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Showing posts from April, 2017

The Circle [movie]

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH AN EPISODE OF BLACK MIRROR THAT KINDA JUST DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE AND HAS A BUNCH OF CELEBRITIES IN IT FOR NO REASON? I GUESS YOU CAN WATCH THIS. LIKE, EVEN THE CLIMAX WHERE THEY LEAK ALL TOM HANK'S STEVE JOB'S EMAIL IS JUST LIKE, WHAT? HE'S CLEARLY A DANGEROUS GUY WITH DUBIOUS IDEAS ABOUT PRIVACY BUT LIKE, NO POINT WHERE THERE IS ANY INDICATION HE IS DOING ANYTHING SECRETLY. SO LIKE, I GUESS NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE END? ALSO THIS IS CAST AND WRITTEN LIKE THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY WAY MORE OF A COMEDY THEN SOMEONE DECIDED IT WAS VERY SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT AND TOOK OUT ALL THE COMEDY.      PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE TINY TEXT CHAT WINDOW STUFF WAS AMAZING AND THE ONLY TIME A MOVIE HAS EVER GOTTEN INTERNET CHAT CORRECT. "I LIKE TO FART IN BED"/"I'M COVERED IN HAIR"/"SLEEP FOOOREEVVER" 

The Loves of Hercules [movie, mst3k]

DEEP HURTING IS A CLASSIC MST3K BIT BUT THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A HERCULES BASED EPISODE THAT I'VE LIKED AND THIS HASN'T CHANGED THAT.   PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A THROW AWAY EPISODE AND THEY EVEN BASICALLY REUSED THE HOST SEGMENT JOKE FROM ANOTHER EPISODE SO MEH?

The Land That Time Forgot [movie, mst3k]

I DON'T KNOW, THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS THAT THE STORY WAS DUMB BUT THAT THIS ONE WAS JUST A PLOT FROM A FAMOUS BOOK AND IT MOSTLY STUCK TO IT SO WHAT CAN YOU DO? PS. THIS MADE ME LOOK UP IF DINOSAUR MEAT IS KOSHER, IT IS NOT.

Starcrash [movie, mst3k]

HOLY CRAP. THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES MST3K EVER DID. THIS MOVIE IS ABSURD, HOW HAVE I NEVER EVER HEARD OF DAVID HASSLEHOLF STAR WARS!?!?   PS. THE WORLDS BIGGEST AND LEAST FUNNY CAMEO.

The Beast of Hollow Mountain [movie, mst3k]

I LOT OF BAD MOVIES DO THE THING OF HAVING 90% OF THE MOVIE BE FILLER BUT IT'S HILARIOUS HOW LONG THIS GOES WITH JUST HAVING ZERO BEAST RELATED PLOT THEN IS SUDDENLY ONLY BEAST RELATED PLOT. PS. MST3K SURE DID BUY A LASER CUTTER.

Avalanche [movie, mst3k]

THE RIFFING WAS GOOD (HOT CHOCOLATE BEER, PULLEY AND CABLE RADIO) BUT I THINK I NEVER LIKE THESE WHEN THEY ARE BIGGER MOVIES, THIS JUST WASNT A VERY WATCHABLE MOVIE. LIKE I COULD WATCH TROLL 2 WITHOUT A RIFF BUT ITS EVEN BETTER WITH ONE BUT THIS WAS JUST TOO BORING AS A FILM EVEN WITH GOOD JOKES ADDED.   PS. THE DRONE PART WAS CLEVER.

The Time Travelers [movie. mst3k]

I LIKE THAT MOST OF THIS MOVIE IS BAD FILM CUT SPECIAL EFFECTS BUT THEY ACTUALLY DID A SUPER GOOD JOB OF STAGE MAGIC FOR THE ROBOT HEAD.     PS. HA FOR SOME REASON WHEN JOEL HODGSON AND ELLIOTT KALAN SHOWED UP I RECOGNIZED THAT IT WAS ELLIOT BUT DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT WAS JOEL?? (I GUESS BECAUSE JOEL NEVER SPEAKS AND IS WEARING MAKEUP. BUT STILL!)

Cry Wilderness [movie, MST3k}

OKAY, AS SOON AS THEY GOT TO THE ANIMAL STOCK FOOTAGE THIS GOT WAY BACK UP IN QUALITY. I'M WAY ON BOARD NOW.   PS. ALSO I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS CONFUSING MOVIE.

Assassin's Creed [movie]

I RODE A BUS AND LISTENED TO A PODCAST ABOUT HOW BAD THIS WAS THEN GOT OFF AND GOT ON A PLANE AND WATCHED IT. IT WAS BAD.   PS. LIKE 90% OF THIS MOVIE IS PEOPLE JUMPING OFF OF THINGS THEN THE CONNECTION BREAKING THEN THE NEXT SCENE JUST NOT SHOWING WHY IT WAS OKAY THEY FELL OFF SOMETHING REALLY HIGH. LIKE IN THE GAME THE EXCUSE IS ALWAYS HAY AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW SOMETHING THAT DUMB IN A MOVIE I GUESS?

Furry Vengeance [movie]

THIS IS POM POKO BIT THE WORST AND MOST 2005 MOVIE POSSIBLE. EVERYONE IS SO AWFUL AND UNLIKABLE. THE ONLY GOOD PART WAS THE GUY SAYING TANK U LIZER  A LOT AND THE FLASHBACK OF THE RACCOON PUNCHING THINGS. PS. WHY WOULD YOU NAME A MOVIE THIS IN 2005?

Reptilicus [movie, mst3k]

I DON'T KNOW. THE GIZMONIC INSTITUTE STUFF WAS ACTIVELY AWFUL AND THE ON SHIP STUFF WAS WEAK AND THE MST3KING WAS HIT OR MISS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DON'T THINK I HATE THIS? IT FELT LIKE A WEAK EPISODE OF THE RIGHT SHOW INSTEAD OF JUST BEING A TOTALLY AWFUL HEARTLESS CASH GRAB REMAKE? IT DIDN'T SEEM UNREDEEMABLE OTHER THAN MAYBE THE GIZMONIC INSTITUTE PARTS AND I STILL HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE HEAD WRITER SINCE THEY PICKED THE EXACT RIGHT GUY.   PS. ALSO THIS MOVIE WAS A GOOD CHOICE AND THE REASON I NEVER LIKED RIFFTRACKS AS MUCH AS MST3K IS THAT I NEVER LOVED THEIR MOVIE CHOICES AND THIS WAS AN ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN PERFECT MS3TK CHOICE AND THAT MAKES ME WAY WAY HOPEFUL FOR THE REST OF THIS.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain [game,amazing]

I'M SO LATE TO THIS PARTY THERE ISN'T A TON I CAN EVEN SAY THAT ISN'T OLD NEWS BY NOW BUT BOY IS THIS GAME GOOD. I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD PLAY ANY LEVEL 30 TIMES AND PLAY IT TOTALLY 100% DIFFERENTLY. LIKE THERE WAS A MISSION TO FIGHT 30 TANKS AND I JUST KEPT MAKING SANDSTORMS AND STEALING THE TANKS AND THEN THERE WAS A STEALTH MISSION WHERE YOU COULDN'T BE DETECTED SO I JUST STOOD ON A HILL WITH A GIANT ROCKET LAUNCHER AND RAINED DOWN FIRE ON EVERYONE SO NO ONE DETECTED ME BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS ALREADY DEAD. PERFECT STEALTH.      PS. MY LEVEL OF METAL GEAR FANDOM IS THAT I PLAY SOME OF THEM, BUT MAN DO I LOVE METAL GEAR STORY TELLING. LIKE IT HITS ALL MY BUTTONS WITH BOTH THE SUPER IN DEPTH POLITICAL STUFF BUT ALSO TALKING ABOUT DOG PAW PADS AND EVERYONE STARTING A HAMBURGER RESTAURANT THAT SERVES CHEMICALS. I DON'T EVEN LIKE ALL THE METAL GEAR GAMES BUT THERE REALLY IS NO ONE LIKE KOJIMA TELLING HIS SORT OF STORIES ANYWHERE ELSE IN ANY MEDIA.  

Ghost in the Shell [movie]

THIS WAS SO WEIRD, IT WAS BARELY A MOVIE, IT WAS JUST EVERY SINGLE THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN ANYTHING GHOST IN THE SHELL EVER WITH "REMEMBER WHEN THIS HAPPENED?" TOTALLY DISCONNECTED FROM ANY CONTEXT. LIKE REMEMBER IN THE FIRST MOVIE SOMEONE'S FINGERS CAME APART AND THEY TYPED REALLY FAST? THAT HAPPENED. REMEMBER IN THE SECOND MOVIE A GESHA' S HEAD SPLIT OPEN AND THEN IT SCREAMED? THAT HAPPENED. REMEMBER IN THE MANGA WHEN SHE HAD E-CYBER LESBIAN INTERNET SEX? THAT HAPPENED IN THIS. (BUT THIS TIME JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO TOUCH HUMAN LIPS, INSTEAD OF BECAUSE SHE LACKED PENIS NERVES SO HAD TO BE CYBER-GAY). I LIKE THE ONLY THING THEY FELT THE NEED TO EXPLAIN IS WHY BATOU HAD SUCH STUPID LOOKING EYES.   PS. HOLY CRAP, THIS MOVIE HAS ALWAYS GOTTEN A LOT OF FLACK FOR WHITEWASHING LONG BEFORE IT CAME OUT AND GOD, I ASSUMED IT'D JUST BE THE REGULAR KIND WHERE THEY TRANSPLANT A STORY AND ERASE THE ORIGINAL. LIKE MAYBE IT'D BE SET IN CYBER SEATTLE OR SOMETHING.