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Showing posts from December, 2014

Pee-wee's Playhouse: Christmas Special [television]

I HAVE TRIED TO WATCH PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE FAIRLY RECENTLY AND I AM GOING TO BE HONEST, THE NUMBER OF DUMB PUBLIC DOMAIN CARTOONS AND CHEAP CUT AWAY ANIMATION SEGMENTS PUSHES THE KILLER TO FILLER RATIO TO A POINT IT'S HARD TO WATCH, BUT THIS SPECIAL GOES IN THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND IS AMAZING FROM START TO END. IT'S SO GOOD. PS. THIS IS MY 1000TH REVIEW. I'M NOT GOING TO PUT IT ON THIS BUT FROM NOW ON I'M GOING TO START TAGGING THINGS THAT ARE REALLY SPECIAL AS [AMAZING] SO I CAN FIND IT BETTER. FIGURED THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO START THAT. THINK THINGS LIKE TROLL 2 OR THE ROOM FOR THAT TAG, NOT ACTUALLY GOOD MOVIES. REVIEWS I WANT TO FIND AGAIN FREQUENTLY.

Wild at Heart [movie]

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I MISS THE EXISTENCE OF A DAVID LYNCH MOVIE THAT STARED NICK CAGE!?!? PS. NICK CAGE TALKING LIKE JAMES DEAN ELVIS NO LESS!

Magic Sword [movie]

THIS MOVIE SORT OF HAS A REPUTATION OF BEING ONE OF THE BETTER MOVIES THAT WAS ON MST3K, BUT THAT DIDN'T SEEM TRUE AT ALL. THIS MOVIE SEEMED UNWATCHABLE EVEN WITH MST3K. STUFF LIKE SPECIAL EFFECTS WERE BAD BUT I GUESS FOR 1963 WERE PRETTY OKAY. PS. I WATCHED THIS AND THEN CHRISTMAS STORY IN ONE DAY AND MADE SOME AMAZING CONNECTION THAT THE MST3K CREW MADE SOME REFERENCE AND NOW I HAVE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN WHAT THAT AMAZING CONNECTION EVEN WAS.

The Interview [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS SORT OF NOTHING. IT WASN'T ESPECIALLY GOOD BUT IT WASN'T THE WORST MOVIE EITHER. IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER SETH ROGAN MOVIE AND EVERY JOKE WAS 100% PREDICTABLE. I DO HOLD A CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT THE HACK WAS REAL BUT THEN EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT BEYOND THAT POINT AND EVERY SINGLE ACTION ABOUT PULLING AND THEN NOT PULLING THIS MOVIE THEN RELEASING IT ON YOUTUBE WAS ALL A PLOT TO MAKE AN EVENT OUT OF A CLEARLY DESTINED TO BOMB NOTHING MOVIE. PS. MY DAD GOT ALL EXCITED ABOUT THIS BEING ON YOUTUBE AND SO I BOUGHT IT FOR HIM FOR CHRISTMAS THEN HE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO WATCH IT?

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth [movie]

THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY CAME OUT BEFORE 'SCARY MOVIE' BUT IS PRETTY MUCH THE EXACT SAME THING. THE MOVIE ITSELF WAS TERRIBLE AND NOT FUNNY AT ALL BUT SOME OF THE BACKGROUND JOKES WERE KINDA OKAY? IN A FORBIDDEN ZONE/TROMA SORT OF WAY? PS. KELLY WAS IN THIS ONE.

Lucky Christmas [movie]

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOVIES WHERE THEY CLEARLY WROTE THE KID AS A MUCH YOUNGER KID THEN HIRED AN OLDER KID BUT KEPT THE SCRIPT ALL THE SAME SO THE KID SEEMS REALLY REALLY DUMB OR SOMETHING. PS. STARRING JESSIE

How High [movie]

WHY WAS THIS EVEN CALLED HOW HIGH? HOW HIGH WOULD BE THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE IF THEY WERE GOING TO HIGHSCHOOL. WHY WAS THIS MOVIE NOT CALLED HIGHER EDUCATION? IT IS A TITLE THAT MAKES A MILLION TIMES MORE SENSE. PS. LISA TURTLE WASN'T REALLY IN MANY MOVIES.  WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN?

12 Dates of Christmas [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS GROUNDHOG DAY BUT ON CHRISTMAS EVE.  IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS GOING FOR SEVERAL THEMES BUT THEN JUST SORT OF NEVER DID ANY OF THEM. LIKE SHE THOUGHT THE OLD LADY WHO WAS ALONE WAS JUST A SAD LOSER BUT IT TURNED OUT SHE REALLY WAS AN EXCITING CAKE LADY AND BEING ALONE WASN'T SO BAD? BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT SHE JUST NEEDED A MAN AFTER ALL I GUESS? PS. THIS MOVIE STARED ZACK FROM SAVED BY THE BELL.

Big Money Rustlas [movie]

HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME INSAINE CLOWN POSSE MADE A WESTERN? GUESS WHAT! IT'S EXACTLY AS BAD AS THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BE. (ACTUALLY I AM LIEING, IT WAS REALLY REALLY BAD BUT THERE WAS A COUPLE JOKES THAT WERE SORT OF FUNNY SO I GUESS THAT IS A STEP ABOVE WHAT IT SEEMED LIKE IT'D BE?) PS. DUSTIN DIAMOND WAS IN THIS, THIS IS MY NEW THING: WATCHING A MOVIE FOR EACH SAVED BY THE BELL CAST MEMBER.

Holiday in Handcuffs [movie]

WHAT A WEIRD MOVIE. LIKE SHE KIDNAPPED AC SLATER THEN LIKE EVERY ATTEMPT HE MADE TO ESCAPE WAS SO HALF HEARTED. LIKE HE TRIED THINGS THEN THE FIRST SECOND THEY DIDN'T WORK HE JUST TOTALLY GAVE UP. SHE WAS POINTING A GUN AT HIS BALLS! THEN IN THE END THEY GOT MARRIED? WHAT? PS. SOMEONE MADE ME WATCH THIS!

Christmas With the Kranks [movie]

I KNOW I'M NOT EXACTLY BREAKING ANY GROUND BY POINTING OUT THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED UP BUT GOD IS THIS MOVIE FUCKED UP. THE TOWN IS SO MEAN TO THEM! IT'S WEIRD TOO BECAUSE THE PLOT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE IT ALL THE WAY WHERE THEY ACTUALLY WERE SKIPPING CHRISTMAS, THEY WERE STILL DOING SOME BIG TRIP THING THAT WAS A BIG CELEBRATION AND IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. PS. 'COMEDY' CRUELTY TO CATS.

Lady Gaga & The Muppets' Holiday Spectacular [movie]

THIS IS BASICALLY A LADY GAGA THING THAT HAS MUPPETS INSTEAD OF A MUPPET THING THAT HAS LADY GAGA. IT'S REALLY WEIRD AND SEXUAL AND SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. PS. I LIKE THAT THEY GENDER FLIPPED BABY IT'S COLD OUT SIDE SO THEY COULD DATE RAPE THE KID FROM THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN.

All God's Children Can Dance [movie]

BOY THIS SURE WAS A BUNCH OF DIALOG THAT SOUNDED PRETTY OKAY IN A BOOK BUT SOUNDED REALLY SUPER STUPID WHEN SPOKEN ALOUD. "I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME, AND WE WILL HAVE A CHILD, A BOY, AND HE WILL HAVE A LARGE PENIS'. PS. HOW IN THE WORLD DID THIS END UP BEING ABOUT A CHINESE FAMILY LIVING IN KOREATOWN IN LA?

After the quake [book]

THIS IS ANOTHER MURAKAMI SHORT STORY COLLECTION, THIS TIME ALL ON A VAGUE SET OF THEMES. I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF THESE STORIES SUFFERED BY BEING SHORT STORIES, LIKE I GET THE INTENT OF CUTTING SOMETHING OFF EARLY IS TO LET THE AUDIENCE DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BUT A LOT OF THESE JUST ENDED MIDSTORY AND ONE OF THE STORIES EVEN INVOLVED A WRITER WHO WAS COMPLAINING HE WROTE SHORT STORIES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOVELS. PS. THEY MADE "ALL GOD'S CHILDREN CAN DANCE" INTO A MOVIE? I WONDER IF THE MOVIE MAKES IT MORE COHERENT, THAT WAS THE BEST STORY IN THIS AND THE ONE THAT ENDED MOST ABRUPTLY.

Birdman [movie]

I FEEL LIKE I SEE A LOT OF MOVIES AND AM REASONABLY INTELLIGENT AND SO THERE ARE FEW MOVIES WHERE I FEEL TOO DUMB FOR, I THINK MAYBE THE LIST OF MOVIES I AM TOO DUMB FOR INCLUDES 'THE WRESTLER" AND "SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK'. WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY THOSE TOO MOVIES PUT TOGETHER. PS. OKAY, AM I CRAZY OR IN A BUNCH OF SCENES WERE THERE NAKED PEOPLE RUNNING BY AT THE VERY VERY FAR END OF THE LIMIT OF THE CAMERA'S FOCUS?

Wolf of Wallstreet [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THEY ASKED LIKE 7 BILLION FAMOUS PEOPLE TO BE IN THIS THEN ASKED THEM ALL TO TALK IN A SLIGHTLY SILLY VOICE. PS. THIS HAD LIKE 5 PLACES IT SEEMED LIKE THE MOVIE WAS OVER BUT THEN KEPT GOING.

Burt's Buzz [movie. nonfiction]

MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS IS HOW ANNOYED AND EXASPERATED BY BURT HIS MANSERVANT GUY IS BUT HOW LITTLE BURT NOTICES AND ALSO HOW MUCH THE TAIWAN GIRL WANTS HIM TO LIKE HER AND HOW LITTLE HE NOTICED THAT TOO. PS. I MOSTLY WATCHED THIS TO SEE IF IT WOULD EXPLAIN THAT COMMERCIAL, IT DIDN'T, NOTHING EVER WILL.

Arthur Christmas [movie]

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERY SINGLE COMPUTER ANIMATED MOVIE NOT MADE BY PIXAR IS THE STORY ABOUT A SON OF A GRUFF DAD WHO IS SMALL AND SEMI EFFEMINATE THAT ISN'T REALLY BOOK SMART BUT IS VERY CREATIVE PROVING THEMSELVES? IS THAT HOW COMPUTER ANIMATORS SEE THEMSELVES? PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE MISSED A BIG OPPORTUNITY BY BRINGING UP THE CONCEPT THAT THERE WAS TIME WHEN SANTA FUCKED UP AND COULD NOT GO OUT FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF IT AND NOT HAVING THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN MODERN TIMES AS A WINK TO ALL THE ADULTS WATCHING AS SOME "SANTA WAS REAL BEFORE YOU WERE A KID AND AFTER YOU WERE A KID, YOU JUST MISSED IT".

SongHealer [short story]

EVEN THOUGH THIS CAME OUT IN 1994 I KINDA ALMOST EXPECTED THE FIRST PART TO TURN INTO "YOUR A WIZARD/I'M A WHAT/I PUT MY DICK IN THAT SHITTY OWL'. THE DESCRIPTION OF THE SONG HEALING WAS P. GOOD AND INTERESTING. PS. I AM SUPPORTIVE!

Tusk [movie]

THIS IS A MOVIE THAT HAD GOOD PARTS AND BAD PARTS. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THE WAY THIS MOVIE WAS CREATED IS THE BEST THING EVER AND BASICALLY MY DREAM, IT EXACTLY SOMEONE SAYING "WE SHOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT...." THEN SOMEHOW MAKING THAT MOVIE. ALSO JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE MADE ME LOOK UP DUPLESSIS ORPHANS AND HOLY CRAP HOW THE HELL IS IT THAT I NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE? JESUS CHRIST. PS. THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS THE VERY UNDERSTATED JOKE OF HAVING THE VERY SELF OBVIOUS NAME 'MR TUSKS' HAVE AN ORIGIN STORY.

The Badadook [movie]

SOMEONE MENTIONED THIS MOVIE ON FACEBOOK THEN I LOOKED IT UP AND SOMEONE SAID IT IS "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE" IF THE MOVIE FOCUSED ON THE MOTHER AND HOLY CRAP IT IS THAT SO MUCH. PS. I GUESS I GET THE IDEA THEY WERE GOING WITH FOR THE ENDING BUT BOY DID THIS MOVIE TURN MORE AND MORE HALF ASSED AS THEY GOT TOWARDS THE END AND USED THE MOST GENERIC DINOSAUR SOUNDS EVER.

Patema Inverted [movie, anime]

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN 'UPSIDE DOWN' LOOKED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO THE BEST MOVIE EVER BUT THEN IT WAS REALLY DULL? AND IT FELT SAD SOMEONE RUINED THE PREMISE? WELL GOOD NEWS! ANIME MADE THE EXACT SAME PREMISE MOVIE. AND WELP, IT TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY DULL AGAIN. MAYBE THIS CONCEPT IS NOT ACTUALLY A GOOD CONCEPT. PS. THE BAD GUY WAS VERY CLEARLY SUPPOSED TO BE FROLLO FROM DISNEY HUNCHBACK AND THAT SEEMED WEIRD AND DISTRACTING.

Hand to Mouth: Living in Bootstrap America [book, nonfiction]

BASICALLY THIS IS JUST THE SAME BOOK AS NICKLE AND DIMED. THE BOOK IS BASICALLY ONLY LIKE 113 PAGES OF ACTUAL BOOK BUT I KEPT HAVING TO PUT IT DOWN BECAUSE IT WAS BASICALLY GIVING ME PANIC ATTACKS. PS. I AM PRETTY SURE THE AUTHOR THINKS SOUTH KOREA IS A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY.

Black Mirror [television]

THIS WAS REALLY GOOD. EVERY EPISODE STARTED IN A WAY THAT MADE ME SAY 'WELP, THIS IS FINALLY A BAD EPISODE' THEN BY THE END EVERY EPISODE WAS GOOD. IT WAS TWILIGHT ZONE BUT ABOUT FUTURE TECHNOLOGY BUT WITHOUT EVEN ONE EPISODE WHERE TECHNOLOGY HAS GONE MAD. ALSO THEY HAD SEX WITH THE TECHNOLOGY IN A LOT OF EPISODES? PS. JESUS CHRIST THE 'BRITISH SEASONS IS SHORT' JOKE IS OVERPLAYED BUT GOD DAMN IT WHAT SORT OF SHOW HAS THREE EPISODES A SEASON? THEY AREN'T EVEN 60 MINUTE EPISODES!

Phase IV [movie]

WHY DON'T THEY MAKE SCI-FI ABOUT ANTS ANYMORE? I FEEL LIKE LOTS OF OLD SCI-FI IS ANT BASED AND I CAN'T THINK OF THE LAST ANT BASED MOVIE AT ALL. WHY DON'T THEY MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF LEININGEN VERSUS THE ANTS? THAT'S NOT SCIFI BUT THAT IS A FAMOUS STORY, IT COULD BE LIKE HOW THEY MADE WALTER MITTY. PS. THE END WAS THE BEST PART OF THIS AND THE INTERNET SAYS THERE WAS ORIGINALLY A GREATLY EXTENDED ENDING AND THAT IS THE SADDEST THING.

Rumors of War [movie]

THIS WAS CHRISTIAN SCI-FI AND WAS ABOUT AS BAD AS YOU WOULD IMAGINE THAT WOULD BE. BUT I GUESS NOT EXACTLY BAD ENOUGH TO BE FUNNY BAD, MOSTLY JUST BORING I GUESS? PS. I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WATCHED THE BOOK OF ELI AND WANTED TO MAKE IT MORE RELIGIOUS BUT LIKE, BY MAKING THE BOOK NOT THE BIBLE? TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE CHRISTIAN?

Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure [movie]

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PS. THEY DIDN'T EVEN PLAY HOLIDAY ROADS.

Fun in Balloon Land [movie]

OKAY, ITS CLICHE THAT PEOPLE USED TO SAY "GAY" TO MEAN HAPPY AND THAT IS FUNNY BUT JESUS CHRIST NOTHING IN BALLOON LAND IS DESCRIBED EVER AS ANYTHING BUT GAY OVER AND OVEF. PS. RIFFTRACK

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS WEIRD BECAUSE THEY DID A REALLY INTERESTING THING OF MAKING IT A MOVIE ABOUT PROPAGANDA FAR MORE DIRECTLY THAN THE BOOK WAS. BUT THEN THEY DID A THING WHERE THEY GOT ALL META AND WERE REALLY EXPLICIT IN CALLING OUT THE MOVIE ITSELF AS PROPAGANDA? LIKE TO THE POINT THEY SHOWED THE MOVIE LOGO AND TRAILER IN THE MOVIE? AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS? WAS THIS MOVIE TRYING TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO GO MURDER OBAMA OR SOMETHING? PS. I LIKE THAT THEY DECIDED GALE HAD A FUTURE CELL PHONE OF SOME SORT BUT YOU CAN JUST TELL THAT THEY HAD A DISCUSSION WHERE THEY COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE AND PROMISED TO NEVER EVER SHOW IT ON SCREEN SO HE ONLY EVER USED IT AT WAIST LEVEL WITH THE CAMERA CUTTING IT OFF.

Justice League Adventures - Trapped In Time [movie]

THIS WAS A DIRECT TO VIDEO, ONLY AVAILABLE AT TARGET REMAKE OF THE SUPER FRIENDS AND IT WASN'T VERY GOOD AT ALL I HAVE VERY LITTLE IDEA WHY I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE. PS. THE GIMMICK WAS THEY INTENTIONALLY HIRED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE FROM CARTOONS THAT HAD RECENTLY BEEN CANCELED AND SO IT WAS KINDA LIKE WHEN THE GIRLS FROM YOUNG JUSTICE WERE IN SCOOBY DOO WWE ADVENTURE.