Capital Reviews

Jurassic World: Dominion [movie] THIS MOVIE SUCKS. IT FEELS LIKE IT SETS UP FOR AN ACTUAL INTERESTING MOVIE WITH SOME SORT OF INDEPENDENCE DAY STYLE DISASTER MOVIE WITH SOME GLOBAL VIEW OF VARIOUS DINO DISASTERS BUT THEN THEY ALL JUST GO TO APPLE JURASSIC PARK AND HAVE A WEIRD AMOUNT OF KNIFE FIGHTS  PS. JURASSIC WORLD? NOT A FAN

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves [movie] YEAH, THIS WAS DECENT. I KINDA FEEL LIKE SOME PEOPLE HYPED IT UP AS AMAZING BECAUSE IT WAS NOT BAD THE WAY WE ALL EXPECTED IT TO BE TERRIBLE, BUT IT WAS REASONABLY GOOD ENOUGH. I FEEL LIKE IT WAS A MOVIE THAT WAS LIGHTHEARTED BUT DIDN'T HAVE EVERYONE SAY "UMM, THAT JUST HAPPENED" MARVEL STYLE. IT DID KIND OF FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAD CHARACTER TRAITS THAT THE MOVIE FORGOT ABOUT FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME, LIKE HELGA BEING EXTREMELY DAX STYLE STUPID BUT ONLY SOMETIMES OR THE DRUID BEING DISCOUNT AUDRY PLAZA BUT ONLY SOMETIMES BUT I GUESS THAT IS ACCURATE D&D ALSO.  PS. THIS HAD SOME REGULAR OLD CGI, THE FAT DRAGON OR THE DISPLACER BEAST LOOKED FINE. BUT I WAS LOSING MY MIND ANY TIME THEY SHOWED THE HUMANOIDS WITH PRACTICAL COSTUMES, IT WAS SO FRIGGIN 90S DESIGNS. EVERY NONHUMAN WAS SO "GUY THAT WOULD BE ON FARSCAPE". HONESTLY THE WHOLE THING FEELS LIKE A HIGHER BUDGET 1990S FANTASY TV SHOW TYPE THING. LIKE IF XEN

 Everyone's a Aliebn When Ur a Aliebn Too [book,comic] THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU CAN TELL WAS SUPER PERSONAL TO THE PERSON WROTE IT, WHERE LIKE, THE BROAD GENERAL SENSE OF THE ALLEGORIES AREN'T ANYTHING TOO HARD TO FOLLOW (EVERYONE IS TOGETHER BECAUSE EVERYONE FEELS ALONE) AND IT'S MOSTLY JUST THE ALIEN LITTLE PRINCEING IT UP, BUT THEN LIKE, YOU CAN TELL SOME STUFF JUST MEANT SOMETHING TO THE AUTHOR SO THE GIVING TREE AND THE TOOTSIE POP OWL ARE THERE TOO.  PS. THE MISPELLING STUFF IS WEIRD IN THAT IT'S MOSTLY UNPRONOUNCABLE, SO IT'S NOT THAT THEY ARE TALKING BABYTALK, IT'S THAT THE ALIEN JUST WRITES BEATUFIUL AWL STYLE. 

 The Pez Outlaw [movie, nonfiction] THIS MOVIE DOES JUST AN ABSOLUTLEY AMAZING JOB MAKING THE MOST NOTHING STORY IMAGINABLE INTO A SUPER COMPELLING NARRATIVE. I FEEL LIKE THE WAY IT KEEPS SHOWING REINACTMENTS AND HOW THEY ARE ALL HYPER LITERAL TO WHATEVER THE PERSON IS SAYING HAPPENED IS GREAT. ALSO THE WHOLE WEIRD SIDE THING WHERE EVERYONE HATES THAT ONE GUY AND WON'T SAY WHY AND THEN HE HAS A SECRET TREE HOUSE THAT ALSO REMAINS A MYSTERY. I FEEL LIKE THE MOVIE COULD HAVE EXPLAINED HIM THEN JUST WENT "NO WAIT, THIS IS WAY BETTER". PS. THE FACT THEY ACTUALLY HIRED SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW HIM WAS THE BIGGEST PLOT TWIST IN MOVIE HISTORY AND I GASPED IRL

 Renfield [movie] OH MY GOD, THIS MOVIE RULES SO MUCH. I'M NOT SURE IT'S EVEN THAT GREAT, BUT IT RULES SO MUCH. HONESTLY THE FACT IT'S SO UNEVEN FEELS LIKE THE BIGGEST STRENGTH. LIKE THERE IS SO MANY SCENES WHERE THE JOKE THEY ARE GOING FOR IS FINE, IT'S NOT REALLY BAD, BUT THEN SUDDENLY SOMEONE WILL SAY SOMETHING THAT RATCHETS EVERYTHING UP A MILLION TIMES AND IT BLINDSIDED ME EVERY SINGLE TIME.  PS. IN MY MIND EVERYTHING RENFIELD RELATED IS RELATED TO THAT EARLY 90S SNL SKETCH WHERE DRACULA DIDN'T KNOW RENFIELD WAS GAY. I THINK WE HAD THAT EPISODE ON TAPE OR SOMETHING SO IT FEELS LIKE I WATCHED IT A MILLION TIMES AND CAN ONLY THINK OF PEOPLE SAYING "RENFIELD' IN AN EMBARRASSED EXASPERATED WAY AND THAT FEELS LIKE THIS MOVIE. 

Last Epoch [game] THIS GAME WAS PRETTY OKAY. BASICALLY A SOLD B GAME ARPG, KINDA IN THE TITAN QUEST RANGE. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND MAN IT HAD THE ABSOLUTE BEST IDEA FOR A SKILL TREE ANY GAME HAS EVER HAD. IT GAVE YOU A SKILL TREE THEN EVERY SKILL HAD A SKILL TREE AND EVERY NODE CHANGING THE SKILL WILDLY. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW THAT DROVE ME TO INCREASINGLY MAKE MY BUILD STUPIDER AND STUPIDER. LIKE I WAS TAKING SKILLS THAT MAKE YOU STRONG BUT TAKE DAMAGE CONTINOUSLY, THEN I MADE MY MAIN ATTACK LIFE DRAIN, THEN I WAS LIKE, MAKING THE LIFE DRAIN DO POISON, THEN I WAS MAKING POISON DO LIFE DRAIN AND THEN MADE LIFE DRAIN NOT DO LIFE DRAIN.  PS. I MEAN, IT'S A VIDEOGAME WITH A TIME TRAVEL PLOT SO A COUPLE CHRONO TRIGGER JOKES IS CUTE BUT THIS GAME HAD A REAL "YOU ARE MAKING THIS WEIRD NOW" AMOUNT OF CHRONO TRIGGER REFERENCES. 

 Batman: The Doom That Came to Gotham [movie] THIS LIKE, ALTERNATE BATMAN IN A 1930S LOVECRAFT STORY. I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE THIS MORE. IT SEEMED LIKE A COOL IDEA AT FIRST BUT JUST BECAME INSUFFERABLE BY HOW MUCH IT WANTED TO PLAY “WHAT WOULD THIS BATMAN THING BE, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE, WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE” WHERE IT JUST SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME GOING THROUGH WVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE BATMAN *THING* TO MAKE A LOVECRAFT STORY THING. MOST WEREN’T EVEN BAD, IT JUST HAD TOO MUCH.  PS. SOMETIMES I GO THROUGH LONG PERIODS OF TIME ITS TOO HARD TO WATCH A MOVIE OR TV SHOW AND ITS ALWAYS A BIG THING WHEN I GET MYSELF TO AND ITS ALWAYS THIS WEIRD THING WHERE ITS NEVER SOMETHING TO LIKE, BE PROUD ABOUT 

 How Fish is Made [game,amazing] THIS GAME IS LIKE... ART? I FEEL LIKE I AM SAYING THAT IRONICALLY IN THAT IT IS A NONSENSICAL 10 MINUTE LONG GAME WITH A 5 MINUTE MUSICAL NUMBER WITH A BUNCH OF GROSS PICTURES OF PARASITES AND ROTTING MEAT. BUT THEN IT ALSO FEELS LIKE IT'S LEGITIMATELY ART, BECAUSE THE WHOLE ACTUAL PREMISE FEELS LIKE THIS POWERFUL METAPHOR BUT IT'S SO HARD TO PIN DOWN EXACTLY WHAT OF. RELIGION? FREE WILL? LIFE IN GENERAL?  PS. DOWN