Posts

Showing posts from December, 2012

Frog Fractions [game]

SERIOUSLY, I HAD IT SOMEWHAT SPOILED, YOU GOTTA JUST TRUST ME, YOU GOTTA PLAY THIS GAME, FOR REAL. PS. SERIOUSLY, THIS GAME, HOLY CRAP.

Darksiders [game]

OH MAN THIS GAME. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. IT STARTS OUT AS A REALLY NOT VERY GOOD ACTION PLATFORMER, IT'S JUST NOT GOOD. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, MAYBE TWO LEVELS IN, YOU GET A SPINNING BLADE AND IT'S LIKE, 'HEY THIS IS KINDA THE BOOMERANG FROM ZELDA' THEN YOU START FINDING BOMBADAS FLOWERS, THEN JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN THE GAME JUST TRANSFORMS INTO BEING A SUPER GRIMDARK ZELDA GAME, JUST ENTIRELY, AND DOES A GOOD BUT RIDICULOUS JOB ABOUT IT. PS. THERE IS EVEN GRIMDARK BOTTLES AND GRIMDARK HEART CONTAINERS AND GRIMDARK EPONIA AND A GRIMDARK EPONIA LEAPING A BROKEN BRIDGE TO A DESERT. THE HOOKSHOT DOESN'T SEEM ANY MORE GRIMDARK THAN NORMAL THOUGH, AND ALSO THERE IS A PORTAL GUN WITH BLUE AND ORANGE PORTALS TOO, THAT ISN'T ZELDA.

Jack and Jill [movie]

SOMETIMES I JUST WATCH MOVIES SO I CAN BRAG THAT I WATCHED THEM TO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON THAT WOULD CONSIDER IT BRAGGING.  PS. I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN TIMMY MEDOWS IN A MOVIE FOREVER. HE APPEARS TO BE THE EXACT SAME AGE. 

Jack Reacher [movie]

OKAY, SO, I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE THIS MOVIE, BUT I HAVE A REAL WEIRD FEELING THAT THIS MOVIE WENT OVER MY HEAD OR SOMETHING. LIKE IT SEEMED LIKE A DUMB, OVER SERIOUS, UGLY ACTION MOVIE. BUT THERE ARE A COUPLE PARTS THAT IT WAS BLATANTLY BEING A PARODY, LIKE WHEN THEY WENT TO 'DEFAULT AUTO PARTS' AFTER TRYING TO THINK OF THE DEFAULT AUTO PART STORE AND THE CROWBAR FIGHT WHERE THE GOONS KEPT HITTING EACHOTHER THREE STOOGES STYLE. IT MAKES ME WONDER IF THIS MOVIE WAS SATIRE AND I AM JUST MOSTLY TOO DUMB TO NOTICE? OR IF I AM BEING DUMB THINKING THAT? PS. AT THE START SOMEONE SAYS 'WHO IS JACK REACHER' AND SOMEONE ELSE SAYS 'HE IS A GHOST' AND I KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT, BUT I TOTALLY WANT TO WATCH THAT MOVIE NOW.

Aachi And Ssipak [movie]

I AM PRETTY SURE SOUTH KOREA IS THE NEXT JAPAN SO I WANT TO START EARLY WATCHING SOUTH KOREAN MOVIES. ALSO THERE IS A LOT OF SOUTH KOREAN MOVIES THAT ARE REALLY REALLY GOOD. THIS ON THE OTHER HAND IS A MOVIE ABOUT COMPUTER CHIPS BEING INSTALLED IN EVERYONE'S ANUS SO THE GOVERNMENT CAN BUY THEIR POOPS. (ACTUALLY THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY GOOD AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SEEN KOREAN ANIMATION BEING THIS WAY BEFORE: TERRIBLE CHARACTER MODELS AND AMAZING ANIMATION QUALITY. BUT I COULD BE THINKING OF DEAD LEAVES). PS. THIS HAD A RELATIVELY EXTENDED MISERY PARODY, IS MISERY A THING PEOPLE IN SOUTH KOREA WATCH AND CARE ABOUT?

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey [movie]

HERE IS MY THEORY: THE REASON THIS MOVIE IS SO RADAGAST HEAVY IS BECAUSE THEY FELT BAD THEY LEFT TOM BOMBADIL OUT OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS AND THEY FELT LIKE THEY COULDN'T DIRECTLY INCLUDE HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT PARTICULARLY MOBILE, SO THEY MADE UP A NEW TOM BOMBADIL OUT OF A CHARACTER THAT ONLY IS VAGUELY MENTIONED AND IS ALSO ALL NATUREY. PS. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE DECIDED THEY HATED THIS MOVIE BEFORE IT EVEN CAME OUT. I HAVE ALWAYS PREFERRED THE HOBBIT TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS. I LOVE THAT THIS EVEN INCLUDED SOME OF THE STUPID SONGS. THE WEIRD OLD ROTOSCOPPED VERSION IS STILL MY FAVORITE THOUGH, I WATCHED THAT MOVIE DOZENS OF TIMES AS A KID.

Paranorman [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE FAILED BECAUSE IT MARKETED ITSELF AS A ZOMBIE MOVIE AND THEN GAVE ITSELF THE DUMBEST AND BLANDEST TITLE POSSIBLE. ALSO EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WAS STOP ANIMATION MY BRAIN KEPT DECIDING IT WAS CGI. I LIKE HOW THERE HAS NOT BEEN A HIGH BUDGET STOP MOTION MOVIE WITHOUT HALLOWEEN THEMES FOR LIKE 20 YEARS NOW. IT'S THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE STOP MOTION SUBJECT MATTER. PS. AN EXPLICITLY GAY CHARACTER IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE WITH NO OVERT NEGATIVE PORTRAYAL. IS THAT A FIRST FOR AN AMERICAN MOVIE?

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars [movie]

I WATCHED THIS AS A COMPANION TO 'FOOD FIGHT!'. I ACTUALLY READ THE FIRST BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER BOOK SO I KINDA FEEL LIKE I KINDA UNDERSTAND WHY THIS EXISTS AND AM IN ON THE JOKE BUT MAN THE MORALITY IN THIS IS FRIGGIN SCREWED UP. LIKE, THE ARGUMENT THEY MAKE TO THE WONDERLUXES REALLY SEEMS TO BE THAT THEY NEED TO ACCEPT DEATH AND FILL THE ROLES THEY WERE GIVEN AS SLAVES, DESPITE THE FACT THE REASON THEY REBELLED WAS THAT THEY WERE BEING DELIBERATELY KILLED. PS. I DON'T KNOW WHY A CHRISTMAS ANGEL WAS A CHARACTER  THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

Hallucinations [book]

THIS BOOK DID THREE THINGS: IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT HOW MANY TYPES OF HALLUCINATIONS THERE IS AND HOW MANY THINGS ARE ACTUALLY HALLUCINATIONS BUT NO ONE WOULD EVER THINK OF THEM THAT WAY NORMALLY. IT MADE A CONVINCING CASE THAT MIGRAINES ARE A MILD FORM OF EPILEPSY WHICH I HAD NEVER HEARD BEFORE AND IT TAUGHT ME OLIVER SACKS IS THE KINDA DRUG USER THAT YOU ARE LIKE "MAN, YOU ARE KINDA WEIRD ABOUT THIS, THAT IS TOO MUCH DRUGS MAN". PS. ALSO IT VERIFIED FINALLY THAT HYPERFAMILIARITY IS A REAL THING BECAUSE I GOT THAT ONCE WHEN I HAD A SUPER HIGH FEVER FOR LIKE 12 HOURS AND I NEVER KNEW IF THAT WAS AN ACTUAL THING OR IF IT WAS JUST GENERAL CRAZY FROM FEVER.

Food Fight [movie]

HOLY FUCKING CRAP THIS MOVIE IS SOMETHING AMAZING. THIS IS UP THERE WITH GOOBY. THIS IS LITERALLY ABOUT A DOGTECTIVE FIGHTING NAZI CEREAL, THE DOGTECTIVE IS LITERALLY EXPLICITLY JEWISH, THE DOGTECTIVE'S RACE IS REFERRED TO CONSTANTLY AS "IKES". THE MIDDLE AGED JEWISH DOGMAN IS SLEEPING WITH A CHILD LOOKING CHILD WHO IS VOICED BY A LITERAL CHILD. THE SCENE FROM CASSABLANCA WHERE THEY ALL SING IS IN THIS MOVIE. A CHARACTER TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH HE ENJOYS BEING VIOLATED. A CHARACTER DIES AND COMMENTS ON HOW HE HAS WET HIMSELF AND HOW MUCH HE ENJOYS THAT. A CHARACTER IS REFEREED TO AS A 'COLD FARTED ITCH". A BLACK CHOCOLATE SQUIRREL MAN IMPLIES HE WILL EJACULATE CHOCOLATE FROSTING ON A WOMAN AND ALSO IS HIT IN THE FACE WITH WATERMELONS. A 3 INCH TALL WOMEN IMPLIES SHE RETURNED TO THE US VIA HAVING SEX WITH MEN BECAUSE 'SIZE ONLY MATTERS FOR MEN'. EVERYTHING IS SEXUAL AND THERE IS A GAY PREDATORY BAT AND PLANES COME OUT OF A WOMEN'S VAGINA. THIS MOVIE COST

Saints Row The Third [game]

HOLY CRAP, I DID NOT EXPECT TO ENJOY THIS GAME AS MUCH AS I DID, THIS GAME IS MAGICAL. I MEAN IT'D BE TERRIBLE IF EVERY GAME WAS THIS WAY, BUT THIS GAME STARTS YOU ABOUT WHERE MOST GAMES WOULD END AND JUST KEEPS RATCHETING THINGS UP AND UP WHERE YOU KEEP THINKING IT CAN'T GO ANY FARTHER INTO CRAZY TOWN BUT IT JUST DOES ANYWAY. IT'S ALSO FRANKLY AMAZING HOW MANY TIMES JUST ONE SINGLE MISSION WILL HAVE ALL KINDS OF CRAZY ART ASSETS AND GAMEPLAY MECHANICS THAT ARE TOTALLY UNIQUE TO THAT MISSION AND NEVER EVER ARE USED AGAIN, JUST DECKERS DIE ALONE, GOD. PLUS IT HAS THE 'SPORTS' SONG FROM TIM AND ERIC? WHAT? PS. SOMEONE ELSE POINTED THIS OUT TO ME, BUT MAN, THERE IS 7 VOICE CHOICES, AND WHILE I GUESS SOME OF THE DIALOG IS SCRIPTED THE SAME FOR EVERYONE A MAJORITY OF IT IS SOMEWHAT ADLIBED, AND IT'S ALL GREAT, AND MAKES THE EFFECT THAT WHOEVER YOU PICKED AS YOUR CHARACTER IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN IMAGINE THE GAME BEING.

Wreck it Ralph [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS WEIRD, IT FELT MUDDLED UP LIKE SOMETHING WENT WRONG WHILE THEY WERE WRITING IT. LIKE WAS IT A BACKDOOR ATTEMPT TO MAKE A SUGAR RUSH MOVIE AND THEY HAD TO PITCH IT AS SOMETHING ELSE? PLUS A BUNCH OF THE PLOTS SEEMED TACKED ON. AND THE KING'S LOGIC SEEMED SOLID EVEN IF HE WAS LIEING, BECAUSE AT THE END EVEN FOR REAL SHE WAS A GLITCH (FOR SOME REASON). PS. I PIRATED A CRAPPY CAM COPY, NORMALLY I NEVER DO THAT, JUST FOR QUALITY REASONS, FOR SOME REASON WRECK IT RALPH BEING IN SONIC ALL STARS RACERS MADE THE WHOLE MOVIE SEEM SCUMMY ENOUGH I DECIDED TO WATCH A SCREENER COPY INSTEAD OF PAY A DOLLAR TO SEE IT FOR REAL?

A Christmas Story [movie]

I CERTAINLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE BETTER CONTEXT FOR A LOT OF CULTURAL REFERENCES NOW. ALTHOUGH I SUPPOSE I KNEW WHAT MOST OF THEM WERE AHEAD OF TIME TO SOME DEGREE SO WATCHING THIS MOVIE WAS SORTA JUST 'OH, RED RYDER BB GUN' 'FA RA RA RA RA' 'DRINK OVALTINE' PS. I WILL WATCH THIS MOVIE TO COMPETE WITH YOUR MOM

The Great Happiness Space [movie]

HOLY CRAP. THE BEST DOCUMENTARIES ARE THE ONES ABOUT A THING WHERE YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS REALLY A THING. THIS THING IS PRETTY NUTS, I HAD NO IDEA. I STILL FEEL LIKE SAYING 'WHAT?". PS. THE BEST PART WAS WHEN HE WAS LIKE 'SOMETIMES WE THROW UP BLOOD' AND THEN NOTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE THING WAS ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE THAT.

To the Moon [game]

CALLING THIS A GAME IS REALLY PUSHING IT, IT'S A VISUAL NOVEL IN A 16 BIT LOOKING FORMAT, IT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY HOW FOR THE FIRST HOUR OR SO IT TRIED TO BE A GAME WITH REOCCURRING TRIVIAL PUZZLES BUT AFTER THAT ABANDONED ANY PRETENSE AND JUST WENT WITH WHAT IT IS. ALTHOUGH AT ONE POINT YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ANIMAL ANIMORPH DAVID IS? WHAT? ALSO I FEEL LIKE A BIG TWIST WAS RUINED BECAUSE I ALREADY KNEW WHAT SORT OF PERSON CALLS SOMEONE 'NEROTYPICAL' PS. I REALLY HONESTLY FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IRL WHEN I REALIZED WHAT THE HAPPY ENDING WAS GOING TO BE. IT PAINTS IT AS A GOOD END BUT JESUS CHRIST IT IS ALMOST LITERALLY THE WORST THING I CAN IMAGINE HAPPENING. I IRL YELLED 'NO' AT THE SCREEN WHEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

Okami [game]

I REALLY ENJOYED THIS GAME, YOU CAN TELL I ENJOYED THIS GAME SO MUCH BECAUSE I CONSTANTLY WAS USING THINGS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE MOST FUN INSTEAD OF USING WHATEVER WAS BEST LIKE LOTS OF GAMES (BARKING BEADS AT THINGS) BUT HOLY CRAP DID I NOT CARE ABOUT THE STORY AFTER THE FIRST HALF, IT WASN'T EVEN BAD, THE FIRST HALF WAS JUST SO GOOD I COULDN'T MAKE MYSELF CARE ABOUT THE REST. PS. THIS GAME WAS GREAT BECAUSE I COULD RECOGNIZE A TON OF STUFF FROM OTHER GAMES, AND SINCE EVERYTHING IN THIS GAME IS JAPANESE FOLKLORE I WAS CONSTANTLY LIKE "OH! SO THAT IS A THING!" BUT WAIT, IS MR SATAN A THING? PPS. 100% MORE DOG ANUS THAN ANY GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED.