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Showing posts from January, 2009

Tomato Soup [food]

OH HEY LETS MAKE SOMETHING THAT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE THE CRAPPY SAUCE THAT CHEF BOY R DEE PUTS IN CANNED RAVIOLI AND MAKE IT EXTRA WATERY THEN SELL IT AS CAMPBELL TOMATO SOUP AND HAVE EVERYONE JUST THINK THAT'S A NORMAL FOOD THAT NORMAL PEOPLE EAT FOR SOME REASON. PS. CAPITAL REVIEWS TACKLES THE TOUGH SOUP ISSUES.

Valkyrie [Movie]

I WAS ALL, THIS MOVIE IS GOOD BUT IT'S GOT THE PROBLEM THAT WE KNOW HITLER WON'T EXPLODE BUT THEN HITLER EXPLODED AND I WAS LIKE 'I GUESS I SUCK AT HISTORY!" BUT HE GOT BETTER EVENTUALLY. PS. I THINK SHE WAS CHECKING HER WATCH OR SOMETHING BUT SOME GIRL TOTALLY SIEG HIELED AT THE OATH TO HITLER AT THE START OF THE MOVIE!

Big Bang Theory [Television]

YOU KNOW HOW ON WILL AND GRACE THEY HAVE WILL AND HE IS A BASICALLY RESPECTABLE PERSON WHO IS PORTRAYED GENERALLY REALISTICALLY AND IN A POSITIVE LIGHT AND THEN THEY HAVE JACK AND IT'S BASICALLY THE WRITERS SAYING 'HEY LOOK AT THE FAG, WATCH HIM DANCE HIS FAG DANCE' BECAUSE BASICALLY THEY WANTED TO PUT THE MORE HATEFUL GAY JOKES INTO THE SHOW BUT NEEDED SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT WITH. THIS SHOW IS BASICALLY THAT BUT WITH NERDS. AND SHELDON IS JACK. PS. FRAISER WITH RICH INTELLECTUALS AND NILES.

The Day The Earth Stood Still [movie]

THE DAY MY FACE STOOD STILL, WHICH IS EVERY DAY, BECAUSE I AM KEANU REAVES. WHY DOES HE LIKE BEING NAKED AND CURLED UP SO MUCH? PS. I WAS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE ANYWAY BUT APPARENTLY TOO HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO WATCH.

George Bush [Person]

PEE PEE DOO DOO

Legend of the Mystic Ninja [game]

:PLAYS GAME FOR 4 HOURS: :PLAYS ACTUAL GAME FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES BUT JUST RACES HORSES AND CRAP FOR 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES: PS I HAVE RENTED THIS GAME LIKE 4 TIMES OR SOMETHING BUT LITERALLY NEVER BOTHERED TO GET PAST LEVEL 3, LIKE I LITERALLY GOT TO LEVEL 4 RIGHT NOW AND REALIZED I HAD NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE

Scrubs season 8 episode 4 [Tv Show]

WHY IS THIS SEASON HAVING SO MANY CONTRIVED REASONS TO MAKE TURK BE A DOCTOR? WHY IS THIS SEASON HAVING SO MANY 'SCRUBS IS GAY' JOKES? WHY DID SCRUBS GROW A BEARD? WHY ARE THE PLOTS SO UNREALISTIC? PS. BUT THIS EPISODE WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT INDICATED THAT JD SPENDS TIME AND MONEY CREATING THE JOKES IN UNIVERSE.

Twilight [movie]

HELLO I'M DOCTOR VAMPIRE, I WEAR BODY GLITTER. I AM A METAPHOR FOR TEEN SEXUAL URGES. I'M 130 YEARS OLD AND AM HITTING ON A 17 YEAR OLD. PS. BETTER THAN THE BOOK

Z for Zacharia [book]

HMM YES A CHILDREN'S BOOK ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR WHERE EVERYONE DIES EXCEPT SOME LITTLE GIRL. OH A SCIENTIST SURVIVED TOO I BET HE WILL BE FRIENDLY... NO WAIT HE'S GOING TO RAPE THE LITTLE GIRL BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE SHE SHOT HIM IN THE KNEE WITH A SHOTGUN THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD KIDS BOOK. PS. THE AUTHOR DIED SO THE WHOLE LAST CHAPTER IS LIKE 'AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN THE END'

The Talisman [book]

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THIS WAS REALLY CLEARLY THE FIRST DARK TOWER BOOK. PS. THE KID GOT MAGIC WINE FROM A MAGIC HOBO BUT THEN IT WAS LIKE 'NO THATS JUST REGULAR WINE' IN THE WEIRDEST DUMBO'S FEATHER PLOT EVER.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas [book]

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HUNTER S TOMAS 4 EVA PS. I READ THIS AFTER I READ TRANSMETROPOLITIAN ISN'T THAT PATHETIC?

The Giver [book]

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WAS ANYONE ACTUALLY DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT GET RELEASE WAS MURDER LIKE 30 SECONDS AFTER THEY MENTIONED IT? WAS THAT ACTUALLY A TWIST TO ANYONE? IF THERE IS EVER A EPUHEMISM IN A UTOPIAN BOOK IT MEANS THEY ARE EITHER KILLING SOMEONE OR EATTING SOMEONE NO EXCEPTIONS. PS. HE CLEARLY DIES IN THE END AND HE IS JUST ALIVE IN THE SEQUAL BECAUSE THE AUTHOR WANTS DOLLARS.

Wizards Presents: Races and Classes

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IF YOUR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH MAYBE IT'S BEST NOT TO KNOW. PS. YOU SEE DRAGONS HAVE TITS AND HERE IS WHY:

Many Waters [book]

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I LOVED THIS BOOK SO MUCH, ONE OF MY FAVORITE BIBLE THING WAS JUST THE WHOLE NEPHLEPHIM THING WHERE THE BIBLE IS ALL 'OH YEAH THERE WAS NEPHLEPHIM, THEY WERE GREAT, ANGELS TOTALLY DID IT WITH LADYS' AND THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY. PS. SOMEDAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO USE THE STORY 'OH HEY I'D LOVE TO FUCK YOU BUT I MEAN MY RIDE HOME IS A UNICORN SO I MEAN, WELP!"

The Giving Tree [book]

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SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS THE MORAL OF THIS BOOK ANYWAY? PS. WAS IT "THAT KID IS A DICK"?

The Pearl [book]

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I FOUND A PEARL AND NOW I CAN SAVE MY DIEING BABY HERE LET ME HAVE THE PEARL NO OH SORRY I SHOT MY BABY WITH A SHOTGUN. PS. I REMEMBER THE BABY'S NAME BUT I CAN'T SPELL IT OKAY? KOY-O-TEE-TO

Memoirs of a Geisha [book]

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THE PART WHERE THE SISTER CUT HERSELF ON A FISH MADE ME LAUGH REALLY HARD, LIKE, SERIOUSLY REALLY HARD. PS. I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER A SINGLE EVENT THAT HAPPENED IN THIS BOOK AND ACTUALLY I READ IT NOT THAT LONG AGO, IT WASN'T A BAD BOOK BUT OTHER THAN THE FISH PART WHICH MADE ME LAUGH I KINDA FORGOT THE WHOLE BOOK.

Atlas Shrugged [book]

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WHO IS JOHN GALT? OH RIGHT HE IS AN ESSAY THAT AYN RYND WANTED TO WRITE BUT KNEW NO ONE WOULD READ SO SHE PUT IT AS A BIG LONG SPEECH ABOUT HOW AWFUL CHAIRTY IS AND VIRTUE IS AND IT'S BASICALLY THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ISHMEL AND HONESTLY IT MAKES SOME POINTS THEN TAKES THEM AND GOES LIKE TEN STEPS TOO FAR INTO SOME SORT OF RETARDED THING SOME CARTOON DEVIL WOULD PREACH TO A VILLIAN ON CAPTAIN PLANET. BECAUSE I MEAN SOME THINGS LIKE VIRTUES AND SACRIFICE REALLY ARE USED AS SOCIAL CONTROL AND IS A TERRIBLE SYSTEM BUT THEN IT JUST GOES TOO FAR WITH IT TO CRAZY PERSON STUFF. PS. I GUESS I'LL PROBOBLY BUY BIOSHOCK WHEN IT GETS TO LIKE 3.50 ON HALF ANYWAY.

Island of the Blue Dolphins [book]

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HEY THERE IS A SCARY OCTOPUS IN THIS CAVE! HEY OCTOPUS CAVE! THAT OCTOPUS IN THAT CAVE SURE IS SCARY! WHAT A SCARY CAVE, LIKE A CAVE AN OCTOPUS MIGHT BE IN BEING SCARY :OCTOPUS NEVER DOES ANYTHING: PS. I REMEMBER BEING SO EXCITED WHEN THERE WAS A MOVIE OF THIS IN 6TH GRADE BECAUSE SHE'S TOTALLY NAKED AND SO I TOTALLY EXPECTED SHE'D BE NAKED IN THE MOVIE TOO BUT CLEARLY SHE WAS NOT.

Little House on the Prairie

I READ THIS BOOK THEN THE POWER WENT OUT AND MY PARENTS DECLARED IT LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRARIE DAY AND MADE HAMBURGERS OUT OF DEET MEAT WITHOUT TELLING US THATS WHAT IT WAS MADE OF AND I WAS REALLY MAD. I GOT REALLY SAD WHEN THEY GOT A PIG BLADDER FOR CHRISTMAS, BECAUSE HOW SAD IS THAT! I WANTED MARIO 3 AND ALL THEY GOT WAS PIG PEE ORGANS. ALSO IT MADE PIG TAILS TASTE DELICIOUS. PS. IN THE TV SHOW DO YOU REMEMBER THE EPISODE WITH THE RAPIST CLOWN BECAUSE THERE WAS AN EPISODE WITH A RAPING CLOWN MURDERER.

Harry Potter [book]

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HMM YES IN THE WIZARD WORLD EVERYONE IS NAMED BY BASICALLY WHAT THEY ARE LIKE MAYBE A WEREWOLF WOULD BE NAMED REMUS LUPIN AND A RED HAIRED GINGER GIRL WOULD BE NAMED GINNY AND SO ON AND SO FORTH LETS NAME THE ASIAN KID AS CLOSE TO CHING CHONG AS WE DARE. PS. I MEAN THESE BOOKS AREN'T BAD OR ANYTHING, THEY GOT SUPER CREEPY HOW MUCH PEOPLE LIKED THEM BUT I MEAN I READ THEM ALL

The Clan of the Cave Bear

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THE FIRST BOOK WAS REALLY GOOD BUT THEN LATER SHE INVENTED HORSES AND BLOWJOBS. PS. AND BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AND MISSIONARY SEX AND DOGS AND SPEARS AND THE GIRL FROM CHRONO TRIGGER

The lord of the Rings (Series) [book]

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I READ THESE WHEN I WAS PRETTY YOUNG TO SHOW OFF THAT I COULD READ REALLY WELL IN LIKE 3RD GRADE AND THEY AREN'T TERRIBLE BOOKS BUT YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU HEAR ABOUT SOME REALLY OLD MOVIE AND EVERYTHING IN IT IS PAINFULLY CLICHE AND YOUR LIKE 'WHY IS THIS MOVIE SUCH A BIG DEAL' THEN MAYBE YOU REALIZE ALL THE CLICHES ARE CLICHES BECAUSE THAT MOVIE MADE EVERY SINGLE ONE UP SINGLE HANDEDLY? GOD LORD OF THE RINGS IS GENERIC CLICHE FANTASY. EXACTLY BECAUSE IT MADE UP THE STANDARDS AND WAS INSAINLY ORIGINAL AT THE TIME. PS. I'M TOM BOMBADIL! RING A DONG, RING A DILL, WANNA COME TO MY HOUSE AND SING ABOUT MY FAGGY SHOES FOR 10 PAGES?

Stranger in a Strange Land [book]

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THERE IS EXACTLY TWO ROBERT HEINLEIN BOOKS THAT ARE NOT 50% HOT GIRLS HAVING SPACE SEX WITH A GEINUS NERD THAT SEEMS UNREALISTICALLY LIKE HEINLEIN OR CRAZY ASS FETISH SEX AND THIS IS ONE AND LOOK IT'S A GOOD BOOK! PS. "THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS" IS THE OTHER. ALL YOU ZOMBIES IS A PRETTY GOOD STORY TOO BUT I CAN'T REALLY CLAIM IT DOESN'T CONTAIN WEIRD FETISH SEX.

Ishmael [book]

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I AM DANIEL QUINN, YOU AMERICANS ARE JUST TOO DUMB TO READ MY GENIUS ESSAY ABOUT HOW AWFUL PEOPLE ARE SO MAYBE IF A TALKING CHIMP TOLD IT TO YOU YOU'D LAP IT UP LIKE SHEEPLE. PS. YOU KNOW HOW IT'S COOL TO BE ANTI-INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION? AND HOW WE SUCK NOW AND DON'T LIVE IN HARMONY WITH NATURE. DANIEL QUINN IS ONE COOLER BECAUSE HE'S ALL DOWN ON THE AGRICULTURAL REVOLUTION.

I Am Legend

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HEY FRESH PRINCE DID YOU BOTHER TO READ THIS BOOK? THE REASON YOUR A FUCKING LEGEND IS THAT IT TURNS OUT THAT THE VAMPIRES ARE JUST HUMANS THAT ARE TRYING TO GET THE CHILDREN YOU KIDNAPPED BACK WHILE YOU MURDER THEM AS THEY SLEEP. THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GOD DAMN STORY IS THAT YOUR THE BAD GUY!!! THAT YOUR MURDERING HUMAN BEINGS THAT JUST LOOK SCARY AFTER TORTURING CHILDREN. YOUR A LEGEND THAT THEY WILL TELL FOREVER, A MONSTER THAT LURKS IN THE DAY WHILE THEY SLEEP, KILLING AND MUTILATING KIDS. PS. I, ROBOT WAS NOT ABOUT ROBOTS GOING INSAINE EITHER BTW!

The Lorax [book]

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I WENT TO HIPPY SUMMER CAMP AND SOME THEARDER COMPANY CAME AND DID A PLAY OF THIS BOOK AND THEN WE ALL HAD SOME BIG GAY THING WHERE WE HAD TO WRITE AN ALTERNITIVE ENDING AN PREFORM IT FOR THE PEOPLE. AND LIKE WE WROTE SOME THING WHERE THE LORAX BUSTED CAPS IN EVERYONE'S ASS AND KILLED THE ONCELER. AND ON THE NIGHT WE WERE SHOWING THEM THE PEOPLE RIGHT BEFORE US STARTED DOING THEIRS AND IT WAS THE SAME ULTRA VIOLENT SOLUTION AND THE LADY THAT WAS THE HEAD JUST STARTED CRYING AND SHAKING AND THE WHOLE THING HAD TO STOP AND THEN WE HAD TO GO ON INSTEAD BUT WE WERE DOING THE SAME THING SO WE WERE JUST LIKE STUMBLING THROUGH SOME AD LIBBING AND WE ALL HAD LIKE THROWN TOGETHER COMAND COSTUMES AND STUFF AND WE WERE ALL LIKE "I...SEE... YOUR... VIEWPOINT... LET..US.... COMPROMISE". PS. THE BEST SUESS BOOK WAS THE ONE THEY HAD A COLD WAR THEN BOTH MADE WACKY NUCLEAR BOMBS.

Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mount Everest Disaster [book]

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THEY ALL DIED BECAUSE THEY MADE BUNGA BUNGA ON THE MOUNTAIN. I SERIOUSLY WOULD NOT WANT TO MAKE BUNGA BUNGA IN LOW ATMOSPHERE THAT SEEMS TERRIBLE. PS. I HAD TO READ THIS FOR A CLASS AND IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BOOK BUT I HATE BOOKS A MILLION PERCENT LESS IF I READ THEM FOR A CLASS.

God Emperor of Dune [book]

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WHY WAS THERE A BILLY AND MANDY PARODY OF THIS, WHAT THE HELL, WHY WOULD THEY PICK THIS? EVEN JUST DUNE WOULD HAVE BEEN OBSCURE. BUT WHY GOD EMPEROR DUNE? THATS INSAINE. PS. THIS WAS THE LAST GOOD DUNE BOOK AND DID NOT CONTAIN ANY SPACE JEWS WITH THEIR SNEAKY SPACE JEW MAGIC. NO LITERALLY THERE WAS LITERALLY JEWS IN THE LATER BOOKS THAT LIVED IN SPACE AND HAD SNEAKY JEW MAGIC.

Hitchhiker's Guide [book]

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HEY LISTEN, 42 ISN'T THE MEANING OF LIFE, GOT IT? THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT IT ISN'T. THAT HUMANS EXPECTED THE ANSWER TO THE 'BIG QUESTION' TO BE THE ANSWER TO THE MEANING OF LIFE, BUT INSTEAD IT WASN'T ANYTHING AND WE REALIZED WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BIG QUESTION WAS TO BEGIN WITH. DNA SAYS IT'S JUST A FUNNY NUMBER. PS. IF IT'S ANYTHING IT'S THE ANSWER TO 'HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN BEFORE HE'S CONSITERED A MAN"

Frankenstein [book]

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YOU DIDN'T READ THE BOOK THE MONSTER'S NAME WASN'T FRANKENSTEIN, IF IT WAS ANYTHING IT WAS 'ADAM' ALSO HE WAS SMARTER AND GOODER AND FASTER AND MORE AGILE THAN A HUMAN AND ONLY BY REJECTION DID HE FALL. PS. ALSO IT HAS WEIRD OLDEY TIMEY STUFF WHERE THERE IS TROPICAL ISLANDS AT THE NORTH POLE AND IT REALLY CHANGES THE STORY TO KNOW THERE IS NOT SINCE HE DOESN'T GO THERE IN THE BOOK, LIKE I GUESS HE WON'T GO TO THE NORTH POLE AND BURN HIMSELF TO DEATH WILL HE?

The Time Ships [book]

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I'M STEPHEN BAXTOR, I'M WRITING A SEQUAL TO 'THE TIME MACHINE' WITH THE PERMISION OF THE WELLS ESTATE. I'LL START THE GUY WITH A REALLY HEAVY WELL WRITTEN ACCENT THEN FORGET ABOUT IT AFTER LIKE TWENTY PAGES AND NOT REMEMBER HE TALKS LIKE THAT TILL THE END. PS. ALSO I'LL HAVE THE MORLOCKS GO LIVE IN A DRYSON SPHERE AND THEN SEND HUMANS BACK TO GO HANG OUT WITH DINOSAURS THEN BY MODERN DAY ALL THE STARS WILL BE GONE BECAUSE HUMANS WILL CONVERT THEM ALL TO A GIANT RING OR SOMETHING TO ESCAPE THE UNIVERSE AND ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT ON EARTH IS NANOTECH WORMS AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH 'THE TIME MACHINE' BUT IT'S PRETTY DAMN COOL.

Manifold (SERIES) [book]

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I AM STEPHEN BAXTOR, I AM SO TERRIBLE AT WRITING CHARACTORS THAT I AM LITERALLY GOING TO GIVE UP TRYING AND JUST HAVE THE SAME GUY IN A BUNCH OF UNRELATED BOOKS THEN BASICALLY FORGET ABOUT HIM BECAUSE ALL THE BOOKS TAKE PLACE OVER LIKE 88 BILLION YEARS AND ARE BASED ON VAUGELY ACTUAL SCIENCE AND REALISTICISH PREDICTIONS AND I DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT SOME DUDE I WANNA WRITE ABOUT METHAIN ICE THAT IS ALIVE AND MOVES BY TILTING ONE SIDE TOWARDS THE STARS AND WARMING OVER THE COURSE OF MILLIONS OF YEARS. STEPHEN BAXTOR IS MY FAVORITE AUTHOR SOMETIMES BUT HE REALLY OPENLY JUST WRITES A BOOK THEN GOES 'OH I HAD A BETTER IDEA' AND WRITES THE SAME EXACT BOOK WITH ALL THE NAMES CHANGED AND SOMETHING ADDED. PS. BUT IF YOU READ ALL THE BOOKS YOU KNOW THE PHOTINO BIRDS WIN.

The Light of Other Days [book]

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THIS IS TRANSPARENTLY JUST A METAPHORE FOR THE INTERNET EXCEPT WHEN IT'S NOT. IT'S ABOUT A KIND OF CAMERA THAT CAN SEE ANYWHERE AT ANY POINT IN HISTORY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE AND HOW SOCIETY CHANGES AS IT GOES FROM A GOVERNMENT PROJECT TO A SCIENTIFIC TOOL TO A COMMON TOOL TO A UBIQUIDOUS THING WHERE PEOPLE GRAFT WORMHOLE CAMERAS ONTO THEIR EYES. PS. STEPHEN BAXTOR CAN'T WRITE CHARACTORS, HE IS LITERALLY UNABLE TO BUT HE WRITES BIG IDEAS BETTER THAN ANYONE SO I LOVE THIS BOOK BECAUSE AUTHUR C CLARK HELPED AND CLEARLY MADE STEPHEN BAXTOR INCLUDE ACTUAL PEOPLE AND NOT JUST TALK ABOUT SUBATOMIC PARTICLES FOR 900 PAGES. PLUS SOME GIRL WAS LIKE 'MY MOM DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG LET ME WATCH HER LIFE' AND THEN WAS ALL CREEPED OUT BECAUSE SHE MASTRUBATED A LOT AND WATCHING ANYONE LIKE THAT WOULD SO RUIN YOUR OPINION OF BASICALLY ANYONE I BET.

Brave New World [book]

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THE BEST PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT IT'S HARD TO ACTUALLY SAY WHAT PARTS ARE 'HORRIFYING VISION OF THE FUTURE' AND WHAT PARTS ARE LIKE 'OH HEY WE SHOULD PROBOBLY DO THAT THAT'D BE WAY BETTER THAN WHAT WE DO" PS. "ALPHA CHILDREN WEAR GREY. THEY WORK MUCH HARDER THAN WE DO, BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FRIGHTFULLY CLEVER. I'M AWFULLY GLAD I'M A BETA, BECAUSE I DON'T WORK SO HARD. AND THEN WE ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THE GAMMAS AND DELTAS. GAMMAS ARE STUPID. THEY ALL WEAR GREEN, AND DELTA CHILDREN WEAR KHAKI. OH NO, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH DELTA CHILDREN. AND EPSILONS ARE STILL WORSE. THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO BE ABLE TO READ OR WRITE. BESIDES THEY WEAR BLACK, WHICH IS SUCH A BEASTLY COLOR. I'M SO GLAD I'M A BETA."

Dark Tower (Series) [book]

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THE CONCEPT OF A WORLD THAT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY RUNNING DOWN IS AMAZING, THE MORAL CHALLENGES AND CHARACTERS ARE SOME OF THE BEST I CAN THINK OF. BLAIN THE MONO IS TERRIFYING. AND EVEN WHEN STEPHEN KING DREW EVERY SINGLE THING HE WROTE INTO THE DARK TOWER UNIVERSE IS WAS AWESOME, BECAUSE IT TIED EVERYTHING TOGETHER BUT DIDN'T RESTRICT OR OVER EXPLAIN ANYTHING. BUT THEN... THEN.... PS I'M STEPHEN KING! I'M WRITING THE LAST HALF OF THE STORY! I FORGOT WHY I WROTE YOU SUSANNA AND WHATS HIS FACE YOU CAN JUST GO HOME, AND I'M GONNA WRITE MYSELF INTO THE STORY, OH! AND SOME HARRY POTTER STUFF! OH AND I'LL HAVE THE BIG BAD ULTIMATE DEAMON DIE OF FOOD POISONING AND RANDEL FLAG JUST NOT DO ANYTHING, AND I'LL HAVE THE ULTIMATE BAD GUY HAVE SOMEONE ERASE HIM WITH A PENCIL AND I'LL HAVE EVERYONE GO TO MAINE FOR A WHILE AND THEN I'LL WRITE AN ENDING SO DUMB THAT I'LL PUT A PAGE TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO READ IT BECAUSE IT'S SO DUMB AND UNSATISFYING AND TRANSPAR

Villains by Necessity [book]

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THIS WAS A PRETTY GOOD IDEA FOR A BOOK, LIKE THE STORY WAS AFTER SOME RPG-ESQ BATTLE WITH THE GREAT EVIL AND EVIL WAS BANISHED FROM THE WORLD AND SO EVERYTHING WAS GREAT THEN IT WAS LIKE OH HEY, MAYBE WE NEEDED SOME EVIL SO SOME EVIL DUDES GO AND SAVE THE WORLD BY BRINGING EVIL BACK. PS. IT WAS LIKE A D&D BOOK BUT NOT QUITE.

Cat's Cradle [book]

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I TOLD MARY I WANTED A BOKONIST FUNERAL AND I WAS KIDDING BUT IF I DIED AND SHE DID THAT I WOULDN'T REALLY BE UPSET. GOD MADE MUD, GOD GOT LONESOME, SO GOD SAID TO SOME OF THE MUD, "SIT UP!", "SEE ALL I'VE MADE," SAID GOD, "THE HILLS, THE SEA, THE SKY, THE STARS." AND I WAS SOME OF THE MUD THAT GOT TO SIT UP AND LOOK AROUND. LUCKY ME, LUCKY MUD. I, MUD, SAT UP AND SAW WHAT A NICE JOB GOD HAD DONE. NICE GOING, GOD! NOBODY BUT YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT, GOD! I CERTAINLY COULDN'T HAVE. I FEEL VERY UNIMPORTANT COMPARED TO YOU. THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN FEEL THE LEAST BIT IMPORTANT IS TO THINK OF ALL THE MUD THAT DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SIT UP AND LOOK AROUND. I GOT SO MUCH, AND MOST MUD GOT SO LITTLE. THANK YOU FOR THE HONOUR! NOW MUD LIES DOWN AGAIN AND GOES TO SLEEP. WHAT MEMORIES FOR MUD TO HAVE! WHAT INTERESTING OTHER KINDS OF SITTING-UP MUD I MET! I LOVED EVERYTHING I SAW! GOOD NIGHT. I WILL GO TO HEAVEN NOW. I CAN HARDLY WAIT PS. ANTS AREN'

The Little Prince [book]

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"I AM DRINKING," REPLIED THE TIPPLER, WITH A LUGUBRIOUS AIR. "WHY ARE YOU DRINKING?" DEMANDED THE LITTLE PRINCE. "SO THAT I MAY FORGET," REPLIED THE TIPPLER. "FORGET WHAT?" INQUIRED THE LITTLE PRINCE, WHO ALREADY WAS SORRY FOR HIM. "FORGET THAT I AM ASHAMED," THE TIPPLER CONFESSED, HANGING HIS HEAD. "ASHAMED OF WHAT?" INSISTED THE LITTLE PRINCE, WHO WANTED TO HELP HIM. "ASHAMED OF DRINKING!" PS. "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU ARE EMPTY," HE WENT ON. "ONE COULD NOT DIE FOR YOU."

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency[book]

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I'M DOUGLAS ADAMS, I'M A WRITER FOR DOCTOR WHO. WHAT I LEFT THE SHOW? BETTER JUST WRITE MY DOCTOR WHO STORY IN IT'S OWN BOOK. PS. THIS IS MY LEAST FAVORITE DNA BOOK BUT THAT ONLY MEANS THAT I LIKE IT MORE THAN EVERY OTHER BOOK EVER AND LESS THAN EVERY OTHER DNA BOOK EVER. SOMEONE'S GOTTA BE THE WORST.

The Demon-Haunted World: Science As a Candle in the Dark [Book]

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CARL SAGAN IS SO NEAT, I ALWAYS HOPE HE'S PROUD OF US FOR GETTING THROUGH THE COLD WAR. I WISH CARL SAGAN WAS MY DAD. PS. THIS BOOK IS KINDA WEIRD NOW BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT LIKE POPULAR DELUSIONS AND SUPERSTITIONS AND MOSTLY ITS UP TO DATE BUT SOME OF THEM ARE ALL WEIRD AND OLDE TIMEY AND YOUR LIKE "WHAT WHO THINKS THAT?"

Snow Crash [book]

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HIRO PROTAGANIST ISN'T REALLY AS WITTY A NAME FOR THE MAIN CHARACTOR AS YOU THINK IT IS BUT THIS BOOK IS REALLY COOL AND I DON'T KNOW I GUESS SUMERIANS ARE COOL EVEN IF THEY PROBOBLY DIDN'T REALLY GET PROGRAMMED BY PRIESTS UNTIL ONE PROGRAMMED THEM TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES. PS. VAGINA NEEDLES.