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Showing posts from September, 2014

Night of the Creeps [movie]

I DON'T KNOW, I EXPECTED TO LIKE THIS MOVIE MORE. MAYBE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T NEED TO EXIST IN A UNIVERSE WHERE THE MOVIE 'SLITHER' EXISTS. I GUESS A HOUSECAT BECAME A HELLCAT BEFORE THE END CREDITS IN THIS ONE AT LEAST? PS. THIS MOVIE WAS WAY TOO DAMN PROUD OF BEING A B MOVIE. BY THE END I JUST WAS WAY TOO SICK OF THE 'HEY GUYS THIS IS LIKE A B MOVIE' JOKES AND REFERENCES TO PLAN 9 AND CRAP. I GET IT ALREADY!

Airplane II [movie]

I USED TO GET THIS MOVIE OUT OF THE LIBRARY OVER AND OVER SO I FELT LIKE I SHOULD WATCH IT AGAIN TO SEE IF IT WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY. I STILL DONT KNOW IF IT IS. PS. THE METAL DETECTOR HAVING A SECRET NUDITY SCREEN SEEMS FUNNY IN 2014

Final Fantasy: All the Bravest [game]

THIS GAME HAS A REPUTATION AS BEING THE WORST GAME EVER. IT DESERVES THAT REPUTATION BUT SOMEHOW I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO PLAY A REALLY BAD GAME. BUT IT'S WEIRD, YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A GAME. LIKE A SMALL NUMBER OF ENEMIES TELEGRAPH THEIR ATTACKS SO YOU COULD IN THEORY DODGE THEM AND CLASSES GET UPGRADES THAT YOU COULD HUNT SPECIFIC ENEMIES TO MAXIMIZE AND DIFFERENT CLASSES HAVE DIFFERENT STRENGTHS. BUT NONE OF THAT COULD EVER MATTER IN THE GAME BECAUSE PARTY IS JUST RANDOMLY GENERATED EVERY ROUND SO THERE IS NEVER ANY STRATEGY BUT "JUST SWIPE THE SCREEN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE". AT LEAST SOME OF THE TEXT DESCRIPTIONS ARE FUNNY, I GUESS? PS. AT SOME POINT HAVING TO SWIPE SO FAST GOT PHYSICALLY TIRING, MAYBE THAT WAS THE GAME.

The signal [movie]

─¬ATHIS WOULD DEFINITELY BE AN EPISODE OF THE OUTER LIMITS. NOT TWILIGHT ZONE, OUTER LIMITS. ALSO MAYBE NOT HAVING MORPHIUS PLAY MORPHIUS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER IDEA. WHY WOULD HE EVEN NEED TO INTERIGATE THE LADY, WHY WAS THERE EVEN A THAT LADY? PS. OH MAN THIS USED SUCH ANIME RULES FOR IMPLANTS, GROUND POUND NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE BUT LOOKS REAL COOL.

Steamworld Dig [game]

THIS GAME IS REALLY SHORT. IT HAS ENOUGH MECHANICS YOU FEEL LIKE IT'S SETTING UP FOR THE LONG HAUL BUT THEN AROUND THE TIME YOU THINK YOU'D BE FIGHTING THE FIRST BOSS YOU ARE HITTING THE LAST BOSS. THIS SEEMS LIKE IT'D BE A GOOD GAME BUT WITH LESS THAN 3 HOURS OF GAMEPLAY IT'S HARD TO EVEN SAY IN A GAME LIKE THIS. PS. I LIKED THE ROBOT THAT SOUNDED LIKE OKAMI.

Harlock: Space Pirate [movie]

THIS WAS WEIRD BECAUSE YOU COULD TELL THEY SPENT A TON OF MONEY MAKING NICE CHARACTER MODELS FOR THINGS THEN HAD NO BUDGET TO ACTUALLY ANIMATE A LOT OF IT SO IT HAD A LOT OF SCENES OF PEOPLE STANDING IN GIANT EMPTY ROOMS MIXED IN WITH THE ACTUAL ACTION. ALSO THE COSMIC CLOCK FELT LIKE A MORE INTERESTING PLOTLINE THAN THE ONE THIS WENT FOR SO WELP. PS. THIS WAS BASICALLY TREASURE PLANET FOR DICKS.

One Way Heroics [game]

THIS GAME SEEMED PRETTY COOL BUT I GUESS I DON'T REALLY GET IT. IT'S A ROUGELIKE BUT I BEAT IT IN THREE TRIES. IT SEEMED COOL BUT THERE WAS NEXT TO NO DIFFICULTY. I DID PLAY ON THE DEFAULT SETTING SO MAYBE THAT WAS 'EASY" BUT I STARTED OVER AND PLAYED IT WITH EVERY COMBINATION OF "MAKE THIS HARDER" THAT THE GAME OFFERED AND I GOT HALF WAY THROUGH BEATING IT AGAIN AND IT STILL SEEMED PRETTY EASY SO I TURNED IT OFF? I THINK THERE IS MORE UNLOCKABLE DIFFICULTIES OR SOMETHING BUT WELP? PS. THIS GAME WANTED TO BE HALF MINUTE HEROES SOOOOO MUCH.

Mirage Men [movie, nonfiction]

OH MAN, A SECOND LEVEL META CONSPIRACY THEORY! LIKE A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT A CONSPIRACY THEORY. I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF IT'S TRUE OR NOT. IT SOUNDS PRETTY SENSIBLE BUT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A THING SOMEONE WOULD MAKE UP 90% OF TO MAKE IT SEEM COOLER SINCE NO ONE COULD CHECK. PS. I LIKE THIS PLAYED IT AS CUTE AND WACKY HOW MUCH THEY FUCKED WITH PEOPLE, LIKE MAKING THE LADY RUN A FAKE STORY AND MAKING THE FIRST GUY GO LITERALLY INSANE.

An Animal #$*% My Vacation [television, nonfiction]

THE TITLE OF THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY! WHAT DOES IT MEAN? AN ANIMAL SHIT MY VACATION? AN ANIMAL FUCK MY VACATION? I GUESS ITS FUCKED MY VACATION BUT EVEN THAT IS A REALLY WEIRD PHRASE. NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. PS. THIS WAS UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE AND I SUFFERED WATCHING IT JUST TO WRITE THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THE STUPID NAME.

Jay Silent Bob Groovy Cartoon Movie [movie]

OKAY, SO THE GUY OUTSIDE THE STORE AFTER THEY ESCAPE IS PENDLETON WARD, RIGHT? *RIGHT*? IT CLEARLY IS BUT HIS NAME DOESN'T SHOW UP IN THE CREDITS OR ON IMDB AND THAT IS FREAKING ME OUT. LIKE NEIL GAIMEN, STAN LEE AND TARA STRONG WILL ATTACH THEIR NAME TO THIS CRAP MOVIE BUT PEN IS SOME SORT OF WEIRD SECRET CAMEO? PS. WAS THE LESBIAN JOKE A CHASING AMY JOKE OR NOT? IF IT WAS IT WAS A REALLY EXTREMELY FUNNY JOKE AND IF IT WASN'T IT WAS A PRETTY DUMB JOKE.

Proxy [movie]

THIS WAS AN INTERESTING MOVIE BUT HAD THE REALLY FATAL FLAW OF SWITCHING FROM A MORE INTERESTING PROTAGONIST TO A LESS INTERESTING ONE ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH. IT IS AN INTERESTING MOVIE THOUGH. PS. ALTERNATE TITLE: ROCK THE BABY.

Treasure Planet [movie]

ON ONE HAND THIS MOVIE DID THE AWFUL 2000S THING OF HAVING CELL ANIMATION OVER 3D ANIMATION AND THAT ALWAYS LOOKS TERRIBLE AND ALSO HAD TERRIBLE LATE 90S MUSIC BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IT'S NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WAS AND IT REALLY DID A GREAT JOB HAVING AN ANTAGONIST THAT WASN'T REALLY A VILLAIN WHICH ONCE YOU SEE IT YOU REALIZE THAT IS REALLY REALLY RARE IN ANY SORT OF MOVIE, LET ALONE A DISNEY ONE. PS. I HEAR THIS MOVIE IS BETTER IF YOU DON'T WATCH IT WITH A DICK.

I Know that Voice [movie, nonfiction]

THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD, IT KINDA FELT LIKE IT WASN'T ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN GETTING A MILLION VOICE ACTORS ON CAMERA BUT I GUESS THAT WAS PRETTY INTERESTING IN ITSELF. PS. THE BEST THING WAS THE NEWS STYLE "NAME/JOB" CAPTIONS WHEN THEY SHOWED SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS CHANGED IT AND IT WAS FUNNY WHEN IT WAS NOLEN NORTH OR JIM CUMMINS THEN THE JOB TITLE WOULD BE SOME TINY CHARACTER THEY PLAYED LIKE 20 YEARS AGO.

Breakfast Club [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS 93 MINUTES OF 'OH, THAT IS WHAT THAT WAS FROM'. PS. I LIKE HOW THEY HAD TO THROW SOME EXTRA BAD THINGS IN FOR THE PRINCIPAL BECAUSE HE MOSTLY JUST SEEMED A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF FLUSTERED FOR HOW MUCH THE KIDS WERE MISBEHAVING AND PRETTY MUCH SPOKE SOME HARSH RULES BUT DIDN'T REALLY ENFORCE ANYTHING.

BoJack Horseman [television]

I USUALLY LIKE NETFLIX ORIGINALS SO I WATCHED ALL OF THIS IN LIKE ONE DAY BECAUSE I WAS READING A BOOK AND NETFLIX JUST SORT OF AUTOPLAYS. IT'S NOT THE WORST SHOW BUT IT'S NOT SUPER GREAT. THE ONLY THINGS THAT ACTUALLY 4REAL MADE ME LAUGH WAS PRINCESS GETTING PUSHED OUT OF THE CAR, THE IRA GLASS RINGTONE AND VINCENT ADULTMAN. PS. GERMAN URBAN BURBON WAS KINDA FUNNY TOO? AND I LIKED THE VOICE ACTORS IN GENERAL. MEH!

Ys: Origins [game]

OKAY, SO THE ORIGINAL YS HAD NO ATTACK BUTTON, YOU JUST RAN INTO ENEMIES AND DEPENDING ON HOW YOU HIT EITHER YOU OR THEY DID DAMAGE. IN THIS GAME TOUCHING ENEMIES DOES NO DAMAGE AND DUE TO THE WEIRDNESS OF THE CONTROLS THE BEST WAY TO FIGHT, EVEN AS A RANGED CHARACTER IS TO RUN RIGHT INTO THE ENEMY AND THEN GRIND INTO IT WHILE HITTING ATTACK AND FOR THE LIFE OF MY I CAN'T TELL IF THAT IS JUST RANDOM BAD DESIGN OR THE MOST GENIUS GAME CONTROL EVER TO MAKE IT MIMIC THE ORIGINAL. ALSO: I LOVED THIS GAME, NO ONE MAKES GAMES LIKE THIS ANYMORE, IT FELT LIKE A WEIRD PS1 GAME. PS. I ALSO LEARNED THAT 'YS' IS LIKE THE FRENCH VERSION OF ATLANTIS. AND THAT PARIS, IS 'PAR-YS' AND MEANS "A PLACE LIKE YS". I DIDN'T LEARN THAT FROM THE GAME THOUGH. MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO PARIS.

Windup Bird Chronicles [book]

IN THE END A MAJORITY OF THE STORIES CONNECT UP IN SOME WAY, BUT WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS BOOK IS HOW STRONGLY IT REFUSED TO HAVE A PLOT. IT HAD EXTREMELY STRONG THEMES AND REPEATED MOTIFS AND CONNECTIONS BETWEEN EVENTS BUT EVERY TIME YOU STARTED TO GET THE FEELING A SERIES OF EVENTS WAS GOING TO BE "WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT" THE BOOK WOULD ABRUPTLY END THAT PLOTLINE AND GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN THE ENTIRE BOOK WAS MAY SAYING THAT IF YOU PUT RICE PUDDING IN THE MICROWAVE AND OUT CAME MACARONI THAT SOME 'TREE FROGS' WOULD STILL STRUGGLE TO MAKE SENSE OF IT AS A CONTINUOUS SERIES OF EVENTS. EVERYTHING CLEARLY CONNECTED TO MAKE THE ENDING, BUT IF YOU ACTUALLY STARTED TO GO INTO DETAIL ON HOW A MAJORITY IS DIFFICULT TO DEFINE. PS. COMING OUT IN 1997 AND WRITING COMPUTERS IN SOME CRAZY WAY THAT ISN'T HOW COMPUTERS WORK.

Hotel Transylvania [movie]

I WATCHED THIS MOVIE SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE I JUST LEARNED REBBECA SUGAR WORKED ON SOME SCENES? BUT THE SCENES SHE WORKED ON WERE PRETTY BORING AND THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS PRETTY BORING. PS. THE JOKES THAT WERE FUNNY WERE KINDA FUNNY THOUGH. "KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY WIFE!"/'THATS SORT OF RACIST DON'T YOU THINK?"

Life 2.0 [movie, nonfiction]

SECOND LIFE IS PRETTY MUCH THE WORST THING. ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE. I GUESS THE MAKERS OF THE MOVIE GOT TO PICK WHO WAS IN THE MOVIE BUT MAN EVERYONE WAS SUCH A STEREOTYPE OF THE PEOPLE THAT PLAY SECOND LIFE. I LAUGHED SO HARD WHEN THEY SHOWED A PHOTO OF THE ITEM COPYING GUY, HOLY CRAP. PS. MAN THAT FRAME RATE WAS TERRIBLE, LIKE I LOVE THE IDEA THAT THERE WAS SCENES WHERE IT WAS CLEARLY LIKE 4 FRAMES PER SECOND AND THE MOVIE WAS LIKE "YEP, USE THAT SCENE"

The Machine [movie]

I DON'T KNOW, THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY STARTED OUT WITH SOME REALLY INTERESTING DUMB SCI-FI IDEAS AND HAD A COUPLE SCENES WITH SOME SPECIAL EFFECTS THAT SEEMED ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD (IF NOT SLIGHTLY RIPPED FROM THAT QUANTIC DREAMS DEMO) BUT THEN THE WHOLE THING WENT THE MOST GENERIC PLACES POSSIBLE SO WELP, WHATEVER. PS. THIS MOVIE CAME OUT IN 2013, WHY DOES IT HAVE AN 80S SOUND TRACK, NOTHING ABOUT THE MOVIE ELSE SEEMED LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO BE SILLY OR RETRO OR ANYTHING?

Dark Dungeons: The Movie [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS THE MOST AMAZING THING TO EVER EXIST. SOME GUY WON THE LOTTERY AND CALLED UP JACK CHICK AND ASKED FOR THE RIGHTS TO MAKE DARK DUNGEONS INTO A MOVIE AND HE MADE THIS AND LIKE IT'S AMAZING BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY A PARODY OF THE WHOLE THING BUT THE SORT OF PARODY THAT IS OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED TO NOT BE A PARODY SO IT'S A PARODY ONLY IN THE WAY A 90 YEAR OLD HORRIBLE HATEFUL LITERALLY INSANE MAN (WHO MAY BE DEAD OR FICTIONAL?) WOULDN'T NOTICE AND IS OTHERWISE PLAYED SUPER STRAIGHT WORD FOR WORD REMAKE. PS. I THINK IT'S DUMB THEY HAD THE CTHULHU STUFF BUT AT THE SAME TIME CHICK REALLY THINKS THAT IS REAL AND THAT IS DUMB TOO SO IT'S A WASH.

Nymphomaniac Volume 2 [movie]

THIS WAS MUCH BETTER, BECAUSE IT WAS AWFUL AND PAINFUL AND UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. AND VON TRIER MOVIES CANT JUST BE ABOUT SEXUALITY, THEY NEED TO BE AWFUL AND UNCOMFORTABLE OR THEY ARENT RIGHT AT ALL. THE GENDER THING AT THE END WAS ALSO P. AWESOME. I WAS VAUGELY THINKING IT AT TIMES AND I LOVE THEY SAID IT. PS. IS THE WHOLE P PLOTLINE ALL JUST A LEADUP TO A JOKE IN THE END? LIKE IT WAS THE MOST SERIOUS SCENE BUT WAS IT ALL A LEAD UP TO A DUMB PUN? 

Playstation Allstars Battle Royale [game]

GOD THIS GAME IS DEPRESSING. IT'S SMASH BROTHERS BUT EVEN MORE NOT FUN AND ALSO PLAYSTATION AND MAYBE LIKE I HAD SOME MISTAKE THAT MAYBE SONY HAD SOME GOOD CHARACTERS IN IT'S HISTORY BUT WELP! JUST DEPRESSING. FOR EXAMPLE: ONE CHARACTER IS COLE THEN ANOTHER IS EVIL COLE. THAT IS CALLED SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL. PS. I ONLY WILL WRITE A CAPITAL REVIEW WHEN I BEAT A GAME, BECAUSE THIS GAME IS SO BORING I AM COUNTING PLAYING SINGLE PLAYER THROUGH AS PARAPPA AND THEN NOT PLAYING ANYONE ELSE. BUT GOD I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE PARAPPA STUFF.

Nymphomaniac Volume 1 [movie]

ANTICHRIST IS ONE IF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE. MELANCHOLIA WAS TOO SAD TO HANDLE. THIS MOVIE FELT LIKE IT WAS CLOSER TO "THE IDIOTS" THAN ANYTHING. LOOK HOW MUCH LARS VON TIER KNOWLAGE I HAVE! PS. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WATCH THE SECOND HALF BEFORE HAVING AN OPINION. 

Divinity: Original Sin [game]

THIS GAME STARTED OFF OKAY THEN BECAME THE BEST GAME EVER THEN GOT DULL. THE MIDDLE PART MADE EVERY FIGHT A CRAZY RUBE GOLDBURG MACHINE AND I LOVED THAT BUT IT WAS ONLY FUN IF YOU FOUGHT WAY TOO STRONG STUFF AND THAT MADE THE STORY ALL OUT OF ORDER AND THIS GAME BROKE A LOT IF YOU DID THINGS OUT OF ORDER. PS. I GET THAT IN DEVELOPMENT SOMEONE MUST HAVE SAID THEY WANTED A HUB LIKE CHRONO TRIGGERS END OF TIME BUT THEN IT WAS JUST NAMED "END OF TIME" AND IT FELT WEIRD LIKE THEY HAD LEFT A PLACEHOLDER ASSET IN AND FORGOT TO GIVE IT A REAL NAME.