Capital Reviews

 Five Feet Apart [Movie] WHAT? NO? THIS IS UNBEARABLE TO WATCH.  IT'S A TEEN ROMANTIC COMEDY LOVE STORY ABOUT TWO TEENS WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS AND THE BOY HAS SOME BACTERIA THAT MAKES HIM INTELLIGIBLE FOR LUNG TRANSPLANTS SO HE'S A ROMEO AND JULET BAD BOY WHO CAN'T COME WITHING SIX FEET OF HIS LOVE ELSE HE WILL SPREAD THE DISEASE AND KILL HER. SO LIKE, THEY ARE IN LOVE AND THEN DECIDE TO STAND FIVE FEET FROM EACH OTHER? I FEEL LIKE THIS CAME OUT IN 2019 AND THAT IS ALREADY NOT GOOD BUT I FEEL LIKE IN 2021 A MOVIE ABOUT SOMEONE FLAUNTING SOCIAL DISTANCING WITH A DEADLY DISEASE JUST SUCKS. PS. THIS IS A REAL BUS MOVIE. I MISS BUS MOVIES SO MUCH. IT'S BEEN YEARS!

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power [television] I WAS GOING TO FINALLY FINISH KORRA, BUT I KEPT GETTING DISTRACTED AND NOT WATCHING IT WELL ENOUGH SO I SWITCHED TO WATCHING SOMETHING ELSE BUT THEN THIS WAS REALLY GOOD TOO. I LOVE THAT THIS MANAGED TO TAKE THE GARBAGE SOURCE MATERIAL AND A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS LIKE "CASTASPELLA" THE SORCERESS, "NETTOSSA" THE LADY WHO CAN MAKE NETS AND 'CATRA' THE CAT AND TELL A LEGITIMATELY GOOD SCI-FI STORY WITH A BUNCH OF INTERESTING CHARACTERS (WHO CONSTANTLY CHANGE SIDES EVERY FIVE SECONDS, BECAUSE THAT WAS ALSO A THING THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME IN THE ORIGINAL) PS. I ALSO LITERALLY AND NON-IRONICALLY LOVE HOW IN THE LAST 15 YEARS THE RULE OF ALL PRESTIGE SERIES ANIMATION IS THAT IT NEEDS TO HAVE BETTER REPRESENTATION THAN WHAT CAME BEFORE, WHICH IS REALLY COOL TO WATCH, BUT ALSO I LIKE THAT WE ARE TO THE POINT THIS SHOW HAS LITERALLY ONLY ONE(?) CANONICALLY STRAIGHT CHARACTER, AND WHEN THEY WANTED TO DO A COMING OUT EPISODE

 Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death [movie] I LOVE WHEN THINGS SUCK AND ARE BAD. PS. I WAS JUST TALKING TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW THEIR AMAZON FEED IS ALL GOOD SMART MOVIES AND MINE IS ALL HORRIBLE GARBAGE. 

 Vivarium [movie] THIS FEELS LIKE A MOVIE WHERE A DIRECTOR BIT OFF MORE THAN THEY COULD CHEW SO IT'S A KINDA FLAWED MOVIE BUT IT ALSO KINDA RULES. LIKE THERE IS TEN MILLION MOVIES LIKE THIS WHERE THE PLOT IS THEM FALLING FOR CUCKOO BOY, OR THE MOTHER LOVING CUCKOO BOY AND THE DAD HATING IT AND THEY FLIRT WITH MAKING THAT MOVIE BUT ALWAYS BREAK AWAY AND JUST FRIGGIN HATE THEIR AWFUL DAMP AUTISTIC YOUNG SHELDON. LIKE I GET IR'S PROBLEMATIC ON HOW MUCH THIS IS METAPHOR FOR AUTISTIC KID OR WHATEVER BUT THEM JUST WAKING UP IN THE MORNING AND IMMEDIATELY FLIPPING OFF THEIR AWFUL BABY BEFORE EVEN GETTING OUT OF BED IS JUST SUCH A DIRECTION TO GO IN. THEY JUST HATE THEIR AWFUL CUCKOO BOY SO MUCH.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THERE WAS DEFINITELY A CUT SUBPLOT ABOUT HER BEING PREGNANT. LIKE THEM BUYING A HOUSE AND THERE BEING A CUCKOOBOY MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE IF THERE WAS A BABY ALSO, BUT I GUESS THE TIMELINE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE? AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW CUCKOOBOY MURDERING A BABY, I GU

 Axiom Verge 2 [game] I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY I LIKED THIS BECAUSE I PLAYED IT BASICALLY EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF FREE TIME I HAD SINCE THE SECOND I BOUGHT IT. LIKE IT'S A GOOD GAME, I LIKE IT, BUT IT'S WEIRD HOW VANILLA AND STRAIGHTFORWARD IT IS COMPARED TO THE FIRST GAME.  LIKE THEY TOOK OUT THE WHOLE "A MILLION NONSENSE WEAPONS" AND ALL THE BOSSES? IT'S A GOOD METROIDVANIA GAME BUT IT FEELS LIKE THEY TOOK OUT ALL THE STUFF THAT MADE IT MORE THAN THAT. IT'S SUCH A WEIRD WAY TO DO A SEQUEL.  PS. WHY DID VIDEOGAMES SUDDENLY DECIDE TO HAVE LAMASU IN THEM? 

 The Halloween Moon [book, audiobook] THIS HAS NOT ACTUALLY BEEN LISTED IN THE PORTLAND TEEN LIBRARY THING BUT I JUST ASSUME IT WILL BE EVENTUALLY. WELL WRITTEN, FAMOUS AUTHOR'S FIRST KIDS BOOK, DISCUSSION OF JEWISH IDENTITY AND RACISM. FEELS THE TYPE.  IT'S GOOD, I LIKED IT. IT HAS HEAVY SHADES OF ALICE ISN'T DEAD. LIKE VERY EXTREMELY HEAVY. DAN APPLE AND ED PUMPKINS ARE VERY CLEARLY THE EXACT SAME THING AS THISTLMEN. IT ALSO HAS AN EXTREME FEELING HE IS MAKING UP THE STORY EXACTLY AS HE WRITES EACH PAGE SO A BUNCH OF ELEMENTS APPEAR THEN DON'T MATTER AT ALL AND YOU CAN TELL HE ONLY FIGURED OUT WHAT THE THEME HE WAS WRITING LIKE 60% INTO THE STORY. IT'S STILL REALLY GOOD.  PS. WHAT IF THERE WAS A *TOWN* WHERE *TIME DIDN'T WORK* AND WE USED A *GIANT LOOMING PLANET* HOVERING IN THE SKY AS A METAPHOR FOR DEATH. 

 Teen Titans Go! See Space Jam [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS A FUNNY IDEA FOR A MOVIE. IT'S NOT REALLY ANYTHING GROUNDBREAKING SINCE IT'S JUST SORT OF BAD MST3K, BUT IT'S STILL FUNNY THEY MADE IT. LIKE IT'S AN AD SO IT HAD TO BE POSITIVE BUT IT DID AN OKAY JOB POINTING OUT HOW STUPID THE MOVIE IS. THAT IS SOMEWHAT FUNNY. ALTHOUGH I FEEL A LEVEL OF CALCULATION WHERE THE THING THEY WERE THE MEANEST ABOUT IS THE FUCKED UP CROWDS IN THE STANDS, WHERE SPACE JAM 2 WAS SO PROUD HOW 'GOOD' THEIR'S WAS. ALSO THEY FEATURED THE SPACE JAM WEBSITE, SO THAT WAS FUNNY.  PS. I'M SARAH BUT INFINITELY STUPIDER. I WAS GOING TO WATCH THIS LAST NIGHT BUT SAW THERE WAS ANOTHER MOVIE FRIST, SO I 'HAD' TO WATCH THAT ONE BEFORE THIS. OOF, I DON'T EVEN LIKE TEEN TITANS THAT MUCH

 I love David! [television, nonfiction] THIS WAS REALLY SURPRISINGLY GOOD. IT HIT A REALLY GOOD BALANCE OF DUNKING ON HIM AND HIM NOT GETTING THEY WERE MAKING FUN OF HIM AND ALSO BEING GENUINELY INTERESTING ABOUT HIS WEIRD PAST AND HIS WEIRD EXTREMELY NOT TRUE CLAIMS ABOUT HIS PAST.  PS. I MEAN I THINK THE PREMISE IN BOTH CASES IS THAT IT'S AN EXTREMELY GENERIC AND BUILT IN SYNTH LOOP BUT I WAS LOSING MY MIND THE SONG BACKGROUND WAS JUST THE SYNTHESIZER FROM 'I REMEMBER YOU' FROM ADVENTURE TIME. 

 Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans [movie] I FEEL LIKE I KEEP TRACK OF THE DC ANIMATED MOVIES BECAUSE A LOT OF THEM ARE GOOD, BUT THIS APPARENTLY CAME OUT LIKE 2 YEARS AGO AND I NEVER HEARD OF IT? IT'S FINE. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN WATCH TEEN TITANS GO MUCH AND I'VE SEEN LIKE 4 EPISODES WITH THIS EXACT PREMISE. WHERE THEY MEET OR BECOME SOMEONE MORE SERIOUS THAN THEM AND ARE JEALOUS OR ARE MAKING FUN OF FANS THAT SAID THE OLD SHOW WAS BETTER.  PS. I THINK THE SANTA CLAUS STUFF IS ALSO A REOCCURRING JOKE FROM THE SHOW BUT AS A STAND ALONE JOKE I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT WAS EXTREMELY FUNNY. THE 90S RAP BATTLE WAS ALSO FAIRLY FUNNY. 

Evangelion: 3.0+1.01 Thrice Upon A Time [anime, movie] I FEEL LIKE I WAS PRIMED TO NOT LIKE THIS. THIS WHOLE SERIES WAS ALL SO FOCUSED ON HAVING CRAZY BADASS STUFF THEY COULD SELL STATUES OF THAT THEY LOST WHAT EVANGELION WAS AND THIS WAS THAT THROUGH THE MIDDLE, WITH LOTS OF CRAZY SCENES YOU COULD BARELY SEE WHAT ANYTHING EVEN WAS BUT THIS ALSO FOUND A REALLY GOOD WAY TO MAKE THIS GET BACK TO A SLICE OF LIFE WHERE THEY COULD TEACH REI ALL ABOUT WHAT CATS ARE AND CANONICALLY SETTLE EVERY SINGLE SHIPPING DEBATE. SO I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I DID LIKE THIS A LOT. ALSO I AFTER ALL THIS TIME I 100% WATCHED IT IN JAPANESE ANYWAY, I THINK I WASN'T REALLY WAITING FOR IT TO COME OUT IN ENGLISH, I JUST WANTED THERE TO BE SOME SPECIAL DATE WHERE IT CAME OUT, INSTEAD OF RANDOMLY WATCHING A PIRATED COPY SOME RANDOM DAY. IT FELT IMPORTANT. PS. GOODBYE TO ALL EVANGELIONS. 

 Deep [movie] THIS MOVIE WASN'T GOOD BUT IT WAS VERY CUTE, LIKE IT HAD LIFE AND DEATH STAKES BUT EVERYONE WAS MORE CHILL ABOUT IT OVERALL THAN WAS REASONABLE. ALSO I LIKE THE GIRL DEDUCING THAT THE GUY'S QUARTONIAN WAAS GOING UP BECAUSE HE WORKED OUT IN THE GYM SO HER SOLUTION WAS THEY SHOULD HAVE A SASSY POOL PARTY AND DRINK COKE WITH THE LABEL PULLED OFF.  PS. I FEEL LIKE ALL THE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS WERE FROM SOMETHING BUT I CAN'T THINK OF WHAT AND IT'S TOO HARD TO SEARCH FOR A MOVIE CALLED "DEEP" TO FIND A MESSAGE BOARD WHERE SOMEONE GOES "OH YEAH, ISN'T THAT SOUND EFFECTS FROM A VIDEOGAME BUT PLAYED AT THE WRONG SPEED?" 

 Centaurworld Season 1 [television] IS THIS GOOD? I DON'T KNOW. IF THE TWIST AT THE END WAS THE CAMERA PULLING OUT AND THIS BEING A SECRET SEASON OF INFINITY TRAIN I'D HAVE BELIEVED IT (IF ONLY BECAUSE OF THE VOICES) BUT IT ALSO WAS TUNED UP TO BE REALLY ANNOYING AT ALL TIMES? LIKE THE TROLLS MOVIE BUT WITH IMPLIED DARK BACKSTORY. THE SONGS WERE ALSO JUST TOO MUCH. SOME OF THEM WERE GOOD BUT THEY PUSHED TOO MANY SONGS PER EPISODE AND A LOT OF THEM WERE JUST TOO MUCH. THIS SHOW IN GENERAL WAS TOO MUCH. PS. IT DID THE INFINITY TRAIN THING OF BEING REALLY WHIMSICAL THEN BEING 'WE ARE FUCKED UP NOW' AT THE END OF EPISODES BUT REALLY ONLY SMASHING THE LADYBUG REALLY GOT THERE, THE NOWHERE KING JUST WASN'T COOL ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORK. ESPECIALLY SINCE IT LOOKED ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THE GUARDIAN FROM INFINITY TRAIN AND THE WEIRD WIZARD LADY LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE AMELIA. 

 The Swarm [movie] THIS MOVIE ISN'T REALLY GREAT BUT I THINK I LIKE THE CUT OF IT'S JIBB, IT'S SO ODVIOUS IT'S GOING TO BE ONE TYPE OF MOVIE THEN IT'S SO ODVIOUS IT'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER TYPE OF MOVIE AND IT JUST NEVER DOES THAT, IT'S JUST A MOVIE ABOUT A SHITTY MOM'S BAD SMALL BUISNESS AND THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO GO WITH THIS.  PS. ONE OF MY EARLIEST MEMORIES IS A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT LEACHES BEING ON TV AND THAT SCARING WILLY AND YOU'D THINK IT'D BE LIKE THAT.

 Minecraft: The Island [book] WITH A SEQUEL COMING OUT SOMEONE MENTIONED TO ME "DID YOU KNOW THE FIRST MINECRAFT BOOK IS REALLY REALLY WEIRD?" AND SINCE I COULD JUST GRAB A NEARBY COPY I COULD VERIFY THAT IT WAS IN FACT VERY WEIRD AND READ ABOUT HALF, THEN ENDED UP LISTENING TO HALF OF IT AS READ BY JACK BLACK. IT'S WRITTEN BY THE GUY THAT WROTE WORLD WAR Z AND HAS THE EXACT SORT OF PREMISE YOU WOULD EXPECT SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAVE WHERE A GUY IS SUCKED INTO THE MINECRAFT WORLD. BUT INSTEAD OF BEING NORMAL ABOUT IT IT WAS HYPER AWARE OF THE VERY SPECIFIC GAME MECHANICS, SO IT WOULD JUST GO ON AND ON VERY SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THINGS LIKE THE GAME INTERFACE OR THE FACT HE COULD PUNCH 4 BLOCKS AWAY OR THAT ALL THE RAW FISH WERE DIFFERENT TYPES OF FISH BUT THE COOKED FISH ARE ONE TYPE OF FISH.   PS. THE OTHER HALF OF WHAT MADE THIS WILD IS THAT INSTEAD OF BEING A NORMAL KID'S BOOK IT SEEMED TO BE A SELF HELP BOOK ABOUT EMOTIONAL REGULATION? THAT SEEMED CONTRIVED TO INVEN

  Mortal Kombat [movie] IF THIS MOVIE WAS JUST DUMB IT WOULD BE BAD. OF THEY JUST SAID "FINISH HIM" AND WINKED AT THE CAMERA THAT WOULD BE BAD BUT THE AMOUNT THEY LEANED INTO IT MADE IT RULE. JUST CONSTANT STUPID MORTAL KOMBAT THINGS. PS. LIKE LEG SWEEPING OVER AND OVER IS THE BEST POSSIBLE MORTAL KOMBAT JOKE