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Showing posts from August, 2014

Blood Glacier [movie]

THIS MOVIE HAS SOME OF THE WORST DUBBING IVE EVER SEEN. "STOP EATING THAT BANANA WHILE YOUR CRYING!!!!" PS. THIS MOVIE WANTED TO 'THE THING' SO BAD.

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction [movie]

I HELD THIS MOVIE AS SOME SORT OF SAFETY VALVE. LIKE IF DAYS GOT TO HOT THIS WAS AROUND SO I COULD GO SPEND LIKE 4 HOURS IN AN AIR CONDITIONED MOVIE BUT SEPTEMBER HAS COME AND I DIDN'T NEED IT SO I WATCHED IT AS SOME PIRATE THING WHILE READING. HONESTLY IT IS JUST A REGULAR NOT GREAT ACTION MOVIE LIKE THE FIRST ONE WAS, NOT A HORRIBLE TORTURE LIKE THE SECOND AND THIRD. I'D EVEN SAY I LIKED THE GALVATRON SUBPLOT BECAUSE IT WAS SOME GRADE A ANIME BULLSHIT. PS. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WAS UP WITH THE IRISH PEDOPHILE THING? WHY DID IT NEED TO BE IN THE MOVIE? LIKE WHY NOT MAKE HER 18? WHY BRING IN SOME WEIRD TEXAS LAW EXPLANATION WHY AN ADULT IS SLEEPING WITH A CHILD? OR AT LEAST HAND WAVE THAT THEY ARE DATING BUT NOT FUCKING?

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For [movie]

GOOD LORD THIS MOVIE SUCKED. I MEAN THE FIRST ONE WAS A BIT IFFY BUT THIS ONE WAS JUST A DISASTER. I MEAN I GET THAT INVOKING CLICHES IS A THING TO PULL UP A CERTAIN MOOD BUT GOOD LORD THERE IS A LINE. PS. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE WAS LAW AND ORDER BEING IN IT AND ALSO THE ALL STATE GUY?

Stage Fright [movie]

I LOVE THIS AWFUL MOVIE. ITS A SLASHER MOVIE MUSICAL OPERA. THE SONGS ARE REAALY GOOD IN THEIR OWN DUMB WAY AND THE HORROR IS WICKED GORY AND MEATLOAF IS IN IT. AND I THINK THE END IS A REFERANCE TO PHANTASM. ALSO THE END CREDIT SONG IS HILARIOUS. PS. I LAUGHED EVERY TIME THEY SAID "OPERA GHOST"

Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition Player's Handbook [book]

REMEMBER HOW FINAL FANTASY 1 TRIED TO COPY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MAGIC BUT IT WAS A NES GAME SO IT COULDN'T QUITE. WELL LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW! (IT'S PATHFINDER THAT IS LAUGHING BECAUSE THEY MADE IT WAY WAY MORE LIKE PATHFINDER, EXCEPT THE 'ADVANTAGE/DISADVANTAGE' THING WHICH TAKES SO MUCH MATH OUT OF D&D I FEEL SHOCKED THEY ALLOWED IT TO GET IN). ALSO I REALLY LIKE THAT THEY TOOK THE STANDARD "GENDER DOESN'T MATTER" PARAGRAPH THAT D&D BOOKS HAS HAD FOR A LONG TIME AND THEN JUST KINDA GOES "FUCK IT" AND GIVES A LITTLE SPEECH ABOUT HOW THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO BE TRANSGENDERED OR AN INTERSEXED ELF OR SOMETHING. PS. I DON'T LIKE PLAYING D&D, IT'S NOT VERY FUN. YEARS AND YEARS AGO, DURING SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY ENTIRE LIFE I WAS TOTALLY UNRELATEDLY READING SOME BIG PILE OF D&D BOOKS SOMEONE HAD AND MY BRAIN VERY CLEARLY TOOK THAT AS CAUSE AND EFFECT AND NOW I ALWAYS READ D&D RULE BOOKS TO TRY AND REC...

Cane Toads [movie, nonfiction]

I LIKE TOADS, I REALLY LIKE TOADS, THEY ARE ONE OF THE TOP TEN BEST ANIMALS. IT REALLY SUCKS THAT THESE ARE POISON AND KILL ANIMALS BECAUSE DAMN I'D LOVE TO LIVE SOMEWHERE THAT WAS JUST FULL OF BIG DUMB TOADS. I LOVED THE FACT THERE IS DRUG ADDICT DOGS THOUGH. PS. THE PART WHERE IT WAS EXPLAINING BRINGING THEM TO AUSTRALIA TO KILL CANE BEETLES AND IT NOT WORKING THEN IT JUST BEING A CLOSEUP OF A TOAD FACE AND A CAPTION THAT SAID 'CANE TOADS WERE A FAILURE" MADE ME LAUGH EXTREMELY HARD OUT LOUD.

Her Master's Voice [movie, nonfiction]

OKAY, SO THIS IS A MOVIE AND SHE KNOWS SHE IS MAKING A MOVIE SO I CAN WRITE IT OFF AS HER DOING A BIT BUT I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH MOVIE EVER. I JUST MADE WEIRD SPUTTERY F SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH FOR A WHILE AFTER THE SCENE SHE TALKED ABOUT MONKEY AND ABORTION. FUCK, WHAT? VENTHAVEN ITSELF WAS SUPER CREEPY. THE PART SHE DROWNED GRANDMA IS SUPER CREEPY. THE FACT THAT I WROTE THIS WHOLE REVIEW THEN REALIZED NO ONE READING IT HAS ANY IDEA WHAT THIS IS A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT FROM MY DESCRIPTION IS CREEPY. PS. THE GUY BIFRICATING WAS A THING I NEVER HAVE SEEN BEFORE AND IT WAS SUPER CREEPY.

Chariot of the Gods [movie]

I ACTUALLY READ THE BOOK WHEN I WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE DUMB ENOUGH TO THINK IT MIGHT BE REAL. NOW WATCHING IT IS IS THE GRANDDADDY OF EVERY AWFUL HISTORY CHANNEL SHOW. IT'S ACTUALLY WEIRD HOW FAST AND SHOTGUNNY THEY WERE ABOUT THINGS. LIKE IT WAS VAGUELY THE FIRST TO COME UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT BUT THEY JUST BLAST THROUGH EVERYTHING AT SUCH A BREAKNECK PACE, COMPARED TO MODERN STUFF THAT JUST TALKS AND TALKS AND TALKS. PS. THIS THING HAS SOME PRETTY DAMN GOOD 70S MUSIC AT POINTS, HOLY CRAP.

The Giver [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE WAS JAM PACKED WITH REALLY TERRIBLE ACTING BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOVIES WHERE THE ACTING IS SUPPOSED TO BE STIFF AND UNNATURAL BUT LIKE IT STILL IS THAT EVEN IF THERE IS PLOT REASONS FOR IT. PS. I DON'T CARE IF THEY WROTE OTHER BOOKS HE CLEARLY DIED AT THE END, THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T DIE AT THE END.

Wetlands [movie]

THIS IS BASICALLY GROSS OUT AMELIE BUT WITH BODY FLUIDS. LIKE A MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL THAT TALKED ABOUT HEMEROIDS AND SWAPPING USED TAMPONS WITH ANOTHER GIRL A LOT WITNOUT BEING A PARODY. LIKE THIS MOVIE EVEN HAD THAT SCENE WHERE SOMEONE ASKS "WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO" THEN PUTS ON THE LOVE INTERESTS HEADPHONES BUT THE MAIN PLOT IS HER BEING STUCK IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER CUTTING HER ANUS SHAVING AND NEEDING SURGERY BUT LIKE THE MOVIE ISNT A COMEDY DIRECTLY? PS. THIS MOVIE GOT KINDA BORING DESPITE THE REALLY SHOCKING IMAGRY AND THE HIPSTER WIMSY BUT I WATCHED THIS WITH REALLY BAD BOOTLEG SUBTITLES THAT WOULD DRIFT OFF BY ALMOST A FULL MINUTE SO WHO KNOWS. 

Evacuate Earth [movie, nonfiction]

THIS IS JUST A DUMB MADE FOR TV DOCUMENTARY BUT MAN IS IT DUMB. NEARLY EVERY SCENE CONTAINS ABUNCH OF CLEARLY WRONG SCIENCE. ITS ALL AWFUL. IT MADE ME ANGRY TO WATCH. ALSO WEIRD AND SAD BECAUSE ALL THE WEIRD FAKE NEWS SEGMENTS WERE SHOT LIKE LICAL NEWS, NOT LIKE EVERYONE IS DEAD. PS. EVEN THEIR STUPID COUNTDOWN CALENDER WAS WRONG WITH IT FLIPPING FROM 6 YEARS 1 MONTH TO 5 YEARS 0 MONTHS INSTRAD OF FIVE YEARS TWELVE MONTHS. LIKE THEY COULDNT EVEN COUNT MONTHS RIGHT CONSISTANTLY. 

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy [movie, nonfiction]

THIS WAS A GOOD DOCUMENTARY BECAUSE IT DIDN'T DO THAT BORING THING OF FORCING EVERYTHING TO BE POSITIVE SO IF SCENES OR WHOLE MOVIES SUCKED THEY JUST TALKED ABOUT THAT. ALSO IT EXPLAINED THE SPECIAL EFFECTS AND A LOT WERE WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN I HAD IMAGINED. ALSO THE EXPLANATION FOR THE SECOND MOVIE SEEMS TO BE THAT EVERYONE WORKING ON IT WAS GAY SO THEY ALL DECIDED TO PUT A LITTLE SUBTEXT IN BUT SINCE EVERYONE DID IT IT BECAME SUPER TEXT. PS. I THINK THIS IS THE LONGEST MOVIE I HAVE WATCHED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. NO JOKE.

Dragon's Crown [game]

I DON'T KNOW, THIS GAME WAS OKAY. IT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I GOT THIS AS A PS+ GAME SO I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT SO IT KINDA BLEW MY MIND WHEN THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF WAS A MULTIPLAYER GAME. ALSO LIKE 90% OF THE TIME PLAYING MULTIPLAYER THERE WAS TOO MUCH CRAP ON THE SCREEN TO SEE ANYTHING SO I JUST WOULD JUMP BACK AND FORTH THE WHOLE GAME BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP DOING THE MOST DAMAGE HALF THE TIME. PS. I THINK THIS GAME HAS THE WORST FEMALE ANATOMY OF ANY GAME OR MEDIA EVER CREATED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING!? WHO IS THAT SEXY TO?

Side by Side [movie, nonfiction]

THIS DOCUMENTARY WAS SHOCKINGLY GOOD. I PLANNED TO WATCH IT AS BACKGROUND NOISE BUT WATCHED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I THINK I LIKE LISTENING TO DIRECTORS AND I KNOW I AM CRAZY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY SO I GUESS A MOVIE ABOUT CAMERAS IS APPARENTLY THE MOST INTERESTING MOVIE EVER. ALSO I THINK DAVID LYNCH WAS MAKING FUN OF KEANU BY SAYING HIS NAME INTENTIONALLY OVER MUCH. PS. I WONDER. THIS WAS ALL FLAT STANDARD INTERVIEWS BUT I WONDER IF THIS MOVIE SEEMED SHOCKINGLY GOOD BE AUSE SOMEHOW TALKING TO EVERY WORTHWHILE DURECTOR IN HOLLYWOOD WHILE MAKING IT GOT THEM SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO SHOOT IT?

Shrek: The Musical [movie]

I DON'T KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY HOPING FOR SOMETHING MORE IRONICALLY AWFUL. THIS WASN'T AMAZING BUT IT WASN'T REALLY ANY WORSE THAN THE REGULAR MOVIES. ACTUALLY THE JOKES THAT WERE FROM THIS WERE KINDA FUNNIER THAN THE JOKES FROM THE MOVIE ON AVERAGE. PS. THE SONGS, EH, ABOUT A THIRD WERE GOOD, A THIRD WERE OKAY AND A THIRD WERE AWFUL.

A Nightmare on Elm Street [movie]

NOW WAIT JUST A GOD DAMN SECOND. BEING A GARDENER AT THE SCHOOL WAS NEVER EVER PART OF FREDDY'S ORIGIN. THAT WAS ONLY HIS ORIGIN IN THE SIMPSONS EPISODE. DID THEY SERIOUSLY MAKE A REMAKE AND MOVE THE HALLOWEEN OF HORROR PLOT INTO CANNON? HOLY CRAP, WHAT? PS. THE FIRST MOVIE WAS WEIRD BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH A MURDERER AND IT SEEMED WEIRD HE WASN'T A MURDERER, THIS ONE WAS WEIRD BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH A PEDOPHILE AND NOT ENOUGH OF A MURDERER.

Freddy vs Jason [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS P. OKAY. I LOVE THEY SET UP A PRETTY LOGICAL PREMISE EVEN IF IT REQUIRED A FEAR MECHANIC THAT ISNT REALLY HOW FREDDY EVER WORKED BEFORE. ALSO IS LITERALLY THE FIRST PLACE THEY EXPLAIN WHY JASON HATES TEEN SEX SO MUCH? I DONT THINK THEY HAD THAT IN OTHER FLASHBACKS.  PS. ITS TOO BAD THIS CAME OUT IN 2003 AND HAD TO CONTAIN SOME AWFUL CGI.

Wes Craven's New Nightmare [movie]

I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE THIS MOVIE. IT HAD A TON GOING FOR IT. IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT WAS SO DRAGGED OUT. LIKE THERE WAS 60% MORE SCENES ABOUT EARTHQUAKES THAN THERE NEEDED TO BE. PS. I ACTUALLY FORGOT THIS WAS FROM 1994. I SAW IT FIRST IN THE MID 2000S AND ASSUMED IT WAS FROM LIKE 1998 OR SOMETHING, 1994 SEEMS SO EARLY FOR THIS LEVEL OF META.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare [movie]

BY FAR THE BIGGEST FLAW THIS MOVIE HAD WAS SETTING IT IN 1999 THEN DOING NOTHING WITH THAT.  PS. HE SAID THE 1989 NES SLOGAN AND THAT WAS P. FUNNY.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child [movie]

WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE. IT'S THE NOES MOVIE THAT MENTIONS ABORTION, DRUNK DRIVING, TEEN PREGNANCY, RAPE, ANOREXIA, AND ALL KINDS OF BIG ISSUES WAY ABSURDLY MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER MOVIES BUT THEN LIKE, IS THE MOVIE WITH THE MOST AMOUNT OF CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS AND STUPID SILLY VOICES. PS. WHEN HE WAS MAKING THE GUY INTO A MOTORCYCLE CENOBITE HE WASN'T EVEN SAYING ONE LINERS, HE WAS JUST SAYING WORDS. THEY WEREN'T EVEN JOKES!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master [movie]

THIS MOVIE FELT LIKE THEY HAD SOME HALF FORMED IDEA ABOUT ABSORBING POWERS BUT THEN FELL APART WHEN THEY DIDNT REALLY WANT TO ESTABLISH ANYONE ACTUALLY HAVING ANY POWERS. WHY WOULD A SONIC BUG REPELLANT TURN INTO A LASER BEAM IF YOU HOOKED IT UP TO A POWER LINE? PS. ALSO FREDDY BECAME THE ABSORBALOFT AND ALSO DID A RAP DURING THE END CREDITS.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [movie]

I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE DECIDED TO HATE THIS MOVIE BEFORE IT CAME OUT. I FEEL LIKE THOSE PEOPLE LIVE IN A UNIVERSE THAT THE 80S CARTOON WAS THE LAST TURTLE THING AND THIS IS BESMIRCHING THE MEMORY, INSTEAD OF THE WORLD WHERE IT'S BEEN REBOOTED LIKE 80 TIMES SINCE THEN. THIS MOVIE WAS BASICALLY BETTER THAN THE 2003 CARTOON BUT WORSE THAN THE 2012 CARTOON. ON THE OTHER HAND THEY REALLY MESSED UP SPLINTER BY HAVING HIM THE SAME AGE AS THE TURTLES AND JUST A GUY THAT READ A BOOK ABOUT NINJAS. PS. POINTS FOR THIS MOVIE: THE ANNOYING CAMERA MAN WAS NAMED VERN AND THAT IS LIKE TOTALLY ALMOST LIKE AN ANNOYING CAMERA MAN NAMED VERNON!

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors [movie]

THIS IS THE FIRST OF THESE MOVIES I ACTUALLY REMEMBER. ALTHOUGH IF YOU ASKED ME I WOULD HAVE GUESSED THIS MOVIE CAME WAY LATER. ALSO IT'S THE ONE THAT THAT AWFUL NES GAME WAS BASED ON. PS. ALSO THE ORIGIN STORY FOR FREDDY IS P. GREAT AND I KNOW THEY RUIN IT LATER.

Arthur And The Invisibles [movie]

I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS MOVIE BUT APPARENTLY EVERY STAR ON EARTH WAS IN IT. DAVID BOWIE WAS THE BAD GUY, MADONNA WAS THE GOOD GUY. THE DAD WAS ROBERT DE NIRO, SNOOP DOG WAS SOME SORT OF DOG APE NIGHTCLUB OWNER THAT SMOKED TINY WEEDS.  ALSO THIS MOVIE WASN'T VERY GOOD AND DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE. PS. I HEAR IN JAPAN INSTEAD OF BOWIE THEY HIRED GACKT AND I LOVE THAT.

A nightmare on elm street 2 [movie]

IM NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE THIS BUT HOLY MOLY THIS MOVIE IS HOMOEROTIC. SHIRTLESS WET MEN EVERY OTHER SCENE. NONSENSICAL BONDAGE CLUB SCENE. THE "NO CHICKS ALLOWED" SIGN ON HIS DOOR. THE FAMILY DINNER CONVERSATION. BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING THE PART HE IS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND THEN RUNS SHIRTLESS TO GO HANG OUT OVER HIS BEST FRIENDS BED. PS. THE OTHER THING EVERYONE SAYS ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS THAT ITS THE WIRST ONE AND THAT IS CLEARLY WHY ITS THE ONLY ONE OF THESE ON NETFLIX.

A Nightmare on Elm Street [movie]

THE WEIRD THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS THE NUMBER OF TIMES THEY CALL HIM "FRED KRUGER" AND HOW BAD THAT SOUNDS COMPARED TO "FREDDY" PS. I AM SURE I WATCHED THIS BEFORE. CAPITAL REVIEWS HAS A 15 YEAR RULE. ANYTHING WATCHED IN THE 90S OR BEFORE IS FAIR GAME.

Deadball [movie]

I KINDA LOVE JAPANESE SPLATTER MOVIES. BUT I THINK I ONLY REALLY DO WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO BE SERIOUS (AND ARE FUNNY) AND I FIND THEM KINDA BORING IF THEY ARE TRYING TO BE FUNNY DIRECTLY. THE STYLE IS INHERENTLY FUNNY AND JOKES RUIN IT. PS. WHY WOULD NAZIS SPEAK ENGLISH?

Purge: anarchy [movie]

THESE MOVIES SEEM LIKE THEY ARE BASED AROUND THE MESSAGE "PURGES ARE A BAD IDEA, WE SHOULDNT HAVE THEM" AND THAT IS SO DISCINNECTED FROM ANYTHING. WHO CARES. PS. ALSO THEY KEEP DOING A THING WHERE EVERYONE IS OVERLY CASUAL AND IT SEEMS LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE COMMENTARY BUT LIKE, WHY?

Jack Frost [movie]

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE WAS THE PART SOMEONE WROTE "SOMEBODY DIED" AND/OR THE PART THEY SHOT THE WATER. OR MAYBE HOW THIS HAD A WEIRD SCIENCE BASED ORIGIN INSTEAD OF A CURSE OR SOMETHING. THE WORST PART WAS THE RAPE SCENE THAT WAS JUST SLIDING THE BIG DUMB PROP BACK AND FORTH.  PS. THE BEST PART IS THAT TWO JACK FROST MOVIES CAME OUT THAT WINTER AND ONE WAS THIS AND ONE WAS A CHILDRENS MOVIE. 

Timeline [movie]

I READ THE BOOK OF THIS ONCE, NOW I WATCHED THE MOVIE FOR SOME REASON. IT STILL FEELS LIKE THE LEAST AMBITIOUS TIME TRAVEL BOOK EVER. ALSO THE MOVIE WAS REALLY BORING. PS. WHY IS GREEK FIRE SUCH A BIG DEAL, IT WAS A NAVEL WEAPON NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOT AT CASTLES.

Howard the duck [movie]

YEAH, THIS MOVIE IS AS AWFUL AS I ALWAYS HEARD IT WAS. THE WHOLE VILLIAN PLOT WAS NONSENSE ALSO WHY THE HECK IS IT SO SEXUAL? IT COULD HAVE BEEN A KIDS MOVIE  ALSO I THINK I TRIED TO WATCH THIS TWICE BEFORE NOW AND FELL ASLEEP TWENTY MINUTES IN BOTH TIMES. PS. YOU KNOW WHY I WATCHED THIS.