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Showing posts from February, 2014

Upstream Color [movie]

OKAY, SO THERE IS SOME WORMS THAT LIVE IN FLOWERS AND IF YOU MAKE TEA OUT OF THEM YOU CAN PSYCHIC MIND CONTROL PEOPLE BUT IF YOU PUT THEM IN PILLS YOU CAN HYPNOTIST PEOPLE INTO GIVING YOU THEIR GOLD COINS. THEN ONCE YOU DO THAT A PIG RANCHER WILL TAKE A WORM OUT OF YOU AND PUT IT IN A PIG, THEN YOU WILL HAVE AN ET CONNECTION TO THE PIG AND IF YOUR PIG GETS MARRIED YOU GET MARRIED TOO AND GET CANCER PREGNANT, AND WHEN THEY DROWN YOUR PIG BABIES YOU WILL GO CRAZY BUT ALL THE WORM JUICE WILL COME BACK OUT OF THE PIGS AND GO LIVE IN THE FLOWERS. DID I GET THIS RIGHT? PS. ALSO SOMEHOW BEING A MAGIC PIG FARMER IS PART OF A PLOT TO GET RECORD DEALS BY ROLLING ROCKS IN DRAINAGE PIPES?

The Woman That Wasn't There [movie, nonfiction]

THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT HER PRIMARY LIE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH SO IT NEEDED A ROMANCE SUBPLOT WHERE HAWAIIAN WARRIORS MARRIED HER TO SOME GUY IN SECRET. PS. DID SHE CHANGE HER NAME TO TANIA HEAD BECAUSE SHE HAD A DISPROPORTIONATELY FAT AND GROSS HEAD?

(A)sexual [movie, nonfiction]

I DONT KNOW MAN. I AM SURE SAYING THIS MAKES ME "THAT GUY" WHO JUST DOSENT GET IT, AND I FEEL THE HUMAN RACE IS DIVERSE ENOUGH PEOPLE EXIST THAT REALLY AND TRUELY HAVE NO SEXUALITY BUT BOY DOES IT ALWAYS JUST LOOK LIKE "ASK ME ABOUT MY CRIPPLING SOCIAL ANXIETY AND/OR DISCOMFORT WITH MY ACTUAL SEXUALITY" AND SHOWING THAT GIRLS ANIME FAN ART DIDNT REALLY CHANGE THAT MUCH. PS. THIS MOVIE SORT OF BOGGED DOWN INTO BEING ABOUT THAT ONE GUYS WEIRD RELATIONSHIP WEB.

The Lego Movie [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS JUST EXCEPTIONALLY WONDERFUL. HOLY CRAP WAS THIS MOVIE GOOD. IT DOSENT EVEN FEEL LIKE IT COULD BE A RWAL MOVIE WITH ALL THE WEIRD CAMEOS AND STUFF. I LIKE EVERYTHNG ABOUT THIS MOVIE. PS. I WATCHED A CAMRIP WITH ALL THE ONSCREEN TEXT IN SPANISH BECAUSE I WANTED TO WATCH THIS BUT FIGURED NO ONE WOULD GO SEE THIS WITH ME. 

The World Ends With You: Solo Remix [game]

GOD, MORE AND MORE AS I TRAVEL I HAVE DEVELOPED MORE AND MORE ABILITY TO BE INSUFFERABLE AND SAY "HEH, I'VE BEEN THERE" ABOUT MORE AND MORE STUFF. I LOVE THAT THIS GAME EXTENDS MY ABILITY TO SAY THAT TO A JRPG. PS. SINCE THIS WAS A REPLAY OF THIS GAME I PLAYED THE WHOLE GAME ON HARD AT LEVEL 1. BUT ACTUALLY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE NOT SUPER HARD BECAUSE YOU JUST GET TONS OF MONEY FOR BEATING ENEMIES THAT WAY AND CAN JUST BUY A BUNCH OF FOOD THEN SLOWLY EAT IT.

Dark Horse [movie]

UGG, I DIDN'T LIKE THIS MOVIE AT ALL, EVERYONE WAS FAR FAR TOO AWFUL PEOPLE TO WANT TO WATCH ANY OF IT. ALSO IT HAD SOME WEIRD 'WHAT IS REAL!" PLOT THAT CAME IN AT THE END THAT I WAS TOO BUSY TO ACTUALLY LOOK AT SO MAYBE THE ENDING WAS GREAT AND WOULD HAVE CHANGED MY OPINION IF I COULD HAVE BOTHERED TO LOOK AT THE SCREEN ENOUGH? PS. WALKIN WAS THE DAD THOUGH AND HE WAS THE BEST PART.

Robocop [movie]

ALRIGHT SO THE NEW ONE WASN'T REALLY TERRIBLE. IT WASN'T VERY SUBVERSIVE OR ANYTHING BUT IT WASN'T OFFENSIVELY BAD. ALSO I KNEW THIS WASN'T GOING TO BE THIS MOVIE BUT I REALLY FELT LIKE WHEN THEY HAD THAT SEEMINGLY AWKWARDLY WRITTEN SCENE THAT WAS LIKE "WE HAVE TO MAKE A RULE I NEVER GET TO LOOK INSIDE MYSELF AGAIN" FOLLOWED BY A "WE NEED TO DO THIS BY *ANY* MEANS NECESSARY" FOLLOWED BY BRAIN SURGERY I REALLY REALLY WANTED THERE TO BE A TWIST THAT THEY JUST TOOK HIS BRAIN OUT. I WISH IT HAD BEEN THAT MOVIE, HIM BEING ALL DRAMATIC AND OVERCOMING HIS PROGRAMMING AND ALL. PS. IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE THIS BASICALLY DIDN'T HAVE THE 80S MAD MAGAZINE HUMOR EXCEPT IN THE NEWS TICKERS SO THE NEWS TICKERS HAD A BUNCH OF STORIES ABOUT HOOKERS IN SPACE AND ALIEN COMMUNICATION AND CRAP THAT DIDN'T FIT IN. ALSO IT'S WEIRD THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT DETROIT SINCE DETROIT IS LIKE EVEN WORSE THAN IT WAS IN THE 80S AND THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF IT

Évocateur: The Morton Downey Jr. Movie [movie, nonfiction]

I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH MEMORY OF HIM BUT I TOTALLY DID REMEMBER THAT ANTI-SMOKING COMMERCIAL ON THE SWING. I'M SURE I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO WATCH HIS SHOW AT ALL. THE CLIPS WERE ALL P. FUNNY AND I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE HE WAS KINDA MORE EXTREME THAN MODERN STUFF. ALTHOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE SHOW TRAVELED FROM RIGHT WING NONSENSE TO JERRY SPRINGER FREAK SHOW NONSENSE OVER TIME. PS. THE ANIMATION IN THIS WAS REALLY WEIRD AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THEY WERE MAKING THIS AND THOUGHT THEY NEEDED A CARTOON OF 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS HUMPING A PENIS CAR. ALSO WHY THE HECK WAS CHRIS ELLIOT IN LIKE ONE RANDOM SCENE?

That Guy... Who Was in That Thing [movie, nonfiction]

I MEAN I'M SURE IT DEPENDS ON WHAT I WATCH BUT IT SEEMED SAD THAT SOME OF THESE PEOPLE REALLY WERE 'OH, IT'S THAT GUY' AND OTHERS WERE NO ONE. I FEEL BAD FOR THE ACTORS THAT STILL SEEMED LIKE NO ONE. PS. BEING A MINOR ACTOR APPARENTLY REALLY SUCKS I GUESS?

Final Fantasy 13-2 [game]

I DO FEEL LIKE THIS GAME FIXED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE COMPLAINT I HAD ABOUT FF13, THIS ISN'T MY FAVORITE GAME EVER OR ANYTHING BUT IT DOES OBJECTIVELY FEEL BETTER IN EVERY ASPECT THAN THE ORIGINAL AND WAS A PRETTY OKAY GAME. ALSO I FEEL LIKE THIS WHOLE GAME EXISTS BECAUSE SOMEONE MADE FUN OF THE ENDING OF FF8 AND THAT CAUSED SOMEONE AT SQUARE TO TRY AND PROVE TIME COMPRESSION WAS NOT A DUMB IDEA AND MAKE A WHOLE GAME EXPLAINING IT IN A WAY THAT MADE IT SOUND SYMPATHETIC AND COOL.  PS. SQUARES FIRST TIME TRAVEL GAME HAD THE 'BANGOR DOME', THE SECOND ONE HAS THE 'AUGUSTA TOWER', COINCIDENCE? I THINK SO!

Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer [movie, nonfiction]

DOCTOR LAW LIVING IN A TEPEE. "GAYS WEREN'T INVENTED YET, DID THEY HAVE GAYS WHEN YOU WERE IN SCHOOL?" "I WENT TO BRITISH PUBLIC SCHOOL!" PS. LITERALLY EVERYONE WE EVER EXECUTE IS PROFOUNDLY MENTALLY ILL, LIKE BARELY ANY EXCEPTIONS EVER.

Cleanflix [movie, nonfiction]

OH MAN I REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE CLEANFLIX VERSION OF SAW 2 NOW. THE EDITED VERSION OF BIG LEBOSKI WAS WICKED FUNNY HOW BAD IT CHANGED THAT SCENE. ALSO I LOVE HOW OFF THE RAILS EVERYTHING GOES, DID ANYONE REALLY NOT SEE THAT COMING? PS. OH GOD THE AD WITH HIM SMILING AT THE KID AND THE MOM BEING ALL UPSET. WELP! WEL!!!!

Mitt [Movie, Nonfiction]

I MEAN I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT THIS TO SPILL ANY BEANS ON ANY SORT OF BIG SECRET BUT THIS FELT ALL LIKE STUFF THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND EVEN DURING THE ELECTION AND NO REAL ELEMENT OF 'WELL IT'S OVER NOW I GUESS WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS OPENLY". IT WASN'T A BAD MOVIE THOUGH, JUST NOT A VERY HARD HITTING DOCUMENTARY OR ANYTHING, JUST 'HEY HERE IS SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED' PS. IT WAS KINDA LEGITIMATELY A GOOD JOKE WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BEING A FLIPPIN MORMON.

The Queen of Versailles [movie, nonfiction]

I LIKE THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT THE BIGGEST HOUSE IN AMERICA AND THEN WASN'T ABOUT THAT AT ALL. THE BEST PART WAS THE HOUSEKEEPER LIVING IN THE TINY TOY HOUSE. IT WAS SUPER SAD BUT SHE SEEMED HAPPY ABOUT IT? PS. THE BEST PART WAS THE LIZARD HAVING DIED THEN THE KID BEING LIKE "I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD A LIZARD". NO WAIT IT WAS WHEN HE MENTIONED HE DID SOMETHING ILLEGAL TO HELP ELECT BUSH?

The Imposter [movie, nonfiction]

I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE STORY IS JUST CRAZY PEOPLE. I LOVE THE SISTER DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD COKE IN SPAIN. OR HOW EVERYONE EVERYWHERE APPARENTLY BOUGHT THAT SOMEONE HAD DYED HIS EYES WITH NO QUESTION. I LOVE THAT DETECTIVE MATLOCK THERE WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAT SEEMED LIKE HE HAD THINGS TOGETHER BUT EVEN HE STARTED GOING OFF ON COLD WAR SPY PARANOIA. PS. I TOTALLY STARTED TO THINK 'WAIT DID THEY JUST KILL THE KID?" WAY BEFORE THAT ACTUALLY CAME UP IN THE MOVIE, THEY TOTALLY KILLED THEIR KID. RIGHT?

Dear Zachary [movie, nonfiction]

WELP, THAT WAS A GRIM MOVIE. THE BEST PART WAS THE PART THEY KEPT LOOPING THE VIDEO OF THE WOMAN TALKING AND READING QUOTES. PS. THE MUSIC THEY USED SOUNDED LIKE THE START OF THE DRAKKEN MUSIC AND THAT WAS DISTRACTING.

Giant Mechanical Man [movie]

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT THINK OF THIS AS A PREQUEL TO THE OFFICE. PAM IS PAM. PS: THIS MOVIE SUCCESSFUL MADE TOPHER GRACE THE WORST PERSON.

It's a Disaster [movie]

I DON'T KNOW I GUESS THIS WAS AN OKAY MOVIE AND IT SET UP A REALLY GOOD PREMISE AND SOME GOOD CHARACTERS BUT THEN IT KINDA JUST RAN OUT OF STEAM AND DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE AND I  MEAN THEY FORESHADOWED THE GAG ENDING BUT IT WAS STILL DUMB. I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE COULD MAKE BASICALLY THIS MOVIE AND HAVE MADE IT BE A REALLY GOOD MOVIE. PS. OH YEAH, THEY DID, IT WAS CALLED 'THIS IS THE END'.