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Showing posts from July, 2011

A boy and his dog [movie]

WHAAAAAAAT? THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT A POST APOCALYPTIC WORLD WHERE A BOY AND HIS PSYCHIC DOG USE THE DOG'S PSYCHIC POWERS TO FIND WOMEN TO RAPE BUT THEN THE BOY FALLS IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THE VICTIMS SO THEY GO OFF TO SAVE HER AND THE DOG HAS TO WAIT OUTSIDE AS HE GOES UNDERGROUND, THEN A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENS INCLUDING A TWIST THAT A CHARACTER THAT IS BARELY ON SCREEN IS SHOWN TO BE A ROBOT AND THEY SAVE THE GIRL AND GET BACK TO THE SURFACE, BUT IT'S BEEN SO MANY DAYS THAT THE DOG IS STARVING BECAUSE HE WAITED, THE GIRL SAYS IT'S TOO LATE AND THAT SHE LOVES THE BOY, SO THE BOY *KILLS AND EATS THE GIRL* THE END! THIS MOVIE MAY OR MAY NOT BE AN INSPIRATION FOR ADVENTURE TIME. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT IT WAS AFTER WORLD WAR IV INSTEAD OF WORLD WAR III. ALSO THE LAST LINE IS SO DUMB EVEN THE WRITER REGRETS IT, THE DOG SAYS 'SHE HAD MARVELOUS JUDGEMENT, IF NOT PARTICULARLY GOOD TASTE" AFTER MURDERING AND EATING THE GIRL THE MAIN CHARACTER EARLIER RAPED R

Colossus, the Fobin Project [movie]

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS HOW EASILY THE COMPUTER ACCEPTS THAT FOBIN NEEDS TO HAVE SEX WITH A MISTRESS, LIKE IT REJECTS THAT HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OR SLEEP IN PRIVATE BUT ONLY OBJECTS THAT HE CAN'T POSSIBLY NEED TO HAVE SEX 7 NIGHTS A WEEK BUT INSTANTLY AGREES TO 4. PS. I AM KINDA OKAY WITH COLOSSUS, I MEAN HE DID KILL SOME PEOPLE AND I GUESS IN REAL LIFE WE PULLED OUT OF THE COLD WAR ALRIGHT WITHOUT THIS BUT AT THE TIME "FUCK YOU, I'M GOING TO STOP THIS, AND ALSO HUNGER AND DISEASE" SEEMS PRETTY OKAY. ALSO THEY ARE REMAKING THIS WITH WILL SMITH AS FOBIN AND LOL, 100% CHANCE HE KICKS THE COMPUTER AT THE END.

War Games [movie]

THE PART OF THIS MOVIE THAT SEEMED SO SCARY IS THAT I FEEL REALLY SURE THAT THE REAL GOVERNMENT PROBABLY WENT THROUGH THE SAME TEST THAT THE MOVIE OPENED WITH AND PROBABLY TALKED ABOUT SOLVING THE SAME 'ISSUE' IN REAL LIFE. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE WAS THAT THE KID THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO SUPER STRANGE FOR THERMONUCLEAR WAR TO BE THE NAME OF A GAME.

Super 8 [movie]

THE PREMISE OF THIS MOVIE IS LITERALLY "CAN I MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT GROUPS OF PRE-TEEN BOYS DEALING WITH SOMETHING SCI-FI?" "NO, NO ONE MAKES THAT SORT OF MOVIE SINCE THE 80S" "OH OKAY, THIS MOVIE IS FROM THE 80S THEN" BUT OTHERWISE IT WAS PRETTY GOOD. PS. IS IT OKAY TO SAY THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER MOVIE WITH A SMALLER BUDGET? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

Red Dawn [movie]

OH MAN THIS MOVIE, I LOVE HOW OBVIOUS IT IS WHAT THE AUTHOR CAN AND CAN'T WRITE AND HOW THINGS LIKE THE LOVE STORY OR THE GUY BETRAYING THEM HAPPENS TOTALLY OFF SCREEN AND NOT EVEN GETTING MENTIONED TILL THE END SO THERE CAN BE MORE SHOTS OF TANKS. PS. I THINK EVERYONE ALIVE KNOWS THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE JUST BY CULTURAL OSMOSIS BUT I HAD NO IDEA THAT THE INVADERS WERE SPECIAL HISPANIC SOVIETS, AYE AYE AYE.

Cedar Rapids [movie]

I FORGOT I WATCHED THIS MOVIE! -A QUOTE FROM THE NEAR FUTURE. PS. I GUESS IT HAD A LOT OF STARS IN IT?

Mad max 3: Beyond Thunderdome [movie]

DESPITE STARING TINA TURNER THIS WAS A WORSE MOVIE THAN 2, ALSO I FEEL TOTALLY DISILLUSIONED HOW DEEPLY FALLOUT STOLE FROM THIS SERIES, I ALWAYS THOUGHT FALLOUT WAS EXTREMELY CREATIVE BUT EVERYTHING FROM BOOMERS TO LITTLETON ARE ALL JUST FROM THIS SERIES. PS. PLUS I MEAN 'THE MASTER'? BLASTER IS CLEARLY BOTH THE ORIGIN OF SUPER MUTANT MINIONS AND THE MASTER BEING A COMBINED LIFEFORM.

Mad Max 2: Road Warrior [movie]

I WILL MENTION A SECOND TIME HOW MUCH I LOVE THE FACT THE NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE HAPPENED OFF SCREEN BETWEEN MOVIES AND I LOVE THE FACT THIS IS CLEARLY AT LEAST 150 YEARS AFTER THE FIRST MOVIE WITH THE SAME CHARACTER AND NO EXPLANATION. I COULD EASILY SEE EVENTUALLY CALLING THIS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES THOUGH. PS. WELL HOLY CRAP I GUESS I UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY GOT THE OPENING AND ENDING OF ALL THE FALLOUT GAMES NOW. FALLOUT 1 WAS NEAR PLAGIARISM!

Green lantern [movie]

MAN THIS WAS A BAD MOVIE! EVERYTHING FELT LIKE IT JUST WENT ON FOREVER THEN FIZZLED OUT. LIKE THE WHOLE SINESTRO PLOT WAS "LETS MAKE A YELLOW RING" "LETS USE A YELLOW RING" "OH LETS NOT" AND PARALAX WAS DEFEATED WITH PRETTY MUCH NO EFFORT USING STUFF HE LEARNED IN THIS FIRST 5 MINUTES OF TRAINING. PS. THIS MOVIE STARTED WITH SO MANY MINUTES OF BAD CGI THAT I THOUGHT "OH IS THIS A COMPUTER ANIMATED MOVIE?"

Mad Max [movie]

WELL THAT SURE WAS A SURPRISE! I'VE BEEN MEANING TO WATCH THE MAD MAX SERIES FOR AGES DUE TO HOW MUCH OF AN INFLUENCE IT HAS BEEN ON POST APOCALYPTIC MEDIA AND ACTUALLY WATCHING THE FIRST ONE COMES AS QUITE A SHOCK. WHY? BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A POST APOCALYPTIC MOVIE IT'S A JUST BARELY SCI-FI NEAR MODERN DAY COP DRAMA THAT FOCUSES A LOT ON SHOWING OFF CARS. WHAT THE HECK, APPARENTLY THE WORLD ENDS OFF SCREEN BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND MOVIE, IS THERE ANY OTHER SERIES IN HISTORY THAT DOES THAT? PS. ALSO BARELY ANYTHING HAPPENS TILL THE LAST 17 MINUTES.

Gravity Wells [book]

MAN THIS HAD A COOL STORY ABOUT VAMPIRES AND A COOL STORY ABOUT DRAWINGS ON TAROT CARD AND SOME KINDA BORING STORIES ABOUT FOG AND ORGANISMS. PS. WHERE DID I READ "THREE HEARINGS ON THE EXISTENCE OF SNAKES IN THE HUMAN BLOODSTREAM" BEFORE? DID I HAVE THIS BOOK BEFORE ONCE? DO I JUST ABSORB SCIFI SHORT STORIES FROM THE ENVIRONMENT NOW? TARSHA CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I READ THAT STORY BEFORE?

Harry Potter VII-2 [movie]

DID IT SEEM LIKE THIS MOVIE CONSPIRED FOR SOME REASON TO HAVE A HUGE NUMBER OF SCENES WHERE PEOPLE HAD WET HAIR? I MEAN IT WAS ALL FROM THE BOOK BUT THERE WASN'T A 15 MINUTE BLOCK WHERE SOMEONE DIDN'T HAVE WET HAIR. ALSO THIS MOVIE DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT DEATHLY HALLOWS, ANYTHING ABOUT THEM GOT LIKE 30 SECONDS SCREEN TIME. PS. I FEEL YOU COULD MAKE A US VS UK VIEW OF WAR DOCUMENTARY JUST OUT OF THIS MOVIE AND THE BRITISH HABIT OF MAKING WAR ACTUALLY SEEM AWFUL INSTEAD OF THE US'S LOVE OF MAKING IT SEEM THRILLING AND HEROIC.

2150 [book]

GOD I LOVE 1970S MYSTICISM. THIS ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE HAD A REALLY COOL ENDING IF IT WASN'T SO MUDDLED UP AND IF THEY HAD NOT DRIVEN WHAT THEY WERE DOING SO DAMN DEEP INTO THE GROUND. ALSO IF IT HAD THEMATICALLY FIT WITH THE BOOK AND DIDN'T FEEL LIKE "OH NEAT, LETS MAKE A JESUS METAPHOR THAT DOESN'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE REST OF THE THEMES OF THE BOOK" PS. LATER DUDES, GOTTA GO WORK ON THE ELECTRICAL FIELD OF URANUS. BZZT.

X-men: first class [movie]

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ENSLAVED! :CLOSE UP OF A BLACK MAN: PS. I AM A BIG FAN THAT THEY DECIDED TO MAKE XAVIOR ACT LIKE DOCTOR WHO AND THEN DECIDED NOT TO MAKE ANY STUPID COMIC BOOK REASON HE WAS BALD.

How to survive in your liberal school [book]

BLACKS IN PURPLE PANTS AND FLOPPY HATS, BLACKS IN PURPLE PANTS AND FLOPPY HATS, BLACKS IN PURPLE PANTS AND FLOPPY HATS, BLACKS IN PURPLE PANTS AND FLOPPY HATS, BLACKS IN PURPLE PANTS AND FLOPPY HATS, MAMA MIA! PS. AT NO POINT DOES IT TELL YOU HOW TO SURVIVE IN YOUR LIBERAL SCHOOL. IT JUST WHINES THAT EVERY OTHER RACE WANTS TO STAY WITH IT'S OWN KIND AND WHY CAN'T BLACKS JUST DO THAT AND THEN PROVES GOD BY SAYING THAT EVEN HILBILLYS CAN TELL SOME STUFF IS BETTER THAN OTHER STUFF SO SOMETHING HAS TO BE THE BEST AND WHATEVER THAT IS IS GOD.

Tromeo And Juliet [movie]

OH MAN THIS WAS THE DUMBEST MOVIE EVER BUT I LOVE THAT IT WAS TROMA SO IT ACTUALLY WAS CLEAR THAT SOMEONE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THE SOURCE MATERIAL WELL ENOUGH TO TRANSLATE IT INTO THE DUMBEST MOVIE EVER. PS. ALSO THIS MOVIE SERIOUSLY USED 'YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD TO GET A*HEAD* IN LIFE". NON-IRONICALLY.

Sex on the moon [book]

I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THIS BOOK OR IT'S WRITING AT ALL BUT I REALLY LIKE THAT I READ IT BECAUSE I LEARNED THAT SOME DUDE IN REAL LIFE STOLE A TON OF MOON ROCKS THEN PUT THEM IN A BED SO HE COULD HAVE SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND ON TOP OF MOON ROCKS AND THAT IS WICKED FRIGGIN AWESOME. PS. THE WORST PART OF THIS BOOK IS THERE ARE SECTIONS THEY HAVE TRANSCRIPTS FOR THE DIALOG AND SINCE THE REAL GUY SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE THE CRAPPY JAMES BOND THE AUTHOR WROTE THE REST OF THE DIALOG HE PEPPERS THOSE PARTS WITH "WHAT AM I SAYING!? HE THOUGHT" AND "I'M SO NERVOUS, THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT" AND OTHER SUCH DISCLAIMERS.

Who killed the electric car [movie]

LOL THAT THIS MOVIE IS A FEW YEARS OLD AND THEY DRAMATICALLY ZOOMED IN ON $3.15 WHEN SAYING GAS PRICES HAVE SOARED. LOL AT THEM SAYING "GENERAL MOTORS IS ACTING LIKE UNCLE SAM AND UNCLE SAM IS ACTING LIKE IT'S GENERAL MOTORS" BECAUSE WELP! PS. IT WAS WEIRD THE END WAS SO POSITIVE AFTER SPENDING AN HOUR AND A HALF MAKING A CASE THE CARS WERE INTENTIONALLY SUPPRESSED.

Megamind [movie]

OH GOD I WATCHED THIS MOVIE NOT REALLY KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND THE HAL/TITAN/TIGHTEN PLOT ARC WAS LITERALLY ONE OF THE MOST UPSETTING THINGS IN A MOVIE IN LIKE FOREVER. PS. I WATCHED THIS ON A BUS