Capital Reviews

I THINK THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT DIFFICULT TWIN STICK SHOOTER ROUGELITES IS HOW CATS FEEL ABOUT LASER POINTERS. LIKE IT'S A THING I ENJOY A TON FOR SOME REASON AT FIRST THEN I ALWAYS INEVITABLY KEEP GOING AND GOING TRYING TO CATCH THE END. I GOT TO THE POINT WHEN I CLOSED MY EYES AT NIGHT I'D SEE THE ENEMY PATTERNS AS I FELL ASLEEP TETRIS STYLE.   PS. SOMEONE ON REDDIT SAID YOU SHOULDN'T EXPECT TO BE ABLE TO BEAT THIS GAME UNTIL YOU'VE PUT AT LEAST 50 HOURS INTO IT AND I BEAT IT AT EXACTLY 50 HOURS AND I WONDER HOW MUCH THAT WAS JUST LETTING MYSELF GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO THINK OF MYSELF AS GOOD ENOUGH AT THIS GAME TO BEAT IT?

THIS MOVIE IS GOOD IF YOU CHOOSE TO VIEW IT. THE BEST PART IS THAT EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE FRAME OF THIS MOVIE IS SOME FAN SERVICE TOWARDS THE ORIGINALS AND AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THERE WAS NOT EVEN ONE MENTION OF A SINGLE THING FROM THE PREQUELS AT ANY POINT.     PS. IN THE ALIEN CLOWN LOOKING LADY'S SPACE ALIEN LANGUAGE WAS THE WORD FOR "DROID" "GUNDAM"?? 

I DON'T EVEN LIKE SONIC BUT URKLE SONIC IS THE REAL SONIC IN MY HEART. I GUESS SONIC IS JUST SANTA NOW? THAT ISN'T HOW THE KIDNAPPED SANTA PLOT USUALLY GOES. I LOVE HOW QUICKLY THE LITTLE KID JUST FLAT OUT PUNCHED SANTA, LIKE HE REALLY DIDN'T TAKE MUCH TO JUST TAKE A SWING AT NEW SANTA.    PS. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE NOW. 

I LOVE WHEN REALLY OLD STUFF USES ITS DATE TO MEAN HOW MODERN SOMETHING IS. THIS SEEMED LIKE AN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING STORY BUT THEY HAD A GOOD SANTA AND I LIKED HOW THEY PORTRAYED HIM.   PS. ONLY STEVEN SPEILBURG CHRISTMAS SPECIALS TODAY I GUESS.

I PLAYED ALL THE SPACE QUEST AND KINGS QUEST GAMES A LOT. IN THE ERA PIRACY WAS NEW AND NOVEL I PIRATED ALL THE QUEST FOR GLORY AND POLICE QUEST GAMES SO I HAVE AT LEAST OPENED AND LOOKED AT ALL OF THEM, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER ACTUALLY BEAT ONE. THIS GAME HELD UP REALLY WELL, I MEAN THE GRAPHICS ARE HILARIOUSLY BAD BUT I FEEL LEGIT IMPRESSED THEY KEPT THE SIERRA "LOOK AT EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD" STUFF SINCE NO MODERN GAMES DO THAT AT ALL. I LOOKED IN GAMEFAQS AS NEEDED BUT I WAS ACTUALLY FAIRLY SHOCKED AT HOW MUCH OF THIS GAME I PLAYED STRAIGHT, THE WHOLE GENRE MOSTLY DIED BECAUSE GAMES FROM THIS TIME PERIOD HAD SPIRALED SO FAR UP THEIR BUTT WITH EVERYTHING HAVING ILLOGICAL WACKY SOLUTIONS THAT NO HUMAN WOULD GET NATURALLY BUT THIS WAS AT LEAST 80% REASONABLE.   PS. BOY, I DO *NOT* THINK I COMPLETED THE 'RITE OF PEACE' CORRECTLY?

WHO THE HELL IS BOB MACKIE?  WHO THE HECK IS FRANK CAPRA? JECOBI AMEYERS? KATE ALARD? CATSENBERG? MORGAN FAIRCHILD? LEONA HELMSLY? WHOEVER THAT GUY STANDING NEXT TO WOOPIE WAS? I FEEL LIKE 900% OF THE JOKES HERE WAS REFERENCES I HAVE ONLY THE DIMMEST POSSIBLE MEMORY OF. DID I GET THESE JOKES AT THE TIME? I LIKE THAT THEY REWROTE THE THEME SONG TWO ENTIRE TIMES FOR THIS.  

THIS SHOW WAS A BABY SHOW FOR LITTLE KIDS BUT A COUPLE PEOPLE I LIKED WORKED ON IT SO IRARELY WATCHED IT BUT HAD SOME AFFECTION FOR IT. THE DAD HAS AN AMAZING VOICE BUT THE AMOUNT OF CIRCLE WIPES IS UNBEARABLE.  PS. SQUARE PEOPLE ARE JEWISH? OR SOMETHING?  THE SQUARE RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY IS SHOCKINGLY COHERENT FOR A FAKE HOLIDAY. 

JESUS CHRIST, SANTA'S STORY IS SO RAMBLEY, HE JUST KEEPS SAYING WORDS AND NONE OF THEM MAKE ANY SENSE, THE STORY IS SO DISJOINTED AND INCOHERENT. AND THE FACES THE KIDS ARE MAKING ARE SO AMAZING, LIKE VIRGINA LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO FREAK THE FRIG OUT WHILE JACKIE JUST HAS THIS TOTAL "WHAT EVEN IS THIS CRAP" LOOK ON HIS FACE, THEN SANTA IS JUST STANDING AND LAUGHING SUPERIMPOSED OVER THEIR SLEEPING BODIES. PS. GOING DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE OF CHRISTMAS SPECIALS HAS MADE ME BEGIN TO QUESTION WHAT EVEN IS REAL. HOW DO SO MANY CHRISTMAS SPECIALS EXIST AND WHY ARE THEY ALL SO GOD DAMN WEIRD?

GOD THIS STORY MOVED, LIKE FOUR HUNDRED THINGS HAPPENED. THE BEST PART WAS THE WOMAN YELLING NO SO MANY TIMES, SHE YELLED NO TWICE AS MANY TIMES AS SEEMED REEASONABLE THEN LIKE FIVE MORE TIMES.   PS. BECAREFUL WHAT YOU AXE FOR

THIS SHOW WAS SO WEIRD, ALL THE JOKES ALL SEEMED NONSPECIFICALLY SEXUAL IN A HARD TO DESCRIBE WAY. I FEEL LIKE THIS WHOLE SHOW WAS SET UP AROUND FEELING SUBVERSIVE BY HAVING EVERY JOKE BE A WEIRD WINK AT THE CAMERA "YOU'LL GET THIS WHEN YOUR OLDER" SORT OF THING WHERE I'M NOW IN MY MID THIRTIES AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LIKE HALF THE JOKES MEAN WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY NODDING AT THE CAMERA BEING ALL "EH, EH? YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN".   PS. WAIT!? "WHATS HER NAME" IS ALSO NAMED "THE UGLY ONE"!?!?

I LOVE HOW IN MY HEAD I KNOW THIS WAS SOME SUPER CRAZY THING THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE EXISTED WHEN IT CAME OUT BUT LOOKING AT IT IN 2015 IT'S SO TAME.   PS. THIS MOVIE IS VERY UNCLEAR ON WHAT THE GHOST MONSTERS ARE TRYING TO DO TO PACMAN, MAYBE EAT HIM? MAYBE BITE HIM THEM LEAVE? IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT YOU NEED TO CALL THEM 'GHOST MONSTERS" AND NOT GHOSTS.

OKAY, BUCKLE UP, I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS. FIRST OF ALL THE FACT THAT I LOVE THAT TOYS HAVE A CONDITION THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE BEING DEAD BUT IS SO SPECIFICALLY NOT BEING DEAD. LIKE TO THE POINT THEY HAVE A FUNERAL FOR YOU AND THE OPPOSITE OF BEING FROZEN IS BEING ALIVE BUT BEING FROZEN FOREVER SEEMS TO BE STRESSED REPEATEDLY AS BEING A UNIQUE CONDITION. BUT ALSO THEY DESCRIBE IT AS BEING ALONE IN A PLACE THAT IS NOT A PLACE WHERE IT IS COLD AND DARK AND THAT IS A REAL FUCKED UP WAY TO DESCRIBE AN AFTERLIFE TO KIDS! ON THE OTHER HAND THIS IS THE STORY OF THE TOYS ENDING DEATH PERMANENTLY ONE CHRISTMAS DAY AND THAT ITSELF IS SOME SORT OF WEIRD DEEPER LEVEL "TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS" THEOLOGICAL STUFF THAT THIS DOESN'T REALLY EVEN COMMENT ON AND IT'S GREAT. PS. ALSO THIS CAME OUT LIKE 7 YEARS BEFORE TOY STORY DID AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT HOW THERE IS TOYS THAT COME ALIVE WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND AND HOW THE KID'S FAVORITE TOY IS JEALOUS OF THE NEW TOY THE KID IS GE...

GUYS, I DON'T THINK THE MARIO CARTOON WAS A VERY GOOD SHOW.   PS. BOWSER CALLED MARIO A "PIPE SQUEEZER" AND I CAN'T THINK OF A SINGLE THING THAT COULD MEAN THAT ISN'T A HOMOPHOBIC SLUR.

THIS SEEMED REALLY DULL AND LOW STAKES, THE CHRISTMAS CONFLICT DIDN'T START TILL LIKE 6 MINUTES FROM THE END AND WAS ONLY THAT THE SNOW MEANT THE WHEELCHAIR GIRL COULDN'T HAVE A TREE, WHICH SEEMED LIKE A FACT THAT DIDN'T BOTHER HER EVEN A LITTLE, SO THEY MOVED THE TINY TREE IN AN OPERATION THAT SEEMED TO HAVE NO COST OR DIFFICULTY OR RISK ASSOCIATED WITH IT WHICH CAUSED THE MORNING STAR TO SHOOT BEAMS INTO THE GIRL AND CURE HER SPINE?   PS. GETTING ANY SORT OF MAGIC FROM "THE MORNING STAR" SEEMS SATANIC.

I DON'T KNOW, THIS SEEMED WEIRD, LIKE NOT MUCH IS GOING ON. SANTA JUST SEEMS LIKE A JERK AND THE KID JUST SORT OF SEES THE THING ON TV AND INSTANTLY TRANSFORMS. THE WHOLE MESSAGE THAT IF YOU ARE ESPECIALLY UNGREEDY ON CHRISTMAS YOU CAN MAYBE BE SANTA'S HELPER IS WEIRD AND SEEMS LIKE A DUMB MORAL THAT UNDOES THE IDEA THAT BEING NOT GREEDY IS IT'S OWN REWARD.   PS. THIS WAS IN POEM FORM AND I FEEL LIKE THE ANIMATORS GOT REALLY ENSLAVED TO ANIMATING EVERY SINGLE LINE IN A SUPER LITERAL WAY.

THIS SEEMED REALLY SUPREMELY CHILL AND LOW KEY. IT IS WEIRD BECAUSE AT SOME POINT BEFORE HART DIED B.C. BECAME SOME SORT OF WEIRD RACIST HYPER CHRISTIAN POST APOCALYPTIC BUT THIS PRE-DATES THAT AND THIS WAS JUST SOME WEIRD STORY ABOUT CHRISTMAS BEING A MADE UP SCAM.   PS. A MAN WITH SANITARY CLAWS NEEDS TO GIVE X AMOUNT OF GIFTS TO THE MASSES.

THEY TOLD SUZY THAT IT WAS A HOLIDAY TO CELEBRATE THEIR GREAT PEOPLE SO SHE THOUGHT SHE NEEDED TO WIN A TROPHY. AND THEN ALSO THERE WAS SOME PLOT WHERE THE DAD KEPT HAVING TO WORK AND SEEMED ANGRY AT KWANZAA AND THE THEME OF KWANZAA IS UNITY SO IT KINDA SEEMED LIKE THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE PLOT BUT LIKE HALF WAY THROUGH THE EPISODE THEY JUST STOP MENTIONING THAT PLOTLINE AND INSTEAD HAVE RANDOM FLASHBACKS TO WHEN THE GREAT AUNT MET MARTIN LUTHER KING. ALSO THE DAD HAD A STEREOTYPICALLY GAY LISP LIKE A CARICATURE OF A CAMP GAY MAN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.   PS. IF I JUST STARTED MAKING THESE UP WOULD ANYONE BE ABLE TO EVEN TELL?

WAS GLOWORMS A TV SHOW? IT MUST HAVE BEEN, MY ONLY CHILDHOOD ENCOUNTER WITH GLOWORMS WAS GETTING A GLOWORMS TOY THEN PUTTING A MARBLE IN ITS BUTT HOLE THEN REGRETTING IT FOREVER BECAUSE IT WOULD NEVER COME OUT AGAIN.     PS. WHAT THE HELL IS A BOPBUG? WHAT THE HELL IS A PRAYER BUG?

THERE SERIOUSLY WAS A TIME WHERE JUST LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE THING THAT EXISTED GOT A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. THIS IS A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ABOUT THOSE GOOY OCTOPUSES YOU THREW AGAINST THE WALL STARING EYORE AND SLIMER. ALSO FOR SOME REASON I REALLY LIKE THAT THEIR STUPID TRIP TOOK 2000 YEARS AND THEY LEFT AFTER LIKE MAYBE A HALF A DAY? WAIT, WAS THIS 1980S MOVIE SET IN THE FUTURE? THEY SEEMED PRETTY SET ON IT BEING EXACTLY 2000 YEARS AFTER JESUS.   PS. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING TO ADD SCIFI ELEMENTS TO THE STAR OF BETHLEHEM WITHOUT THINKING OF THE ARTHUR C CLARK STORY 'THE STAR'.

THIS MOVIE WAS REALLY GOOD. IT HAD RAD 80S PRACTICAL EFFECTS AND A WEIRD ANIMATED SEGMENT AND A STUPID ENDING. ALSO THE UNCLE WAS PLAYING COUSIN EDDIE SO MUCH THAT I GOT TRICKED INTO THINKING IT MUST BE THE SAME ACTOR TILL MY FRIEND POINTED OUT THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE. WHICH THINKING ABOUT IT IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T, BUT MAN THAT IS THE CHARACTER HE'S PLAYING.    PS. http://calvinandhobbes.wikia.com/wiki/Noodle_Incident

HOLY CRAP! SANTA JUST FLAT OUT MURDERED SOMEONE WITH LIGHTNING. PS. BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THE NARRATION AT THE END AWKWARDLY TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE LATER GOT BETTER, AND ALSO "NOT TO WORRY"

HOLY CRAP, I FORGOT THIS EXISTED UNTIL I SAW THE TERRIBLE OWL EXPLAINING WHAT 'INVENTORY' IS, GOD THAT AWFUL OWL!     PS. HOW MANY FRAME STORIES DID THIS STORY NEED?

FAMILY CIRCUS IS THE WORST SO THIS WAS THE WORST. THE ONLY GOOD JOKE WAS THE COOKIE FAKE OUT AND REMEMBERING THEIR DOG IS NAMED BARFY.    PS. OH JEFFY! HE'S DEAD!

THIS IS JUST SOME NOTHING BAD CGI CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FROM 1997 (IF YOU LOOK IT UP IT SAYS 2003, BUT THAT IS JUST THE IMAX RELEASE). THE THING IS BACK IN HIGHSCHOOL ONE CHRISTMAS EVE I WOKE UP AT LIKE 4AM AND WATCHED TV FOR A WHILE. THIS AWFUL NONSENSE WAS ON SOME CHANNEL WE BARELY GOT AND ALL THESE YEARS I COULDNT EVEN WUITE TELL IF THIS WAS EVEN A REAL THING OR SOMETHING I JUST MADE UP OR DREAMED.          PS.  REMEMBER BEING UNABLE TO SLEEP BEFORE CHRISTMAS? 

I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I WAS REALLY INTO THE OTHER MOVIES IN THIS SERIES AND THIS ONE WAS FINE BUT JUST NOT REALLY ANYTHING COMPARED TO THE OTHERS. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I'M MISREMEMBERING THE BOOK BUT I REMEMBER THE BOOK HAVING A DRASTICALLY DARKER ENDING. PS. THE SEWER MONSTER THINGS WERE LEGIT SCARY LOOKING!

I FIGURED I SHOULD WATCH SOME MORE MOVIES ON THE LIST OF CLASSIC POST APOCALYPTIC MOVIES. FROM THIS ONE I LEARNED THAT RACE SCENE FROM CHRONO TRIGGER WAS PROBABLY FROM THIS AND THAT THE TIME LINE OF THIS MADE NO SENSE AT ALL.   PS. I LOVE HOW SUPER 80S THIS WAS, I KNOW IT WAS JUSTIFIED IN UNIVERSE BUT I LOVE HOW JANKY THE MARTIAL ARTS WAS AND HOW MUCH PUNCHING SOMEONE SOME RANDOM PLACE WOULD JUST MAKE THEIR ARMS FALL OFF OR WHATEVER.

THIS GAME IS GREAT, I PLAYED 81 HOURS OF IT. I FEEL LIKE WRITING A REVIEW IS SOME SORT OF BETRAYAL BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M DONE AND THAT ISN'T SOMETHING YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT GAMES LIKE THIS BUT I THINK I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE IT TOO MUCH INTO THE GROUND BEFORE THE DLC AND THE MOD TOOLS COME OUT, SO I WILL PLAY MORE IN A YEAR I THINK?   PS. TWO PIECES OF ADVICE: DON'T TAKE LONE WANDERER, COMPANIONS SUCKED IN EVERY GAME BUT NOW THEY ARE COOL AND I FEEL LIKE I MESSED UP PLAYING SOLO. ALSO DON'T DO THE CONFIDENCE MAN QUEST, IT GIVES NO GOOD REWARDS AND RUINS EVERYTHING FOREVER, NERD TRAVIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE GAME!

REGULAR SHOW IS ALWAYS REALLY GOOD BUT I REALLY NEVER WATCH IT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY WATCH ENOUGH DUMB KIDS CARTOONS AND IT'D BE WEIRD IF I JUST WATCHED ALL OF THEM. ALSO HIS HEAD BEING SEVERED THEN FLOATING OFF IN SPACE TO RESET FOREVER IS A REALLY FUCKING TERRIFYING FATE. PS. ACTUALLY I WATCHED THIS THANKSGIVING DAY AND DIDN'T POST THIS TILL NOW BECAUSE MY SISTER KEPT DOING DUMB DANCE NUMBERS IN FRONT OF THE TV AND I CARE ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF THIS BLOG SO MUCH FOR SOME DUMB REASON THAT I AGONIZED ON IF I SHOULD POST A REVIEW OR IF I MISSED TOO MUCH UNTIL I COULD GET AROUND TO WATCHING THE SCENES I MISSED THE MOST.

WAS ANIME ALWAYS A GROSS THING FOR SEX PERVERTS? I FEEL LIKE I KEEP TRYING TO GET BACK INTO ANIME AND EVERYTHING I WATCH IS ALWAYS CROSSING A BUNCH OF LINES TO THE POINT IT'S UPSETTING. LIKE THINGS LIKE 'FANSERVICE' AND PANTY SHOTS (AND NIPPLESS BOOBS) ARE JUST PART OF THE GENRE, BUT DID THINGS TAKE SOME KINDA DARK TURN AT SOME POINT OR DID I JUST GET OLD ENOUGH TO NOTICE IT ALL? IT ALL SEEMS LIKE THE WORST! ON THE OTHER HAND CHIE FROM PERSONA WAS RANDOMLY IN THIS AND THEY BLEEPED OUT WHEN THEY SAID PERSONA SO LOL AT THAT?       PS. THIS SHOW WASN'T GREAT AND THERE WAS A FEW SEQUENCES WHERE IT DID THAT THING WHERE A CHARACTER IS A GENIUS AND THE WRITER ISN'T SO YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THE SHOW'S WORD ON IT ON HOW SMART THE CHARACTER IS BUT I FEEL LIKE THERE WAS ALSO A GOOD NUMBER OF THINGS WHERE THEY PULLED OFF WINS THAT WERE ACTUALLY LEGIT CLEVER AND ACTUALLY FOLLOWED ACTUALLY SMART LOGIC.