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Showing posts from December, 2017

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 [game]

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS GAME. THE CHARACTERS, THE STORY, THE GAMEPLAY, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS SUPER GOOD.I DON'T EVEN MIND THAT I PLAYED 80 HOURS BEFORE THE PATCH CAME OUT THAT MADE THE MAP ACTUALLY WORK. I EVEN LOVED THE WEIRD THING WHERE THEY HAD DIFFERENT ARTISTS DRAW THE DIFFERENT 'BLADES' SO ALL OF THEM LOOKED LIKE WEIRD DISCORDANT BOOBIE MONSTERS THAT DIDN'T FIT THE STYLE, IT FELT RIGHT FOR THE BLADES TO BE NOT QUITE RIGHT. THE WHOLE SETTING IS REALLY AMAZING TOO.   PS. I REALLY LEGITIMATELY LOVE THAT XENOGEARS WAS SQUARE, XENOSAGA IS NAMCO AND THIS IS A NINTENDO GAME AND THEY AREN'T RELATED BUT THEY TOTALLY ARE IN A WAY THAT FEELS LIKE MUTATED MYTH AND LEGEND IN A WAY A REAL GAME SERIES COULD NEVER DO. LIKE CHU-CHU TO TORA WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY PLANNED THIS.

Stasis [movie]

I'LL ADMIT I WASN'T WATCHING THIS VERY WELL AND KEPT WANDERING OFF SO MAYBE IT'S THAT BUT I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T REMEMBER A MOVIE WHERE I FELT MORE UNCLEAR WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT ANY TIME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PLOT WAS OR WHAT ANYONE WAS DOING OR WHO ANYONE WAS EVER. I HAD TO READ A REVIEW TO EVEN FIGURE OUT THE GOTH GIRL WAS THE SAME GIRL AS THE OTHER GIRL.   PS. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHAT STASIS WAS OR HOW THE WHOLE TIME TRAVEL THING WORKED OR WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO

Bright [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS TRYING TO BE ADULT ZOOTOPIA BUT WAS HANDLING THE RACE METAPHOR EXACTLY THE WAY YOU'D THINK A PRODUCTION COMPANY THAT "IRONICALLY" NAMED ITSELF "TRIGGER WARNING" WOULD SO THEY DECIDED THE SECOND HALF OF THE MOVIE WOULD JUST BE A SET OF NEARLY IDENTICAL SHOOTOUTS THAT KEPT MOVING TO NEW LOCATIONS.   PS. THIS MOVIE WASN'T GOOD BUT I AM SO HAPPY TO NOT BE WATCHING CHRISTMAS MOVIES ANYMORE.

It Devours [book]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS. IT IS A SCIENCE VS RELIGION STORY AND IT FEELS WEIRDLY RESISTANT TO FALLING INTO THE STANDARD TROPES OF THAT. IN A WAY THAT KINDA FEELS LIKE A FRESH TAKE AND KINDA FEELS LIKE IT'S SUPER UNCLEAR WHAT IT WAS TRYING TO SAY.  I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO WRITE THE LAZY SOUTH PARK MORMON EPISODE "THEIR RELIGION IS DUMB BUT THEY HAVE COMMUNITY AND IT MAKES THEM NICE" BUT DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEART IN IT OR SOMETHING.   PS. THE FIRST NIGHTVALE BOOK FELT LIKE IT LITERALLY WAS NOT WORTH ANYTHING UNLESS YOU LISTENED TO THE AUDIOBOOK AND THAT IT ALSO LET SILLY NIGHTVALE STUFF RUIN THE SERIOUS PLOT. THIS FEELS WAY MORE LIKE A COHERENT AND ACTUAL BOOK AND IT FELT REALLY WILLING TO SLIGHTLY CHANGE AROUND ESTABLISHED NIGHTVALE STUFF TO MAKE A MORE COHERENT STORY AND THAT IS NICE. ON THE OTHER HAND NONE OF THE SMILING GOD STUFF MADE ANY SENSE IF YOU TRIED TO FIT IT INTO THE SHOW AND DIDN'T TAKE IT AS A STAND ALONE THING.

An Evergreen Christmas [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS SO WEIRDLY REPUBLICAN. NOT EVEN LIKE, CONSERVATIVE, JUST SPECIFICALLY REPUBLICAN. LIKE THE PLOT IS ABOUT SOME WEIRD SCENARIO WHERE THE ESTATE TAX IS GOING TO STEAL THEIR FAMILY BUSINESS OR AGRICULTURE INSPECTORS ARE. PS. THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE EXPLICITLY THE DESCENDANTS OF ROBERT E LEE!

Christmas in the City [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS FINE. IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING BUT IT'S NOT THAT BORING. HOWEVER THE DON'T TRUST SANTA SCENE WITH THE KIDS SITTING IN THE DARK ROOM IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN MY THOUSANDS OF YEARS ON THIS EARTH. HOLY CRAP. HUNK SANTA IS GREAT TOO AND THEY ALMOST DID THE CASABLANCA FRENCH ANTHEM SCENE AND ITS DAMN TRAGIC THEY DIDN'T.   PS. IT'S FUNNY THIS EVEN HAD A SUPERNATURAL ELEMENT. IT'S NOT EVEN A TWIST AT THE END IT'S FROM LIKE 45 MINUTES IN TO LIKE 65 IN. IT'S MOSTLY JUST A WOMAN DATING A RICH CEO WHO GRABS HER BUTT THE FIRST DAY SHE'S THERE.

48 Christmas Wishes [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS EXTREMELY BORING. I LIKED THE WEIRD BAD ACTING CAUSING THE ELVES TO SEEM LIKE SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE ALIEN RACE. I LIKE HOW INCONSISTENT ABOUT IF ELVES KNEW ABOUT CHRISTMAS STUFF. LIKE THEY KNEW ALL ABOUT CHRISTMAS TREES BUT WERE ALL CONFUSED BY STOCKINGS. I LIKE THE IDEA YOU COULD LIKE, DIVINE THE TRUE CHRISTMAS RELIGION AND THE HUMAN CELEBRATION WAS SOME FALLEN PERVERSION.   PS. I NEED TO GO BACK TO ROMANTIC COMEDIES, THESE LAST FEW HAVEN'T BEEN WORTH IT.

Mandie and the Forgotten Christmas [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS WEIRD. LIKE OT WAS I INITIALLY  HARD TO TELL IF IT WAS A MOVIE THAT WAS SO BAD IT ACTUALLY CAST A BLOND AND BLUE EYED GIRL TO VE NATIVE A ERICAN AND A RED HAIRED GIRL TO BE BLACK OR SOMETHING OR IF THIS WAS FAR ENOUGH VICTORIAN AUTHENTIC STUFF I WAS READING AS RACE ISSUES WERE OBSCURE CLASS ISSUE STUFF. BUT I GUESS THIS IS FROM A BOOK IN A LONG SERIES OF BOOKS AND THAT STUFF IS JUST EXPLAINED. IT IS ACTUALLY ANTI IRISH BIGOTRY. SHE HAS NINE SIBLINGS.   PS. THE PART MANDIE IS WHIPPED IS VERY WEIRD

My Santa [movie]

OH MY GOD, THE PREMISE OF THIS MOVIE IS ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. LIKE, SANTA IS DYING, AND HE HAS A SEXY SON WHO NEEDS TO TAKE HIS PLACE. BUT HIS SON IS POWERLESS BUT WILL GROW EVER MORE POWERFUL AS HE DRAWS CLOSE TO A HUMAN WOMAN AND HAS UNTIL CHRISTMAS DAY TO UNLOCK HIS POWER OR CHRISTMAS WILL BE ENDED FOREVER.   PS. I AM TRYING TO WATCH ALL THESE MOVIES TO DRAW OUT MY CHRISTMAS POWER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

The Christmas Bunny [movie]

I LIKE HOW LITTLE OF THIS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. ALSO THE BROTHER AND THE DAD SEEM LIKE ACTUALLY AWFUL AND SORT OF ABUSIVE. ALSO THIS MOVIE HAS SOME LONG BORING PARTS BUT THE PARTS WHERE IT GOES DEEP ON THE BAD ACTING ARE MAGICAL AND IT'S GREAT. EVERY SCENE WITH THE RABBIT LADY AND THE ONE SCENE WITH THE OWNER BOY ARE JUST PERFECT.   PS. "THE BUNNY IS UNDER MY BED ALL THE TIME NOW. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. IT JUST MAKES THIS LITTLE SCARPING NOISE WITH IT'S GOOD LEG. I CAN HEAR IT ALL THE TIME NOW, EVEN WHEN I'M IN THE YARD UNDER MY GOOD TREE. NOTHING IS FUN ANYMORE. ALL I CAN DO IS HEAR THAT NOISE. MY STOMACH HURTS. I WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW." TOO OBSCURE A REFERENCE? THE GIRL *IS* NAMED JULIE IN THIS.

Merry Kissmas [movie]

THE GUY IS AWFUL, HE IS CLEARLY AWFUL, BUT THIS MOVIE IS WEIRD BECAUSE HE CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AWFUL LIKE THAT ALL ALONG AND HIS WEIRD AWFUL PERSONALITY PRESUMABLY WOULD HAVE TO BE SOMETHING SOMEONE LIKES ABOUT HIM TO BE ENGAGED TO HIM. LIKE HE SEEMS LIKE HE'S A BAD ECCENTRIC THAT NO NORMAL PERSON WOULD LIKE BUT SHE JUST SEEMS ACTUALLY MEAN AND BAD BECAUSE SHE IS JUST REGULAR BAD TO HIM AND CHEATS ON HIM.   PS. THE TITLE OF THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD AND THE START OF THIS MADE ME THINK I MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE BUT IT WENT ON SO SO SO LONG BEYOND WHERE IT NEEDED TO.

The Christmas Spirit [movie]

"AS CHRISTMAS APPROACHES, ATTORNEY KATE JORDAN TRAVELS TO VERMONT TO OVERSEE THE SALE OF AN INN, WHERE SHE FALLS FOR A HANDSOME BUT CURSED GHOST." PS. I GET HOW ROMANCE MOVIES WORK BUT BOY IS IT AN ASSHOLE THING TO DITCH YOUR DEAD GHOST WIFE THAT WAITED FOR YOU FOR LIKE 180 YEARS FOR SOME GIRL YOU MET 12 DAYS AGO.

Christmas Inheritance [movie]

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST BORING MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN AND IT'S REALLY WEIRD THAT IT STARTED WITH A BUNCH OF WEIRD UPSKIRT SHOTS. WHO WAS THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR THIS BAD ROMANTIC CHRISTMAS MOVIE THAT WANTED THE MOVIE TO START WITH HER DOING A BUNCH OF FLIPS THAT SHOW OFF HER PANTIES?   PS. SHE HAD AN URBAN BOYFRIEND AND A RURAL BOYFRIEND AND THE URBAN BOYFRIEND WAS BLACK AND BAD AND THE RURAL BOYFRIEND WAS WHITE AND GOOD.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi [movie]

THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD MOVIE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE. LIKE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WAIT TWO YEARS TO SEE THE NEXT ONE TO EVEN TELL YOU IF I LIKED THIS OR HATED IT.   PS. THERE WAS ONE PARTICULAR SCENE THAT MIRRORED A DREAM I HAD YEARS AND YEARS AGO THAT ALWAYS STUCK WITH ME TO THE POINT I FEEL UPSET THAT NOW IF I EVER TRIED TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT THEY WOULD SAY 'LIKE THAT STAR WARS THING?". SO THAT IS MY DISNEY STAR WARS REVIEW: STEALING YOUR MOST PRIVATE DREAMS AND SELLING THEM BACK TO YOU.

How Sarah Got Her Wings [movie]

MY NEW GIMMICK FOR A WHILE IS GOING TO BE WATCHING BAD CHRISTMAS MOVIES. THIS ONE WAS WEIRD BECAUSE IT WAS OVERALL SUCH A STRANGE MOVIE THAT I OFTEN LOST TRACK ON IF I WAS A HIPSTER LAUGHING MOCKINGLY AT THE MOVIE OR IF THE PARTS I WAS LAUGHING AT WERE INTENTIONALLY WRITTEN JOKES. LIKE I GUESS STEVE JOBS IS BANNED FROM HEAVEN AND JUST HAS TO MAKE IWATCH APPS FOREVER? WAS THE IWATCH EVEN OUT WHEN THIS MOVIE CAME OUT?   PS. THE SITUATION WHERE THE EX BOYFRIEND SECRETLY HANGS OUT WITH THEIR EX GIRLFRIEND'S SON ALL THE TIME IS SUPER CREEPY.

The Christmas Prince [movie]

I WATCHED THIS MOVIE BECAUSE THE NETFLIX TWITTER WAS MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE WATCHING THIS MOVIE AND THAT IS SOME REALLY META 2017 ADVERTISING. I AM NOT REALLY SURE WHY A BUNCH OF THINGS THAT WEREN'T WEDDINGS WERE CONDUCTED IN THE FORM OF WEDDINGS OR WHY THE KING WOULD CHANGE THE LAW BY HIDING THE NEW LAW INSIDE OF AN ACORN.   PS. THIS IS A MEAN THING TO SAY  BUT JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES PRINCESS EMILY LOOK LIKE SOMEONE TOOK AN ALIEN THEN TRIED TO DRAPE HUMAN SKIN OVER IT OR SOMETHING. IS SHE A BALDING 12 YEAR OLD?

Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack [movie, anime]

I GUESS THIS DESCRIBES EVERYTHING ITO HAS EVER MADE BUT I CAN NOT BELIVE HOW GOOD A JOB THIS DID OF MAKING A LEGITIMATELY SCARY MOVIE OUT OF THE ABSOLUTE DUMBEST PREMISE I CAN EVEN IMAGINE. PS. I CAN NOT BELIEVE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A LOONY TUNES ABOUT A PIE USED THE CONCEPT OF STINK LINES LIFTING SOMEONE UP AND DRAWING THEM INTO SOMETHING.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters [movie]

I FEEL LIKE I LIKED AQUA TEEN WELL ENOUGH BACK IN THE DAY BUT THIS MOVIE IS ALMOST UNWATCHABLE BORING.   PS. I NEVER WATCHED THIS MOVIE BECAUSE WHEN I GRADUATED COLLEGE I PIRATED DOZENS OF MOVIES AND TV SHOWS AND ANIME AND STUFF FOR THE COMING MONTHS I WOULDN'T HAVE FAST INTERNET AND THEN I COULDN'T WATCH THE LAST FEW THINGS ON THE LAST DISK FOR THE SAME GENERAL PREMISE SUPERSTITION I HAVE ABOUT TURNING FANS UP ALL THE WAY AND ALSO A RADIOLAB THAT MADE ME CRY IN PORTLAND ABOUT A BABY THAT SUFFOCATED?

Doki Doki Literature Club [game]

OH GEEZ, THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD. I THINK I REALLY CONSISTENTLY LIKE THE CONCEPT OF THE FROG FRACTIONS TWIST OF ANY GAME BEING SOME OTHER GAME.  I THINK THE SPOOKY COMPUTER GHOST STUFF IS LESS UPSETTING THAN THE STRAIGHT ROMANCE/DEPRESSION BASED HORROR THOUGH. I KINDA GOT TO THE POINT I WAS FEELING OVERLY UNCOMFORTABLE AT SOME OF THE STUFF THAT WASN'T THE SPOOKY GLITCH GHOST STUFF.   PS. I DATED THE WORST GIRL THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD FIGURE AN IDENTIFIABLE GIMMICK OF FROM THE FIRST DAY AND THEN FELT BAD SWITCHING TO SOMEONE ELSE.

Naked [movie]

THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT A GUY WHO IS NAKED IN AN ELEVATOR AND NEEDS TO GET TO HIS WEDDING AND IS ALSO STUCK IN A TIME LOOP BECAUSE HE BOOKED AT A CHURCH THAT HAS NEVER MISSED A WEDDING. IT ALSO HAS A VERY MAJORA'S MASK PROGRESSION INSTEAD OF A GROUNDHOG DAY PROGRESSION.    PS. THIS IS THE MOST SITCOMY I THINK I HAVE EVER SEEN THE WRITING IN A MOVIE BE DESPITE THE EXTREMELY BIZARRE PREMISE. 

Godless [television]

I DON'T KNOW, I WANTED TO LIKE THIS MORE, IT JUST ENDED UP BEING SORT OF NOTHING. LIKE IT SET UP SOME SOLID PIECES LIKE A TOWN MADE UP OF ONLY WOMEN AND A PROTAGONIST LITERALLY NAMED "MR GOOD" AND A SUPER GOOD VILLAIN BUT IT JUST KINDA DOES NOTHING WITH ANY OF IT. EVERYONE JUST WANDERS AROUND FOR 6 EPISODES THEN THERE IS A SHOOTOUT AND EVERYONE LEAVES AND THAT IS IT. THE END.   PS. I WATCHED THIS BECAUSE I ALWAYS SAY I WANT THEY TO MAKE LIMITED RUN STORIES WITH A BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END AND NOT ETERNAL SERIES THAT HAVE 50 SEASONS AND THIS IS 7 EPISODES AND ENDS AND THEY BETTER NOT MAKE MORE SEASONS

The 7th Guest [game]

OH GEEZ, THIS IS A GAME I WANTED TO PLAY SO MUCH SEEING IT IN GAMEPRO IN 1993. I THINK IT LIVED UP TO MY HOPES AND DREAMS PRETTY WELL. THE GAMEPLAY IS KINDA 1990S AS HECK AND SOME OF IT WAS TORTURE BUT THE FULL MOTION VIDEO WAS ALSO 1990S AS HECK AND WAS PURE GOLD AMAZING. THE WEIRD SEX SCENE! THE WEIRD BATH SCENE! THE WEIRD DEAD BABY SCENE! THIS AGED AS PERFECTLY AS YOU CAN IMAGINE BY NOT AGING WELL AT ALL.   PS. I WOULD SAY I LEGITIMATELY COMPLETED ABOUT A THIRD OF THE PUZZLES, LOOKED UP WHAT A THIRD OF THE PUZZLES EVEN WERE AND JUST STRAIGHT CHEATED ON A THIRD OF THE PUZZLES.