Capital Reviews

River of Teeth [book] YOU KNOW THAT THING THEY WERE GONNA DO IN THE 1800S WITH PUTTING HIPPOS IN THE LOUISIANA SWAMPS TO CLEAR OUT THE WEEDS AND MAKE MEAT? THIS IS A BOOK ON IF THEY DID THAT, AND THE ANSWER IS IT'D BE EXACTLY LIKE A BASIC COWBOY STORY BUT ALL THE COWBOYS WOULD RIDE HIPPOS. AND THAT IS NEAT AND I LIKED THIS BOOK BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT BOOKS AREN'T A VISUAL MEDIUM, SO THIS IS JUST KINDA A REGULAR COWBOY STORY LIKE 90% OF THE TIME AND YOU JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER "OH, THEY ARE ALSO RIDING A HIPPOPOTAMUS" WHICH IS COOL, BUT LIKE, YOU COULD DO THAT TO LITERALLY ANY COWBOY STORY, YOU COULD JUST HAVE THIS BOOK FOR FREE BY TAKING A COWBOY BOOK YOU ALREADY OWN AND READING THE WHOLE THING IMAGINING THEY WERE RIDING A HIPPO. PS. ALSO ALL THE CHARACTERS WERE SUPER DIVERSE BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THE WRITING MADE EVERYONE BLEND TOGETHER IN MY MIND. SO I KEPT FORGETTING WHO EVERYONE WAS, DESPITE PEOPLE HAVING EXTENSIVE SETS OF TRAITS SO THERE SHOULD BE NO REASON WHY

Steven Universe [television,amazing] THIS SHOW IS REALLY GOOD. I STILL LIKE ADVENTURE TIME BECAUSE IT WAS STILL CHARMING AND FUNNY BUT THIS SHOW MAKES IT SUPER OBVIOUS THAT IT WAS REALLY REBECCA SUGAR THAT WAS SO GOOD. LIKE THEY TOLD HER SHE COULDN'T MAKE ADVENTURE TIME AS SAD AND GAY AS SHE WANTED SO SHE MADE A DUMB SHOW ABOUT 'WHAT IF SAILOR MOON BUT LIKE, THEY HAD A FAT IDIOT IN IT TOO" THEN LIKE 4 EPISODES IN THEY DROPPED THAT AND WENT LIKE "PSYCH! THIS IS SAD AND GAY TOO" THEN LIKE THERE WAS LIKE A WHILE IT WAS METAPHOR, AND THINGS LIKE, ABSTRACTLY REPRESENTED SAD OR GAY, THEN THEY DROPPED THAT AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE "HELLO, THIS IS MY GAY WIFE, WE ARE MARRIED, ALSO WE ARE SAD, IT IS NOT A METAPHOR AND WE ARE GAY AND WE GO TO THERAPY FOR DEPRESSION". I DON'T KNOW, BEYOND THAT IT'S JUST A REALLY GOOD SHOW. YOU SHOULD WATCH IT ASAP. PS. AGAINST ALL ODDS THERE NEVER WAS SNEEPLE.

A Short Hike [game] THE PACE OF THIS GAME IS SO WEIRD, IT'S LIKE THE FIRST HALF HOUR IS PRETTY SLOW, THEN YOU GET LIKE A THIRD FEATHER OR SOMETHING AND YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH VIDEOGAME YOUR WAY UP TO ANYTHING THEN SO YOU GET LIKE TEN MORE FEATHERS IN LIKE THE NEXT TEN MINUTES. I GOT TO THE VERY END AND THE GAME CRASHED AND DELETED MY WHOLE SAVE AND I GOT BACK TO THE END IN LIKE 20 MINUTES. THIS GAME IS REALLY GOOD THOUGH. I LIKED IT. PS. I FEEL LIKE MEDIA DECIDED 'IF WE DRAW BIRDS LIKE *THIS* THEN THIS MEDIA IS ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS" AND THIS KINDA WAS BUT KINDA JUST MILD ANXIETY I GUESS? THEY OVERCAME WORRYING TOO MUCH I GUESS BUT WITH NO REAL INDICATION THEY ACTUALLY WORRIED ALL THAT MUCH.

The Green Flash [book] I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO SOME CREEPYPASTA PODCASTS LATELY AND MAN THIS BOOK HAS SOME EXTREME 1950S CREEPYPASTA ENERGY. LIKE, IT'S THESE 5-10 PAGE STORIES AND NOT ALL OF THEM ARE HORROR BUT MOST OF THEM ARE A LITTLE STORY THEN THE LAST PARAGRAPH IS SOME SHOCKING DEATH. LIKE IT'S GREAT BECAUSE LIKE SOME OF THE STORIES ACTUALLY HAVE A SENSE TO THEM, SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING THEN GETS SOME IRONIC COMEUPPANCE, BUT THEN SOME STORIES ARE JUST NOTHING, WHERE THEY JUST WALK AROUND FOR A WHILE AND THEN SUDDENLY DIE, THEN A COUPLE ARE NOT REALLY HORROR AT ALL, SO YOU GET TO THE END EXPECTING SOMEONE TO DIE AND JUST NO ONE DOES. I LOVE HOW TOTALLY OFF BALANCE READING THIS FEELS. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT ANY ONE STORY IS GOING TO BE AT ALL. PS. THERE WAS SUCH A PAUSE SINCE MY LAST BOOK BECAUSE I READ ABOUT HALF OF "THE BLUE GIRL" AS MY COLOR BOOK BUT I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE IT. I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA WHAT THE HECK WAS HAPPENING IN THAT BOOK, LIKE I KINDA

Dead Cells: Bad Seed [game, dlc] I FEEL LIKE THERE IS LEVELS OF METAPHOR ON HOW I PLAYED THIS. I PLAYED IT ORIGINALLY WHEN IT CAME OUT FOR LIKE 50 HOURS. I GOT EXTREMELY GOOD AT IT AND GOT TO THE ENDGAME. THEN YEARS PASSED AND THEY RELEASED SEVERAL DLCS AND ADDED HARDER CONTENT. SO NOW WHEN I REPLAYED IT I WAS TOO GOOD TO ENJOY THE LOW LEVEL STUFF, BUT HAD LOST SKILL TO THE POINT I COULDN'T DO THE HIGH LEVEL STUFF. AND THERE WAS NO REWARD LEFT FOR THE LOW LEVEL STUFF SO I JUST FELL INTO PLAYING THE HIGHEST OPEN DIFFICULTY LOSING OVER AND OVER. AND YOU CAN SLOWLY CREEP THROUGH THE GAME DEFENSIVELY, PLAYING WRONG, AND BEAT IT IN AN UNFUN WAY, SO I COULD PROGRESS AND COULD BEAT IT AT ANY TIME BUT THE NEXT DIFFICULTY WOULD ONLY BE WORSE. SO NOW I'M SO STRESSED OUT I JUST PLAYED IT FOR ANOTHER 50 HOURS NOT EVEN TRYING TO WIN BECAUSE IT'S A FUN GAME TO JUST JUMP AND ROLL AROUND IN? PS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS A METAPHOR FOR? IT JUST FEELS LIKE A METAPHOR.

Deadcon [movie] BUT LIKE, THE PUN IS THAT IT'S LIVECON, BUT THEN IT'S NOT LIVECON. (ALSO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE) PS. THE BEST PART WAS FAKE HOTEL ZACH BRAFF GUY

The Crazies [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS AN EARL GEORGE ROMERO MOVIE AND YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT WHICH IS NEAT. IT DID SOME INTERESTING THINGS BUT GOOD LORD WAS IT BORING AND UNWATCHABLE. HOLY CRAP. ALSO: WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE VOICE PRINT STUFF? THEY BROUGHT IT UP LIKE EVERY OTHER SCENE THEN IT JUST NEVER FELT LIKE IT EVER EFFECTED ANYTHING? PS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND WE ALL KNOW IT'S A REALLY BAD IDEA!

Contagion [movie] SINCE I WATCHED OUTBREAK I FIGURED I'D LOOK UP WHAT THE BEST DISEASE MOVIE WAS AND WATCH THAT. THIS MOVIE IS NEAT. IT'S THE ONLY PANDEMIC MOVIE I CAN THINK OF THAT GIVES THE DISEASE NO ABSURD OR SUPERNATURAL POWERS. LIKE IT'S NOT A ZOMBIE FLU, IT DOESN'T KILL INSTANTLY, YOU DON'T BLEED OUT YOUR EYES OR ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE, A DISEASE WITH A 20% MORTALITY RATE THAT SPREADS LIKE A FLU, IT MUTATES ONCE TO SPREAD EVEN EASIER AND YOU THINK THE MOVIE IS GOING TO GO "AND NOW EVERYONE HAS IT!" BUT THE FINAL DEATH TOLL IS LIKE 58 MILLION  AT THE END, WHICH IS A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE DEATH TOLL FOR A SERIOUS DISEASE BUT ISN'T OMEGA MAN. I LIKE THE CHARACTERS KINDA DON'T DO THAT MUCH EITHER, LIKE EARLY ON A SINGLE DAD IS FOUND TO BE IMMUNE AND YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BIG ACTION MOVIE HERO, HE'S GONNA BE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE THE DAY OR SOMETHING BUT HE KINDA JUST SITS AROUND WORRYING ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER AND NEVER REALLY GO

Outbreak [movie] LOL, HOLY CRAP. NETFLIX RECOMMENDED THIS TO ME. I AM SURE IT'S AN ALGORITHM WATCHING WHAT PEOPLE ARE CLICKING PASSIVELY AND JUST BUBBLING UP NEWLY POPULAR MOVIES AS RECOMMENDATION BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT SOMEONE AT NETFLIX IS PICKING 25 YEAR OLD MOVIES AND LIKE STICKING THEM IN 'RECOMMENDED FOR ANDREW' BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS STRESSED OUT ABOUT PANDEMICS. PS. THIS MOVIE WAS PRETTY GOOD. OR 75% OF IT WAS GOOD THEN THE LAST 25% WAS WAY TOO MUCH VERY 90S HELICOPTER BASED ACTION. WHY DID THE 90S HAVE SO MUCH HELICOPTER BASED FILM MAKING ANYWAY? ALSO MARCEL THE MONKEY WAS IN THIS AND I KNEW THAT FROM READING A BLURB I I WOULD HAVE KNOWN ANYWAY. 

The Invisible Man [movie] WEIRD, THIS MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY GOOD. IT TOOK THE LAMEST UNIVERSAL MONSTER AND FIGURED OUT WHAT TO DO WITH IT: MAKE THE INVISIBLE MAN A NON CHARACTER THEN HAVE IT BE AN EXTENDED METAPHOR FOR ABUSE. THAT IS ACTUALLY REALLY NEAT. ON THE OTHER HAND, LOL, GOD, HE'S NOT A GHOST. THIS MOVIE IS HILARIOUS IF YOU ACTUALLY IMAGINE HIM DOING ANY OF THE STUFF HE DOES. LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS TO EDIT THIS MOVIE FOR YOUTUBE TO ADD HIM BACK IN VISIBLE, LIKE THERE IS SO MANY SCENES HE MUST JUST BE THERE STANDING PERFECTLY STILL FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES JUST WAITING TO SLOWLY MOVE AN OBJECT SLIGHTLY TO BE LIKE, VAGUELY SPOOKY. LIKE IT'S DEEPEST INTO "IT'S A METAPHOR, IT DOESN'T MATTER" IN THE CELLS, BUT LIKE, WHAT EVEN IS THE PREMISE OF WHAT HE DOES ALL DAY? JUST STAND THERE WAITING TO BE SPOOKY? HE'S RIGHT IN THE ROOM WHEN SHE HAS THE PEN, IT'S A SEALED ROOM THAT IS LIKE 5 FEET ACROSS, IS HE DOING DANCE MOVES TO NOT JUST BE CONSTANTLY RUNNING INTO HER

Notes from Underground [book] THE PROBLEM WITH TRYING TO FIND A BOOK YOU WISH YOU READ AS A TEEN IS THAT UNLESS YOU ARE REREADING A BOOK YOU DON'T KNOW. I PICKED THIS BOOK BECAUSE IT'S A BOOK THAT PEOPLE OFTEN LIST AS A LIFE CHANGING BOOK. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BOOK THAT EFFECTED ME MUCH AS A TEEN, BUT THIS IS A REAL GOOD BOOK AND OOF, ANY AMOUNT OF RELATING TO THE MAIN CHARACTER CUTS DEEP.  I REALLY LIKE HOW IT FEELS LIKE IF THIS WAS WRITTEN NOW THEY WOULD HAVE EITHER MADE HIM A LITTLE COOL, OR MADE HIM MORE COMEDY AWFUL. LIKE HE IS SUCH A FRIGGIN LOSER AND I LOVE HOW WELL WRITTEN IT IS IN WRITING THAT. LIKE I LOVE HE YELLED AT A GIRL THEN CRIED FACE DOWN INTO HIS 'NASTY LEATHER PILLOW"FOR A HALF HOUR WHILE SHE WATCHED AFTER TRYING TO SEEM COOL. I LOVE THE PHRASE 'MY NASTY LEATHER PILLOW" FROM A BOOK FROM 1865. PS. I LOVE THAT ONE OF THE ONLY DESIRES HE EVER AUTHENTICALLY EXPRESSES IN THE WHOLE BOOK WITHOUT HIDING OR LYING ABOUT IT IS

Zoo [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS NOT VERY GOOD. IT FEELS LIKE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MOVIE TO BE. IT FEELS LIKE THE SCRIPT WAS WRITTEN AS A COMEDY BUT THEN THE MUSIC AND CAMERA WAS SO SERIOUS. AND LIKE IF IT WAS A DIFFERENT MOVIE I WOULD THINK THE MUSIC BEING SO SERIOUS WOULD BE PART OF THE JOKE, BUT NO. THIS MOVIE JUST FEELS LIKE THEY DECIDED LAST MINUTE TO BE MORE SERIOUS? PS. BUT THEN LIKE THE ENDING WAS SERIOUS? AND KINDA LEGITIMATELY REALLY SAD? BUT THEY PLAYED THAT LIKE IT WAS COMEDY? LIKE THEY MESSED UP THE TONE IN EVERY DIRECTION.

Horse Girl [movie] HOLY CRAP, WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE? I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF I LIKE THIS MOVIE OR NOT. IT'S SO WEIRD AND UNSETTLING IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA UPSETTING. PS. I FELT LIKE 50% SURE THROUGH LIKE 90% OF THE MOVIE THAT THE ENDING WAS GOING TO BE HER BECOMING A HORSE.