Capital Reviews

Holes [book] YEAH, THIS BOOK'S PRETTY OKAY. IT'S A YOUNG ADULT BOOK AND IT'S SO FUNNY HOW MUCH IT'S A YA BOOK FROM BEFORE THE YEAR ALL YA BOOKS GOT 'LIKE THAT'. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE A TON TO SAY IN A REVIEW, I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE READ THIS BOOK ALREADY AND IT'S A PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD BOOK. I GUESS I'LL COMMENT THAT I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA IT WAS THE SAME AUTHOR AS WAYSIDE SCHOOL. PS. SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BOOK JUST MAKES ME WANT TO DIG A HOLE. IT'S SO CLEARLY NOT WHAT THE BOOK WANTED, IT DIDN'T MAKE IT SOUND FUN AT ALL, BUT NOW I WANT TO DIG A BIG HOLE AND EAT AN ONION.

Elmo's Playdate [television] SESAME STREET ISN'T FOR ME, I GUESS I WATCHED THIS FOR PROFESSIONAL(?) REASONS, SINCE IT GETS MENTIONED SO MUCH? I WASN'T VERY GOOD OR INTERESTING BUT I AT LEAST LIKED THE VERY INTENTIONAL INCLUSION OF GROVER TO TEACH CHILDREN THAT ADULTS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY CAN NOT USE ZOOM CORRECTLY. LIKE IT WAS THERE FOR VAGUE COMEDY RELIEF BUT IT WAS ALSO SO THERE SPECIFICALLY TO GIVE KIDS A MODEL FOR WHEN THEIR TEACHER SUCKS. PS. HOW LONG HAS ELMO HAD A DAD THAT TALKS LIKE A WEIRD SOUTHERN PERVERT?

Lu over the Wall [movie, anime] THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY JUST THE ANIMATION. IT'S GREAT. THE WEIRD 1920S DANCE ANIMATION, ALSO THE VOCALOID MERMAID AND PAPA HELL SHARK. IT'S GREAT. PS. ARE MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS A REAL THING JAPANESE SMALL TOWNS DID/DO? I SEE THAT A LOT IN MEDIA (ANIMAL CROSSING). IS IT AN ACTUAL THING?

The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home [audiobook] THIS IS A REALLY GOOD BOOK. OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS I HAVE DEVELOPED A STRANGE RELATIONSHIP WITH NIGHTVALE. I DON'T LISTEN TO IT AS IT COMES OUT ANYMORE, BUT I HAVE STARTED USING IT IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD DIVINATION RITUAL. LIKE, THE EPISODES ARE SHORT AND BUILD UP IF I DON'T LISTEN TO THEM MUCH, AND OFTEN TOUCH ON SERIOUS SUBJECTS BUT IN A LIGHT AND SILLY RAPID FIRE WAY. SO IF I LISTEN TO THEM IN AN IMPORTANT TIME OR PLACE, IN A GERMAN FOREST, AT THE TOP OF AN ICELANDING WATERFUL, IN AN ANCIENT SPANISH FORTRESS TOWN, AT THE BAST OF THE PYRAMIDS, WALKING HOME FROM BREAKING UP WITH A GIRLFRIEND, ETC, IT WILL ALWAYS GIVE SOME WORD OR PHRASE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOME GREAT ANSWER TO SOME QUESTION. I KNOW THAT ISN'T TRUE IN A MAGIC SENSE, BUT IT SEEMS TRUE, AND IT'S FUNNY, LOOKING AT THE DATE IF I HAD READ THIS WHEN I BOUGHT IT IT WOULD HAVE SPOKEN DIRECTLY TO THINGS I WAS THINKING ABOUT A LOT, BUT I PUT OFF REA

P [movie] I DON'T KNOW, I SORT OF LIKED THIS MOVIE BUT REALLY ALL I LIKED WAS POOKIE AND WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO POOKIE I DIDN'T LIKE THE MOVIE AS MUCH. ALSO DID POOKIE'S MAKE BOOBS BIGGER SPELL WORK? THE CURSE WAS CONTINGENT ON HER SELLING SPELLS AND SHE SOLD ONE FOR A KISS, SO DOES THAT MEAN POOKIE GOT A BOOBS BE BIGGER SPELL? PS. I THINK THE VAMPIRE WAS A THAI CULTURAL THING, BECAUSE IT WAS A VERY COMPLICATED VAMPIRE AND IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT TO FIGURE OUT THE VERY UNEXPLAINED RULES.

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. IT HAS TWO THINGS GOING FOR IT: EXTREMELY DRY BRAIN, AND EXTREMELY GOOD 60S SPACE NOISES PLAYING AT ALL TIME FOR NO REASON. PS. THIS MOVIE IS LIKE 75% JUST STOCK FOOTAGE OF MILITARY EQUIPMENT THEN ONE SET OF ROCKS.

7 Faces of Dr. Lao [movie] I LOVE HOW VERY UNCLEAR IT IS WHAT DR LAO EVEN DOES HERE. THE TOWN IS IN DANGER FROM A CROOKED BANKER, AND YOU'D THINK HE WAS SAVING THE TOWN FROM THAT, BUT HE NEVER REALLY ADDRESSES ANY OF THOSE ISSUES AND THE BANKER IS JUST DEFEATED IN A SIMPLE VOTE, WHICH THERE WAS NEVER ANY INDICATION HE MIGHT WIN. I GUESS LAO DOES FIX THE PRINTING PRESS? I GUESS THAT IS HIS ONLY ACTION THAT MATTERS THEN THE REST IS HIM GOOFING OFF? ALSO WHY DOES THE LOCH NESS MONSTER HAVE HIS FACE? AND LIKE, WHY DOES THE SERPENT HAVE THE BANKER'S FACE? LIKE I KNOW *WHY* BUT... WHY? PS. I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS HAVE FAMILIES AND SPOUSES AND STUFF, I LIVE TOTALLY ALONE, I'M NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE AT ALL,I WISH I HAD THE ABILITY TO MAKE THIS MOVIE NIGHT STUFF WORK MORE THAN I DO.

Cardpocalypse [game] I DON'T KNOW, I LIKED THIS GAME, IT'S A TOTALLY SINGLE PLAYER CARD BATTLE GAME SO IT LET YOU DO A BUNCH OF DUMB THINGS THAT COULD NEVER BE IN AN ONLINE GAME, I DON'T KNOW, I LIKED THIS GAME A LOT BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I SHOULD HAVE, IT HAD REALLY WONKY BALANCE WHERE IT WAS JUST SO EASY. LIKE TURN THREE ONE HIT KILLING BOSSES. LIKE IT HAD A TON OF MECHANICS AND I JUST ENDED UP NOT WANTING TO USE THEM BECAUSE THEY'D JUST MAKE ME EVEN STRONGER. PS. THE EXTREME DISREGARD FOR COPYRIGHT IN THE BACKGROUND ART IS BY FAR THE BEST PART. THE GRADE SCHOOL IN 1993 AESTHETIC WASN'T ALWAYS PERFECT, BUT ZOOMING IN TO LOOK AT ALL THE SIGNS AND BOOKS AND STUFF WAS WONDERFUL. NOT THE MAMA.

Freaks [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD. I REMEMBER SEEING TRAILERS FOR IT LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO. IT'S LIKE AN X-MEN THRILLER THAT VAGUELY MAKES YOU FEEL SENATOR KELLY IS PROBABLY THE GOOD GUY BECAUSE LITTLE KIDS DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT HAVE GOD POWERS EVEN IF THEY ARE THE GOOD GUYS. PS. I DO TOO HAVE A MOM! SHE'S A FAMOUS GHOST WHO LIVES IN MY CLOSET!

Cells At Work [anime] I LOVE HOW EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS IS REPRESENTATIONAL, LIKE EVERY DESIGN ELEMENT AND ACTION YOU CAN TELL SOMEONE HAD WIKIPEDIA AND A MEDICAL TEXT BOOK OPEN. ACTUALLY I WATCHED THIS WHOLE SHOW WHILE ON THE PHONE WITH A DOCTOR AND I REALLY RECOMMEND THAT, IT WAS VERY NICE TO HAVE THEM POINT OUT LIKE WHEN THE STREPTOCOCCUS SWUNG A FIBRIN NET OVER THE WHITE BLOOD CELLS IT WAS AN ABSCESS AND NOT JUST A RANDOM ANIME ATTACK AND WHEN EOSINOPHIL HAVING THEM REACT WITH "SHE SUCKS" THEN THE EPISODE BEING EVERYONE BULLYING THEM FOR SUCKING. PS. JESUS, THIS POOR GUY, GETTING CANCER, HEAT STROKE AND HEAD TRAUMA IN <3 also="" and="" bad="" both="" but="" eating="" fish="" infected="" it="" months="" nbsp="" p="" rotten="" so="" that="" with="" worms.="">

Possessions [game] THIS GAME ISN'T BAD, IT'S JUST A GAME THAT IS MADE FOR A GRANDMA THAT CAN'T ROTATE A CAMERA, AND SO I BEAT THE WHOLE GAME IN LIKE 15 MINUTES AND SOLVED A BUNCH OF THE PUZZLES IN LIKE SECONDS. APPLE ARCADE I GUESS. PS. THE STORY IS BONKERS. MAYBE I AM WILDLY MISINTERPRETING THE SILENT ANIMATION LESS DIARAHMAS BUT THIS GAME HAS A TYPICAL CATS IN THE CRADLE STORY FOR 95% OF IT WITH A DAD IGNORING HIS SON TO GO WORK AND MAKE MONEY AND YOU SPEND THE WHOLE GAME FIXING THEIR RICH PERSON TRASH AS THE FAMILY RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART, AND THE ENDING IS SO CLEARLY GOING TO BE THE LAST LEVEL SLIDING THE FAMILY BACK TOGETHER INSTEAD OF A BROKEN MARBLE STATUE OR SOMETHING, BUT NOPE! ON LEVEL 33 OUT OF 34 THE SON KISSES A BOY THEN ON LEVEL 34 OUT OF 34 DRAWS AN UPSIDE DOWN CROSS OVER HIS FACE IN THE FAMILY PORTRAIT AND KILLS HIMSELF. OR SOMETHING. IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

What the Golf [game] AH, THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S A WEIRD WARIO WARE STYLE GOLF GAME AND THAT IS GREAT. I LIKED THIS GAME. PS. HOWEVER I DO NOT LIKE IT ENOUGH TO COMPLETE ANY OF THE EXTRA STUFF. I DID THE PAR AND CROWN HOLES IF THEY WERE FUN BUT HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN PLAYING A SINGLE LEVEL THAT IS EVEN REMOTELY HARD.

A Catered Cat Wedding (A Mystery With Recipes) [book] AH MAN, WHAT A LET DOWN.   I LOVED THIS BOOK THROUGH THE EXTREMELY STUPID SETUP, A SET OF CATERS SERVING FOR A CAT WEDDING OF A RICH WOMAN WHO GETS MURDERED AND THEN THE CATERERS ARE VAGUELY SARCASTIC TO THE POLICE AND THAT FOR SOME VERY THIN AND NONSENSICAL PHOENIX WRIGHT TYPE LOGIC MEANS THAT IF THE CATERERS DON'T SOLVE THE MURDER IN 7 DAYS THEY WILL GO TO JAIL. AND SUCH A STUPID STORY IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR NOW THAT IT'S SO HARD TO PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING BUT THE NEWS. BUT MAN, AFTER THE SETUP THIS BECAME SO DULL I WANTED TO DIE. I HAD TO FORCE MYSELF THROUGH THE PAGES AND BY THE END I DON'T REALLY EVEN KNOW WHO THE MURDERER EVEN WAS BECAUSE I COULD NOT FORCE MYSELF TO FOLLOW WHO ANYONE WAS. PS. THIS BOOK HAD A RECIPE FOR PANCAKES IN IT. I FEEL LIKE THIS FIT A BUNCH OF CATEGORIES, BUT IT LITERALLY SAYS IT HAS A RECIPE IN IT IN THE TITLE.

Steven Universe: Unleash the Light [game] WHY IS THIS GAME SO HARD? WHY WOULD THEY MAKE THIS GAME THIS HARD? LIKE YOU KNOW I BEAT THIS BECAUSE I'M WRITING THIS, BUT THIS IS LIKE STRAIGHT UP THE HARDEST RPG I'VE PLAYED IN YEARS. I KEPT THINKING THERE WAS SOME MECHANIC I WAS MISSING AND I STILL FEEL LIKE THERE HAS TO BE. LIKE YOU JUST NEVER HEAL. YOU DON'T HEAL AFTER BATTLES, YOU DON'T HEAL WHEN YOU FINISH AN AREA, YOU DON'T HEAL IN TOWN. THERE IS NO STORE YOU BUY HEALING ITEMS, THERE IS NO OUT OF BATTLE HEALING SPELLS. YOU JUST NEVER REALLY HEAL. AND ENEMIES CAN DO LIKE 75% HEAL DAMAGE EVEN ON A PERFECT BLOCK. IT SEEMS INSANE. IT DOES HAVE SOME DEPTH TO THE COMBAT THOUGH? LIKE IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE OR BROKEN, THEY JUST MADE IT WEIRDLY EXTREMELY HARD. PS. DOES ANYONE FOLLOW THESE CLOSE ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT I'M JUST USING THE FREE MONTH OF APPLE ARCADE TO PLAY ALL THE SHORT GAMES FOR FREE?

Sayonara Wild Hearts [game] I AM LOSING MY MIND AT HOW GOOD THIS GAME IS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW THIS IS LIKE THE MOST BASIC GAME IMAGINABLE BUT IT STILL MANAGES TO HAVE LIKE 30 LEVELS THAT ARE ALL ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. AND YOU KEEP THINKING THEY ARE GOING TO REPEAT BUT THEY KEEP COMING UP WITH SOMETHING ENTIRELY NEW. LIKE THEY INTRODUCE THE SNAP THING AND YOU SNAPPING IT LIKE THIS HUGE ENTIRE MECHANIC THAT EXISTS FOR LIKE 30 SECONDS IN THE WHOLE GAME AND IT'S GREAT. BUT BEYOND THAT THE GAME IS JUST GREAT, EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STYLE IS WILD AND I LOVE IT, LIKE FROM THE FIRST DANCE BATTLE TO THE ABSURD LAST BOSS THIS JUST REAL REAL GOOD. LIKE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING. PS. WHY IS QUEEN LATIFAH THE NARRATOR? LIKE SHE DID A GOOD JOB BUT WHO WAS LIKE "LETS HIRE QUEEN LATIFAH FOR THIS RANDOM GAME"?

Emo: The Musical [movie] WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THIS MOVIE BEFORE? THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. I LOVE THAT THE SONGS ARE VERY MUCH PARODIES BUT ALSO JUST KINDA ACTUAL EMO SONGS? LIKE THE GUY THAT WROTE IT BOTH LOVED AND HATED EMO AT THE EXACT CORRECT LEVELS TO MAKE THE CORRECT PARODY. PS. SO LIKE, WHAT WAS THE MESSAGE OF THIS? THE CHRISTIANS WERE BAD AND THE EMOS WERE BAD. THE CHRISTIAN-EMO HYBRID BAND WAS THE ONLY NONE EVIL GROUP? WAS THIS A CHRISTIAN EMO MOVIE? DID SUFJAN STEVENS MAKE THIS?

Assemble [game] I DON'T KNOW, THIS GAME HAD ALL THE ELEMENTS TO BE ONE OF THOSE ARTISTIC STORY BASED GAMES I LIKE A LOT, AND IT WAS THAT, BUT IT JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT STUCK THE LANDING. IT JUST FELT HALF HEARTED. IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT BUILT TO ANYTHING. LIKE FLORENCE ALSO DIDN'T BUILT TO ANYTHING BUT HAD A REALLY RELATABLE STORY, THIS ONE JUST FELT LIKE IT FIZZLED A LITTLE. LIKE I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT FIXING THE RELATIONSHIPS. PS. ALSO THIS GAME WOULD BE UNBEARABLE IF ANY PART OF IT WAS ACTUALLY HARD, BUT IT FELT WEIRD THAT ALL OF IT WAS SO EASY. LIKE IT INTRODUCED ELEMENTS LIKE THERE COULD BE SOME PUZZLES BUT EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS SO INSTANTLY SOLVABLE IT MADE IT FEEL LIKE I WAS PLAYING WRONG.

Onward [movie] MAN, THIS MOVIE CAME OUT LIKE 3 DAYS BEFORE EVERYTHING LOCKED DOWN SO THEY HAD TO PUT IT ONLINE. IT WAS TOTALLY FINE. IT WASN'T REALLY GOOD OR BAD. IT WAS AN OKAY MOVIE. I WILL HAVE FORGOTTEN I WATCHED IT OR THAT IT EXISTED IN A FEW YEARS. THE MORAL WAS KINDA JUST NOTHING TOO. "BROTHERS ARE DADS" PS. I HAVE NOW CLAIMED THAT I HAVE A CRUSH ON THE HOT TEEN SAYTAR THAT IS IN THE MOVIE FOR LIKE 5 FRAMES? I DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE CASE, BUT SOMEONE WILL.

Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness [television] THIS SHOW IS REALLY REALLY GOOD. APPARENTLY BEING ANYWHERE NEAR A TIGER MAKES YOU CRAZY.  EVEN THE INVESTIGATOR LIVED IN A CLOWN HOUSE.  THIS SHOW IS REALLY MASTERFUL IN RELEASING THINGS IN JUST THE RIGHT ORDER. LIKE YOU THINK ONE THING ABOUT SOMEONE THEN THE NEXT EPISODE STARTS WITH SOME "OH WELL, *ACTUALLY*" AND BLINDSIDES YOU WITH THE EXACT OPPOSITE AND IT DOES IT LIKE 8 TIMES. PS. I REALLY DO ENJOY THAT QUARANTINE IS SYNCING EVERYONE'S MEDIA CONSUMPTION UP. EVERYONE WATCHES TIGER KING, EVERYONE PLAYS ANIMAL CROSSING.

What Did Jack Do? [movie] THIS REALLY IS PEAK DAVID LYNCH. IT'S SOMETHING SOMEONE WOULD MAKE TO MOCK HIM, BUT JUST MADE ENTIRELY BY HIM INSTEAD. PS. TOOTOTABON IS A REALLY EXTREMELY FUN NAME TO SAY.

The Haunted Island, a Frog Detective Game [game] THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S SO INTENSELY STUPID. I LOVE WE HAVE GOTTEN TO A MODERN AGE ENOUGH SOMEONE CAN MAKE A GAME THIS STUPID. IT MAKES ME WANT TO MAKE A GAME BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I COULD MAKE A GAME THIS DUMB BUT I AM PRETTY SURE THAT IS JUST AN ARTIST LOOKING AT SOME FAMOUS MODERN ART AND SAYING "I COULD DO THAT" WHERE I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT DO THAT. PS. I PICKED MO MOUSE TO WIN THE DANCE COMPETITION. I WANT TO SUPPORT HIS CRUSH ON MYSTERY MONKEY.