Posts

Showing posts from November, 2012

Skyfall [movie]

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE EXISTED TO DO TWO THINGS: TURN THE CONVERSATION THE WRITERS HAD ABOUT 'WHAT THE HECK DOES JAMES BOND EVEN DO ANYMORE?" THAT THEY HAD WHILE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO WRITE THE MOVIE ABOUT INTO THE MOVIE INSTEAD AND ALSO TO THROW A HUGE FRIGGIN MONKEY WRENCH INTO NERD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT JAMES BOND CONTINUITY AND CHRONOLOGY. PS. I AM SEEING A TON OF FULL PRICE FIRST RUN MOVIES LATELY WHICH IS SO AGAINST MY NATURE, BUT WHATEVER, WHATEVER, WHATEVER!

Red Dawn [movie]

OH GOD I HAVE LIKE TEN TRILLION THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS DUMBEST POSSIBLE REMAKE OF THE DUMBEST POSSIBLE MOVIE. I FEEL LIKE I COULD WRITE TEN PAGES JUST ABOUT THE CONTRAST BETWEEN THE ENDINGS. I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS SPINNING WITH HOW MUCH THERE IS TO SAY ABOUT THIS MOVIE BUT WHERE TO EVEN START? PS. WHEN BUYING A TICKET I CALLED THE MOVIE HOME FRONT BY MISTAKE, TAKE THAT  JOHN MILIUS!  

The Long Hard Road Out of Hell [book]

BEING A BIG DORK AS A KID IS KINDA A PART OF THE MARILYN MANSON LORE THAT EVERYONE KNOWS BUT MAN WAS HE A DORK, ALSO PARTS OF HIS CHILDHOODS SOUND REALLY MADE UP IN A WAY THAT MADE HIM SOUND EVEN MORE DORKY. PARTICULARLY HIS FRIEND'S BROTHER DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A REAL THING. ALSO IT'S ALL JOKES BUT MAN DOES HE SEEM TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME MAKING FUN OF GAY PEOPLE FOR A GUY THAT PUBLICLY SUCKS GUY'S DICKS ON STAGE.  YEAH DUDE, WE GET IT, THE CURE IS GAY, IT WAS HILARIOUS THE FIRST 40 TIMES YOU SAID IT. PS. EL TOPO IS HIS FAVORITE MOVIE AND GOD THAT IS PERFECT, A++++

ThanksKilling [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY BAD AND THE BEST PART IS THE FACT THE TURKEY USES WEAPONS TO KILL PEOPLE INSTEAD OF JUST PECKING THEM OR SOMETHING. PS. ALSO THE NAKED GIRL IN THE OPENING THAT GETS KILLED IS A PORN STAR NAMED 'WANDA LUST' APPARENTLY AND MAN THAT IS A GOOD PORN STAR NAME.

Atlas Shrugged: Part one [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS WHAT IS CALLED AN 'ASH CAN FILM', A FILM MADE TO COMPLY WITH SOME CONTRACT THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE SEEN. THIS FILM WAS STARTED 2 DAYS BEFORE THE RIGHTS LAPSED AND FILMED ENTIRELY IN 5 WEEKS. AND I THINK I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE ASHCAN MOVIES. ALTHOUGH THEY ARE NEVER GOOD, NOT EVEN USUALLY GOOD IN AN IRONIC WAY, IT'S JUST INTERESTING THEY EXIST. PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS IT ACTUALLY DID A FAIRLY DECENT JOB EXPLAINING WHY IT WAS 2016 AND EVERYONE WAS STILL TALKING ABOUT TRAINS BUT IT WAS WEIRD THEY BOTHERED TO DO OKAY EXPLAINING THAT BUT STILL HAD THE TRAIN GOING 250 MPH WHICH IS REALLY NOT THAT FAST FOR A MODERN HIGH SPEED TRAIN.

The man with the iron fists [movie]

THIS A 100% SERIOUS KUNG FU MOVIE WRITTEN AND STARING WU TANG CLAN MEMBERS BACKED BY QUENTIN TARANTINO, HOW COULD THIS TERRIBLE TERRIBLE MOVIE NOT BE AWESOME? PS. A GUY HAD A SHIRT MADE OF KNIVES AND A DIFFERENT GUY HAD A KNIFE THAT WAS A GUN THAT SHOT TINY KNIVES AND ALSO WAS A DRILL AND ALSO WAS A GUN.

Mars Needs Moms [movie]

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS WHEN THE MEN OF MARS CAME OUT OF THE GARBAGE AND PUNCHED THE WOMEN TO TEACH THEM THAT THEY NEEDED TO DO CHILD REARING. PS. THE BEST PART WAS WHEN A CAT MOVED REALLY REALISTIC AND IT WAS REALLY UNCLEAR IF THEY MOTION CAPTURED A CAT SINCE THIS MOVIE WAS ALL ABOUT TERRIBLE CREEPY LOOKING MOTION CAPTURE.

Dracula 3000 [movie]

I WATCHED THIS WHOLE MOVIE BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THERE WAS SOME CLIP OF IT THAT I THOUGHT WAS HILARIOUS AND I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS. PS. IT WAS THE SUPER SUPER ABRUPT ENDING. IT WAS WORTH IT.

The Lorax [movie]

I DON'T GET IT. THE ONCELER ISN'T A REAL PERSON, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THE MOVIE HAD TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME PAINTING HIM IN A POSITIVE LIGHT OR VINDICATING HIS ACTION, TO THE POINT OF HAVING TO HAVE A SEPARATE VILLAIN THAT JUST HATES TREES. THE 'HOW BAD CAN I BE' SONG IS THE ONLY PART OF THIS WHOLE MOVIE THAT FEELS LIKE IT HAS EVEN A GLIMMER OF UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT A TERRIBLE THING THIS MOVIE IS. PS. PARTS OF THIS MOVIE SEEMED LIKE THE FRAME RATE WAS REALLY LOW, WHICH MAKES ME WONDER WHY NO ONE HAS EVER DONE AN INTENTIONAL CGI CLAYMATION THING? IT SEEMS LIKE IT'D LOOK REAL GOOD.

Cabin in the Woods [movie]

I KNEW LITERALLY NOTHING ABOUT THE PREMISE OF THIS MOVIE BEFORE WATCHING IT SO THE TWIST WAS ACTUALLY SORT OF A TWIST TO ME. I AM CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOVIE THOUGH, THE HUMOR WAS NEAT, AND I KINDA LOVED THE HORROR MOVIE REFERENCES BUT  THE WHIPLASH OF PINGPONGING BETWEEN THEM KINDA RUINED THINGS AT TIME. PS. OFF BRAND CENOBITE JUSTIFIED THIS WHOLE MOVIE EXISTING THOUGH AND I WAS SO INTO THAT. I WOULD WATCH THAT MOVIE NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Cloud Atlas [movie]

GOOD LORD I LOVE THIS MOVIE. NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE EVER BUT FRIG THIS MOVIE WAS GOOD, IT'S THE SAME AS THE FOUNTAIN, NO ONE LIKED THE FOUNTAIN, THIS IS A MORE BETTER FOUNTAIN. ALSO GUESS WHAT, THE ASIAN STUFF? WHATEVER, IT'S UNFORTUNATE BUT THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY WAY TO FILM THE MOVIE WITHOUT THAT. THE MAJOR POINT OF THE MOVIE WAS PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT LIVES AND THE FILM CONCEIT OF THAT WAS TO USE THE SAME ACTORS, BUT THE LIVES THEY LIVE ARE ACROSS TIME AND PLACE AND THERE IS NO WAY TO AVOID IT. SO YOU END UP WITH THE WEIRDNESS OF HUGO WEAVING AS A KOREAN, AND HALLE BERRY AS A HISPANIC AND BAE DOONA AS A VICTORIAN WIFE AND IT'S DUMB BUT WHAT ELSE COULD THEY DO? PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE WAS THE STUPID FUTURE LANGUAGE. I SERIOUSLY LOVED THAT. ALSO MAYBE THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE WAS THE WACHOWSKI'S BEING ALL 'THAT PART FROM THE MATRIX YOU HATED? COME ON! NO, IT'S STILL COOL, COME ON, IT IS! IT IS!" 

Timer [movie]

I REALLY HONESTLY CAN'T THINK OF A MOVIE WITH A PROTAGONIST THAT I DISLIKED MORE THAN THIS. AT EVERY LEVEL SHE IS A PERSON I HATE. ON THE OTHER HAND THIS MOVIE HAD THIS WEIRD THING WHERE LIKE ONE OUT OF EVERY 10 SCENES WOULD SUDDENLY HAVE REALLY GOOD DIALOG LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WROTE IT OR SOMETHING? PS. MAYBE I KNEW ABOUT THIS MOVIE AND WATCHED IT AFTER I GOT OKCUPID BACK UP TO 100% COMPLETE THEN LOOKED AT THE MATCHES AND SAW NOTHING AT ALL CHANGED EVEN A LITTLE.