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Showing posts from September, 2021

My Little Pony: A New Generation [movie]

 My Little Pony: A New Generation [movie] THIS WAS FAIRLY BORING BUT LOL AT THE PREMISE. ITS CANONICALLY SET HUNDREDS OF YEARS AFTER THE LAST SHOW AND ITS MODERN DAY AND EVERYONE ON PONY EARTH HAS BECOME VERY RACIST. PS. THIS FEELS LIKE IT WAS SPECIFICALLY A TRUMP BASED TAKE ON RACISM AND TOOK TOO LONG TO COME OUT

Prisoners of the Ghostland [movie, amazing]

 Prisoners of the Ghostland [movie, amazing] OH MY GOD, THIS MOVIE RULES SO MUCH. IT'S THE NEAR FUTURE AND A NUCLEAR WASTE TRUCK CRASHED INTO A DANGEROUS PRISONER TRANSPORT AND THAT CAUSED THE (WORLD? JAPAN? ONE SMALL TOWN??????) TO BECOME AN APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND THAT IS 1800S JAPAN THAT IS ALSO MODERN DAY THAT IS ALSO A COWBOY TOWN AND NIC CAGE HAS TO BE A DERANGED MAD MAX FALLOUT GUY TO RESCUE A GIRL AND IT ALL RULES SO MUCH. PS. ALSO NIC CAGE HAS ONE TESTICLE AND A SWORD FOR AN ARM.

Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer [book]

Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer [book] I GENERALLY ABSOLUTELY HATE MYSTERY NOVELS SO MY METHOD FOR PICKING AN AGATHA AWARD WINNER WAS TO FIND THE DUMBEST SOUNDING BOOK AND 'THEODORE BOON: KID LAWYER" BY JOHN GRISHAM WINS AS ABOUT THE DUMBEST MOST OUTLANDISH TITLE FOR A BOOK IMAGINABLE.   PS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT HE'S NOT A KID DETECTIVE, SO THE WHOLE CRUX OF THE BOOK HAD TO BE HIM DOING SOMETHING LAWYERISH, BUT THAT IS NOTHING, SO THE WHOLE CRUX OF THE WHOLE STORY IS BASED ON A 13 YEAR OLD UPHOLDING ATTORNEY CLIENT PRIVILEGE UNTIL HE CAN NEGOTIATE AN IMMUNITY DEAL. 

Candyman [movie]

Candyman [movie] FIRST OF ALL, THIS MOVIE IS GOOD, NONE OF THIS IS TO SAY IT'S BAD. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THIS MOVIE USED A LOT OF POWERFUL IMAGERY BUT IT FELT LIKE IT NEVER GOT TO A CENTRAL POINT WITH IT. LIKE IT FEELS LIKE THE ACTUAL CORRECT STORY THAT THIS HINTED AT IS THE IDEA IF OVER ALL OF HISTORY THEY KEEP UNJUSTLY KILLING BLACK MEN THAT EVENTUALLY LIKE BEES THEY WILL SWARM TOGETHER AND BE A CANDYMAN AS AVENGING ANGEL. BUT THEN THEY ALSO SEEM LIKE THEY JUST KINDA SHOWED CANDYMAN JUST KINDA KILLING WHOEVER. LIKE WHAT DID RACIAL JUSTICE GET OUT OF KILLING BOOF? OR CLIVE? I GUESS IT CAN BE SOME 'IF YOU WANT MONSTERS YOU GET MONSTERS" OR SOMETHING, BUT IT FELT LIKE THE MOVIE JUST KINDA WANDERED AROUND A LITTLE AND MUDDLED UP THE POINT IT WAS MAKING. WHY YOU GOTTA KILL BOOF?  PS. WE WATCHED THIS MINUTES AFTER WATCHING THE ORIGINAL SO IT WAS VERY EXCITING FOR THE RETURNING CAST AND CHARACTERS TO SHOW UP AND I LOVE THEY TOLD THE HELEN STORY SLIGHTLY WRONG BECAUSE THAT FITS EX

Carrie Pilby [movie]

 Carrie Pilby [movie] I FEEL LIKE THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE A QUIRKY SASSY SMART TEEN AND INSTEAD MADE THE MOST RANCID PERSON IMAGINABLE.  PS. ALSO THIS MOVIE TRYING TO THREAD THE NEEDLE WITH HER BOYFRIEND WAS THE WORST. LIKE IT WAS SO CLEARLY TRYING FOR SOME 'NO SEE, HE'S A BAD BOYFRIEND BUT HE'S LEGALLY NOT A PEDOPHILE SO THAT PART IS OKAY, BUT SEE, HE'S JUST REGULAR BAD BUT I REPEAT, HE IS LEGALLY OKAY AND NOT A PEDOPHILE" IT WAS SO WEIRD AND GROSS. 

Intrusion [movie]

 Intrusion [movie] FOR HOW MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE THIS MANAGED TO BE THE MOST NOTHING MOVIE EVER WRITTEN. I EVEN FORGOT TO WRITE THIS REVIEW FOR DAYS BECAUSE I FORGOT I WATCHED IT INSTANTLY. PS. THE REAL INTRUSION WAS THE BREAST CANCER WE GOT ALONG THE WAY

Deltarune: Chapter 2 [game]

 Deltarune: Chapter 2 [game] MAN, YOU THINK AT SOME POINT TOBY FOX WOULD RUN OUT OF STEAM OR THAT BEING THE SECOND CHAPTER OUT OF 7 THIS WOULD BE SOME SORT OF LESSER GAME BUT NOPE, THIS RULES. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WHOLE TONE OF THERE BEING A CYBERQUEEN AND YOU ASSUMING IT WILL BE SOME SORT OF GLADOS (WHO WAS ALREADY A PARODY) AND IT JUST BEING A THOUSAND TIMES SILLIER THAN THAT. THIS ALL RULES SO MUCH. I'M GONNA BE A BIG SHOT.  PS. YEAH, I KNOW ABOUT THE SNOWGRAVE STUFF. I WANT TO PLAY ALL THE CHAPTERS 'BLIND' THEN GO BACK WHEN THEY ARE ALL OUT AND PLAY ALL THE HYPER SPECIFIC 'YOU NEED A GUIDE' STUFF ALL AT ONCE. ALSO, THE SNOWGRAVE STUFF LOOKS LEGITIMATELY UPSETTING AND I DON'T WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT IS THE POINT AND I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE IT'S SO WELL WRITTEN BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY FINISHED THE GENOCIDE ROUTE IN UNDERTALE BECAUSE I WAS GETTING SO IRL BOTHERED BY IT. I LEGITIMATELY DON'T KNOW I COULD HANDLE SNOWGRAVE AT ALL RIGHT NOW! SO I

Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law [book, audiobook, nonfiction]

Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law [book, audiobook, nonfiction] ONCE AGAIN STRETCHING CATEGORIES TO COUNT A BRAND NEW BOOK AS "A BOOK BY AN AUTHOR I LOVE" BUT I LOVE MARY ROACH, I LOVE HOW SHE STARTED OUT WRITING ABOUT BIG EXCITING TOPICS BUT REALIZED EVERYONE JUST LIKES HER WRITING SO NOW PICKS VERY DULL TOPICS AND THEN MAKES THEM GREAT BY BEING SUPER MARY ROACHY ABOUT IT. THIS IS JUST A BOOK ABOUT ANIMAL CONTROL ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND IT'S GREAT.  PS. ALSO A CHAPTER ABOUT BEANS. 

Jennifer's Body [movie]

 Jennifer's Body [movie] I FEEL LIKE THERE HAS BEEN MULTIPLE INDEPENDENT TIMES I'VE PRETENDED I'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE I WOULD HAVE, SO I WATCHED IT BECAUSE IT'S LEAVING AMAZON AND I THINK MAYBE I HAVE ACTUALLY WATCHED IT BEFORE??? PS. THATS MY REVIEW

Monster Train [game]

 Monster Train [game] I DON'T KNOW. THIS GAME WAS POPULAR ON YOUTUBE A WHILE AGO SO WHEN THE GAME AND EXPANTION WERE ON SWITCH I THOUGHT I SHOULD PLAY IT, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S A GOOD GAME BUT I HATE THIS GAME SO MUCH, LIKE THE LATER ASCENSION LEVELS ARE SO HARD IN SUCH AN UNFUN WAY, LIKE THE GAME IS GREAT, BUT THEN THE LAST FIVE LEVELS OR SO ARE SO UNFUN AND TAKE LIKE 10X AS MUCH TIME AS THE WHOLE REST OF THE GAME COMBINED. LIKE I JUST SUCK AT THE GAME BUT GOD.  PS. I STILL LIKE THE CONCEPTUAL MESS WHERE CLEARLY THE INTENT WAS IT WAS A TRAIN, BUT THEY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO ANIMATE THAT OR SOMETHING, SO IT'S A WEIRD VERTICAL TRAIN. LIKE ALL THE PREMISES MAKE MORE SENSE IF IT'S TRAIN CARS BUT THEY JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRAW IT LIKE THAT

Paradise Hills [movie]

 Paradise Hills [movie] THIS FEELS LIKE A MOVIE WHERE THEY HIRED A REALLY GOOD COSTUME DESIGNER AND A PRETTY GOOD SET DESIGNER THEN NOTHING ELSE, BUT THEN ALSO NOT QUITE EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD ENOUGH TO LIKE MAKE THIS AN ART FILM WHERE YOU ARE JUST LOOKING AT THE COSTUMES. SO WELP.  PS. SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE MADE ME REMEMBER 'MIRROR MASK' EXISTED. 

Edinburgh [book]

 Edinburgh [book] THIS IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN, IT'S ALSO A PRETTY HARD READ BECAUSE IT'S GOT SOME TRULY HEAVY SUBJECT MATTER. SO I'M NOT GOING TO GOOF ON A REALLY SERIOUS STORY. GOING TO FOCUS ON ONLY ONE ELEMENT: THIS IS THE MOST SET IN MAINE BOOK EVER WRITTEN AND IT WAS MAKING ME INSANE. EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE THING IN THIS BOOK HAS TO BE LOCATED TO A SPECIFIC PLACE IN MAINE. YOU MIGHT THINK THAT IS HOW BOOKS WORK AND HAVING A SETTING WORKS BUT IT'S SO MUCH BEYOND THAT. IT'S NOT JUST CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING AND THEM ALWAYS MAKING SURE TO LIST EXACTLY WHAT CORNER AND STREET IN SOUTH PORTLAND IT'S HAPPENING ON IT'S ALSO SOMEONE USING A BUG NET TRAP AND LATER WRITING A NOTE ON THE RECEIPT SO YOU KNOW THEY BOUGHT THE BUG NET IN AUGUSTA OR SOMEONE SEEING A ROCK AND A TEACHER CHIMING IN THAT A GLACIER HAS CARRIED THAT ROCK FROM ELLSWORTH. IT DIDN'T EVEN SEEM TO HAVE ANY SPECIFIC THEMATIC OR SYMBOLIC REASON TO IT, EVERY SINGLE THING AND EVENT AND OBJECT SEE

Earthlings [book]

 Earthlings [book] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THIS ONE. THE PACING IS AWFUL WEIRD ON THIS. IT STARTS OUT AS A FAIRLY HEAVY STORY OF A YOUNG GIRL SUFFERING MOLESTATION AND ABUSE AND HER ESCAPE TO FANTASY, THEN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY IS COMMENTARY ON SOCIETY AND THE DEMAND PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN AND THE MAIN CHARACTOR OPTING OUT BUT STILL THROUGH THE LENS OF HER MENTAL DISTORTIONS. THEN LIKE, THE VERY LAST PART JUST VERY RAPIDLY GOES OFF THE RAILS INTO BEING SOMETHING VERY JUNJI ITO LOGIC. IT'S CHILLING AND WELL WRITTEN, BUT COME ON, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A VERY CREEPY PASTA STYLE OF WRITING.  LIKE IT JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A PAYOFF TO ANYTHING BEYOND THE VAUGEST "TRAUMA MAKES YOU INHUMAN AND ALIEN SO ESCAPISM IS DOING SOMETHING TABOO". I DIDN'T HATE IT BUT EHHHHH.  PS. I AM AGAIN STREACHING CATAGORIES TO PUT THIS IN "STORY SET IN A PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST' BECAUSE AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THE TOWN IS FICTIONAL BUT ALSO IT'S SET IN AKAISHI

Bad Blood [book, nonfiction]

Bad Blood [book, nonfiction] EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS WAS ALL OVER TECH NEWS FOR YEARS SO READING IT SO MANY YEARS LATER WASN'T REALLY MUCH NEW INFORMATION BUT GOSH THIS BOOK IS SO STRESSFUL TO READ. LIKE CLEARLY IT WASN'T GOING TO WORK BUT EVERY SINGLE CHANCE THEY HAD TO DO SOMETHING THEY NOT ONLY DID IT THE WRONG WAY BUT ALSO LIKE TEN TIMES MORE WRONG THAT SEEMED LIKE WAS NECESSARY. LIKE I GET THE GIMMICK WAS IT'D DO EVERY TEST, BUT IT REALLY FEELS LIKE THE WAY TO SCAM THAT IS MAKE ONE TYPE OF TEST WORK WELL TO BUY TIME ON THE OTHER ONES, NOT MAKE THEM ALL NOT WORK THEN LIE ABOUT ALL OF THEM. IT FEELS LIKE THEY RAN EVERYTHING WITH THE MOST THREE'S COMPANY LOGIC THEY COULD. WHERE THEY CLEARLY HAD A BUNCH OF UNFIXABLE PROBLEMS BUT THEN KEPT GENERATING EVER MORE PROBLEMS FOR THEMSELVES BY REACTING TO THINGS IN WHATEVER WAY WAS THE WORST POSSIBLE. PS. I READ THIS AS A NONVIOLENT TRUECRIME. A CRIME WITH TOO *LITTLE* BLOOD AT THE CRIMESCENE

Level 16 [movie]

 Level 16 [movie] WHY DID THEY HAVE DIFFERENT ACCENTS IF THEY WERE RAISED FROM BIRTH? WHY DID THEY OCCATIONALLY HAVE GEE GOLLY 1950S ACCENTS FROM THE MOVIES BUT NOT MOST OF THE TIME?  PS. I'M NOT POSTING THIS TO FACEBOOK BECAUSE I'M TOO SAD AND I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE FLOW OF SAD POSTING, IF YOU READ THIS HERE, CONGRADULATIONS FOR READING THE SECRET MOVIE REVIEW. 

Pokemon Unite [game]

 Pokemon Unite [game] I GUESS I HAVEN'T PLAYED THIS IS A WEEK SO I'LL COUNT THAT AS ME BEING DONE WITH IT AND DO A REVIEW. IT'S A POKEMON MOBA, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.  IT'S ALSO LITERALLY PAY TO WIN, WHICH IS VERY BAD FOR A GAME LIKE THIS. PS. I DID THE THING I DO IN EVERY MOBA: PLAY A HEALER BECAUSE AN UNORGANIZED TEAM WITH A HEALER IS A MILLION TIMES STRONGER THAN THE OTHER RANDOM TEAM THEN WIN OVER AND OVER UNTIL I HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE 'HIGH' RANKS THEN NOT WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. 

Poms [movie]

Poms [movie] THIS IS "OLD LADY GETS CANCER AND REFUSES TREATMENT AND INSTEAD MOVES TO A RETIREMENT HOME AND BECOMES A CHEERLEADER" AND THE BORING IS BAD AND BORING BUT I LOVE THAT THEY LIVE IN A UNIVERSE EVERYONE IS SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT THEM BEING A TEAM INSTEAD OF ANYONE THINKING IT'S A CUTE NOVELTY OR JUST SOME OLD LADIES PLAYING. LIKE THE TEEN CHEERLEADER TEAM TREATS THEM LIKE A RIVAL TEAM AND IT IS HILARIOUS TO THINK OF ANYONE DOING THAT.  PS. YES I'M WATCHING MOVIES THAT SOUND LIKE THEY WOULD BE 'BUS MOVIES' WHICH IS A GENRE OF MOVIES THAT EXISTS ONLY IN MY OWN MIND. I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THE QUALITIES OF A 'BUS MOVIE' ARE BUT I KNOW THEM WHEN I SEE THEM.