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Showing posts from July, 2017

The Buried Giant [audiobook]

I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK. IT'S A BUNCH OF ELEMENTS I HATE IN BOOKS LIKE FANTASY AND DRAGONS AND KNIGHTS BUT I STILL LIKE IT A LOT. I THINK I LIKE BOOKS WHERE EVERYONE IS GENERALLY NICE TO EACH OTHER AND EVERYONE IS VERY POLITE EVEN WHEN THEY KILL EACH OTHER. I THINK I LIKE CONFLICT IN STORIES BUT NOT *CONFLICT*. ALSO, GEEZ, THAT ENDING. GEEZ.   PS. I IMAGINED THE COUPLE AS BEING THE COUPLE FROM WHEN THE WIND BLOWS BECAUSE I SAID THAT THEY WERE WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THIS BOOK EXISTS.

Split [movie]

AS THIS GOT DUMBER AND MORE SUPERNATURAL I JUST ASSUMED THAT MAIN GIRL WAS GOING TO BE THE ACTUAL TWIST AND IT ALL BEING SOME TYLER DURDEN THING BUT NOPE. I GUESS WE JUST NEEDED HER WEIRD UNCLE RAPE BACKSTORY JUST FOR FUN.      PS. THE ACTUAL TWIST THOUGH! TO WHAT END!

Beauty and the Beast [movie]

THE PART THAT MADE THIS MOVIE WEIRD WAS HOW THE BEAST LOOKED LIKE MIDDLE AGED DAD BOD ASGORE TRYING TO DATE LITTLE HERMIONE. THE GOLD CEILING THINGS THAT TURNED INTO DRESS ACCENTS WERE WEIRD. LIKE DID SOME PEOPLE IN THE CASTLE TURN INTO GOLD NABOBOTS? PS. LIKE, WHAT IS BEAST EVEN PRINCE OF? FRANCE?

Let's Be Evil [movie]

THIS MOVIE WAS ONE OF THOSE LOW BUDGET MOVIES THAT HAD A GOOD IDEA BUT DIDN'T REALLY DO MUCH WITH IT. LIKE I GET THE CONCEPT OF "WOULDN'T IT BE SCARY IF YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH REAL WORLD THREATS WHILE HAVING TO LOOK THROUGH UNRELIABLE EYES" BUT LIKE, THE WHOLE MOVIE IS CONSTANTLY PEOPLE FORGETTING TO JUST TAKE OFF THE GLASSES WHEN THERE IS LIGHT AND NEVER EVER THINKING TO CHECK IF THINGS ARE REAL NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY AREN'T REAL. SAME WITH HACKING THINGS, THE KIDS HACK EVERYTHING THEN THE ADULTS ACT SHOCKED EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING IS HACKED.   PS. ALSO THE MURDER KIDS ARE LIKE 7, THEY NEVER JUST TRY PUNCHING THEM IN THE FACE.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets [movie]

THIS REALLY IS LIKE THEY TRIED TO MAKE A SPIRITUAL SEQUEL TO THE 5TH ELEMENT BUT DECIDED TO MAKE EVERY ASPECT OF IT AS DUMB AS POSSIBLE AND ALSO HAVE EVERYONE TALK LIKE THEY WERE ACTORS IN A PLAY. I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE I DISLIKE THIS BAD MOVIE. IT'S NOT EVEN SO BAD IT'S GOOD, IT'S JUST REGULAR BAD BUT SOMEHOW STILL LIKEABLE?   PS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD MASS EFFECT MOVIE.

War for the Planet of the Apes [movie]

THIS MOVIE IS EXTREMELY GOOD AND IS ALSO EXACTLY THE MOVIE 28 DAYS LATER. BUT GOD THIS WAS A GRIM MOVIE, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE STORIES WHERE THE WORST POSSIBLE THING IS HAPPENING AT ALL TIMES TO EVERY CHARACTER. ALSO A WEIRD EXTENDED ORIGIN STORY FOR THE NAME OF A CHARACTER FROM THE ORIGINAL 60S MOVIE THAT ABSOLUTELY DID NOT IN ANY WAY NEED AN ORIGIN STORY.   PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE WAS HOW THEY PRETENDED THE TRAITOR APES WERE CALLED DONKEYS BECAUSE THEY WERE HUMAN'S BEASTS OF BURDENS OR SOMETHING BUT THE HUMANS ALSO CALLED THEIR ENEMY APES "KING KONGS" AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT KIND OF KONGS THAT MAKES THEIR DONKEYS.

The Fall [game]

IT'S WEIRD, THIS IS AN ADVENTURE GAME WITH LIGHT ACTION ELEMENTS, THE ACTION PARTS ARE TERRIBLE, THE ADVENTURE GAME SIDE IS GENERIC AND EVERY TWIST IS SO PREDICTABLE. LIKE I THINK I LIKE THE WAY IT WROTE ROBOTS. LIKE EVERY SINGLE ROBOT WAS BREAKING IT'S PROGRAMMING WITHOUT ANY OF THEM ACTUALLY BREAKING PROGRAMMING. PS. I THINK I LIKE EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF MEDIA WITH 'FALL" IN THE TITLE?

Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number [game]

I ACTUALLY HATE THIS GAME. THE FIRST GAME WAS GREAT AND THIS TOOK THAT BUT MADE THE LEVELS BIGGER AND LONGER AND MORE GUN FOCUSED. THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN OKAY PLAN BUT BOY WAS IT NOT. THERE IS A LOT OF BULLSHIT YOU CAN DO IN A GAME WHERE ALL THE LEVELS ARE 1 MINUTE LONG YOU CAN'T DO IN A GAME THE LEVELS ARE 10 MINUTES LONG. SO THIS GAME WAS A LOT OF SLOWLY WALKING THROUGH A LEVEL FOR 9 MINUTES THEN GETTING SHOT FROM BEYOND CAMERA RANGE BY AN ENEMY THAT RANDOM NUMBER GENERATED TO GO OFF IT'S PATH. ALSO THE GAME STARTED WITH YOU PRESSING A BUTTON TO RAPE A LADY? YUCK.   PS. THE SOUND TRACK WAS REALLY GOOD AT LEAST.

Cars 3 [movie]

THIS FELT LIKE SUCH A MUDDLED MOVIE. LIKE IT KEPT HAVING MORALS THAT FELT UNRELATED TO THE NARRATIVE. LIKE THE PLOT WAS ABOUT MILLENIALS AND THEIR DUMB TECHNOLOGY AND NOT KNOWING HOW TO DRIVE ON SAND UNTIL GRANDPA TEACHES THEM LIFE ISNT VIDEOGAMES. BUT THEN LIKE THE RESOLUTION WAS SOMETHING ABOUT ANTI TRAINER RACISM(?) THAT WAS CODED SEXISM? PS. THIS MOVIE CONTAINED A LOT OF DEAD PEOPLE SPEAKING IN STOCK FOOTAGE.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl [comic, amazing]

I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS. IT'S RYAN NORTH AND IT'S GOT THE SAME VOICE AS EVERY SINGLE OTHER RYAN NORTH THING EVER BUT THAT IS OKAY BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE RYAN NORTH. THIS IS FUNNY AND WELL WRITTEN AND HAS AMAZING ART AND EVERYTHING IS BASICALLY PERFECT. I GUESS I KINDA DIDN'T LIKE ANY OF THE SIDE CHARACTERS EXCEPT NANCY (AND MEW). ALSO SINCE I WON'T WRITE CAPITAL REVIEWS FOR THINGS TILL I FINISH THEM PRETEND THIS IS FOR THE FIRST RUN OF 8 ISSUES AND NOT THE SECOND ISSUE 1 RUN THAT CAME OUT THE SAME YEAR AS THE FIRST ISSUE NUMBER 1 BECAUSE COMICS ARE STUPID. ALSO DON'T MENTION THAT SQUIRREL GIRL FITS THE CLAIM THE PERFECT GIRL IS "MAXIMUM TAIL, MINIMUM BREASTS" BECAUSE THAT WAS A JOKE AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT.    PS. I FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE SERIES IS A WEIRD SWALLOWED JOKE WHERE THE WHOLE REASON SHE'S IN COLLEGE TAKING COMPUTER SCIENCE CLASSES AND CONSTANTLY SHOWN SPECIFICALLY TAKING DATABASE CLASSES IS SO SHE CAN BE "SQL GIRL" WHERE

Spiderman: Homecoming [movie]

I THINK THIS WAS AS GOOD AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN AS THE 38TH SPIDERMAN TO COME OUT IN THE LAST DECADE OR WHATEVER THIS IS. I LIKE THE FACT THAT THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE DOESN'T REALLY HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANCE TO ANYTHING AND IS JUST A REFERENCE TO HIM GOING TO A HOMECOMING DANCE AT ONE POINT. THIS MOVIE HAS THE BEST WRITTEN MARY JANE OF ANY OF THE 186 SPIDERMAN MOVIES.     PS. JESUS CHRIST I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN WHY BUT "DO A FLIP SPIDERMAN' HAD ME LAUGHING SO HARD I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO DIE. IT'S NOT EVEN A FUNNY JOKE. IT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT THAT SPECIFIC LINE THAT WAS SO HILARIOUS TO ME!!!

Pony Island [game]

THIS IS LIKE, EMILY IS AWAY, BUT WITH PROGRAMMING PUZZLES AND ALSO SATAN AND THE WAY IT MESSES WITH YOUR COMPUTER AND THE STEAM INTERFACE SEEMS KINDA FUCKED UP, LIKE MAYBE STEAM WOULD MAYBE COME AND STOP THEM FROM DOING IT IF THEY KNEW. IT TRICKED ME WITH MOST OF IT'S TRICKS AT LEAST!  IT'S A PRETTY GOOD GAME THOUGH!      PS. IT FEELS REALLY WEIRD THAT THIS DOESN'T DO THE FROG FRACTION THING. LIKE I GET NOT DOING A 45 MINUTE THING AND MAKING IT ACTUALLY SECRET WHAT THE GAME IS BUT THE STRUCTURE IS WEIRD, HOW YOU DON'T GET TO THE 'NORMAL' VERSION OF PONY ISLAND TILL LIKE 2/3RDS INTO THE GAME. YOU'D THINK THEY'D START THE GAME WITH THAT AND THEN HAVE IT GO WRONG.   

Bayonetta [game]

THIS GAME IS GREAT. THIS GAME IS IN THE ASURA'S WRATH/GURREN LAGGEN GENRE OF "JUST DO WHATEVER OVER THE TOP THING SEEMS COOLEST" AND THAT IS GREAT AND I LOVE THAT GENRE. ON THE OTHER HAND I THINK I SOMEHOW PLAYED THIS ENTIRE GAME WRONG? I DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH DIFFICULTY BEATING IT BUT AT EVERY STEP OF THE GAME I GOT THE EXACT LOWEST RANK ON EVERY LEVEL AND NEVER HAD ANY MONEY. LIKE I FEEL LIKE I MISSED SOME ENTIRE MECHANIC OR SOMETHING? WHO KNOWS. I VERY RARELY USED TARGETING? DID THAT DO SOMETHING? BREAK MY COMBO MAYBE?   PS. IS 'FLY ME TO THE MOON' THE END SONG BECAUSE YOU BEAT UP ANGELS?