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Showing posts from December, 2020

Death to 2020 [movie]

 Death to 2020 [movie] EH. THE BLACK MIRROR GUY MADE A FAKE PARODY 2020 RETROSPECTIVE THING AND IT MOSTLY WASN'T THAT FUNNY. I THINK IT WAS MOSTLY JUST STUFF THAT WAS TOO RECENT SO IT DIDN'T WORK ON A "HEY REMEMBER THAT?" TYPE LEVEL. MAYBE WATCH THIS IN LIKE 8 YEARS OR SOMETHING.  PS. A FEW JOKES WERE FUNNY AND I WAS GOING TO SAY "AT LEAST _____ WAS FUNNY" BUT I WAITED 10 MINUTES TO WRITE THIS REVIEW AND FORGOT ANYTHING THAT WAS FUNNY SO THAT IS MY REVIEW. 

Songbird [movie]

 Songbird [movie] THIS IS THAT COVID-23 MOVIE, I REMEMBER THINKING THE IDEA OF THIS MOVIE EXISTING WAS HILARIOUS BUT IT CAME OUT LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO AND NO ONE NOTICED, IT'S A REAL NOTHING MOVIE, OF COURSE IT IS, OF COURSE IT WAS WRITTEN AND SHOT IN LIKE A WEEK. IT'S LIKE 90% TIME WASTING FILER SCENES. IT'S LIKE TEN MINUTES OF STUFF SHOT TO BE LIKE THE OPENING OF THE DIVISION THEN JUST HIM RIDING A BIKE BACK AND FORTH A LOT. PS. THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION THING IS SO WEIRD, LIKE WHY? TAKE THAT GARBAGEMAN

Wonder Woman: 1984 [movie]

Wonder Woman: 1984 [movie] GOD THIS MOVIE IS A MESS. IT FEELS LIKE NINE DRAFTS OF A MOVIE JAMMED TOGETHER. LIKE CINEMASINS STYLE COMPLAINTS ARE USUALLY LAME AS HELL, LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE A PASSPORT (WHY DOES SHE????) SO THEY INSTANTLY NEED TO STEAL A PLANE, AND IT'S INVISBLE, AND THE SEATS MOVE FROM FRONT TO BACK TO SIDE TO SIDE THEN THEY JUST FLY IT BACK HOME FROM EYGPT OFF SCREEN AN NO ONE CARES? ALSO SHE CAN FLY BECAUSE SHE LEARNED FROM STEVE BUT ALSO BECAUSE SHE IS USING HER ROPE ON LIGHTNING THEN SHE IS WEARING THE ULTIMATE ARMOR FROM HER CLOSET? SHE CHANGED IN THE AIR? SHE LEARNED SHE COULD FLY THEN SHE PUT WINGS ON AFTER? GOD, LOTS OF MOVIES HAVE WEIRD PLOT SKIPS BUT THIS MOVIE IS JUST BIZZARE. LIKE JUST EVEN LIKE, HER BEING SO SMUG SHE DOESN'T OWN A TV THEN SHE OWNS LIKE 4 TVS.  PS. LIKE THEY OPEN THE WHOLE MOVIE WITH A WHOLE THING LAYING OUT 'IF CAN'T WIN IF YOU TAKE SHORTCUTS" WHICH IS A VALID THEME FOR A WISH BASED VILLIAN, THEN INSTEAD IT GOES WITH

Klaus [movie]

 Klaus [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REAL GOOD. I KNOW EVERYONE FIGURED THAT OUT YEARS AGO. WAIT? DID THIS MOVIE ONLY COME OUT A YEAR AGO? JESUS CHRIST. I WOULD HAVE SAID THIS WAS LIKE, ONE OF THE FIRST BIG NETFLIX MOVIES OR SOMETHING, BUT NOPE, IT'S ONLY LAST NOVEMBER. WHAT? GOD. TIME.  PS. I LIKE HOW THE WHOLE THING IS THAT IT LOOKS CELL SHADED AND IT'S JUST HAND DRAWN. I LOVE THE CONCEPT OF PUTTING THAT MUCH EFFORT INTO MAKING IT SO GOOD LOOKING NO ONE REALIZES YOU DREW IT. 

The Midnight Sky [movie]

  The Midnight Sky [movie] THIS MOVIE IS FINE, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LIKE IT MORE THAN I DID, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S TRYING TO TELL A UNIQUE STORY WITH A UNIQUE STYLE BUT EVERY SECOND OF FILM SEEMS LIKE IT'S FROM EIGHT OTHER MOVIES. IT FEELS MORE LIKE 'NEURAL NET CREATES A SCI-FI PLOT" WHERE YOU'D GO "YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T ACTUALLY HALF BAD" WITHOUT ACTUALLY THINKING IT'S GOOD.  PS. FOR SOME REASON THAT IS MOSTLY THE RELEASE DATE AND SETTING MY BRAIN WENT "WAIT, IS THE TWIST GOING TO BE THAT THIS IS THE SCI-FI ORGIN STORY OF SANTA CLAUS!?" AND IT IS SO ABSOLUTELY NOT THAT AND THAT IS SUCH A WILD IDEA AND I WANT TO WATCH THAT MOVIE. 

Hillbilly Elegy [movie]

 Hillbilly Elegy [movie]  NETFLIX WANTED ME TO WATCH THIS MOVIE SO BAD SO I DID. THIS MOVIE SUCKS. I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T EVEN QUITE DESCRIBE WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT BUT IT JUST SUCKS. IT FEELS LIKE THE STORY OF A GUY THAT WENT TO APALACHIA ONCE ON A WEEKEND THEN GRADUATED FROM YALE AND IMMEDIATELY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT HOW GREAT HE WAS, AND THAT SEEMS LIKE THAT IS ABOUT WHAT THIS IS. I READ THE REVIEWS NOW AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE BOOK IS HARD CORE CONSERVATIVE FANFICTION BUT THE MOVIE ISN'T EVEN THAT. IT FEELS VERY MUCH LIKE A STORY SOMEONE COULD TELL ABOUT THEIR LIFE TOLD BY SOMEONE THAT SHOULD HAVE LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT.  PS. THE ONLY GOOD PART IS HOW MUCH THE GRANDMA LOOKS LIKE GARFIELD'S GRANDMA. 

The Outer Worlds [game]

 The Outer Worlds [game] THIS ISN'T A SUPER UNIQUE OPINON BUT MAN WHAT A LET DOWN. THIS GAME IS SO TOTALLY FINE, IT'S AN OKAY GAME, IT'S FINE. BUT LIKE, IT'S THE SPIRTUAL SEQUEL TO NEW VEGAS, IT SO BLATENTLY AND OPENLY TRIES TO BE THAT, IT SHOULD BE OBSIDIAN'S TRUMPHANT RETURN BUT IT IS THE MOST C- GAME EVER MADE. IT'S LIKE THE EMBODYMENT OF RUNNING OUT OF STEAM, LIKE THE FIRST AREA/QUEST ISN'T TOTALLY MIND BLOWING OR ANYTHING BUT IT'S SOLIDLY A LEVEL OF WRITING THAT IS REASONABLY IN LINE WITH A GOOD FALLOUT QUEST, YOU GET A GOOD MORAL CHOICE WITH DIFFERENT PATHS TO SOLVE IT, YOU GOT MEMORABLEISH CHARACTERS, IT'S A GOOD START, THEN LIKE, THE SECOND AREA IS JUST KINDA BLAND BUT OKAY, THEN THE THIRD AREA IS A BALL OF LIKE 20 QUESTS THAT HAVE ZERO COHERENT WRITING AND TEN TRILLION CHARACTERS THAT SEEM IMPORTANT BUT GET ZERO REAL SCREENTIME THEN THERE IS A FINAL AREA WHERE THE QUESTS JUST SEEM TO BE MISSING, THEN THE GAME IS OVER AND IT'S TEN HOURS T

Hunt for the Wilderpeople [movie]

 Hunt for the Wilderpeople [movie] I DON'T THINK THIS IS ANY SORT OF BREAKING NEWS, BUT THIS MOVIE IS EXTREMELY GOOD.  PS. IT'S ON NETFLIX, JUST WATCH IT

Straight Up [movie]

 Straight Up [movie] THIS MOVIE IS LIKE IF LIKE WES ANDERSON OR SOMETHING WROTE YOUNG SHELDON.  PS. THIS MOVIE IS LIKE DOUBLE REVERSE CHASING AMY. 

Cleopatra [movie, anime]

 Cleopatra [movie, anime]   THE GUY THAT INVENTED ANIME, THE ASTROBOY GUY, MADE A WEIRD SCI-FI HISTORICAL WEIRDLY HORNY ANIME HISTORY OF CLEOPATRA IN 1970 AND IT'S NOT VERY GOOD AND IT'S SORT OF BORING BUT I AM LOSING MY MIND AT HOW MUCH WEIRD LITTLE ANIMATION BITS ARE IN THIS, LIKE THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WHOLE THING WAS LIKE, HOW MUCH THEY SQUISHED HER TO PUT HER IN A LAUNDRY BAG OR LIKE THE 2 FRAME JOKE OF THE GUY USING THE FACE MOLD ON HER BOOB THEN LOOKING AT THE CAMERA BEFORE FIXING IT. ALSO THE WEIRD MONKEYS PARODY SONG WAS LOL.  PS. WHY HAS NO MOVIE BEEN DONE IN THE STYLE OF THE SCI-FI PARTS? IT DIDN'T LOOK AMAZING BUT IT WAS A SUPER CREATIVE THING I CAN'T REALLY THINK OF SEEING BEFORE. LIKE A REVERSE CLUTCH CARGO 

Modest Heroes [movie,anime]

 Modest Heroes [movie,anime] I FEEL LIKE THIS HIT THE CHECKBOXES FOR BEING A GOOD ANIME ANTHOLOGY MOVIE. LIKE, SEVERAL SHORTS WITH VERY STRONG CENTRAL PREMISES BUT THEN ONLY A LITTLE STORY SO YOU FORGET YOU WATCHED IT THEN LIKE TEN YEARS LATER CAN GO "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ANIME WHERE EVERYONE WAS LITTLE AND CAUGHT FISH WITH CRAB CLAWS" JUST LIKE THE WAY YOU COULD BE A REDDIT POINT MILLIONARE JUST BY CAMPING OUT IN R/TIPOFMYTONGUE JUST SAYING "MEMORIES" OR ROBOT CARNIVAL EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS A WEIRD ANIME THEY CAN'T REMEMBER.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THE THIRD SEGMENT EXISTS SOLELY BECAUSE SOMEONE THOUGHT NOT DRAWING A FACE BUT PUTTING WATER DROPS ON IT WOULD BE HARD TO ANIMATE, AND I BET THAT IS, BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY LOOK THAT GOOD. 

The Tree of Blood [movie]

 The Tree of Blood [movie] I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE TONE OF THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. IT FEELS LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A MEANINGFUL SPANISH DRAMA BUT THE ENGLISH DUBBING MAKES IT AS GOOFY AS FRIG. I ALMOST WANT TO RECOMMEND WATCHING IT JUST FOR THE WEIRD LINE DELIVERY. (BUT IT GOES ON KINDA TOO LONG SO MAYBE NOT).  PS. I WATCHED THIS RANDOM MOVIE LITERALLY SOLELY BECAUSE THE ONE LINE DESCRIPTION MADE IT SEEM LIKE IT WAS GOING TO BE THE ZAYN'S HEART COPYPASTA THING MADE INTO A SERIOUS MOVIE, WHICH IS A HILARIOUS IDEA. IT WAS NOT THOUGH.

The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two [movie]

 The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two [movie] THIS MOVIE IS LIKE, WEIRDLY.... BLASPHEMOUS? LIKE I DON'T KNOW SANTA NEEDS A WEIRD ANIME BACKSTORY WHERE HE CAPTURES THE POWER OF THE STAR OF BETHLEHEM? IT FEELS LIKE A LOT TO HAVE HIM RECITING A CAPTURE SPELL ABOUT CHRIST AND MALCHIOR.  PS. I DO LIKE THE LORE THAT SANTA IS LOCKED IN ETERNAL PHYSICAL BATTLE WITH THE "YULE CAT" WHO HE JUST HAS TO CHASE AROUND ALL YEAR TRYING TO KILL

Mulan [movie]

 Mulan [movie] I KNOW ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE ORIGINAL WAS LITERALLY AN ACTUAL DRAGON SO I CAN'T WHINE ABOUT REALISIM IN MULANS BUT LIKE, WHY DID THEY ADD A WHOLE STORY WHERE THERE IS A SECONDARY ANTAGONIST THAT IS A WITCH? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I EVEN LOOKED UP IF IT'S SOME ELEMENT FROM THE ORIGINAL LEGEND AND IT'S DEFINITLY NOT, THEY JUST HAVE A WITCH IN THIS AND ALSO MULAN IS A WITCH, AND SHE DID AN EXTREMELY COOL FLIP KICK OFF A HORSE WHERE SHE REFLECTED A SPEAR INTO SOME DUDE'S CHEST AND AT LEAST THAT PART OF THE MOVIE WAS GOOD.  PS. I TORRENTED THIS MOVIE FOR NO REAL REASON WHEN IT CAME OUT JUST TO SAY 'SCREW YOU' TO THE WEIRD PRICING OF IT WITHOUT A REAL PLAN TO WATCH IT THEN COMCAST SENT ME A LETTER SAYING DISNEY WROTE THEM A LETTER TO TELL ME TO STOP PRIATING MULAN SO I DECIDED I SHOULD AT LEAST WATCH IT IF IT'S GONNA BE A STRIKE ON MY CABLE ACCOUNT.