHING TO SEE A PLANET IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE EVERYTHING IS CAT BASED, AND IT GOES THROUGH THE DIFFERENT CULTURES OF THE PLANET IN TERMS OF TAROT CARDS AND IT'S JUST BONKERS AND AS A STAND ALONE BOOK WITH THE ASSUMPTION SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT IT'S THE BEST THING EVER EVER EVER. AS INTENTIONAL FICTION IT'S FINE, BUT IT'S A PAINTER TRYING TO MAKE THE SETUPS SPECIFIC TO PAINT THINGS, SO THEY MAKE NO SENSE TO SUPPORT THE ART LESS THAN JUST, SCHIZOPHRENIA OR SOMETHING. PS. THE TAROT CARD ART DESCRIPTIONS ARE SOMEWHAT ACTUALLY GOOD AT LEAST.

Spookley the Square Pumpkin [movie] THIS KINDA SEEMED LIKE THE ORIGINAL HOMESTAR COMIC IF IT WAS BAD AND GENUINE INSTEAD OF WEIRD AND FUNNY AND IRONIC. LIKE HOW IN THE WORLD DID SOMEONE WRITE THE PHRASE 'JACK-A-LYMPICS" STRAIGHT FACED? ALSO I LOVE THE UNCOMFORTABLE IMPLICATIONS THEY WERE PUMPKINS COMPETING TO BECOME A JACK-O-LANTERN. LIKE THEY DREW IT AS HIM JUST VAGUELY GLOWING I GUESS? BUT IT SEEMED LIKE A SACRIFICE THING. PS. I LIKE THE UNEXAMINED COMPLICATION THAT THE RACIST PUMPKIN IS ALSO DIFFERENT AND IS CONTINUOUSLY DISQUALIFIED FROM EVERYTHING FOR HIS DIFFERENCE WHILE SPOOKLEY IS HATED BUT ALLOWED TO COMPETE NORMALLY.

The Secret of the Magic Gourd [movie] I TRIED TO FIND THE WORST MOVIE ON DISNEY+ AND SOMEONE SAID IT WAS THIS AND THAT SEEMS RIGHT. IT'S JUST SO BAD. BUT NOT REALLY SUPER SO BAD IT'S GOOD, IT'S JUST NOT GOOD. THIS IS DISNEY'S FIRST CHINA CENTERED LIVE ACTION MOVIE AND OOF. THIS IS DIGIMON THE MOVIE LEVEL OF DUB. PS. WHY DOES ASIA MOVIE CGI LOOK LIKE THAT? IT ALWAYS DOES

Frozen II [movie] I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COSMOLOGY OF FROZEN. LIKE THE WEIRD COSMIC SNOW FLAKE CLEARLY CONTROLLED ALL ELEMENTS, SO LIKE, WHAT THE HECK WAS THE DEAL WITH THEIR BEING ALSO ELEMENTAL BEINGS? TO STEAL A LINE, EVERYTHING ELSE WAS LIKE A SINGULAR ANIMAL, WHY WAS THE EARTH ONE TWENTY DUDES. WERE THE ELEMENTAL AVATARS LIKE GOD'S EMANATION INTO THE WORLD OR SOMETHING? WAS THE WHOLE THING A WEIRD JESUS THING? WHERE GOD WAS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE (OR AT LEAST THE CITY) UNTIL IT'SELF CAME DOWN TO EARTH AND DIED FOR THE SINS SO IT COULD FORGIVE EVERYONE? OR LIKE, BLOW UP A DAM FOR MANKIND'S SINS (AND FLOOD THE EARTH)? PS. CONSPIRACY THEORY. I THINK THE SONGS WERE WRITTEN SEPARATE FROM THE SCRIPT. THEY ALL FIT BUT LIKE, NOT EXACTLY. EVERYONE IS CORRECT THAT SHOW YOURSELF IS AN "ELSA GETS A GIRLFRIEND" SONG.

Toy Cemetery [book] SO BAD IT'S GOOD BOOKS ARE HARD, THIS BOOK WAS SO STUPID IT WAS FRIGGIN AMAZING BUT IT ALSO TOOK ME A MILLION YEARS TO READ BECAUSE IT'S SO INCOMPREHENSIBLE I COULD ONLY READ LIKE A CHAPTER AT ONCE. LIKE I HAD TO KEEP LITERALLY CHECKING IF I WAS SOMEHOW READING THE BOOK OUT OF ORDER, LIKE THEY MET A LIVING TOY AND TALKED TO IT THEN LIKE A HUNDRED PAGES LATER THEY FIND A DEAD DOG WITH A TINY SPEAR STUCK IN IT AND SEEM TOTALLY UNABLE TO GUESS A LIVING TOY SOLDIER KILLED IT AND SEEM TO NOT KNOW ABOUT THEM AT ALL, AND LIKE, CHARACTERS JUST DISAPPEAR FROM THE STORY OR ARE REPLACED WITH NEAR IDENTICAL CHARACTERS LIKE THE FIRST GIRL HE LIKED BEING REPLACED WITH HIS SUPERMODEL WIFE. I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS BOOK AT ALL. PS. A MAJOR CHARACTER IS REVEALED TO BE AN INVISIBLE WEREWOLF AT ONE POINT THEN AS FAR AS I KNOW THAT NEVER COMES UP AGAIN.

Path of Exile [game] IMAGINE THEY TOOK ALL THE BAD PARTS OF DIABLO II AND MADE THAT A GAME. THAT IS THIS, I HAVE TRIED TO PLAY THIS A MILLION TIMES BUT THE 1325 SPHERE GRID LEVEL UP SYSTEM WHERE YOU NEED TO DO IT PERFECTLY OR YOUR CHARACTER IS RUINED FOREVER KEPT TURNING ME OFF, SO I JUST MADE A STUPID GIMMICK CHARACTER THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE GOOD AND JUST PUT EVERY SINGLE POINT INTO MAKING IT SO I HAD ENOUGH MP TO CAST A SPELL EXACTLY ONE TIME BUT THAT SPELL WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL MOST THINGS IN ONE HIT. PS. I THINK ARPGS ARE THE ONLY GENRE OF VIDEOGAMES I FEEL A LITTLE SCARED OF. I PLAY VIDEOGAMES A LOT, FOR HOURS A DAY SOMETIMES BUT THAT DOESN'T SEEM BAD, BUT SOMETHING ABOUT ARPGS I CAN PLAY ENDLESSLY AND FEEL REAL BAD ABOUT IT. LIKE I PLAYED THIS TILL MY MOUSE BROKE THEN BOUGHT A MOUSE SPECIFICALLY TO BE BETTER AT THIS. LIKE, I PLAYED THIS BECAUSE I STARTED PLAYING DIABLO 3 AGAIN WHEN DIABLO 4 WAS ANNOUNCED THEN IT WAS A WHOLE *WEEK* BEFORE THE NEW DIABLO SEASON S

Two Lovers and a Bear [movie] THIS IS LIKE, THE SECOND MOST INDIE MOVIE EVER MADE. ALTHOUGH I HAD TO LOOK UP IF THE MAIN ACTOR AND ACTRESS WERE REALLY DATING BECAUSE STUFF LIKE MAKING THEIR FEET FIGHT WITH GLOVES ON FELT LIKE A REAL SCENE THEY JUST CAPTURED AND THAT IS PRETTY GOOD FILM MAKING I GUESS? PS. THE MESSAGE OF THIS FILM IS REALLY WEIRD. LIKE IT'S "LIKE DEER, YOU NEED TO HAVE FAITH AND FOLLOW EACH OTHER AND SOMETIMES YOU DIE, BUT MOSTLY IT WORKS OUT" THEN THEY FOLLOW EACH OTHER AND THEN DIE. WHICH IS VERY DEAD DOVE, DON'T OPEN.