Capital Reviews

YOU KNOW THOSE MOVIES WITH THE PLOT "THE ROCK HAS A BABY BUT HE CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE HE'S A MAN!!". I THINK THIS MOVIE IS AS CLOSE AS SOCIETY WOULD LET A MOVIE GET TO A WOMAN VERSION. (I GUESS I COULD IMAGINE THAT MOVIE IF THE WOMAN WAS TOO RICH OR TOO POOR TO BE BE SEEN AS A FIT MOTHER) PS. BOY THAT SOCIAL WORKER HAD SOME DUMB ARBITRARY RULES

PEOPLE LOVE THIS MOVIE, DON'T THEY? THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL. THE ACTING IS AWFUL. ALL THE WEIRD SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWFUL AND MAKE THINGS LOOK WEIRD. I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE THAT LIKE THIS. PS. WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KID IN THE END THAT "GOT INTO THE SIXTIES"? DID HE DIE OF A HIPPIE OVERDOSE?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WATCHED THIS BEFORE OR IF I JUST WATCHED THAT GUY WITH THE GLASSES TALK ABOUT IT AND THE REST IS SO CLICHE IT SEEMS LIKE I WATCHED IT. PS. THIS MOVIE WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE IF JACK HAD BEEN LIKE 6. HE ACTED MORE LIKE TODDLER THAN A PRETEEN.

DOES CAPTAIN ATOM ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING? DOES HE HAVE COMIC BOOKS AND ADVENTURES AND STUFF OR DOES HE JUST EXIST TO BE IN THESE STORIES SO HE CAN EXPLODE AND KILL EVERYTHING? ALSO IT WAS REALLY WEIRD PEOPLE IN THIS STORY KNEW THAT THE FIGHT WOULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD. THE FRAMING STORY KNOWING MADE PERFECT SENSE BUT WHEN SUPERMAN KNEW IT WAS REALLY WEIRD. ALSO I REALLY LIKE SO FEW PEOPLE SURVIVED THE NUCLEAR BOMB AND BATMAN WAS ONE OF THEM AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY EXPLAIN IT BUT THAT JUST KINDA READS RIGHT, YOU KNOW BATMAN WOULD SURVIVE IT, YOU DON'T NEED THE DETAILS. PS. I SAID AT THE START OF SUMMER THAT I WAS GONNA READ COMIC BOOKS UNTIL I MADE MYSELF LIKE THEM, I THINK IT'S STARTING TO WORK. ALSO THIS IS JAY-Z'S FAVORITE COMIC BOOK.

I KNOW IT'S A THING BUT IT'S ALMOST REALLY WEIRD TO SEE POSITIVE BUT NOT ROMANTICIZED PORTRAYAL OF HOMELESS PEOPLE. LIKE TO A DEGREE IT ACTUALLY FEELS SHOCKING AND DISCONCERTING IT'S SOMETHING THAT IS SO RARE AND SOMETHING YOU NEVER SEE EVER IN MOVIES EVER. PS. THIS MOVIE IS ALMOST LITERALLY JUST A REMAKE OF BUTTERFLY EFFECT BUT ABOUT POOR CANADIAN HIPSTERS. ALSO, IT'S REALLY GOOD.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART PS. FAAAAAAAAAART

I REALLY LIKE THAT HIS COSTUME WAS SO CRAPPY. I FEEL LIKE EVEN WITH AN IDENTICAL SCRIPT THAT IF HE HAD MADE A GOOD COSTUME THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT KIND IT'D BE, A COMEDY? PS. THIS MOVIE WAS BASICALLY A WAY SADDER IMMACULATE CONCEPTION OF LITTLE DIZZLE.

HA, WHAT? IT'S REALLY WEIRD THIS HAD A HAPPY ENDING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEMATICALLY WHY THIS HAD A HAPPY ENDING?  WAS IT BECAUSE THE SOVIET UNION TOOK OVER THE WORLD OR IS IT BECAUSE LEX BEAT SUPERMAN OR WHAT? WHICH PART WAS THE PART THE COMIC WRITER WAS SUPPORTING AS THE THING THE WORLD NEEDED? PS. WHEN IT WAS TALKING ABOUT UTOPIA IT LISTED THINGS LIKE PEOPLE LIVING TO BE 800 AND CURING CANCER AND ALSO ONE OF THE THINGS IT LISTED WAS "COUPLES BECOMING TRIPLES" AND WHAT?

OH MAN, I REALLY REALLY LIKE THE ORIGIN OF FLASHPOINT JOKER, THAT WAS SERIOUSLY AWESOME, I WAS REALLY REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THAT. ALSO I LIKE SCRAWNY MESSED UP SUPERMAN AND I LIKE THAT THEY ACTUALLY KILLED BILLY BATSON AND PULLED THE CAMERA AWAY BUT STILL SHOWED BLOOD AND SCREAMING. PS. DOCTOR BATMAN.

THIS WAS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE FOR BEING A TOTALLY TERRIBLE MOVIE. IT'S WEIRD THAT THEY DIDN'T JUST GO WHOLE HOG AND SAY THE PRESIDENT WAS OBAMA THOUGH, IT FEELS LIKE THAT SORT OF DUMB NOVELTY WOULD BE A THING A MOVIE WOULD DO. IT CLEARLY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIM, WHY NOT JUST TAKE THE ONE MORE DUMB STEP? PS. I TRIED TO GO TO MONSTER UNIVERSITY TWICE BUT IT WAS SOLD OUT BOTH TIMES SO I WATCHED THIS INSTEAD, WHATEVS!

THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD. FIRST IT MAKES A SUPER CLEAR CASE ON HOW CLEARCUT REAL THE 'LADY SPILLS MCDONALDS COFFEE ON HERSELF' CASE WAS AND HOW LEGITIMATELY VALID IT WAS BUT THEN GOES ON TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE THING AND CASES LIKE IT ARE/WERE PART OF A REALLY CONCERTED EFFORT TO RAM THROUGH TORT REFORM, THEN IT WENT ON TO TALKING ABOUT HOW SHITTY ARBITRATION IS. PS. ALSO RALPH NADER SAID 'TORT REFORM, MORE LIKE TORT DEFORM'

THIS PUBLISHER PUTS OUT A BUNCH OF THESE BOOKS AND YOU CAN TELLS SOME OF THESE CHAPTERS ARE WEIRD TEMPLATES WHERE SOMEONE HAS <robot> WRITTEN AND JUST FILLS IN THE BLANK BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THE GOOD CHAPTERS ARE WELL WRITTEN AND INTERESTING.  PS. WHO CARES? LITERALLY ALL THAT MATTERS IS THE COVER. SUCH AN AMAZING COVER!

I THINK I REALLY ALWAYS LIKE HORROR COMICS BEST BECAUSE WHEN I WAS LITTLE I SOMETIMES GOT HORROR COMICS AT AN AGE THAT WAS WAY TOO YOUNG BUT IT FELL INTO THE HOLE OF MY PARENTS JUST ASSUMING ALL COMICS WERE OKAY. PS. I AM TOTALLY INTO KNOWING MORE ABOUT JAPAN THAN NORMAL PEOPLE BUT LESS ABOUT JAPAN THAN ANYONE THAT ACTUALLY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT JAPAN.

OH GOD I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BAD PERSON FOR BEING BAD AT THIS GAME, IT TOOK ME 200 GENERATIONS TO FINISH AND I ACTUALLY STARTED FEELING BAD ABOUT KILLING SO MANY VIDEOGAME PEOPLE! PS. I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT CHARACTERS BEING RANDOMLY GAY, IT KINDA DIDN'T DO ANYTHING SO THAT IS POSITIVE BUT IT KINDA JUST ALWAYS FELT LIKE IT WAS A MOCKING JOKE TRAIT LIKE MAKING THEM FART WAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? WHEN SOMETHING HAS AN AMAZING PREMISE BUT THEN USES IT BADLY SO YOU FEEL LIKE THEY USED UP A PREMISE AND NO ONE ELSE CAN WRITE AN ACTUALLY GOOD STORY BASED ON IT. PS. WANT TO KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF AN EMP WENT OFF THAT ALSO HAD THE POWER TO ERASE PEOPLE'S MEMORIES SO NO ONE ON EARTH HAD MEMORIES ANYMORE? I DO TOO BUT APPARENTLY IT MOSTLY INVOLVES ACTION MOVIE CRAP AND BLACK PEOPLE BEING SCARY.

OH GOD STOP RUBBING SOUP IN YOUR WOUNDS. I GET WHY THE BOOK WANTS TO PORTRAY THE FIRST PERSON THAT EVER HELPED HIM AS HAVING SAGE WISDOM BUT THAT IS THE WORST ADVICE AND MADE ME WINCE EVERY TIME.  PS. I RESPECT THE BOOK FOR NOT TRYING VERY HARD TO GIVE IT A HAPPY ENDING, I THINK THE FACT HE PRACTICED A SPEECH TO TALK TO THE CHURCH WAS THAT A LITTLE BUT THE CONCLUSION OF THE BOOK WAS KINDA BLEAK. THEY KEPT DANCING AROUND "WELL HE'S KINDA A JERK REALLY" WHICH HE PROBABLY IS FOR WELL DESERVED REASONS. 

I WAS PRETTY SURE THIS MOVIE WAS GONNA BE A BAD MOVIE THAT WAS TRYING TO HARD AND IT WAS A MOVIE THAT WAS TRYING REALLY HARD BUT IT WAS PRETTY DAMN AWESOME, LIKE THE SHARK CLIMBING A ROPE OR THE GUY CUTTING A FLYING SHARK IN HALF WITH A CHAINSAW, OH MAN. ALSO IT WASN'T REALLY JUST A SHARK TORNADO, IT WAS KINDA SHARKS IN ALL THE WATER WHICH KINDA MADE IT LIKE AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE'S FAKE MOVIE WHERE ALL THE WATER WAS INFECTED: WITH FIRE. PS. I LIKE HOW RARELY THEY BOTHERED TO EVEN PRETEND THE SKY WAS CLOUDY OR IT WAS ANYTHING BUT A NICE SUNNY DAY.

THIS MOVIE WAS EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY HOPE FOR! THEY HAD SYNC RATES AND SOMEONE'S SYNC RATE WENT TOO HIGH SO THEY COULDN'T DISCONNECT. THAT IS ALL I WANTED OUT OF THIS MOVIE. ALSO THEY HAD BLUE BLOOD, THEY ATTACKED SOMETHING WITH COOLING FLUID, SOMEONE HAD TO PRESS IN A NUCLEAR ROD MANUALLY, THEY HAD TO DO A MANUAL LAUNCH IN A BLACKOUT, THEIR HELMETS HAD YELLOW LIQUID IN THEM, THEY HIT SOMETHING WITH A BATTLESHIP, THE ESCAPE POD WAS SHAPED LIKE A COFFIN AND HELICOPTERS CARRIED THEM AROUND. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND ALL THE ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR WERE *SO BAD*, THERE WASN'T MANY BUT EVERY SINGLE JOKE WAS JUST AWFUL, LIKE MORE AWFUL THAN I COULD IMAGINE.

THIS BOOK WAS GOOD, I'VE TRIED TO READ A FEW BOOKS LIKE THIS AND THE PROBLEM IS ALWAYS THAT THE WRITER IS UNINFORMED AND I JUST READ IT THINKING 'WHAT ABOUT EPISODE #743 THAT CONTRADICTS THIS' THIS AUTHOR KNEW HIS STUFF. I THINK THE PROBLEM OF THIS BOOK IS THAT IT WAS SO CLEARLY WRITTEN OVER SEVERAL YEARS SO SOME CHAPTERS OBAMA EXISTS AND SOME HE DOESN'T. PS. ALSO THIS BOOK UNFORTUNATELY OPENED BY EYES TO THE FACT THE FIRST SEASON OR SO OF THE NEW DOCTOR WHO HAD A SUPER SHITTY WORLD VIEW.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS MOVIE'S PLOT? IT'S FUNDAMENTALLY ABOUT A MIDDLE AGED BLUE COLLAR WORKER LOSING THEIR JOB TO AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT AND THEN HAVING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TO TRY TO COMPETE IN THE MODERN WORKFORCE WHILE GETTING BACK TO DATING AFTER BEING A (WIDOWER? WHATEVER THE HELL GOOFY IS) AND THAT SEEMS LIKE A REALLY WEIRD PLOT FOR A KID'S MOVIE BUT I GUESS IT HAD THE X-GAMES SUBPLOT SO IT WAS HIP AND YOUNG TOO? PS. I LIKE THAT PETE HAD ONLY LIKE 5 LINES THE WHOLE MOVIE BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE WAS HIM BEING AN IRREDEEMABLY TERRIBLE PERSON IN A SUPER LOW KEY WAY.

IF SOMETHING IS CALLED THE BEST MOVIE I MIGHT WATCH IT EVENTUALLY BUT IF SOMETHING IS CALLED THE WORST MOVIE I WILL WATCH IT ASAP. THIS MOVIE IS NIGHTMARISH AND CONTAINS ANOTHER GOOBY AND MATCHES BUCKAROO BONSAI FOR SEEMING LIKE ITS FROM A UNIVERSE THIS SHOW EXISTS AND THAT IS MAGIC. (ALTHOUGH AS WONDERFULLY AWFUL AS I HOPED THIS MOVIE IS FAR LONGER THAN THE JOKE IS FUNNY) PS. CHRISTOPHER LOYD IS IN IT AND HAS ONE LINE BUT MOSTLY JUSTS GRUNTS INCOHERENT NONSENSE AND HE IS GETTING TO BE A STAPLE OF UNIMAGINABLY BAD MOVIES.

I LIKE MAGIC THE GATHERING EXACTLY THIS MUCH. I WANT TO BUY THE 9.99 DOLLAR GAME EXACTLY ONCE A YEAR, PLAY 15 HOURS IN ONE WEEK SUPER OBSESSIVELY AND HAVE A TON OF FUN THEN NOT EVER LOOK AT, THINK ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT MAGIC THE GATHERING FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF THE YEAR. ALSO I HATE THAT THEY CHANGED THIS TO "MAGIC 2014"  BECAUSE THAT TOTALLY RUINS HOW THE LIST LOOKS IN STEAM IF YOU OWN MULTIPLE ONES. PS. OH MAN THIS HAD THE WORST ENDING ANY GAME HAS EVER HAD EVER WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING, WHY DID THEY THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?

BY GUM I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO LIKE COMICS IF IT KILLS ME, I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A COMIC BOOK NERD, RIGHT? THAT IS HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT? PS. HELLO SUPERMAN, HELLO

I REALLY LIKE THESE BOOKS A LOT, I LIKE LEARNING ABOUT HOW MUCH NUNS LOVE GETTING ENEMAS AND AN EXPLANATION WHY BAD SMELLING FARTS FEEL HOT. EVERYTHING MARY ROACH WRITES IS GREAT BUT I KINDA FEEL SAD THIS BOOK EXISTS BECAUSE I TOTALLY MADE UP HER NEXT BOOK IN MY IMAGINATION AND THIS BOOK INFRINGED ON IT ENOUGH IT FEELS LIKE MY MADE UP BOOK IS LESS LIKELY TO GET MADE. "FLUSH: SOMETHING SOMETHING TOILETS". BECAUSE THE SPACE TOILET CHAPTER WAS THE BEST CHAPTER ON PACKING FOR MARS. ALTHOUGH I GUESS AFTERLIFE/CORPSES ARE PRETTY CLOSE SO MAYBE IT CAN STILL EXIST, AND IT TOTALLY WOULD BE NAMED THAT, PS. THIS BOOK WAS GOOD, IT WAS REALLY GOOD, BUT IT DOES FEEL OBVIOUS MARY ROACH IS WRITING THESE BOOKS IN THE EXACT ORDER THAT SHE CARES ABOUT THE TOPIC AND SHE CARED MORE ABOUT SEX THEN THE AFTERLIFE, THEN CORPSES THEN DIGESTION.

OH WHAT? THIS THING EXISTED? I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS, LIKE, THE SETUP WAS REALLY COOL AND THE FACT THEY BRUSHED IT ALL AWAY TO DO "NO WAIT THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT, HERE IS THE REAL THING" WAS COOL BUT I KINDA FEEL CHEATED THAT NEITHER THING WAS REALLY ANYTHING IN THE END. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE PREMISE THEY SET UP IS THE KIND OF THING THAT WOULD BE 475 ISSUES OR SOMETHING THAT I WOULD NEVER EVER READ. SO IT'S KINDA GOOD A DIFFERENT STORY BROKE IN AND STOPPED THINGS AT 22 ISSUES.

THIS MOVIE WAS SHOCKINGLY GOOD. LIKE I CAN'T REMEBER ACTUALLY THINKING A COMEDY MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY FUNNY AND NOT JUST "HA THAT WAS FUNNY" FUNNY. PS. OH MAN MICHAEL CERA!

I THINK I DON'T LIKE WHEN DAVID SEDARIS WRITES FICTION, THIS BOOK WAS A MIX OF FICTION AND NONFICTION SECTIONS AND THE NONFICTION PARTS ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE LITTLE STORIES. I THINK MOSTLY I JUST LIKE HEARING THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO DAVID SEDARIS AND WANT THE BOOK TO BE ALL THAT. PS. THE BEST THING ABOUT DAVID SEDARIS BOOKS IS THAT YOU HEAR EVERY SINGLE WORD IN HIS VOICE.

I THINK I'VE WATCHED THE SHOW LIKE 20 TIMES SINCE IT'S SO SHORT AND FEEL ALL *EMOTIONALLY CONNECT* TO IT AND IT WAS WEIRD TO READ THIS. ALL THE STUFF IS SORTA THE SAME BUT ALL MIXED UP, LIKE THE BIG TRENCHCOAT ROBOT IS THE ONE HOLDING THE BAT TO HIT THE SATELLITE BACK. PS. I WILL ALWAYS THINK OF TARSHA AND HARU AS THE SAME PERSON.

OH MAN THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT THE BAD CAR DESIGNER GUY WAS MAKING A GRAPNEL GUN THEN OVER THE COURSE OF THE MOVIE MORE AND MORE PEOPLE HAD GRAPNEL GUNS AND LIKE VARIANT TYPES OF GRAPNEL GUNS. ALSO I KNOW PEOPLE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE RUNWAY BUT HOLY CRAP THEY ARE CHASING THE PLAN FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES ON THE RUNWAY AND THEN IT TAKES OFF AND LIKE 12 MINUTES LATER IT'S STILL OVER THE RUNWAY. PS. OH HEY, SEEING FAST AND THE FURIOUS ALONE, ON A WEEKDAY, IN THE DAYTIME, AT THE DISCOUNT THEATER? IS ANYTHING LESS CLASSY?