Capital Reviews

 Sweet Movie [movie] MAN, WHAT A LET DOWN. THIS IS ALWAYS ON THE LISTS OF WEIRD ARTSY MOVIES THAT I LIKE SO I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO WATCH IT FOR A WHILE, BUT IT KINDA JUST SUCKED. THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OR SO HAD A TONE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN DEATH RACE AND HOLY MOUNTAIN AND WERE SETTING IT UP LIKE I'D LOVE THIS MOVIE THEN THE PLOTS CONVERGE TO THIS GROSS OUT ORGY SCENE AND NEVER GETS BACK TO THE STORY. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT I WAS OFFENDED BY IT OR ANYTHING, BUT LIKE THERE IS A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF SOMEONE PUKING AND IT JUST GOES ON FOREVER AND NONE OF IT EVER GETS BACK TO ANYTHING INTERESTING.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS HAD PARTS THAT FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR WATCHING BUT IT'S A CRITERION COLLECTION FILM SO I GUESS IT'S FINE? I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SAID EXACT SENTENCE SEVERAL TIMES, SO I THINK MAYBE THE CRITERION COLLECTION NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL? 

Astrologaster [game] THIS GAME IS PRETTY CUTE. I MEAN, IT'S A MUSICAL AND THAT IS RARE FOR A GAME, AND THE VOICE ACTING AND WRITING IS GOOD AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT IT'S ALL BASED ON REAL PEOPLE. ALSO IT'S LIKE FOUR HOURS LONG AND THAT IS A GOOD LENGTH. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND .... DID... THEY TAKE OUT THE GAME MECHANICS? WAS IT JUST NOT FUN TO DO WHATEVER ASTROLOGY MINIGAME THEY THOUGHT UP? SO THEY TOOK IT OUT? IT FEELS SO CLEARLY LIKE THERE WAS MEANT TO BE SOME GAMEPLAY THERE. IT JUST FEELS LIKE YOU ARE PICKING DIALOG OPTIONS BUT WITH A WEIRD MENU. LIKE THERE IS A FEW THAT YOU NEED BASIC HISTORICAL OR MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE TO ANSWER BUT LIKE 90% OF THEM THE DESCRIPTION JUST TELLS YOU WHAT TO PICK

 I Care a Lot [movie] I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A WELL MADE MOVIE THAT WAS GOOD THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT HAVE THE STOMACH TO WATCH RIGHT NOW. EVERYONE IS JUST SO AWFUL IT STRESSED ME OUT TERRIBLY. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THOSE STORIES WHERE YOU DON'T LIKE ANYONE BUT MAN, I DIDN'T LIKE ANYONE.  PS. ACCURATE MOVIE ABOUT THE LIFE OF JENNY PETERS(ON)

 Cat-Women of the Moon [movie] THIS IS JUST SUCH AN EXTREMELY 1950S MOVIE. IT GOT PRETTY BORING BUT THEM LAYING ON COUCHES GRIMACING WAS EXTREMELY FUNNY ACTING. ALSO THE VERY ZOIDBERG CONCEPT THAT THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON WOULD BE SO POOR HE'D BE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SCAM UP LITTLE BITS OF MONEY SELLING MOTOR OIL IS FUNNY.  PS. THIS MOVIE CONTAINS NO CAT WOMEN. ZERO STARS. 

 The Map of Tiny Perfect Things [movie] THIS WASN'T THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE OR ANYTHING BUT I'M SUPRISED HOW MUCH I ENJOYED THIS MOVIE. IT WAS JUST GENERALLY CUTE. I KINDA FEEL LIKE THE 'ALL THE PERFECT THINGS' AND THE NOT WANTING TO MOVE ON MESSAGES FELT TOTALLY OUT OF SYNC LIKE SOMEONE WROTE THEM SEPARATELY. BUT IT'S FINE.  PS. I THINK I LIKE THAT THEY BOTH DO COUPLES THINGS IN GROUND HOG DAY GENIUS MODE WHICH MEANS THEY PRACTICED FOR YEARS TOGETHER, BUT ALSO DO GROUND HOG DAY TYPE STUFF FOR EACHOTHER THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE STARTED AFTER THEY MET,  LIKE DID THEY DATE FOR LIKE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND JUST HAD "NAH, SEE YOU IN 400 YEARS" SEPARATE FROM THE FIGHT WHERE HE HAD TIME TO SET UP A WHOLE PREPLANNED BOTTLE TOSS TO UNLOCK A DOOR FOR HER? 

 Spiritfairer [game] THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S A GAME ABOUT DEATH AND YOU ARE DOING A BUNCH OF WEIRD BOAT FARMING STARDEW STUFF WHILE BRINGING SPIRITS TO THE NEXT LIFE AND IT'S NEAT BECAUSE THERE IS A WAY EVERYONE WOULD WRITE A STORY LIKE THIS AND IT JUST DOESN'T DO THAT. LIKE IT'D BE SO EASY FOR EACH SPIRIT TO HAVE A PROBLEM, THEN YOU WORK THROUGH IT AND THEN THEY MOVE ON, BUT THERE IS VERY FEW YOU ACTUALLY 'HELP', A BUNCH OF THE DEATHS ARE FAIRLY SUDDEN OR MEANINGLESS, A LOT OF THE CHARACTERS DON'T REALLY CHANGE OR LEARN ANYTHING. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WEAKNESS IN STORY TELLING BUT IT'S NOT. MOSTLY THE QUESTS HAVE YOU LEARN AND UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS WITHOUT FIXING THEM OR MAKING DEATH SEEM LIKE IT WAS ALWAYS SOME CULMINATION TO A STORY ARC. IT'S REALLY WELL DONE.  PS. AT ANY TIME IN THE ENTIRE GAME THERE IS A BUTTON YOU CAN PRESS TO HUG A CAT. 

 Ben & Arthur [movie] YEAH, THIS MOVIE IS GREAT. I WON'T SAY IT'S QUITE UP TO THE ROOM OR ANYTHING BREEN BUT GOD, IT'S CLOSE. IT'S GOT HUGE BAD MOVIE ENERGY. IT'S JUST WONDERFUL. I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY REASON IT DIDN'T GET MORE TRACTION IN THE BAD MOVIE SPHERE IS THAT IT'S A PRO MARRIAGE EQUALITY MOVIE FROM LIKE 2002 SO YOU KINDA FEEL BAD FOR THE DIRECTOR BECAUSE IT REALLY WASN'T FAIR. BUT THIS MOVIE IS JUST UNRELENTLY CRAZY, ESPECIALLY AS IT GOES TOTALLY OFF THE RAILS AT THE END.  PS. I CAN NOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LAUGHED AT THE CHURCH OR AT THE PART HE MAKES A PHONE NOISE WITH HIS MOUTH BEFORE THEY DUBBED IN THE PHONE NOISE OR WHEN BEN PUNCHED HIM, OR THE ANTIGAY POTION, OR EVERYTHING BEING IN AGRESSIVELY INCORRECT BOTTLES. I SAY I LAUGH AT THINGS ONLINE AND I MEAN I SNORTED A LITTLE AIR OR SOMETHING, IN THIS I REALLY WAS ABSOLUTELY CRACKING UP. JESUS CHRIST THIS MOVIE. 

  Digimon Adventure: Last Evolution Kizuna [anime, movie] TARSHA DIED 9 YEARS AND A FEW DAYS AGO, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS THAT MADE ME REMEMBER THIS WAS COMING OUT, THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY DIGIMON MOVIE THING. DIGIMON TRI WAS FINE, BUT WAS ULTIMATELY NOTHING, BUT BETWEEN WHY I WATCHED THIS AND THE THEMES OF IT WATCHING THIS ABSOLUTELY WRECKED ME. JESUS CHRIST. BRINGING BACK THE DIGIMON CLASSIC OF "THE BAD GUY JUST CRYING WHILE THEY PUNCH IT" AND JUST BRUTAL THEMES OF DEATH AND LOSS AND ADULTHOOD. ALSO KEN WAS IN AMERICA NOW, WHICH LIKE, TARSHA WOULD HAVE BEEN WAY INTO? HA PS. DIGIMON TRI TRIED TO BE SUPER EDGY BUT KEPT SHOWING SAD SHOTS OF SOMEONE KILLING A STREET AND IT WAS SO LAME. THIS DIDN'T TRY TO BE EDGY AT ALL BUT TK HAS A PORN COLLECTION AND THEY ALL DRINK BEER AND SOMEONE JUST HAS AN ACTUAL REAL GUN AT ONE POINT. 

The Platform [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S SO STUPIDLY OVER THE TOP ABOUT BEING A METAPHOR. LIKE THE ENTIRE SET UP IS THE MOST BLATANT METAPHOR IN THE HISTORY OF FICTION, THEN IT MAKES IT SUPER CONFUSING WHAT ACTUALLY ANY OF THE SPECIFIC ACTIONS ANYONE IS DOING IS. IS THE DOG A METAPHOR? IS THE KNIFE A METAPHOR? IS THE ACTRESS A METAPHOR?  PS. OBVIOUSLY 

 Space Sweepers [movie] I DON'T KNOW, THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD. I LOVE HOW MUCH IT FELT LIKE THEY MEANT TO MAKE A CARTOON AND EVERY SINGLE SCENE FELT LIKE IT WAS STORYBOARDED LIKE IT WAS ANIMATION, EVEN DOWN TO THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND OUTFITS PEOPLE WORE AND THE WAYS THEY MOVED. LIKE THEY MEANT TO MAKE A CARTOON AND MADE A WHOLE LIFE ACTION MOVIE INSTEAD AND IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.  PS. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW HOW SPACE DOLLARS WORK. I FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME THEY GAVE THE PRICE OF ANYTHING IT WAS ON A WILDLY DIFFERENT SCALE. I FEEL LIKE THEY KEPT SAYING PRICES JUST TO BUG ME. 

 All My Friends are Dead [movie] THIS MOVIE ISN'T VERY GOOD OR FUNNY, ALSO IT'S DUBBED AND THE DUB IS TERRIBLE WHICH MAKES IT WORSE. THE ONLY PART I LIKED WAS THAT ONE OF THE GUYS LOOKED A LITTLE LIKE JUSTIN MCELROY.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS ANOTHER VERSION OF THIS SCRIPT WHERE THIS WAS JUST TRYING TO BE THE 'DARKEST TIMELINE' EPISODE OF COMMUNITY BUT IT WAS TOO HARD TO WRITE OR SOMETHING AND SO THEY DIDN'T (I GUESS THEY DID IN THE END, BUT IT FEELS LIKE EVEN HAVING THE PIZZA GUY FELT LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW A BUTTERFLY EFFECT SLIDING DOORS THING THEN JUST FORGOT TO) 

 The Ying-Yang Master [movie] THIS IS A MOVIE THAT IS VERY NOT MADE FOR WESTERN AUDIENCES THAT ABSOLUTELY ASSUMED YOU KNEW ALL THESE MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTERS BUT IT WAS BLOWING UP LIKE CRAZY AND I COULDN'T TELL WHY. WATCHING IT I COULD EASILY TELL WHY: IT IS THE MOST HOMOEROTIC MOVIE EVER MADE. I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SUBTEXT OR IF THAT WAS JUST THE PLOT.  PS. THE SNAKE BATTLE WAS VERY CLEARLY THE "NANOBOTS SON" SCENE FROM METAL GEAR REVENGENCE FOR SOME REASON? HE EVEN HAD THE WEIRD JAW. 

 Horse Destroys the Universe [book] I AM SHOCKED HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS BOOK. REMEMBER CYRIAK? THE GUY THAT MADE WEIRD GIFS IN LIKE 2007? HE WROTE A SCIFI BOOK ABOUT A HORSE AND IT'S SHOCKINGLY GOOD. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT HAS ALL THE SAME ELEMENTS AS THE GIFS, BUT IN STORY FORM. LIKE EVERY GIF OR VIDEO WAS ALWAYS LIKE, A SIMPLE ANIMAL OR SOMETHING DOING A REPEATED MOTION THEN IT GROWING IN COMPLEXITY EXPONENTIALLY THEN A SERIES OF GLITCHES OR COPYING ERRORS MAKING IT GROW GROTESQUESLY OUT OF CONTROL. AND LIKE, THAT IS WHAT THIS BOOK IS, IT'S THE BOOK VERSION OF LIKE A 45 SECOND GIF AND IT'S ACTUALLY GREAT.  PS. GOD, THE SECOND I READ THE CONCEPT OF 'DESTINY'S DESTINATION' I BECAME INSTANTLY ENRAGED BECAUSE OF HOW OBVIOUS THAT IS GOING TO BE A REAL THING. GOD, IT WILL BE A REAL THING WITHIN TEN YEARS I BET. IT BEING PART OF THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A REAL THING. I'M SO ANGRY AT HOW NOT, GOOD, BUT OBVIOUSLY SUCCESSFUL AN IDEA IT IS. 

 The Banana Splits Movie [movie] NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS PARTICULARLY GOOD AND IT JUST WASN'T MUCH OF ANYTHING, BUT THE FACT IT EXISTS IS SO INCREDIBLY FUNNY IT IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT BEING NOT GREAT. LIKE CLEARLY THEY WANTED TO MAKE A FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S KNOCKOFF BUT INSTEAD OF BEING GENERIC ABOUT IT THEY JUST ABSOLUTELY SWUNG FOR THE FENCES AND FIGURED OUT THE MOST HILARIOUS POSSIBLE WAY TO DO THAT. LIKE, THEY DIDN'T MAKE A GOOD MOVIE, BUT THEY MADE A MOVIE THAT IS EXTREMELY FUNNY TO EXIST.  PS. THE SAD PART THOUGH IS THAT THEY HAD A WILLY WONKA TYPE SETUP THAT SEEMED PRETTY SOLID. THEY JUST DIDN'T REALLY FOLLOW THROUGH ANY. THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT MOVIE BUT IT WASN'T TERRIBLE AND ALMOST FELT LIKE IT WAS HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION TO BE ALRIGHT. HOOTS WAS A REAL COOL CONCEPT TOO, ALTHOUGH CLEARLY THE HOPE FOR A SEQUEL TO DO THAT. (AND ALSO IT IS CLEARLY SOME FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY TYPE THING)  

 My Entire High School Sinking Into the Sea [movie] I WAS REALLY NOT LIKING THIS MOVIE AT ALL FOR THE FIRST HALF, BUT BY THE END IT TURNED AROUND AND WASN'T SO BAD. IT WAS ANIMATED LIKE A READING RAINBOW BOOK AND THAT IS A UNIQUE STYLE OF ANIMATION AT LEAST (UNIQUE BECAUSE IT'S BAD).  PS. I ACTUALLY WATCHED A RANDOM MOVIE TO TRY AND DO A GAG WHERE I REVIEW 'MY LITTLE GOAT' INSTEAD BECAUSE IT'S ONLY 9 MINUTES LONG AND I FELT WEIRD DOING A CAPITAL REVIEW FOR A SHORT, SO HERE IS MY REVIEW OF MY LITTLE GOAT: IT'S REALLY VERY DISTURBING. PS^2 THE GOAT MOM LOOKED LIKE TORIAL AND ALSO TORIAL WOULD DO THAT. 

 Borderlands [game] I HAVE PLAYED EVERY BORDERLANDS GAME, AND ALMOST ALL THE DLC. EVEN THE WEIRD SIDE ONES NO ONE PLAYS. IT'S THIS WEIRD POSITION WHERE I DON'T EVEN LIKE BORDERLANDS *THAT* MUCH, BUT IT'S JUST GOOD ENOUGH I END UP PLAYING EVERY SINGLE ONE AT SOME POINT. IT'S FINE, THEY ARE ALL FINE. I THINK I JUST UNIVERSALLY LIKE LOOT GAMES ENOUGH TO PLAY ANY OF THEM.  PS. THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT BORDERLANDS IS THAT THE CHARACTERS YOU PLAY NEVER HAS ANY STORY OF ANY SORT UNTIL THE NEXT GAME WHERE THEY GET TO BE THE NEW MAIN CHARACTER. LIKE BOY DID AMARA SEEM LIKE THEY SHOULD BE INVOLVED IN THE PLOT SOMEWHERE, BUT I'M SURE NEXT GAME THEY WILL BE VITAL TO THE PLOT.