Capital Reviews

THIS MOVIE WAS WEIRD, SOME OF THE JOKES WERE SORT OF GENUINELY FUNNY IN A BAFFLING WAY LIKE THE WEIRD MOLESTATION JOKE OR THE ALTERNATE ENDING WHERE THEY KILLED GRUMPY CAT BUT MOST OF THIS MOVIE WAS LONG STRETCHES OF JUST BORING NOTHING. BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE MOVIE WAS REALLY AGGRESSIVELY BIG INTO A RUNNING JOKE ABOUT SAYING HOW AWFUL THE MOVIE IS. BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A KNOWING OR SELF AWARE SORT OF CUTE IRONIC JOKE OR ANYTHING, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE IT WAS A BAD MOVIE AND WASN'T EVEN GONNA LAMP SHADE IT BY SAYING IT, JUST WAS GOING TO SAY IT. PS. ARE THE GRUMPY CAT PANTIES A REAL THING OR DID THE MOVIE MAKE THEM UP AS A JOKE?

JESUS CHRIST THIS GAME. I ALREADY PLAYED LIKE 200 HOURS OF THE ORIGINAL AND THEN THIS COMES OUT AND IT JUST CONSUMED EVERY SINGLE BIT OF FREE TIME I HAD IN THE LAST MONTH. I THINK THIS IS A PERFECT GAME BECAUSE IT IS 100% LUCK BUT ALSO 100% SKILL. EVERYTHING IS RANDOMIZED AND IS TOTAL LUCK OF THE DRAW BUT ALSO AS YOU PLAY MORE AND MORE YOU START TO JUST GET SO ABSURDLY GOOD AT IT COMPARED TO THE START. ALSO SINCE THIS GAME BASICALLY GOES FOREVER IT WAS HARD TO CALL A PARTICULAR SPOT "DONE". I DID ALL OF THE 20 CHALLENGE RUNS, BEAT MEGA SATAN AND UNLOCKED EVERY SINGLE ENDING AND I GUESS THAT IS A GOOD STOPPING POINT. PS. THIS GAME IS ALL POOPS AND BUTTS AND ABORTIONS.

THIS REALLY IS THE WORLD'S ONLY PERFECT MOVIE. IT'S REALLY AMAZING THAT IT'S GREMLIN'S 2 ALSO, YOU WOULD THINK THAT IT'D BE LIKE GREMLIN'S 8 BEFORE THEY BROKE DOWN INTO TOTAL CHAOS AND STARTED HAVING PEOPLE DISCUSS HOW DUMB THE GREMLIN RULES ARE AND STUFF. PS. IT'S VERY BASIC BUT I NEVER WATCHED THE MOVIES CLOSE ENOUGH TOGETHER TO GET THE ABE LINCON'S BIRTHDAY JOKE BEFORE I GUESS?

THIS MOVIE IS SO WAY MORE WACKY AND CARTOONY THAN I REMEMBERED. EVERYTHING IS WACKY NOISES AND SILLY VOICES AND CRAZY MUSIC. PS. I REALLY JUST WANT TO REWATCH GREMLIN'S TWO BUT I FIGURED I SHOULD WATCH BOTH IF I'M GONNA DO IT.

THIS MOVIE IS CLEARLY JUST SOMETHING SOMEONE MADE BUT HOLY CRAP THE NEWS ALIEN SPINNING IN THE CHAIR WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN YEARS FOR SOME REASON. PS. BASICALLY JUST GAY CONEHEADS.

THIS IS A SHORT STORY COLLECTION SO HERE ARE 16 CAPITAL REVIEWS: THE SECOND BAKERY ATTACK: THIS WAS A MOVIE I GUESS AND I CAN SEE WHY. KANGAROO COMMUNIQUE: I WAS TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND THIS STORY. ON SEEING THE 100% PERFECT GIRL ONE BEAUTIFUL APRIL MORNING: FLUES DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. SLEEP: THIS FELT LIKE THE END PART OF WINDUP BIRD A WHOLE LOT. THE FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE, THE 1881 INDIAN UPRISING, HITLER'S INVASTION OF POLAND AND THE REALM OF THE RAGING WIND: I ALREADY FORGOT WHAT THIS STORY WAS. LEDERHOSEN: THIS SEEMED LIKE A JOKE WITH A PUNCHLINE I DIDN'T GET. BARN BURNING: THIS STORY WAS REALLY GOOD AND THE SECOND BEST STORY BUT DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN THE POINT OF IT. THE LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: THIS JUST KINDA SEEMED LIKE A GOOSEBUMPS STORY. FAMILY AFFAIR: THIS WAS ABOUT NOBORU WATAYA BEING A BAD BROTHER IN LAW AND ABOUT TALKING ABOUT CUM AND PERIODS AND BUTTS AND POOPS. A WINDOW: UNTIL JUST NOW I THOUGHT THIS WAS CALLED "A WIDOW" AND

OH GEEZ, THE WHOLE TAKE ME HOME COUNTRY ROADS SUBPLOT WAS THE WORST THING. I WATCHED THIS DUBBED SO IT LOST THE WHOLE 'I TRANSLATED THIS' AND JUST MADE HER BE SINGING THESE TERRIBLE CHANGED LYRICS AND EVERYONE ACTING LIKE THEY WERE GREAT. IT WAS ALL AWFUL! PS. THIS IS A WEIRD STUDIO GHIBLI MOVIE THAT NO ONE REMEMBERS BECAUSE IT WASN'T VERY GOOD.

THIS MOVIE FURTHERS HOLLYWOOD'S OBSESSION WITH THE CONCEPT THAT TO IMAGINE A THING REQUIRES STANDING PERFECTLY STILL FOR EXACTLY AS LONG AS THE FANTASY. PS. THE BENJAMIN BUTTON PART WAS FUNNY I GUESS.

AN EXTENDED RAPE METAPHOR: THE DISNEY MOVIE. PS. THE DUMB FAERIES ALSO LOST THEIR WINGS FOR SIXTEEN YEARS AND MY BRAIN CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE MEANING OF THAT.

THIS MOVIE FELT LIKE IT WAS TRYING SO HARD TO BE META THAT IT JUST CAME OFF AS NOT LIKING THE MOVIE THEY WERE MAKING. PS. THE KISS FIGHT WAS A LITTLE FUNNY AND THE CREDITS ARE TALK FUNNY BECAUSE THEY ADMIT HOW INTERCHANGEABLE HE IS WITH SETH ROGAN.

IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE EVERYONE AGREED TO PLAY BEFORE THERE WAS ANY REASON TO AGREE. I DON'T THINK THE ADULTS KNEW IT WAS GOING TO REWRITE ALL OF THE SEVENTIES AND EIGHTIES WHEN THEY STARTED. PS. AT THE START THE KID HAS WAY MORE BLOOD ON HIS FACE THAN MOST KIDS MOVIES AND HE WAS STANDING WHERE JUMANJI WAS BURIED THEN THE SCENE ENDED AND JUMANJI WAS BURIED SOMEWHERE DIFFERENT. DID THEY CUT A HELLRAISER ESQ SCENE?

WHAT IF SOMEONE MADE DOT HACK BUT EVEN WORSE? AND ALSO STOLE MUSIC FROM CHRONO TRIGGER AND ALSO SEPHIROTH'S OUTFIT AND ALSO THE SCENE WHERE ASUKA IS KILLED BY PRODUCTION MODELS? ON THE OTHER HAND I WAS ALL READY TO WRITE HOW DIFFERENT IT IS FOR AN ANIME TO HAVE THE MAIN CHARACTER MARRY HIS LOVE INTEREST HALF WAY THROUGH THE FIRST SEASON (EVEN IF THEY WERE LIKE 14?) BUT THEN THEY HAD THE DOUBLE DOUBLE SUPER DOUBLE SECRET INCEST SUBPLOT COME IN FOR THE SECOND SEASON AND WHO WANTED THAT? PS. I AM SUPER GLAD THEY ARE NAMING THE SEASONS WEIRD SO I CAN COUNT THIS AS WATCHING A COMPLETE SHOW AND NOT FEEL REQUIRED TO WATCH THE SECOND SEASON SINCE IT HAS A DIFFERENT TITLE.

VIKKI'S PLAN SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN LITERALLY TO TRAVEL THROUGH THE TV TO GET TO THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND STEAL HITLER'S POWER. PS. I CAN'T READ WHEN IT'S QUIET BUT I HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF MENTAL POWER, SO IF I AM READING SOMETHING DULL I'LL WATCH A MOVIE, BUT IF I'M READING SOMETHING ACTUALLY GOOD THAT REQUIRES PAYING ATTENTION THE MOVIE CAN FALL INTO "THINGS THAT WERE ON SIDEBAR OF SOME WEBSITE I LEFT OPEN'

MAN. IT'S PRETTY FUNNY TO LOOK UP WHAT THE COMIC BOOK VERSIONS OF THIS STUFF ARE COMPARED TO WHAT THEY ARE IN THE MOVIE. LOL ESPECIALLY AT BAYMAX. THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD THOUGH, BAYMAX MOSTLY IS REALLY GOOD. ALSO THEY DID A GOOD JOB OF ACTUALLY MAKING THE SILLIEST, GOOFIEST DESIGN EVER POSSIBLE LOOK INTIMIDATING WHEN THEY HAD HIM GO ALL BEZERK. PS. THE VILLAIN GETS EVERY SINGLE THING HE WANTS IN THE END, HIS PLAN WORKED MORE PERFECTLY THAN HE EVER COULD HAVE HOPED.

OH MAN, THIS MOVIE IS JUST PHENOMENAL. LIKE I'M PRETTY SURE IF YOU THOUGHT TOO HARD ABOUT THE STORY MAYBE IT'S SORT OF DUMB SCI-FI BUT AT THE SAME TIME JUST THE PRESENTATION AND MUSIC AND STUFF WERE SO DAMN PERFECT THAT THIS REALLY IS JUST ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES LIKE EVER. I MEAN I DON'T THINK THIS IS REALLY NEWS BUT GEEZ IS CHRISTOPHER NOLEN JUST THE BEST THING GOING ON RIGHT NOW. PS. OKAY, I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN JUST BECAUSE AROUND 2/3RDS IN WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO CLOSE A DOOR AND ARE PULLING A HANDLE A BUNCH THEY SHOWED A COUPLE CLOSEUPS REAL FAST AND EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY DID IT LOOKS LIKE THE MACHINE THEY WERE PULLING THE HANDLE ON SAID "NACHO MACHINE" AND I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT WHAT IT REALLY SAID. DID IT REALLY SAY NACHO MACHINE?

WHATEVER, THIS MOVIE IS KINDA AMAZING. THEY OVERPOWER THE ORCS SO QUICKLY AND JUST DELETE THEM SO COMPLETELY. HALF THE MOVIE IS THE. SHOOTING ORCS WHO ARE RUNNING AWAY IN THE BACK. PS. I THINK THEY WERE CRYING WHEN HE ROCKET LAUNCHERED THE DRAGON.

I WATCHED LIKE 90% OF THIS BEFORE REALUZING IT WAS FROM A STEVEN KING STORY AND THAT I HAD READ THE STORY AND ALSO HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT THE STORY LIKE 3 DAYS AGO. MY POWERS OF OBSERVATION ARE AMAZING. PS. I THINK THEY CHANGED THE TITLE TO MAKE IT SEEM MORE RELATED TO MISERY

I WAS NEVER THAT INTO SPONGEBOB. I WAS TOO OLD WHEN IT CAME OUT OR SOMETHING. ITS CRAZY THIS MOVIE IS TEN YEARS OLD NOW. ITS WEIRD THAT ITS A WEIRD MOVIE BUT SO MUCH MORE COHERENT THAN HOW ABSTACT EPISODES EVEN A FEW YEARS LATER WERE. PS. I THOUGHT SPONGBOB WAS LIKE 35  

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING. NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE. STUFF JUST HAPPENS. WHY DO THEY KEEP THE GYM OPEN AFTER IT KILLS SO MANY PEOPLE OVER AND OVER? WHAT EVEN WAS THE PLOT. SHE WAS A COMPUTER GHOST? WHY WAS SHE EVEN EVIL AT ALL? THE LAWYER DID SOME OF THE MURDERS BUT THE COMPUTER SHOT TILES OFF THE WALL! OR THE LAWYER DID? PS. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE EVEN CALLED? THE TITLE SCREEN CALLS IT DEATH SPA BUT EVERYTHING ELSE CALLS IT WITCH BITCH. DESPITE NO WITCHES BEING IN THIS MOVIE. JUST COMPUTER GHOSTS.

I LIKE THAT THIS WAS A REAL SERIOUS HORROR MOVIE AND ACTUALLY PRETTY DAMN GOOD AND FOR THE FIRST HALF IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS A REBOOT OF THE SERIES BUT OVER THE COURSE OF THE MOVIE IT ACTUALLY MANAGED TO BE THE MOVIE THAT TIED THE PLOTS OF THE WHOLE SERIES TOGETHER. PS. THIS MOVIE CAME OUT IN 2013, HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO MISS REPRESENT "CLICKING A MOUSE"? ON THE OTHER HAND SOMEONE WAS SKYPING SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME HOUSE AND THAT IS A REALLY ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF 2013.

THIS MOVIE RAISES SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ANATOMY OF HER CGI DOLL VAGINA. (ALSO SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW EXACTLY GLEN(DA) IS PEEING SO MUCH WHEN THEY SHOW THEIR CROTCH AS LACKING ANY HOLES OF ANY TYPE AND THAT FACT IS A PLOT POINT). PS. THIS MOVIE FEELS LIKE IT'D BE SHOWING A 'QUEER REPRESENTATIONS IN MEDIA' CLASS. LIKE, GLEN(DA) IS KINDA MILDLY PLAYED AS A JOKE BUT EVEN CHUCKY IS ONLY MILDLY EXASPERATED ABOUT IT AND TIFFANY IS ALL SUPPORTIVE ABOUT IT AND IN THE END IT'S VALIDATED AS BEING A REAL THING BY THE PLOT.

I WAS GOING TO WRITE THIS ABOUT HOW IF CHUCKY WAS DEAD FOR 10 YEARS THEN TIFFANY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE 8 WHEN THEY WERE DATING BUT THEN I LOOKED IT UP AND THE ACTRESS WAS LIKE 40 WHEN THIS MOVIE CAME OUT AND NOW IS IN HER LATE 50S AND I GUESS THE LESSON IS THAT JENNIFER TILLY AGES REALLY REALLY WELL. PS. THAT AMULET SURE WAS CONVENIENTLY NEVER MENTIONED EVER BEFORE THIS POINT.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE REALLY LIKES CHILD PLAY MOVIES. I THINK CHUCKY IS JUST A REALLY GOOD VILLAIN AND PEOPLE LIKE CHUCKY. PS. THE PART WHERE THERE WAS A RANDOM COMPUTER AND HE TYPED LIKE TWO LETTERS AND IT SHOWED WHERE ANDY LIVED WAS SUPER EARLY 90S.