Capital Reviews

After Dark [book] THIS BOOK TAKES PLACE OVER SIX HOURS FROM MIDNIGHT TO DAWN. I LIKED IT. I DO THINK EVERY MURAKAMI BOOK ALWAYS HAS DREAMLIKE ELEMENTS AND AMBIGUOUS ENDING BUT THIS DID JUST FEEL A LITTLE BIT LIKE IT JUST KINDA STOPPED. LIKE THEMATICALLY I GUESS IT'S A NEW DAY WITH NEW POSSIBILITY OR WHATEVER, SO WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD COME, BUT IT IS ALSO A BOOK I HAD TO LOOK UP ONLINE TO SEE HOW MANY PAGES IT HAD TO MAKE SURE I HADN'T GOTTEN A COPY THAT SKIPPED PAGES AT THE END OR SOMETHING. PS. I RELATED TO PRETENDING TO READ THE DENNY'S MENU BEFORE ORDERING CHICKEN SALAD SO MUCH. (ALSO RELATE TO THE PART THEY JUST GO HANG OUT WITH SOME CATS IN THE PARK FOR A WHILE, IT'S WHAT I'D DO).

Tammy and the Teenage Dinosaur [movie] JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE. IT'S MOSTLY NOTHING BUT THE FUNNY PARTS ARE SO FRIGGIN FUNNY. BASICALLY ANY TIME THEY START USING THE HANDS IS HILARIOUS. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT IT'S EXPLICIT THAT HE'S NAME A HUMAN BRAIN IN A DINOSAUR BODY, BUT INSTEAD A HUMAN BRAIN IN A CRAPPY ANIMATRONIC DINOSAUR. PS. TANNY? 

Monsters and Mazes [movie] THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. IT'S A 1982 SCARE PIECE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AND IT'S BONKERS. IT'S YOUNG TOM HANKS GOING CRAZY AND TAKING A QUEST TO THE TWIN TOWERS IN NEW YORK (WHICH WAS APPARENTLY A COMPLEX MYSTERY OF WHERE HE WENT WHEN HE WROTE "TWIN TOWERS" AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO NEW YORK). I LOVE THAT THEY SET JAY JAY UP AS A CRAZY PERSON WITH BAD PARENTS WHO WAS ON THE EDGE OF SUICIDE THEN LIKE, HE'S JUST PERFECTLY FINE AND IT'S THE OTHER GUY THAT GOES MAD FROM THE EVILS OF GORVILS. I ALSO LOVE THAT HE GETS LIKE, MULTI-LEVEL STACKED HALLUCINATIONS, LIKE HE KILLS A HISPANIC MAN BECAUSE HE SEES HIM AS A GORVIL, THEN LIKE, LATER HE FREAKS OUT BECAUSE HE SAW A DIFFERENT HISPANIC MAN AND SAW HIM AS THE FIRST ONE? ALSO IT'S JUST OKAY HE KILLED SOMEONE I GUESS? IT NEVER SEEMS LIKE A BIG DEAL TO ANYONE. PS. I CHOOSE 100% TO INTERPRET IT AS IF THEY OF MICE AND MENNED HIM IN THE END. I DON'T THINK THAT IS RIGHT

Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation [book, nonfiction] THIS HAD HIGH LEVELS OF TRYING TO BE A FAKE MARY ROACH BOOK, BUT IT WAS FINE. THE MANY PICTURES OF LIKE, TAMPON ADS FROM THE 1930S WAS BY FAR THE BEST PART. ALSO THE EXISTENCE OF PERIOD EXTRACTION, BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST. LIKE IT WAS A THING IN THE 70S TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR HIPPY GAL PALS AND HAVE THEM STICK A VACUUM NEEDLE IN YOUR UTERUS THEN USE A FOOT PUMP TO SLOWLY PUMP OUT YOUR ENTIRE UTERINE LINING OVER LIKE 30 MINUTES AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE. PS. THE CATEGORY IS A BOOK YOU'D BE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU ARE READING AND LIKE, MEH? I ORIGINALLY WAS GOING TO READ LIKE, A PRO-TRUMP BOOK OR SOMETHING, BUT THAT DIDN'T EVEN SOUND FUN SO I JUST PICKED SOMETHING THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY EMBARRASSING TO READ BUT FEELS LIKE IT'S FROM A GENERIC LIST OF TOPICS THAT PEOPLE COUNT AS EMBARRASSING TO READ ABOUT OR SOMETHING.

A Ghost Story [movie] I AM GOING TO BE HONEST AND SAY THIS MOVIE SEEMED LIKE IT MIGHT BE GOOD AND A MOVIE I MIGHT LIKE BUT I WATCHED IT TOO DISTRACTEDLY AND DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION ENOUGH TO GET INTO THE EMOTION THEY WERE GOING FOR AND THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO WATCH THIS. THIS MOVIE NEEDS BUY IN TO THE PREMISE TO NOT BE A MOVIE YOU LOOK UP AT WHILE READING AND GO 'GOD THIS IS AN INDIE MOVIE' PS. A MOSTLY SILENT MOVIE ABOUT A TIME TRAVELING CHARLIE BROWN GHOST AND A 6 MINUTE SCENE OF A WOMAN SITTING ON THE FLOOR EATING AN ENTIRE PIE.

Non-Stop [book] I LIKED THIS BOOK. THIS BOOK CAME OUT IN 1958 AND IT'S SO WEIRD HOW DUNGEON CRAWLISH IT IS. LIKE IT'S FROM BEFORE VIDEOGAMES OR EVEN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AND THE WHOLE BOOK IS JUST SO BASED ON GOING DOWN A SERIES OF AREAS, COLLECTING LOOT, THEN USING THE LOOT TO GET TO NEW AREAS. IT'S LIKE, THEY OPEN A DOOR AND GET STUN GUNS, THEN LATER THEY OPEN A DOOR AND GET DYE AND ELECTRICAL DIAGRAMS, THEN THEY OPEN A DOOR AND GET A WELDING TORCH, THEN A DIARY, THEN FINALLY AN ARC SAW THING (WHICH CUTS THE WALLS THAT THE TORCH EXPLICITLY COULDN'T LIKE A METROIDVANIA). PS. ON THE OTHER HAND I ABSOLUTELY HATED THAT I COULDN'T TELL HOW BIG ANYTHING WAS. THEY MAKE A BIG DEAL THAT REGULAR HUMANS ARE GIANTS OF MYTH, AND THERE WAS A WHOLE WEIRD ALMOST TOTALLY IRRELEVANT PLOT ABOUT INTELLIGENT RATS (AND AN EVEN LESS IMPORTANT ONE ABOUT RABBITS BEING PSYCHIC? AND THEN A WEIRD MENTION THAT RABBITS ARE IN LEAGUE WITH MOTHS????) AND IT FELT LIKE HALF THE BOOK OF ME TRYI

VelociPastor [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS SUPER PREDICTABLY NOT FUNNY AT ALL AND CLEARLY TRYING TOO HARD AND NONE OF THE JOKES WERE FUNNY, BUT LIKE, SOMEHOW THEY HAD A REALLY FUNNY CAMERAMAN AND/OR VIDEO EDITOR? LIKE NONE OF THE ACTUAL TRY-HARD JOKES WERE FUNNY BUT THE WEIRD CAMERA WORK WAS SOMEHOW ACTUALLY ACTUALLY FUNNY? LIKE THE STUPID OVER THE TOP DEATH SPECIAL EFFECT WAS STUPID AND WAY TOO OVER THE TOP TRYING TOO MUCH TO BE FUNNY BUT THEN PUTTING A GHANDI QUOTE OVER IT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY? AND LIKE THE WEIRD MUSIC VIDEO EDITING OF THE 'SEX' SCENE WAS ACTUALLY GOOD EDITING? LIKE ONE PERSON FROM THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO USE IT ON THEIR RESUME. PS. NO, I LIED, THE PRIEST SWEETLY KISSING THE OTHER GUY IS THE ONLY GOOD JOKE AND I REWOUND IT TO WATCH THAT AGAIN.

Robopocolypse [book] I LIKED THIS BOOK, I INHERENTLY LIKE ANYTHING THAT REFERENCES ALL WATCHED OVER BY MACHINES OF LOVING GRACE ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO GO SO MUCH MORE IN THAT DIRECTION WHEN THERE WAS MECHANICAL ANIMALS BUT IT DIDN'T. I ALSO LIKE THAT SEVERAL STORIES FELT LIKE ABSOLUTE BEAT FOR BEAT RETELLINGS OF 1980S ANIME WITH NO REAL ATTEMPT TO HIDE THAT. LIKE PART OF THIS WAS JUST THE PLOT OF MACROSS STRAIGHT UP. PS. MAN, I HAVE SOME UNEXAMINED RACISM. THIS BOOK IS TO FIT 'WRITTEN BY A NATIVE AMERICAN AUTHOR' AND THIS IS JUST SOME REGULAR OLD SCI-FI WRITTEN BY A GUY NAMED DANIEL WILSON AND THAT FELT LIKE CHEATING. LIKE HE'S LITERALLY A CHEROKEE BUT THIS BOOK WASN'T ABOUT LIKE, FEATHERS OR SOMETHING SO IT 'DOESN'T COUNT', BUT THAT IS A TERRIBLE ATTITUDE AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT THINKING IT! 

Shovel Knight: King of Cards [game] I DON'T KNOW, READ ANY OF THE OTHER 50 REVIEWS I'VE WRITTEN OF THESE. THEY ARE FINE, THE UPGRADE SYSTEMS ARE FUN, THE GIMMICKS ARE FUN, THE INSTANT DEATH STUFF IS LAME AND SUCKS. BUT LIKE, WHY? WHY? WHO HAS GUN TO THESE GUY'S HEAD FORCING THEM TO MAKE THESE? I KNOW THIS IS THE LAST ONE BUT LIKE I BOUGHT SHOVEL KNIGHT IN LIKE 2013, IT'S 2020 NOW AND THEY KEEP GIVING THESE ENTIRE GAMES FOR FREE, LIKE I THINK IT WAS A KICKSTARTER PROMISE OR SOMETHING BUT WE WOULD ALL FORGIVE THEM IF THEY HAD STOPPED AFTER FIVE YEARS. PS. THE WHOLE GAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE CARD GAME, AT LEAST THE LAST BOSS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE CARD GAME. THE CARD GAME IS KINDA GOOD AND KINDA BAD AND IT WOULD HAVE MADE LIKE 1000 TIMES MORE SENSE IF THIS GAME WAS A WEIRD EXPERIMENTAL CARD GAME ONLY AS THE CAP STONE TO THIS WHOLE WEIRD COLLECTION OF GAMES.

Parasite [movie] I DO LIKE THIS MOVIE, I FEEL LIKE IT'S HYPED SO MUCH I ALMOST FEEL GUILTY THAT I DON'T LIKE IT AS MUCH AS SNOWPIERCER, BUT I DO LIKE IT. I FEEL LIKE SOME OF THE SYMBOLISM WAS SPECIFICALLY KOREAN AND I WAS TOO DUMB TO GET IT, BUT I DID LIKE THIS MOVIE. PS. IMAGINE THIS AS AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD.

John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS WAS GENERALLY FUNNY SO I GUESS I'M GLAD I WATCHED IT BUT I FEEL LIKE WONDERSHOWZEN MADE THIS ALREADY AND I GUESS WON THE ETERNAL RIGHTS TO THIS JOKE IN MY HEART. LIKE THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE OR LESS DARK AND IT'D HAVE BEEN IT'S OWN THING. (WHAT A WEIRD COMPLAINT THIS IS). PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS BY FAR WAS THE SPOT ON JOKE ABOUT A KID EXCITEDLY RECOUNTING THE ENTIRE PLOT OF A MOVIE AND DOING IT REALLY BAD.

Portland Food [book, nonfiction] HONESTLY I WANTED TO START THE CHALLENGE THING AND HAD 'MAINE HISTORY IN 128 OBJECTS' BUT I COULDN'T STAND TO READ IT LINEARLY SO I GRABBED THE FIRST VAGUELY HISTORY RELATED BOOK IN THE ORRINGTON CLOUD LIBRARY. THIS IS FROM 2014 SO EVERYTHING WAS ALREADY OUT OF DATE. LOCAL SPROUTS. PS. THE BEST PART IS THE GUY TALKING ABOUT HOW IN THE 90S HE STRUGGLED TO SELL PORK BELLY AND REAL SALTY THAT PEOPLE WERE EATING PIG RECTUM IN SOY SAUCE IN 2014 WITH NO PROBLEM.

CATS [movie] THIS WAS EXACTLY AS BAD AS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EVEN POST PATCH. BUT TO BE HONEST IT KINDA ACTUALLY MADE A WAY MORE COHERENT PLOT THAT THE ACTUAL PLAY, LIKE IT WAS STILL ABSURD AND THIN AS HECK AND VERY DUMB BUT THEY BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY THREAD A PLOT INTO THINGS. PS. IAN MCKELLEN BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO JUST RANDOMLY ACTED CATLIKE WAS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE EXCEPT MCCAVITY SAYING WEIRD WORDS TO TELEPORT.

Aniara [movie, amazing] THIS IS THE MOST LARS VON TRIER MOVIE EVER MADE THAT WASN'T MADE BY ACTUAL LARS VON TRIER AND IS IN SWEDISH. IT IS HOPELESS, IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN SCREAMING AND CRYING AND THE TITLE MEANS 'DESPAIR". I DON'T KNOW, I REALLY DO LIKE THIS MOVIE AN AWFUL LOT. IT'S LIKE TAKING THE ONLY GOOD EPISODE OF VOYAGER AND MAKING THAT A MOVIE. LIKE THERE IS PARTS YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE THEY SET UP OTHER PLOTS AND I KEPT THINKING "MAN, I WISH THEY WOULD JUST MAKE THIS MOVIE" AND THEN THE OTHER PLOTS ARE ALL RED HERRINGS AND YUP, THIS MOVIE IS JUST THAT. I ALSO LIKE HOW MUCH SHE LIKES HER AGE APPROPRIATE LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND'S BUTT, THAT WAS V. CUTE (HER LIKING IT, NOT THE BUTT, IT WAS A VERY AVERAGE BUTT AND THAT IS REALLY WHY IT WAS SO CHARMING TO HAVE HER JUST GETTING ALL FLUSTERED LOOKING AT HER CRUSH). PS. I WAS REALLY GOING TO COMPLAIN THE TECHNOLOGY MADE ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE AND THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TH

Doom: Annihilation [movie] IS THIS EVEN A REAL MOVIE THAT CAME OUT? THIS FELT LIKE AN EXTREMELY BORING FAN MADE THING OR SOMETHING. THE FIRST BAD DOOM MOVIE WAS AT LEAST CAMPY ENOUGH TO HAVE SOME CHARM. THIS CAME OUT IN LIKE OCTOBER AND WAS TOTALLY BURIED. PS. THEY SHOT A BARREL AND IT EXPLODED AND THAT WAS GOOD AT LEAST.