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Showing posts from July, 2015

Justice League: Gods and Monsters [movie]

THIS IS WEIRD BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THOSE "WHAT IF SUPER HEROES HAD DIFFERENT GRITTIER ORIGINS AND WERE A LITTLE MORE EVIL?" BUT THE WHAT IF SEEMS TO BE ANSWERED WITH "THEY WOULD BE EXACTLY THE SAME", EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND ALSO DIFFERENT PEOPLE? PS. IS SUPERMAN EVIL BECAUSE HE IS RELATED TO ZOD, IS HE EVIL BECAUSE HE WAS A SCI-FI RAPE BABY OR IS HE EVIL BECAUSE HE HAD HISPANIC PARENTS? ALL THREE OF THESE POSSIBILITIES ARE HORRIBLE MESSAGES!

Minions [movie]

I WATCHED A CAM SCREENER OF THIS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PAYING TO SEE IT, IT WASN'T GOOD BUT IT WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR AS AWFUL AS THE MARKETING INDICATED. PS. PROFESSOR FLUX DYING SO EASILY AND SO BRUTALLY SEEMED ACTUALLY FOR REAL FUNNY?

Annie [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE HAD LIKE 4 OR 5 ELEMENTS THAT WERE LEGITIMATELY GOOD BUT THEN ALSO IT FELT LIKE THE SORT OF CRAPPY KID MOVIE THEY PUT OUT IN THE EARLY 90S. LIKE SOMEONE THOUGHT UP A HANDFUL OF GOOD ELEMENTS TO INCLUDE IN THIS THEN HANDED IT OFF TO SOMEONE TO FINISH THE REST EXPECTING IT TO BE GOOD AND THEN IT NOT ACTUALLY BEING GOOD.     PS. THE BEST PART WAS PRETTY MUCH THE FAKE OUT IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS.

The Gallows [movie]

OKAY, SO WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THIS MOVIE HAVING A VERY SPECIFIC TIME LINE BUT THE TIME LINE MAKING NO SENSE? LIKE IF SOMEONE DIED 20 YEARS AGO THIS VERY NIGHT HOW DO THEY HAVE A DAUGHTER IN HIGHSCHOOL? WHAT AGE DOES THE WRITER THING HIGHSCHOOL KIDS ARE? WHY WAS THIS SET IN 2013 ANYWAY? WAS THIS MOVIE SUPPOSED TO HAVE COME OUT 2 YEARS AGO?   PS. THIS MOVIE MADE ME EXTREMELY MOTION SICK AND NEVER EVER EVER HAD A MOVIE DONE THAT EVER AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE DEAL WAS. I GUESS THE NIGHT VISION PARTS HAD A LOW FRAME RATE? AND I GUESS LOW FRAME RATE GAMES HAVE MADE ME FEEL SICK BEFORE? BUT NEVER A MOVIE, I COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT THE SCREEN MOST OF THE FILM BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I MIGHT VOMIT IF I DID? IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE EVEN HAD TONS OF MOTION?

Trainwreck [movie]

THIS WHOLE MOVIE WAS JUST "WAIT, WHO IS THAT GUY? I RECOGNIZE THAT GUY!".   PS. WHY WAS LEBRON SO FUNNY? IS HE WICKED FUNNY?

Ant Man [movie]

THIS WAS A FINE BUT FORGETTABLE MOVIE. I FEEL LIKE FOR ME IT WAS SORT OF RUINED BY THE FACT THE ONE AND ONLY COMIC BOOK FACT ABOUT HANK PRYM IS HE BEATS HIS WIFE, AND I KEPT LOOKING AT EVERY SCENE AS 'OH IS THIS GOING TO BE THAT SCENE?', BUT THEY NEVER WENT FOR THAT AND I GUESS THAT IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.        PS. FALCON COULD SEE ANT MAN REALLY WELL AND I FEEL LIKE THERE WAS SOME DISCUSSION IN THE WRITING ROOM THAT WAS LIKE "SEE, CUZ HE HAS EAGLE EYES, DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?' THEN SOMEONE SAYING "NO" AND THEM JUST SORT OF LEAVING IT IN THE MOVIE ANYWAY WITHOUT SAYING IT.   

Final Fantasy X: ~Will~ [short story]

WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!? THIS IS SO UPSETTING!!! PS. I AM SO UPSET!

Final Fantasy X-2: Last Mission [game]

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS GAME EXISTED UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO, LIKE THEY MADE AN FFX2 SEQUEL THAT IS A REALLY IFFY ROUGELIKE? IT WAS WEIRD, IT WAS HONESTLY SORT OF GOOD STARTING OUT, FOR THE FIRST THIRD IT FELT REALLY DYNAMIC AND HARD SCRABBLE TO KEEP GOING AND THE SPHERE BREAKING STUFF WAS A GOOD COMPROMISE ON PERMADEATH BUT AS IT WENT YOU KINDA GOT MORE AND MORE TOOLS TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND KINDA ENDED UP WITH JUST THE BEST SPHERES AND SINCE YOU CAN ONLY EQUIP TWO ACCESSORIES THAT WHOLE GROWTH SYSTEM WAS MEANINGLESS SO IT GOT PRETTY MEH. PLUS THE PUZZLES WERE ALL ABSURD NONSENSE THAT YOU HAD TO LOOK UP, "HOLD SQUARE BUTTON AND PRESS SELECT TEN TIMES" IS TOTALLY A THING YOU'D JUST FIGURE OUT ON YOUR OWN.     PS. I LIKED THE STORY, I WAS SO CONVINCED IT WAS GOING TO HAVE A LEGEND OF BILLY JACK ENDING I WAS ALREADY MENTALLY WRITING THIS REVIEW WITH THAT IN MIND BUT THEN IT DIDN'T HAVE THAT ENDING AND SORT OF HAD AN ENDING DIFFERENT FROM THE SORT OF MESSAGES GAMES NO

Final Fantasy X-2: HD Remaster [game]

UNLIKE FFX I ACTUALLY DID PLAY THIS WHEN IT WAS NEW. I THINK THIS GAME IS FINE BUT HELD UP WAY LESS THAN FFX DID. BECAUSE I PLAYED IT BEFORE I FELT OKAY JUST MOSTLY ENGAGING WITH THE CREATURE CREATOR STUFF THAT WASN'T IN THE ORIGINAL, AND FRIG THAT ALL GETS SO WEIRD. THE FIEND TALES ARE ALL ABSURD AND INSANE IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY AND THE PARTY I USED TO BEAT THE LAST BOSS WAS JUST AN ULTIMA WEAPON AND NOTHING ELSE.        PS. I COMPLETED THIS WITH 32% COMPLETE, SOMEDAY I WILL COME BACK AND PLAY THIS FOR REAL, BUT THIS IS ENOUGH FOR TODAY. 

Star Trek: Nemesis [movie]

I REMEMBER WATCHING THIS WITH THE FIRST WEEKLY SATANISTS CLUB AND HATING IT, BUT IT SEEMS FINE NOW, IT'S NOT REALLY GREAT AND IT DIDN'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE BUT IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY BAD. I ACTUALLY SORT OF LIKED THE CONCEPT, THEY JUST DIDN'T DO ENOUGH WITH IT.     PS. I AM SURE THERE IS ALL SORTS OF EXTENDED UNIVERSE CONCLUSIONS TO IT BUT I STILL FEEL SAD THE DATA PLOT NEVER REALLY FULLY RESOLVED.

Star Trek: Insurrection [movie]

I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED THIS MOVIE BUT MISTAKENLY THOUGHT IT WAS AN EPISODE AND NOT A MOVIE. IT WASN'T REALLY BAD OR ANYTHING BUT IT WAS EXTREMELY LOW STAKES. LIKE EVEN FOR MOST OF THE MOVIE THE DRONES WERE TELEPORTING PEOPLE INSTEAD OF VAPORIZING THEM. AND I GUESS EVERY MOVIE CAN'T BE END OF THE UNIVERSE BUT IT'S PRETTY LOW STAKES TO HAVE A PLANET OF 600 PEOPLE WE NEVER HAVE HEARD OF BEFORE BE THE THING AT RISK FOR A PLOT. ESPECIALLY IF THE RISK IS JUST THEM BEING RELOCATED.     PS. TROY SAYING 'YUCK' IS MY FAVORITE THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN ALL OF THESE MOVIES.

Star Trek: First Contact [movie]

THIS IS THE OTHER STAR TREK MOVIE I WATCHED A LOT GROWING UP, I THINK THERE MUST HAVE BEEN AN "ONLY TIME TRAVEL MOVIES' RULE OR SOMETHING IN MY HOME. ALSO THIS MOVIE IS FUNDAMENTALLY PRETTY GOOD, NOTHING REALLY BREAKS THE TONE OF STAR TREK NEXT GENERATION AND SOME OF THE ACTION SCENES ARE KINDA DULL SINCE NG DOESN'T REALLY HAVE AN ACTION CAST IT'S STILL NOT A BAD MOVIE.     PS. PHILOSOPHICALLY A BORG QUEEN IS A DUMB IDEA AND IN HINDSIGHT WE KNOW THAT SHE UTTERLY RUINED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BORG IN LATER STUFF BUT IN THIS MOVIE SHE'S REALLY NOT ESPECIALLY BAD.

Star Trek Generations [movie]

BY FAR THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS DATA, IT'S SUCH A PERFECT EXCUSE TO OVERACT LIKE CRAZY AND IT'S SO GOOD. HONESTLY THIS MOVIE IS UNFORTUNATE, IT SETS UP A TON OF REALLY GREAT STUFF THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN WAY MORE 'EPIC' BUT MOSTLY CAME OUT AS WET FARTS.     PS. NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS EVER FELT OKAY ABOUT KIRK'S DEATH AND GOD IT'S LAME.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country [movie]

I LIKE THAT KIRK IS ON TRIAL IN VIRTUALLY EVERY SINGLE MOVIE. I LIKE THAT WORF IS APPARENTLY HIS OWN GRANDPA, I LIKE HOW BAD THE BLOOD SPECIAL EFFECT WAS AND HOW MANY TIMES THEY USED IT.   PS. I SAW THIS AS A KID IN THE THEATERS AND LITERALLY THE ONLY PART I REMEMBERED WAS THE PART KIRK KICKS THE ALIEN IN THE KNEE BALLS.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier [movies]

THIS WAS KINDA A NOTHING MOVIE THAT WAS BOTH WAY TOO SERIOUS BUT THEN ALSO HAD A BUNCH OF CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS AND SPOCKET BOOTS. ALSO I FEEL LIKE THE THEOLOGICAL STUFF FREAKED SOMEONE OUT IN THE STUDIO BECAUSE IT'S LIKE 45 SECONDS BETWEEN WHEN THEY DECIDE IT MIGHT BE GOD AND WHEN THEY DECIDE IT'S DEFINITELY NOT GOD.     PS. AT LEAST WE GOT THIS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU2ftCitvyQ

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home [movie]

I WATCHED THIS MOVIE A BILLION TIMES AS A KID BUT NOT ANY AS AN ADULT. IT REALLY IS THE BEST STAR TREK MOVIE. IT'S ALL DUMB AS HELL BUT IT'S THE EXACT SORT OF DUMB THAT IS PERFECT. IT'S ALL GOOFY AND STUPID BUT IT FEELS LIKE STAR TREK AND IS GOOFY AND STUPID IN THE WAY GOOD STAR TREK IS.     PS. I FORGOT THERE WAS AN ENTIRE HOUR OF PRE-TIME TRAVEL MOVIE, MY MEMORY WAS WAY MORE THAT THEY GOT RIGHT INTO THINGS.

Star Trek III: Search for Spock [movie]

THIS MOVIE ISN'T OUTRIGHT BAD BUT IT'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF MADE UP NONSENSE THAT NO ONE EVER MENTIONED BEFORE TO EXPLAIN WHY SPOCK WAS BACK AND I FEEL LIKE IN MODERN DAY LIKE 90% OF THIS MOVIE WOULD JUST BE A WEBISODE OR SOMETHING BETWEEN MOVIES AND ONLY THE END PART WOULD MAKE IT TO THE THEATERS FOR THE NEXT MOVIE. LITTLE HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE.     PS. HELLO MINDLESS BABY, LET ME SPACE FINGER BANG YOU.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture [movie]

I THINK THIS IS THE ONLY STAR TREK MOVIE I REALLY HAVE NOT WATCHED EVEN A LITTLE, ALTHOUGH THERE IS SEVERAL I HAVEN'T WATCHED IN YEARS OR NEVER WATCHED END TO END. THIS JUST REALLY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE STAR TREK, NO ONE LIKED THIS MOVIE, RIGHT? IT JUST HAD A WEIRD TONE AND THE TECHNOLOGY ALL SEEMED WRONG. ALSO OF COURSE I HAD THE BIG TWIST SPOILED.     PS. SO SO MANY LONG LINGERING EFFECT SHOTS OF EFFECTS THAT WEREN'T VISUALLY INTERESTING.

Sirius [movie, nonfiction, garbage]

THIS WAS JUST A RANDOM HEAP OF STUPID GARBAGE THAT COULDN'T PICK A POINT OR STICK TO A POINT. IT WAS A CONSPIRACY THEORIST THAT JUST FELT THE NEED TO PUT EVERY DUMB THING INTO ONE MOVIE.     PS. NOW I HAVE A 'GARBAGE' TAG AS THE OPPOSITE OF 'AMAZING' TO MARK THE WASTE OF TIME MEDIA. IT WON'T BE USED FOR 'SO BAD IT'S GOOD' STUFF THOUGH. WHICH IS MOST STUFF THAT IS BAD.

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel [game]

THIS GAME WAS WEIRD, IT WASN'T MADE BY THE REAL COMPANY AND EVERYTHING NEW WAS KINDA BAD, BUT IT WAS STILL OKAY, IT WAS MADE BY THE AUSTRALIAN BRANCH OF 2K AND SO ALL THE VOICE ACTORS WERE AUSTRALIAN AND THEY JUSTIFIED IT BY HAVING IT BE SET ON THE MOON INSTEAD OF THE PLANET THE REST OF THE GAMES WERE SET ON AND I LOVE THAT LOGIC. ON THE OTHER HAND IT'S WEIRD THEY SET THIS GAME UP WITH AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND THE LAST GAME HAD A DLC WITH IT'S WHOLE GIMMICK BEING AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND IT WAS GREAT AND IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE THE WHOLE GAME THAT BUT NOT EVEN ONCE DID IT UNRELIABLY NARRATE?     PS. IT'S WEIRD THAT I LIKE THIS SERIES, I THINK THIS SERIES KNOWS NON-FPS PEOPLE PLAY THESE GAMES BECAUSE THE CHARACTER I PLAYED JUST HAD A SKILL WHERE ONCE A MINUTE THE GAME WILL JUST AIM FOR YOU AND ANOTHER SKILL THAT HAS IT SO IF YOU MISS THE BULLETS WILL STILL AUTO AIM AND HIT PEOPLE.

Final Fantasy X HD Remaster [game, amazing]

HEY GUYS, DID ANYONE KNOW THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD? LIKE THIS GAME CAME OUT WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE AND NOT PLAYING CONSOLE GAMES AND I SORT OF POKED AT PLAYING SECTIONS OF IT BUT MOSTLY DON'T HAVE A TON OF NOSTALGIA FOR IT BUT MAN THIS GAME IS 4REAL GOOD. THE ONLY THING THAT SORT OF DIDN'T HOLD UP IS THE CLOISTER TRIALS. EVERYTHING ELSE: THE STORY, THE BATTLE SYSTEM, THE SPHERE GRID ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING OUT EVEN NOW, TEN YEARS LATER. I PLAYED 50 HOURS AND I BARELY HAVE SCRATCHED THE SURFACE. ALSO I PLAYED ON EXPERT SPHERE GRID AND IT'S FUNNY THAT I GOT SO SCARED OF MAKING KIMARI TOO WEAK FOR HIS SOLO FIGHT HE WAS EXTREMELY STRONG FOR LIKE HALF MY GAME SINCE HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I DARED ACTUALLY MOVE AROUND THE GRID FREELY INSTEAD OF JUST FOLLOWING THE SET PATH. (HE EVENTUALLY BECAME AWFUL THOUGH, BALANCE IS RESTORED) PS. THIS GAME HAS THE WEIRD LUDONARRATIVE DISSONANCE WITH REPLACING THINGS. LIKE THE BROTHER SWORD IS SO IMPORTANT BUT WASN'T SOMETHING I EQUIPPED AFTE

The Layover [television, nonfiction]

I LOVE THE SLOW PICKING APART OF THE SHOW FORMAT THAT HAPPENED OVER THE TWO SEASONS. LIKE THE FAKE BOOK STARTED IT AND WAS FAKE ENOUGH I SORT OF THING THAT WAS AN INTENTIONAL JOKE BUT BY LATER EPISODES HE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THE TIMER NOT BEING REAL AND JUST SHOWING PROPS AS FAKE. I REALLY LIKE THIS SHOW TO THE POINT I AM CREDITING IT WITH MY NEW PUSH TO STOP BEING SO UNCOMFORTABLE EATING AT RESTAURANTS ALONE BECAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY SHODDY FOOD TOURISM.     PS. FAR MORE FOOD FOCUSED THAN I CARE ABOUT BUT MAN I LIKE THIS SHOW AND MAN IS IT'S TARGET AUDIENCE EXACTLY ME SPECIFICALLY.

Strange Magic [movie]

ANYONE REMEMBER THAT TIME GEORGE LUCAS CLAIMED HE WAS GOING TO DO FOR 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS WHAT STAR WARS DID FOR 12 YEAR OLD BOYS AND MADE A CARTOON THAT NO ONE EVER WATCHED THEN INSTANTLY FORGOT EXISTED? IT'S THIS, IT WAS A REALLY WEIRD MOVIE, IT HAD 8 BILLION OUT OF PLACE MUSICAL NUMBERS AND WAS REALLY BORING AND CONFUSING.        PS. IT ALMOST WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOVIE IF IT WASN'T SUCH A BAD MOVIE, THE CORE CONCEPT WAS UNIQUE ENOUGH I'M STILL THINKING OVER IF IT WAS A GOOD OR BAD IDEA FOR A MOVIE.

Terminator Genisys [movie]

THIS MOVIE GOT REALLY WEIRD. LIKE IT RECREATED SEEMINGLY EVERY SINGLE SCENE FROM EVERY OTHER TERMINATOR AND AT SOME POINT IT WAS SO MUCH IT STOPPED FEELING LIKE THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO STEAL IDEAS FROM COOLER MOVIES AND GOT TO THE POINT I WONDER IF IT WAS BECAUSE THIS WAS A NEW TIME LINE AND THEY GOT STUCK WITH CONTINUITY ISSUES UNLESS THEY MADE SURE TO INCLUDE EVERY DUMB THING FROM EVERY DUMB MOVIE.     PS. I LOVE HOW POORLY DEFINED IT WAS WHAT THE GENISYS EVEN WAS. AN IPHONE OS? THAT IS A LITTLE KID? THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE IT SOME SIRI THING PEOPLE WERE ALREADY USING.