Capital Reviews

GEEZ THE DIALOG WRITING AND THE VOICE ACTING IN THIS WAS SHOCKINGLY BAD.  I ASSUME THEY WANTED TO NOT HIRE ANYONE WHO WORKED VOICING THE TEEN TITANS OR JUSTICE LEAGUE CARTOONS ANYONE LIKED? PS. HELLO, I'M STARFIRE, I'M 34 AND HAVE A GEM FOR A CLITORIS.

THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE X1000 IS THAT SOMEHOW DESPITE BEING ON SCREEN FOR LIKE A MINUTE AND A HALF AND HAVING LIKE ONE LINE SOMEHOW THEY DID THE BEST CASTING OF JUBILEE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL MOVIES AND THEN SHE WENT TO THE MALL WITH NIGHTCRAWLER AND BOUGHT HIM A MICHAEL JACKSON JACKET. PS. WAIT, SO WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE COMMERCIAL BEFORE THE MOVIE WITH STORM TELLING US TO ENJOY THE MOVIE? I'VE NEVER SEEN A COMMERCIAL LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE I GRASP WHAT IT EVEN WAS?

THIS IS AN OKAY MOVIE THAT FELT LIKE IT HAD A SUPER GOOD PREMISE. NOT REALLY A LOT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE THOUGH MOSTLY. IT WAS AN OKAY MOVIE ANYWAY THOUGH.   PS. THE COVER SHOWS HER DRINKING A FANCY RED DRINK BUT IN THE MOVIE SHE DRINKS A FANCY BLUE DRINK.

LIKE, THIS WHOLE MOVIE FEELS LIKE IT'S BEING A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING BUT I COULDN'T TELL YOU IN A MILLION YEARS WHAT. LIKE, IS THE KID AUTISTIC? ARE THEY JEWISH? ADAM SANDLER AND MEL BROOKS SEEMS LIKE IT CODES IT AS JEWISH BUT WHAT EVEN DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HE NEEDS TO TURN JEWISH BY HIS 5TH BIRTHDAY OR THEY CAN'T LIVE IN THE JEWISH CASTLE ANYMORE?   PS. THE FACT HE *DOES* BECOME A VAMPIRE AT THE END MAKES THE WHOLE THING EVEN MORE MUDDLED. LIKE IT REMOVES ANY SORT OF MORAL OR DECISION FROM THE MOVIE IF HE JUST ENDED UP BEING A VAMPIRE ANYWAY. (HOWEVER I KINDA GET TAKEN IN BY LITERALLY ANY TRANSFORMATION PRESENTED AS BERSERKER RAGE LITERALLY NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT IS)

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT THE LENGTHS THE PROTAGONISTS WOULD GO FOR A KITTEN BUT THE BEST THING IS HOW IT'S ACTUALLY A MOVIE ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT LENGTHS EVERY CHARACTER WOULD GO TO SAVE THIS SAME KITTEN. PS. THEY USED A SLIGHTLY OLDER CAT IN THE WALKING MONTAGE IN THE OPENING AND THAT CLEARLY MADE IT LOOK LIKE A LION KING ESQ 'CAT IS WALKING AND GROWING' MONTAGE AND THAT WAS SUPER CONFUSING WHEN IT WAS A KITTEN AGAIN.

I'M IRON MAN, I AM SO SAD AND DISTRAUGHT WE HURT A CHILD, LET ME HIRE THIS AUTISTIC CHILD SPIDERBOY TO GO RANDOMLY FIGHT MY FRIENDS AT THE AIRPORT.   PS. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS DEAN FROM COMMUNITY GETTING HIRED BY MIT TO HAVE THE EXACT SAME JOB.

WHY DO THEY KEEP MAKING THIS MOVIE? THIS MOVIE WAS HILARIOUS ON HOW MUCH THEY JUST GLOSSED OVER ANYTHING, IT FELT LIKE THIS MOVIE JUST GOT TIRED OF EVEN TELLING WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND LIKE 90% OF ANYTHING IMPORTANT JUST HAPPENED OFF SCREEN OR IN TIME SKIPS.   PS. RICHARD AND SUE IS LIKE *THE* COMIC BOOK COUPLE AND I LOVE THEY JUST DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH THAT IN THIS MOVIE AND JUST INSTEAD WENT FOR A REALLY WEIRD HOMOEROTIC BEN/RICHARD PAIRING. I THINK HE HAD A PHOTO OF BEN IN HIS WALLET? ALSO THERE WAS A WEIRD SET OF PLOTS TO MAKE EVERYONE LEGALLY RELATED IN A WAY I DON'T FEEL LIKE I UNDERSTAND THE REASONING FOR?

THIS WHOLE MOVIE FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IN THE WRITING ROOM SAID "PANDA-LA" AND BUILT A WHOLE MOVIE AROUND THAT PUN BUT AT SOME POINT THEY DECIDED TO CUT THE JOKE FROM EVER ACTUALLY SHOWING UP ON SCREEN. OR MAYBE DISNEY OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THAT JOKE BECAUSE IT WAS ON TALESPIN?   PS. THE JADE KNIFE FIGHTING STUFF LOOKED ACTUALLY COOL AT TIMES SO GOOD JOB STUPID MOVIE FIGHT DESIGNER I GUESS?