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Showing posts from March, 2018

Ready Player One [movie]

THIS IS STILL A PRETTY FORGETTABLE ACTION MOVIE BUT IT'S INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE BOOK. I THINK LARGELY BECAUSE MOVIES ARE VISUAL SO YOU CAN HAVE A BOMB BE A MAD BALL AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW IN YOUR OWN BRAIN "OH, IT'S A MAD BALL" AND NOT HAVE TEXT ON THE PAGE SAYING "ALSO IT WAS A MAD BALL" WHICH IS NIGHTMARE WRITING. ALSO THEY MADE HALLOWAY SAD AND LONELY INSTEAD OF THE COOLEST GUY EVER AND CHANGED EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE TO ACTUALLY REQUIRE DOING SOMETHING BEYOND JUST RECITING SOME 1980S POP CULTURE. ALSO I LIKE I-ROK, BECAUSE HE WAS REASONABLY FUNNY BUT MORE BECAUSE IT ADDED IN THE BIGGEST THING THE BOOK WAS MISSING: LITERALLY ANY INDICATION ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WAS A NORMAL PERSON THAT REMEMBERED THEY WERE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.   PS. THEY REPLACED THE PART WITH AN EVANGELION WITH A GUNDAM AND I'M DISAPPOINTED BUT THAT WAS A REASONABLE EFFORT

Clown [movie]

THIS IS NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS STITCHES, IT TRIES FOR BODY HORROR BUT IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. LIKE IT'S NOT FUNNY ENOUGH TO BE A COMEDY BUT IT'S NOT SCARY ENOUGH TO BE HORROR. I THINK THE POINT THAT ILLUSTRATES THAT BEST IS THAT A DOG IS SLOWLY BEING TRANSFORMED INTO A CLOWN DEMON AND LIKE, IT'S JUST NOTHING, IT'S JUST A CGI MEAN DOG. THEY DIDN'T GO FOR MAKING THE REVEAL A JOKE WHERE IT'S GOT A SILLY CLOWN COSTUME BUT THEY ALSO DON'T GO FOR SOME TRUE HORROR OF CLOWNS THING WHERE IT'S SOME HORRIBLE ALBINO MUTANT. THEY JUST DIDN'T TRY.   PS. HOW DID THEY ROPE CHUCKIE CHEESE INTO LETTING THEM FILM THERE? THEY MENTION IT BY NAMES MULTIPLE TIMES SO THEY MUST HAVE HAD A DEAL WITH THEM.

All the Birds in the Sky [book]

MAN, THIS BOOK IS SO CLOSE TO BEING GREAT BUT IT JUST ISN'T. IT JUST HAS ZERO ATTENTION SPAN AND KEPT FLITTING AWAY FROM EVERY INTERESTING SITUATION IT SET UP. AND LIKE, I THINK THE GOAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SNAPSHOTS OF TWO PEOPLE'S LIVES INTERTWINING OVER A LONG TIME BUT IT JUST MOSTLY FELT OVERLY SLOPPY AND SLAPDASH. LIKE JUST STICK WITH A CONCEPT FOR MORE THAN A CHAPTER, WILL YA! WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING A METAL GEAR AT THE END? P.S IT'S WEIRD THAT THIS MOSTLY FELT LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOUNG ADULT FICTION EXCEPT FOR THE PART A WOMAN WEARS A SEXOSKELETON TO VIBRATE HER CLITORIS AND THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PROSTATE

Pacific Rim Uprising [movie]

UGG, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE BUT IT WAS SO FORGETTABLE. THE FIRST MOVIE FELT LIKE IT WAS DEEPLY AND PROFOUNDLY STUPID BUT PLAYED IT SO STRAIGHT AND WAS SO SURE OF ITSELF BEING COOL THAT IT KINDA MADE IT SEEM COOL, THIS MOVIE HAD STUFF THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN COOL BUT THE MOVIE FELT LIKE IT HAD TO KEEP REMINDING EVERYONE HOW STUPID IT WAS UNTIL EVERYTHING JUST SEEMED STUPID. EVERY PART FELT LIKE SOME UNIMPORTANT SCENE SETTING UP THE REAL MOVIE UNTIL THE END CREDITS PLAYED AND IT TURNED OUT NOTHING HAPPENED AND HALF KAIJU/HALF JAGER PRODUCTION MODELS WAS ACTUALLY MADE BORING SOMEHOW.   PS. THANKS FOR THE YEARS OLD INTERNET MEMES MOVIE, TOTALLY THAT IS WHAT THIS MOVIE NEEDED IN THE BIG SCENE.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle [movie]

LIKE, THIS ISN'T THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE OR ANYTHING BUT IT IS ALMOST MIND BOGGLING HOW GOOD IT IS COMPARED TO HOW BAD EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT OF WHAT THIS MOVIE IS MAKES IT SOUND LIKE IT WOULD BE. PS. HEY MARTHA! COME LOOK AT MY PENIS!

Kino's Journey -the Beautiful World- [anime]

EVEN IN 2003 IT'S PRETTY PREDICTABLE THAT A STORY ABOUT SOMEONE THAT JUST VISITS A BUNCH OF COUNTRIES AND ONLY STAYS FOR 3 DAYS AT EACH IS CLEARLY GONNA RESONATE WITH ME. SO OF COURSE A NEW ONE NOW IS GOING TO BE JUST MY THING. I LOVE HOW LITTLE PRINCE THE STORIES ARE. LIKE NONE OF THE PLACES EVEN TRY TO BE ANYTHING BUT LITTLE SELF CONTAINED PARABLES. BUT I ALSO LOVE HOW COMPLEX THE ACTUAL MESSAGES ARE. LIKE A MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRIES THE LESSON IS BASICALLY "THIS IS VERY BAD, BUT ALSO SORT OF GOOD?" AND I REALLY LIKE THAT.  THE BOTHERSOME COUNTRY, THE SHIP COUNTRY AND THE KIND COUNTRY WERE ESPECIALLY THAT (THE LIAR'S COUNTRY TOO I THINK BUT I FEEL LIKE I DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED). I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE COUNTRY OF SHEEP WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.   PS. I LIKE HOW FEW EPISODES EVEN HAD KINO AS THE MAIN CHARACTER.

Wonder [movie]

I THINK I KINDA HATE THIS MOVIE. I THINK A LOT OF IT IS THAT IT WAS A BOOK AND THEY CONDENSED STORIES BUT THE WAY THE CONDENSED THEM MADE EVERYONE HORRIBLE.  LIKE FUCK MANDA I GUESS? LIKE HER WHOLE STORY IS HER WHOLE LIFE FALLING APART AND THE ONLY LESSON SHE GETS AT THE END IS SHE NEEDS TO PUT HERSELF EVEN MORE SECONDARY TO VIA. AND LIKE MAYBE AUGUST STILL IS FRIENDS WITH SUMMER AFTER THE POINT SUMMER NEVER SHOWS UP AGAIN BUT NOT LIKE THE MOVIE SHOWS THAT.       PS. THE CHEWBACCA STUFF WAS NOTHING BUT THE DARTH SIDIOUS CAMEO WAS WEIRDLY FUNNY.  

Your Name [anime, movie]

I LOVE HOW MUCH THE PLOT IDEA OF THIS IS LIKE THE MOST WORST 1980S ANIME CONCEPT BUT TAKEN AS LIKE A VERY SERIOUS AND EMOTIONAL STORY CONCEPT INSTEAD OF A BAD AND LAME SEX COMEDY. THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD!   PS. I LIKE HOW DOWN FOR THE STUPID EVACUATION PLAN EVERY SINGLE PERSON WAS AND I LIKE THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT EXISTED IN THIS MOVIE HAD A CRUSH ON BOTH THE CHARACTERS, GAY OR STRAIGHT OR WHATEVER AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN PLAY IT AS A JOKE.

Into The Breach [game]

IT'S WEIRD. THIS GAME IS GREAT. THE ENCOUNTER TO ENCOUNTER GAMEPLAY IS THE MOST AMAZING THING IN YEARS AND I HOPE IT SPAWNS AN ENTIRE NEW GENRE IT'S SO FUN, BUT I WANTED TO SAY THAT THE RUN TO RUN GAMEPLAY FEELS MORE STATIC THAN FTL, AND IT FEELS WITH ALL THE RANDOM NONSENSE AND CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE STUFF FTL WAS A GAME YOU COULD PLAY FOREVER WHILE THIS GAME HAS AMAZING BATTLES BUT ALREADY I'VE GOT EVERY SINGLE ACHIEVEMENT AND BEAT THE GAME WITH EVERY SINGLE TEAM. BUT LIKE, I ONLY PLAYED 27 HOURS OF FTL EVER ORIGINAL+EXPANSION, I PLAYED 50 HOURS OF THIS IN A WEEK, SO MAYBE THIS IS THE GAME I ACTUALLY WANTED TO PLAY MORE OF. I WOULD NEVER EVER GET EVERY ACHIEVEMENT IN FTL.     PS. SPEAKING OF FTL, IT'S FUNNY THAT BECAUSE EVERYONE HATED THE LAST BOSS OF THAT GAME AND THOUGHT IT WAS TOO HARD AND TOO DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF THE GAME THIS GAME HAS THE MOST BLAND POSSIBLE LAST LEVEL. THE WHOLE GAME IS GREAT AND SO THE LAST LEVEL IS GREAT, BUT LIKE, ONLY IN THAT I

Stitches [movie]

THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE BECAUSE IT IS VERY CLOSE TO BEING A PERFECT RECREATION OF AN EIGHTYS TROMA FILM BUT BRITISH. PS. HOLY CRAP. I LOOKED IT UP. BRITISH CLOWN EGGS IS A REAL THING IN THE REAL WORLD NOT JUST A WEIRD THING THIS MOVIE INVENTED. JESUS

Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond [movie, nonfiction]

THIS IS HILARIOUSLY MUCH A BETTER MOVIE THAN THE ACTUAL MOVIE. LIKE EVEN THE INTERVIEWS AND THE NARRATION SEEMED UNNECESSARY, I JUST WANTED TO WATCH THE RAW FOOTAGE OF JIM BEING A WEIRD DICK ON SET NONSTOP, IT WAS CAPTIVATINGLY ANNOYING. PS. THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS MOVIE IS "JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND – FEATURING A VERY SPECIAL, CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED MENTION OF TONY CLIFTON" BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY FIT IN THE TITLE BAR OF THIS BLOG.

coco [movie]

THE WAY YOU CAN TELL THIS WAS A WELL WRITTEN MOVIE IS THAT THEY HAD A DOG IN A SKELETON WORLD AND NEVER HAD A SCENE WHERE THE DOG STOLE SOMEONE'S LEG OR SOMETHING. ON THE OTHER HAND, "OH NO, I'M SLOWLY TRANSFORMING AND THAT PUTS A TIME LIMIT OF MY ADVENTURE, LET ME LOOK AT MY OUTSTRETCHED HAND TO VERIFY THAT" IS SUCH A STANDARD TROPE THAT EVERYTHING USES BUT GEEZ DOING IT WITH A SKELETON HAND THING IS SO UNINTENTIONALLY GRUESOME IT MADE ME SHIVER A LITTLE. GROSS!   PS. I FEEL LIKE MAKING THE GATE TO THE AFTERLIFE A US BORDER CHECKPOINT (BUT A FANTASY ONE WHERE EVERYONE IS SUPER NICE) WAS WEIRD, LIKE, NO OTHER PART OF THE MOVIE WAS LIKE THAT.

Aegis Defenders [game]

MAN, I REALLY WANTED TO LIKE THIS GAME.  I JUST REALLY WANTED IT TO BE BETTER. BUT IT REALLY JUST FELT LIKE EVERY TIME I DIED OR SOMETHING IT WAS ALWAYS SOME DASH GLITCHING OR DIAGONAL SHOOTING NOT BEING CONSISTENT OR SOME ENEMY REBOUNDING ON TO SOME OTHER LEVEL OR SOMETHING DUMB LIKE THAT, IT KEPT FEELING LIKE A GAME THAT NEEDED TO BE PRECISE AND LET YOU PLAN AHEAD BUT THEN CONSTANTLY WAS A GAME WHERE EVERYTHING WAS SUPER LOOSEY GOOSEY IN A FRUSTRATING WAY.   PS. ALSO MAN, THE STORY. THE INITIAL SETUP OF THE WORLD WAS SUPER AMAZING THEN THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THE GAME IS KINDA JUST NOTHING. MAN!