Capital Reviews

Singing Ringing Tree [movie] THIS IS LIKE, A SOVIET EAST GERMAN MOVIE FROM THE 50S THAT GOT FAMOUS BECAUSE THEY SHOWED IT IN ENGLAND IN THE 60S AND IT'S ALL JUST A WEIRD INCOHERENT TELLING OF A WEIRD MISHMASH VERSION OF A BUNCH OF NONSPECIFIC FAIRY TALES THAT ARE ALL CREEPY AS HECK. PS. THE HORRIBLE FISH!

Alice isn't Dead [audiobook, book] I SHOULD BE CLEAR THAT I LIKE ALICE ISN'T DEAD QUITE A LOT BUT MAN, OOF. I FEEL LIKE THE PODCAST GOT REALLY MESSED UP BY IT'S TOO MANY EXTENSION AND FORMAT CHANGES AND WASN'T VERY GOOD IN THE END BECAUSE IT DID GET TOO MUDDLED UP AND A BOOK REWRITING IT SEEMED LIKE THIS PERFECT THING TO REALLY FOCUS THE STORY DOWN AND SMOOTH OVER HOW MUDDLED UP THE PLOT GOT, BUT IT FEELS LIKE THE BOOK WAS LIKE 5X MORE MUDDLED UP. LIKE THE CORRECT STORY IS THAT KESHA HAS ANXIETY, THE THISTLE MEN ARE THE PEOPLE THAT TURN THEIR FEAR INTO HATE, THE POLICE COVER IT UP BECAUSE THE POLICE DON'T REALLY DISLIKE RACIST MONSTERS KILLING MINORITIES AND LOVE BEING ABLE TO TURN MONSTERS ON PEOPLE. THE GOVERNMENT TURNS A BLIND EYE. OFFICER CLOCK/KNOCK/TABLE IS A SPOOKY GUEST STAR WITH NO FURTHER EXPLANATION. BUT ALL THE OTHER ELEMENTS THEY ADD MAKE IT SO MUCH WORSE, NONE OF THE BAY AND CREEK STUFF HELPS, THE MILITARY BASE STUFF GOES NO WHERE, THE ORACLES ARE JUST

Big Bad Mama II [movie] HOW DID THIS MOVIE COME OUT IN 1987? IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S LIKE 20 YEARS OLDER THAN THAT. ALSO EVERYTHING AROUND IT MAKES IT APPEAR WACKIER THAN IT ENDED UP ACTUALLY BEING.  PS. LARGE ADULT BABY

If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind [movie] I WATCHED ONE AWFUL 70S MOVIE ON AMAZON AND APPARENTLY AMAZON PRIME HAS LIKE A MILLION TERRIBLE 70S COMEDIES? AND NOW IT WANTS TO SHOW ME A BUNCH OF THEM? THIS IS A DUMB SKIT COMEDY MOVIE BUT IT'S NOT EVEN SKITS, IT'S JUST JOKES, BUT NOT LIKE MOVIE JOKES, IT'S JUST LIKE, PEOPLE ACTING OUT DIRTY JOKES? LIKE JOKES THAT ARE JUST MEANT TO BE SPOKEN? IT'S V. BAD PS. I FEEL LIKE AMAZON HAS A LITTLE MAGIC BY MAKING THEIR SEARCH EXCEPTIONALLY BAD, LIKE YOU CAN FALL INTO RABBIT HOLES OF WEIRD MOVIES. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WATCH 70S SEX COMEDIES, BUT IT'S JUST APPEALING THAT THERE IS THESE ABSURDLY OBSCURE MOVIES ON THERE AND THE EXTREMELY BAD INTERFACE MAKES THE EXISTENCE OF 'RARE" MOVIES EXIST.  LIKE ON NETFLIX YOU CAN SCROLL THROUGH AND FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT MOVIES EXIST, ON AMAZON IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS BAD MOVIES THAT FELL IN A CORNER THAT NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO EVER SEE. 

Torso [movie] THIS MOVIE HAS A THING WHERE IT'S THE FIRST MODERN SLASHER MOVIE AND IT DEFINITELY IS BUT IT ALSO IS THAT THING WHERE 70S HORROR MOVIES WERE A LOOPHOLE TO GO WATCH SOFT CORE PORNOGRAPHY IN A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE WAY SO THIS GETS REALLY REALLY TEDIOUS AT TIMES WITH JUST REALLY ENDLESS SCENES OF BOOBS THAT JUST GO ON TOO LONG TO EVEN BE ENTERTAINING AS BOOBS.  PS. I OF COURSE WATCHED THIS BECAUSE IT HAS THE BEST TRAILER OF ANY MOVIE EVER MADE. 

The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat [movie] OOF, THIS MOVIE IS MORE ABSTRACT SO IT HAS THAT GOING FOR IT, BUT LIKE, THE FIRST ONE HAD A BUNCH OF EDGY RACISM THAT WASN'T GREAT BUT AT LEAST WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH SOCIAL COMMENTARY. THIS MOVIE IS JUST GARBAGE AND HAS SO MUCH JUST ACTUALLY SHITTY RACISM. LIKE, IT'S REALLY BAD! PS. ALSO HE HAS SEX WITH HITLER IN THIS ONE 

Fritz the Cat [movie] I DEFINITELY HAVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE BUT DIDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I ALSO HAVE A STRONG FEELING THAT IN A YEAR I WILL STILL VAGUELY KNOW I WATCHED IT BUT NOT REALLY REMEMBER IT. IT JUST LACKS ANY OF THE REALLY SURREAL ELEMENTS A BUNCH OF THESE COUNTERCULTURE 60S/70S ANIMATIONS HAVE. IT'S JUST OVERLY STRAIGHT FORWARD AND IT BASICALLY SUCKS.  PS. IT'S LAME BECAUSE IT GETS CLOSE TO BEING SORT OF STILL RELEVANT WITH THE POLICE VIOLENCE AGAINST 'CROWS' BUT IT MESSED THAT UP BY HAVING THE 'CROWS' START IT SO IT JUST SUCKS. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time [Book] THIS DOES THE THING WHERE THEY NEVER EXACTLY SAY HE HAS AUTISM SO THEY CAN GIVE HIM LIKE, WEIRD FANTASY AUTISM. IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUT IT FEELS LIKE THEY WENT TOO FAR SOMETIMES ON BOTH ENDS, WHERE THEY WANTED TO MAKE A BUNCH OF "OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES" TYPE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT STUFF BUT ALSO WANTED HIM TO TALK ABOUT LIKE, PENROSE DIAGRAMS AND MALAYSIAN WORD ENTOMOLOGY. LIKE THAT SORT OF FRAGMENTED KNOWLEDGE IS A THING BUT LIKE, IT FELT LIKE THEY WENT TO FAR.  LIKE THEY MADE A POINT HE LOVED TRAINS THEN A MAJOR PART OF THE BOOK IS HIM NOT REALLY KNOWING HOW TO USE TRAINS AND THIS FEELS LIKE IT COULD BE A SPECIFIC THEME ON THAT DUALITY OR SOMETHING BUT IT REALLY JUST KINDA SEEMS UNRELATED. ALSO LIKE, IT FEELS LIKE THE BOOK CLIMAXED LIKE 75% OF THE WAY THROUGH THEN JUST WENT ON LONGER, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T FEEL SUPER NEGATIVE ABOUT THIS BOOK AND UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE IT SO MUCH, IT W

Down and Dirty Duck [movie] THIS IS A REAL GARBAGE MOVIE, IT'S OBJECTIVELY BAD, A FRITZ THE CAT RIPOFF. I DON'T KNOW THOUGH, I KINDA REALLY LIKE IT. IT THROWS IN ENOUGH WEIRD DISCORDANT NIGHTMARE IMAGERY TO ELEVATE IT. IT'S LIKE THEY HAD ONE TEAM TRYING TO MAKE THE MOVIE THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE THEN HAD LIKE ONE ANIMATOR JUST THROWING THINGS IN. LIKE SOMEONE GOING "LETS HAVE A BROTHEL SCENE" THEN JUST SOMEHOW SOMEONE DREW THE GIRL AS A FLESHY TRAIN ENGINE?   PS. 'WHEN I DIE SEND MY BALLS TO THAT MUSEUM IN ARIZONA"/"THERE IS DOGS EVERYWHERE TO KILL YOU"

The Darkness [movie] BY FAR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS IS THAT THE DEMONS DON'T REALLY DO ANYTHING. LIKE THERE IS ZERO INDICATION THAT THE UNHAPPY MARRIAGE OR THE DAUGHER'S REALLY WEIRD BULIMIA OR ANYTHING IS CAUSED BY THE DEMONS OR EXACERBATED BY THE DEMONS AND THE MOVIE ISN'T CLEVER ENOUGH FOR SOME SORT OF INTENTIONAL "PEOPLE ARE THE REAL DEMONS" SO IT'S JUST A REALLY WEIRD MOVIE WHERE EVERYONE IS AWFUL THEN THERE IS JUST INCONSEQUENTIALLY DEMONS AROUND ALSO. LIKE I GUESS THEY MADE A DOG BITE SOMEONE AND MADE A MESS, BUT UNTIL THEY STARTED GETTING EXORCISED THEY MOSTLY WERE NOT DOING ANYTHING MUCH ABOVE THE BASE LINE OF HOW BAD THE FAMILY ALREADY WERE. ALSO PAUL RISER WAS A GREAT CHARACTER BECAUSE HE WAS A HORRIBLY MAN BUT LIKE SUCH A GOOD BOSS.  PS. I MEAN, IT FEELS LIKE IT WOULD BE WORSE IF THEY HAD A CHILD ACTOR DO AN AUTISTIC VOICE BUT IT WAS SUCH A WEIRD DECISION TO HAVE THE KIND HAVE EXTREME NEARLY NONVERBAL AUTISM THEN ALSO TALK EXTREMELY NORMALLY EVERY

Even Dwarfs Started Small [movie] THIS WOULD BASICALLY BE A FORGOTTEN FREAK SHOW TYPE OF MOVIE IF NOT FOR THE FACT IT WAS MADE BY WARNER HERZOG FOR SOME WEIRD REASON. I DON'T KNOW, IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE IT WAS GOING SOMEWHERE BUT BASICALLY ENDED UP NO WHERE. LIKE IT WAS A BUNCH OF DWARFS AND LITTLE PEOPLE IN AN ISLAND ASYLUM THAT LIKE, RIOTED AND TOOK OVER, THEN OWNED THE ISLAND AND KINDA JUST WANDERED AROUND BREAKING THINGS, THEN THEY KINDA JUST START KILLING ANIMALS AND BEING CRUEL TO EACH OTHER AND YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE SOME SORT OF BREAKDOWN OF A SOCIETY AFTER A REVOLUTION TYPE THING, BUT KINDA NOT, IT JUST ENDS WITH A GUY LAUGHING AT A CAMEL AND THE BOSS GUY GETTING OUT AND YELLING AT A TREE. IT DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE. PS. BOY THIS MOVIE HAS A LOT OF TOTALLY UNSIMULATED ANIMAL CRUELTY! WHAT DID CRUCIFYING A MONKEY ADD TO THIS? 

Speed Dating for Ghosts [game] I DON'T KNOW, I SEE HOW THIS GAME COULD BE CHARMING BUT IT JUST DIDN'T CLICK WITH ME AT ALL. MAYBE IT OPENS UP IF I PICKED BETTER OR KEPT LOOKING AT ALL THE DIFFERENT PATHS BUT I PRETTY MUCH DID ONE DATE FROM EACH ROOM THEN SAID THAT WAS ENOUGH? IT WAS FINE. I DON'T KNOW. PS. I SPENT LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO REALLY UPDATE MY COMPUTER AND NOW I'M JUST GONNA PLAY THIS STUFF FOR LIKE 300 HOURS AND NEVER ACTUALLY PLAY A GAME THAT COULDN'T RUN ON A SUPER NINTENDO. 

Artemis Fowl [movie] THIS WAS JUST NOT GOOD. LIKE AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW, THIS WAS JUST VERY BAD. IS THERE GOING TO BE EVEN ONE GOOD MOVIE IN 2020? I FEEL LIKE IF ANY MOVIE IS EVEN WATCHABLE THE COMPANIES ARE GOING TO SAY "NO, JUST HOLD IT TILL NEXT YEAR"  PS. WAS JULIET NOT REALLY IN THIS MOVIE? IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS SO MANY SCENES SHE WAS IN ANOTHER ROOM TALKING OR ONLY SHOWN FROM BEHIND.

Ace Attorney [movie] GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY TO TONE THIS DOWN A BUNCH AND JUST MADE A LAWYER MOVIE BUT THEY KEPT ALL THE EXTREMELY DUMB CHARACTER DESIGN AND REALLY CARTOONY LOGIC AND IT'S SO FUN TO WATCH. IT'S SO FUN JUST TO SEE THE CROWD SHOTS AND SEE EVERYONE HAS LIKE METAL HEADS AND BIRDS IN THEIR HAIR AND STUFF. JUST THEY YOU WOULD EXPECT IN THE GAME, BUT WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THINK THEY WOULD DO IN A MOVIE VERSION. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND HAVING ALL THE CASTING BE SPOT ON PERFECT MADE IT WORSE THAT THEY DIDN'T DO A VERY GOOD GUMSHOE. ACTUALLY I THINK I JUST ALWAYS ASSUMED GUMSHOE WAS AMERICAN, BECAUSE HE IS MUCH LARGER AND DUMBER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. BUT I GUESS THAT WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE WITH THE OVERLAPPING "EVERYONE GREW UP TOGETHER" STORIES THE SERIES DID. 

A Mortician's Tale [game] I DON'T KNOW, I HEARD THIS WAS DECENT, IT'S CERTAINLY UNIQUE BUT I JUST DIDN'T CLICK WITH IT AT ALL. LIKE I MEAN WITH A GAME ABOUT A FUNERAL HOME IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS HOW YOU DO AN EMOTIONALLY IMPACTFUL STORY. BUT LIKE, I  GUESS IT'S BAD IF A FAMILY RUN SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FUNERAL HOME GETS TAKEN OVER BY A BIG COMPANY? BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE. LIKE THE GAME IS LIKE 20 MINUTES LONG, HOW MUCH DO I CARE THE HEARSE DRIVER HAS MOVED ON TO DRIVE A SCHOOL BUS?  PS. OH BOY, I HAVE BOUGHT THE BUNDLE FOR RACIAL JUSTICE EVEN THOUGH I OWN ALL THE GOOD GAMES ALREADY AND NOW HAVE 1500 WEIRD ASS ULTRA INDIE GAMES TO PLAY BECAUSE IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

Justice League Dark: Apokolips War [movie] I KINDA DO LIKE WHAT IF TYPE SIDE STORIES WHERE THEY KNOW NOTHING MATTERS SO THEY JUST GRUESOMELY KILL EVERYONE. IT'S AN ENTIRE GENRE OF COMICS AND COMIC BOOK MOVIES. JUST GOING THROUGH EVERY CHARACTER AND FUCKING THEM UP. WHY NOT HAVE TRIGON SUPERMAN OR HAWK MAN BE A WEIRD BIRD ROBOT? WHO CARES. ON THE OTHER HAND I HATE HOW EVERYTHING IS TRYING TO MAKE CONSTANTINE CHASE SOME KIND OF SUPERWHOLOCK FANDOM THING THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. STOP HYPING UP CONSTANTINE. HE'S NOT COOL. AT ALL. PS. THIS IS THE FIRST THING FACEBOOK ACTUALLY STOPPED ME FROM STREAMING. I GUESS PUSHING IT TO ACTUALLY JUST STREAMING MONTH OLD WARNER BROTHERS STUFF WAS BLATANT ENOUGH TO FINALLY GET IT TAKEN DOWN. 

The Student [movie] I MEAN HE IS LITERALLY A MURDERER SO YOU CAN'T REALLY FRAME IT AS A BOTH SIDES THING BUT MAN IS THE TEACHER IS JUST FLAT OUT AWFUL. LIKE SHE IS FLAT OUT RUINING HIS LIFE BASED ON HER OWN WEIRD THING, LIKE, HE REALLY WOULD LOSE HIS SCHOLARSHIP IF SHE FAILED HIM FOR BEING A LAWYER THAT "CHEATS" BY NOT MENTIONING LAWS THAT DEFEAT HIS CASE THAT THE OPPOSING LAWYER FORGOT ABOUT AND IF HE LOSES THAT NO WAY IS UNCLE DAD GOING TO LET HIM KEEP GOING.  PS. IF YOU FREEZE FRAME THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING OF HIS DAD COMMITTING SUICIDE THE TEXT IS ALL LIKE "HE WENT UP IN FLAMES LIKE A DRAG QUEEN AT A PRIDE PARADE NOW I HAVE TO JUST WRITE MORE WORDS TO FILL UP THIS SPACE" AND THAT WAS WEIRD BECAUSE IT WAS PRETTY PROMINANTLY ON SCREEN, YOU COULD SEE IT WAS FAKE TEXT AND WHAT IT SAID. 

Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters [movie] I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS ACTUALLY NOT FUNNY AT ALL BUT I WATCHED IT WHEN I WAS KINDA DOWN AND IT MADE ME LAUGH EXTREMELY HARD. TROMA STUFF IS ALWAYS REALLY STUPID BUT IT ALWAYS MANAGES TO BE ACTUALLY KINDA GOOD?  PS. THE SNAKE

Our House [movie] I REALLY LOST TRACK OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING. LIKE I GET THAT "WE BUILT A MACHINE AND DEMONS CAME THROUGH" IS A COMMON ENOUGH PLOT THAT YOU CAN JUST GLOSS OVER IT BUT I WAS SO UNCLEAR OF WHAT ANYONE WAS DOING. WHO WAS ALICE? WHAT WAS THE PLAN WITH BECCA? WHY DID THE MONSTER FROM INK WANT TO MAKE IT'S WIGGLY FINGERS TOUCH THE LITTLE GIRL WHILE HOLDING HER WITH IT'S REGULAR FINGERS?  PS. THE BEST PART OF THIS WAS THAT THE FIRST MAJOR THING HE SAW WAS TURNING ON THE RECORD PLAYER. THE WHOLE IDEA OF THE MACHINE WAS TO MAKE WIRELESS POWER THEN SOMETHING ELECTRICAL TURNED ON WIRELESSLY AND HE IMMEDIATELY WAS LIKE "OH NO, IT'S GHOSTS!" ABOUT HIS OWN INVENTION HE JUST MADE

Cemetery Man [movie] I LOVE HOW MUCH THIS KEEPS SETTING UP THE THINGS YOU THINK A MOVIE WOULD BE ABOUT THEN JUST CONTINUOUSLY GOES ON TO SOMETHING ELSE AND LIKE HOW MUCH IT FLOATS BETWEEN BEING A STUPID DUMB MOVIE AND AN ART MOVIE.   PS: WHAT?