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Showing posts from December, 2021

Death to 2021 [movie]

Death to 2021 [movie] GOD, THIS IS SO FRIGGIN LAME. THE FIRST ONE WAS BAD BUT FELT LIKE MAYBE THEY MADE IT SPONTANEOUSLY AT THE END OF THE YEAR OR SOMETHING BUT THEY HAD TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE AND IT STILL WAS THE WORST.  PS. THE BRITISH LADY WAS FUNNY UNTIL EVERY FUNNY JOKE MADE SURE TO EXPLAIN AT LENGTH WHAT THE JOKE WAS.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind [anime]

 Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind [anime] THIS IS A LOT OF PEOPLE'S FAVORITE JOJO AND I CAN SEE WHY. IT MANAGES A FAIRLY COHERENT ONGOING STORY, HAS THE STRONGEST CHARACTER PERSONALITIES, IS EXTREMELY HOMOEROTIC, HAS A LOT OF FASHION AND POSING, ALL THE STANDS HAVE LIKE FORTY RANDOM POWERS, AND THEY ALL LIVE IN A TURTLE.  PS. THEY ALSO JUST RANDOMLY BREAK INTO A DANCE IN ONE EPISODE. 

Sing [movie]

 Sing [movie] IN NO WAY WAS THIS GOOD, BUT IT AT LEAST WASN'T AS BAD AS TRAILERS ALWAYS MADE IT LOOK. SO FINAL REVIEW: EH. PS. I FEEL LIKE THERE WAS SOME SORT OF ENDLESS BOARDROOM FIGHT OVER THE GORILLA WHERE SOMEONE WAS SAYING "MAKE IT MORE RACIST" AND SOMEONE WAS SAYING "MAKE IT LESS RACIST" THAT ENDED UP ON HIRING A WELCH ACTOR. 

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable [anime]

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable [anime] I WOULD SAY THAT THE ANTAGONIST OF THIS IS THE BEST WRITING IN BASICALLY ANYTHING. THEY DID SO WELL JUST HAVING A SMALL SCALE THREAT. ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS WAS GOOD BUT MAN WAS IT FILLED WITH SO MUCH FILLER. JUST THROWING IN SO MUCH NONSENSE. ALIENS AND GHOSTS AND THE INVISIBLE BABY AND THE WEIRD PART WHERE TIME TRAVEL JOJO HAIR NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED EVEN THOUGH HE FOUGHT A TIME TRAVEL GUY. LIKE I GUESS IT'S ALWAYS TRUE BUT LIKE 90% OF THESE EPISODES DIDN'T MATTER AT ALL TO ANYTHING. AND THERE IS SO MANY TIMES THEY INTRODUCED SOME INTERESTING POWER THEN BARELY USED IT EVER AGAIN. LIKE ECHOS AND KILLER QUEEN BOTH HAD LIKE 40 ENTIRELY SEPORATE POWERS BY THE END THAT ALL GOT USED LIKE ONE TIME. INSTEAD OF THE OTHER SERIES WHERE EVERYONE HAS ONE POWER THEN EVERYONE STANDS THERE SLOWLY EXPLAINING THE DETAILS OF HOW EXACTLY THEY USED THEIR POWER THIS TIME.  PS. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE

The Matrix Resurrections [movie]

 The Matrix Resurrections [movie] OH MY GOD, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HATE THIS MOVIE *SO* MUCH. IT RULES SO MUCH HOW MAD THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE. THEY MADE THIS MOVIE AS DUMB AS POSSIBLE AND IT'S SO GOOD THE DUMB DIRECTION THEY TOOK THIS. OR WELL, THE FIRST HALF IS, EVENTUALLY IT GOES TO MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD ACTION SCENES AND THEY ARE JUST REALLY BAD. KEANU VERY CLEARLY DOESN'T WANT TO DO STUNTS OR MOVE AT ALL SO LITERALLY ALL HE EVER DOES IS MAKE FORCE WAVE HAND MOTIONS AND THEN THEY ANIMATE STUFF HAPPENING. HE DOES IT LIKE 20 TIMES. BUT THE FIRST HALF? OH MY GOD.  PS. HANDSOME CHAD. 

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders [anime]

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders [anime] SO THIS IS THE THE THING I THOUGHT OF WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE JOJO. I STILL LIKE IT LESS THAN BATTLE TENDANCY, THE FIRST HALF IS TOO SLOW AND DRY, THE SECOND HALF IS TOO HORNY AND PEEPEE POOPOO FOCUSED BUT IT CLEARLY IS THE POINT THIS BECAME THE STORY EVERYONE LIKES SO MUCH.  PS. THE PREMISE IS THEM TRAVELING COUNTRY TO COUNTRY (WHICH MAKES CALLING IT A BIZARRE ADVENTURE MAKE MORE SENSE) AND THERE IS A LOT OF MILD 1980S ANIME RACISM, EVEN IN THE MODERN REMAKE. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY I CAN TELL AT LEAST ONE PERSON THAT HELPED WITH THIS HAD TRAVELED TO SOME OF THESE PLACES. THERE IS A BUNCH OF PLACES THEY INCLUDE THAT YOU WOULD NOTICE IF YOU WERE A CASUAL TRAVELER (LIKE ME) INSTEAD OF THINGS YOU'D GET FROM A GUIDE BOOK. LIKE A SCENE WHERE THEY JUST LOOK AT A SUGER CANE JUICE MACHINE. THERE WASN'T A BOOK ARAKI READ THAT SAID 'SUGAR CANE JUICE MACHINE", HE DEFINITELY WENT SOMEWHERE AND SAID 'OH HEY, SUGAR CANE

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood/Battle Tendency [anime]

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood/Battle Tendency [anime] MOST OF MY JOJO EXPOSURE IS WATCHING ALL OF THE EXTREMELY CRAP 90S/2000S STARDUST CRUSADERS SO MY DEFAULT IS TO NOT LIKE JOJO THAT MUCH, BUT I KNOW JOJO IS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD. IT'S LIKE THERE IS A COMPLEX WEB OF WHAT JOJO IS GOOD OR BAD, EVEN WITHIN THE SAME SHOW. LIKE JOJO STARTED OUT AS ONE THING (VICTORIAN HORROR MYSTERY) THEN BECAME ANOTHER THING (GENERIC SHONEN PUNCHING ANIME) THEN BECAME EXTREMELY CRAZY AND AMAZING, THEN STARTED BACK OVER WITH STARDUST CRUSADERS AT BEING BAD AND BORING FOR A WHILE BEFORE BECOMING EXTREMELY CRAZY AND FINALLY STICKING WITH IT. NETFLIX SPLITS IT UP BY BOOKS LIKE THIS, SO I'M GOING TO COUNT EACH AS A DIFFERENT SHOW LIKE I DID STONE OCEAN AND EACH SEASON IS LIKE 50 EPISODES LONG AND HAVE ALL DIFFERENT CHARACTERS. PS. I SPENT MORE TIME EXPLAINING MY SYSEM FOR HOW I'D REVIEW THIS THAN REVIEWING IT SO I'LL JUST REVIEW IT AS: "HE TRIPPED A CAT! FOR NO REASON! JUST B

Phoenix II [game]

Phoenix II [game] THIS GAME IS SO WEIRD. IT'S LIKE THEY PUT *SO* MUCH ATTENTION TO DETAIL IN MAKING COOL SHIPS THEN BARELY BOTHERED TO MAKE AN ACTUAL GAME. LIKE IT'S SUPER OBVIOUS EACH OF THE LIKE 100 SHIPS HAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT MECHANICS PROGRAMMED IN INSTEAD OF JUST STAT CHANGES OR SOMETHING. THEN THERE BASICALLY IS NO GAME, JUST SEMI-RANDOM DAILY MISSIONS OF THE SAME 4 ENEMIES.  PS. IT'S NOT EVEN A SCAMMY GACHA GAME. WHICH IS ITSELF WEIRD. YOU GET SHIPS OUT OF A SLOT MACHINE AND YOU CAN PAY REAL MONEY FOR THINGS IN THE GAME, BUT YOU CAN'T PAY REAL MONEY TO PULL THE SLOT MACHINE. 

Centarworld: Season Two [television]

Centarworld: Season Two [television] THE FIRST HALF OF THIS WAS PRETTY MEH BUT ONCE THEY GOT TO THE WAR I REALLY DID GET INTO IT. THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF TYING IT ALL TOGETHER AND MAKING A REASONABLY CREATIVE BACK STORY FOR A BAD GUY WHO IS THE ROTTING CORPSE OF AN ELK SUSPENDED IN PURE EVIL.  PS. WHAT EVEN WAS THE DEAL WITH REBECCA APPLES? THEY CHARACTERIZED HER SO WEIRD. HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS: WAS THERE A VERSION OF THE SCRIPT WHERE MIDDLE AGED PRINCESS (DID SHE EVEN HAVE A NAME?) HAD SECRETLY ALSO SPLIT AND THAT IS WHY THE KEY WAS ACTUALLY HER STAFF IN THE FIRST PLACE. 

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stone Sea [anime]

 Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stone Ocean [anime] I FELL OFF JOJO A LONG TIME AGO, BUT THIS FELT LIKE A BIG ENOUGH BREAK IN POINT TO GET BACK IN. I REALLY LIKE IT, BUT GOD IS IT THE MOST EXHAUSTING PIECE OF MEDIA TO CONSUME EVER CREATED. IT'S NOT EVEN CONFUSING OR HARD TO FOLLOW, IT'S JUST ALWAYS PEOPLE HAVING THE MOST GOD DAMN CONVOLUTED AND OBSCURE POSSIBLE PLAN THAT THEY JUST MADE UP RIGHT THAT SECOND THAT THEY STOP AND EXPLAIN TO THE CAMERA IN GREAT DETAIL LIKE IT'S A RADIO DRAMA.  PS. JESUS WHITESNAKE/PALESNAKE HAS THE WORST VOICE ACTING OF ANYTHING IMAGINABLE, BUT I BELIVE 100% WITH MY HEART THEY TOLD HIM 'HEY, JUST MAKE SURE YOUR VOICE ACTING SUCKS, MAKE IT AS ANNOYING AS POSSIBLE" I FEEL LIKE MAKING A PARTICULAR ELEMENT REALLY SUCK ON PURPOSE IS VERY ON BRAND FOR JOJO, LIKE I REALLY DO LIKE IT, BUT BEING "VERY HARD TO WATCH" FEELS LIKE THE JOJO ETHOS.

The Croods: A New Age [movie]

 The Croods: A New Age [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS ISN'T AMAZING BUT HAD LOTS OF GOOD NIC CAGE AND A FEW JOKES THAT WERE ACTUALLY FUNNY, SO SURE, B-. PS. WHY DID THEY IMPLY DAWN IS GAY SO MUCH?  LIKE PEOPLE CAN JUST BE GAY IF THEY WANT, BUT IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A WEIRD STORY ARTIFACT. IT WASN'T A JOKE, IT NEVER DIRECTLY COMES UP. I GUESS THEY ARE TRYING TO SET HER UP WITH GUY AND THE IDEA IS SHE JUST LIKES EEP AND IS ALL HORNED UP BY THE IDEA OF NAKED WARRIOR WOMEN? LIKE TO MAKE HER PARENT'S THING TOTALLY NOT WHAT SHE WANTS? BUT SHE CAN'T HAVE EEP EITHER SO IT'S THE SAME SITUATION!

Evils of the Night [movie]

 Evils of the Night [movie] IT'S A 1980S HORROR MOVIE WHERE GINGER FROM GILLIGAN'S ISLAND PLAYS A SCIENTIST ALIEN VAMPIRE THAT HAS TO STEAL BLOOD FROM TEENS ONLY. BUT IT'S ACUALLY INSUFFERABLY DULL AND SO MUCH OF THE MOVIE IS JUST PEOPLE HITTING DAVID CARADINE'S DAD WITH DIFFERENT PIPES. (ALSO IT ENDS IN A WAY YOU CAN TELL GINGER QUIT AT SOME POINT SO SHE JUST ANONYMOUSLY LEAVES AND SHOOTS EVERYONE WITH A LASER FROM SPACE) PS. THIS MOVIE HAD SO MANY SEX SCENES WHERE THE WOMAN WAS FULLY NUDE AND THE MAN WAS WEARING JEANS.