Capital Reviews

DOCUMENTARIES LIKE THIS FREAK ME OUT. BUT THE PART THAT FREAKS ME OUT THE MOST IS THEY ALWAYS HAVE A TONE OF "WE NEED TO SHAPE UP RIGHT NOW OR WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE", BUT THEY ALWAYS LEAVE OUT THE POSSIBILITY MAYBE WE COULD SHAPE UP AND STILL DIE. WELP I GUESS! PS. I NEVER FIGURED OUT WHAT THE STOCK FOOTAGE BLACK AND WHITE FOOTAGE WAS ACTUALLY ORIGINALLY TALKING ABOUT. 

REMEMBER THAT TERRIBLE ELF BOWLING GAME THEY MADE LIKE 10 YEARS AGO? THEY ALSO MADE A TERRIBLE MOVIE OUT OF IT. PS. TOM KENNY IN A MOVIE WITH BOTH PIRATES AND NAUTICAL THEMES *AND* PENGUINS AND ICE MAGIC? HMMM

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A CHRISTIAN WHO GOES TO COLLEGE AND PROFESSOR KEVIN SORBO ASSIGNS HIM TO PROVE GOD EXISTS BECAUSE HE HAS A DEVIL BEARD. BUT AT THE SAME TIME LIKE TWELVE MILLION SUBPLOTS ARE HAPPENING. LIKE A MUSLIM WITH AN EVIL DAD THAT HATES CHRISTIAND AND A REPORTER WITH CANCER AND AN AFRICAN MINISTER WHO IS ALWAYS HAPPY WHILE TRYING TO GET TO DISNEY WORLD AND A CHINESE STUDENT WITH A DIFFRENT DAD THAT HATES CHRISTIANS, AND ALSO DUCK DYNASTY IS THERE.   PS. DONT WORRY, IN THE END HE PROVES GOD IS REAL AND THE WHOLE CLASS AGREES AND THEN THE PROFESSOR *DIES* BECAUSE THE KID WAS SO RIGHT. 

THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT THE SYMPETHETIC GOOD BUISNESS MAN IS AN ARMS DEALER AND THE EVIL BUISNESS HAD THE EVIL PLAN TO REDEVELOP SOME UGLY FAILING SHIPYARD INTO HOUSES. ALSO GEORGE COSTANZA ALWAYS DID SEEM LIKE A RAPIST.     PS. HER LAST NAME IS LIKE MY LAST NAME! (I THINK I GOT THE TITLE BACK AT THE TOP OF THESE POSTS?)

AKA. LEGEND OF THE TITANIC 2. AN ANIMATED MOVIE ABOUT HOW SURVIVORS OF THE TITANIC GO IN A BATHYSPHERE TO TRY TO SEARCH FOR THE MYTHICAL(!?) SHIP BUT GET ATTACKED BY JAIL SHARKS AND THEN GO TO DOG HELL AND MEET SATAN IN ATLANTIS AND THEN ALSO LIVING TOYS LIVE IN ATLANTIS AND THEN THEY SHOOT MISSILES THAT SHOOT LASERS AT ATTACKING SCUBA DIVERS WHICH BURNS THEM AND MAKES THEIR SKELETONS VISIBLE AND THEN GIVES THEM BRAIN DAMAGE THAT APPARENTLY LEADS TO INSANITY. THEN SEA SATAN EXILES EVERYONE TO A DESERTED ISLAND WITH ONLY THE TITANIC FOR COMPANY. THE END. - PS. ACTUALLY DESPITE BEING SO WALL TO WALL INSANE THIS MOVIE WAS PAINFULLY SLOW MOVING AND I WAS HAVING ISSUES STAYING AWAKE AT PARTS.

PARTS OF THIS HELD UP REAL WELL AND PARTS DIDN'T. IT'S ALSO A WHOS WHO OF 90S COMEDIANS I FORGOT EXISTED. - PS. THE MOST 90S PART IS THEY DID THE JACKHAMMER JOKE WITHOUT HER SAYING SHE LIKED IT. IF IT WAS TODAY THAT IS SUCH AN EASY JOKE BUT I GUESS IT WAS 2EDGY4THE90S.

THIS STORY IS LIKE 11 MINUTES LONG, PRETTY MUCH NOTHING HAPPENED. PS. GOD SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE GOOD ENOUGH TO REPLACE RSS GRAFFITI, I'M LIKE, MAKING IFITT RECIPES AT THIS POINT. JESUS CHRIST.

OH GOD I HATE THIS GAME SO MUCH AND LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH. IT'S VIDEOGAMES THE VIDEOGAME. IT'S A GROSS FAN SERVICE JRPG ABOUT VIDEOGAMES. 4 GODDESSES (REPRESENTING NINTENDO, XBOX, PLAYSTATION AND SEGA) TEAM UP AND OUT SEGA THEN HAVE TO TEAM UP TO FIGHT A BIGGER FOE (R4 PIRACY CARTRIDGES). AND JUST EVERY FUCKING LINE IN THE WHOLE GAME IS SOME REFERENCE TO SOMETHING YOU FIGHT MARIO PIPES, A CHARACTER NAMED TEKKEN IS JUST IN YOUR PARTY. YOU HAVE TO GO TO HYROOL, ONE OF THE AREAS IS CALLED THE "NEO-GEO FRONT" AND THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE BASICALLY EVER. ALSO THERE ARE DI GI CHARAT CHARACTERS JUST IN THE GAME FOR SOME REASON? IS DI GI CHARAT A THING THAT EVEN EXISTS BEYOND LIKE 2002? ALSO THE JRPG BATTLE SYSTEM IS REALLY GOOD WITH AN INTERESTING SYSTEM OF BALANCING THREE SEPARATE METERS LIKE THEY KNEW THAT A GAME THIS DORKY WOULDN'T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING IT THAT COULDN'T HANDLE OVERLY COMPLICATED SYSTEMS. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THIS THE WORST SORT OF ANIME GAME FOR S...

ALL THE GOOD SCIFI CAME FROM THE 50S AND 60S SO NOW PEOPLE WRITE THINGS LIKE IT'S THE 1950S TO TRY TO WRITE GOOD SCIFI. BUT THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD AND THE AUDIO VERSION I LISTENED TO HAD A GOOD READER READING IT AND I LIKE THE WEIRD ENDING WHERE IT'S HOPEFUL BUT THERE IS NO ACTUAL REASON TO BE HOPEFUL. PS. THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL REVIEW! RSS GRAFFITI IS JUST GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SO I NEED TO TRY OUT SOME NEW BLOG AUTOMATOR AND I NEEDED SOME DUMB FAKE THING TO REVIEW TO TRY A POST ON HOOTSUITE!

THIS MOVIE WAS SO DARK THAT I THOUGHT I HAD A BAD COPY AND LOOKED TO WATCH IT SOMEWHERE ELSE BUT APPARENTLY IT'S JUST SHOT ALL AT NIGHT AND IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE? THE ONLY THING I SAW IS THAT THE PREDATOR HAS ACID THAT CAN MELT WATER AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. PS. I WATCHED THE FIRST AVP LIKE TEN YEARS AGO, MY REVIEW OF THAT IS: IT WAS BORING.

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS MOVIE WAS STILL COMING OUT SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE BUT INSTEAD I GUESS IT CAME OUT HALF A DECADE AGO? I GUESS EVERY SINGLE PREDATOR MOVIE WAS KINDA NOT GOOD. PS. "FIVE OCLOCK IS BITCH RAPING TIME" AND "SPACE FAGGOT" MADE THIS MOVIE REALLY OFFPUTTING. ITS NOT EVEN LIKE THEY WERE KEEPING TONE WITH THE OLDER MOVIES SINCE THE OLDER MOVIES WERENT DUMB AND EDGY AT ALL. 

THIS MOVIE WASNT VERY GOOD, DID PEOPLE AT THE TIME LIKE THIS? IT WAS BAD PS. PREDATORS SHOULD NOT TALK PROBOBLY.

THIS MOVIE IS WEIRD BECAUSE IT REALLY IS A WAR MOVIE THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE AN ALIEN SHOW UP INSTRAD OF BEING A SCIFI MOVIE SET IN A WAR. IT ALSO HAS A LOT OF 80S AS HELL DIALOG THAT IS GREAT. PS. IT ALSO HAS 80S AS HELL SOUNDTRACK AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY AT ALL. 

I LIKE THAT MY BIGGEST COMPLAINT IS THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE WAS SO CLICHE AND THAT I COULD SEE EVERY SINGLE PLOT TWIST COMING FROM A MILE AWAY BUT IF YOU EVEN ASKED ME BASIC QUESTIONS ABOUT ANY PLOT POINT I WILL HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I WAS TOTALLY LOST AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING. (I DID UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO SIT ON A TV GUIDE TO BE HIGH ENOUGH TO SEE GHOSTS). PS. OKAY, WHY THE HELL DID THEY BLUR OUT THE ULTRASONIC TRANSMADOOBIE?

I WATCHED THIS MOVIE YEARS AND YEARS AGO AND BASICALLY COULD ONLY REMEMBER THE END PART WITH THE GOOD TIME TRAVEL SHENANIGANS LIKE REMEMBERING TO LEAVE A KEY OR SOMETHING. IT TURNS OUT THE REASON THAT WAS THE ONLY PART I COULD REMEMBER IS BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS MOSTLY AWFUL AND THAT WAS THE ONLY GOOD OR FUNNY PART. PS. FREUD HOLDING THE CORNDOG SUGGESTIVELY WAS ALSO SORT OF FUNNY I GUESS.

THIS MOVIE SEEMED TO BE ABOUT 80% MUSIC MONTAGES THAT I DIDN'T LOOK AT AND THUS MISSED A MAJORITY OF THE PLOT THAT EXISTED. PS. THE APACHE HELICOPTER JOKE WAS ALMOST SORT OF FUNNY BY HOW WEIRD AND UNEXPECTED IT WAS. ALTHOUGH ALSO: KINDA RACIST?

GOD THIS GAME IS FUCKED UP. LIKE JUST ALL SORTS OF WEIRD STUFF IS SUPER DISTURBING. NOT LEAST OF ALL THE AMOUNT OF PAIN TRANSFORMATION MASKS CLEARLY CAUSE AND HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM ON AND OFF. ALSO I LOVE HOW THE DEKU AND GORON ARE ALREADY DEAD BUT YOU PRETTY CLEARLY JUST MURDER THE ZORA WITH THE 'SONG OF HEALING'.  PS. I PLAY ZELDA GAMES WITHOUT A GUIDE WHENEVER POSSIBLE AND THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BAD BECAUSE ULTIMATELY I NEVER FIND ALL THAT MUCH. I BEAT THIS GAME WITH 14 OF THE MASKS, 4 BOTTLES, AND 8 FULL HEARTS. I DIDN'T GET ANY OF THE GREAT FAERIES BUT I DID GET THE GILDED SWORD. (I ALSO GOT EPONA THIS TIME, I DON'T THINK IT'S OPTIONAL, BUT I ALSO DON'T THINK IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OPTIONAL IN THE OTHER GAME EITHER BUT WELP!)

I FEEL LIKE A COUPLE OF THESE WERE LEGITIMATELY DISTURBING, BUT MORE THAN THAT I LIKE THAT SOME OF THE DUMBEST ONES WITH THE MOST CARTOONY CONCEPTS ENDED UP BEING THE SCARIEST ONES. ALSO I LIKE THAT THE ZORB ONE WAS CLEARLY SUPPOSED TO BE Z BUT THEY FOR SOME REASON MOVED IT TO W. PS. CLEARLY THE BEST ONE WAS THE ONE WHERE HOWARD MOON GOT EATEN BY RADIOACTIVE BADGERS.

SLIDERS HARDLY MADE UP THE UNIVERSE HOPPING THING BUT GOD DAMN THIS IS CLEARLY SLIDERS. LIKE SO EXACTLY. LIKE THEY EVEN GOT THEM THE EYGYPTIAN TIMER BY THE END. PS. THIS WAS A FAILED PILOT THEY JUST MADE INTO A MOVIE INSTEAD. WHY DID THEY MAKE A FOX PILOT FOR ANOTHER SLIDERS? 

THIS MOVIE IS KINDA SUPER AMAZING. IT IS THE MOST 80S MOVIE EVER MADE. IT IS EARLY ENOUGH THAT IT'S A MOVIE USING 'WE NEED TO SAVE THE COMMUNITY YOUTH CENTER' IN A TOTALLY UNIRONIC AND NON-JOKING WAY AND THEY SAVE IT VIA A DANCE OFF. ALSO EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GREAT AND YOU SHOULD WATCH IT ASAP. PS. I FEEL LIKE I ONLY WAS VAGUELY AWARE THIS WAS A REAL MOVIE THAT REALLY EXISTED AND DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK TO ACTUALLY WATCH IT TILL RIGHT NOW. IT'S LIKE THAT TIME I WATCHED 'BLACKULA' BUT THAT MOVIE WAS REALLY BORING AND THIS MOVIE WAS A MAGIC WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD. ON ROTTEN TOMATOS IT'S GOT LIKE A 30 SO APPARENTLY EVERYONE HATES IT? IT'S SUCH A PERFECT MOVIE. EVEN THE DUMB PARTS ARE GREAT. PS. OKAY, SO, WHAT THE HELL IS THE STATUS OF DIE ANTWOORD IN THIS UNIVERSE? IS THE CONCEPT THAT THEY BECOME HOMELESS PEOPLE IN SOUTH AFRICA BY 2016? THE BAND CLEARLY EXISTS IN UNIVERSE. IS THERE A SECOND NINJA AND YOLANDI THAT IS THE BAND AND MOMMY AND DADDY JUST HAPPEN TO BE AN UNRELATED NINJA AND YOLANDI WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE FANS? ARE THEY COSPLAYING?

THIS WAS KINDA MOSTLY JUST SCIENCE METAPHORS THAT WEREN'T ACTUALLY HAPPENING THEN LIKE AN END PART WHERE IT WAS LIKE 'OKAY, I GUESS IT REALLY WAS HAPPENING'. THE NEBULA AWARDS HAVE GOTTEN WEIRD. THEY ARE ALL FANTASY NOW AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT FANTASY. PS. I FEEL LIKE THIS ONLY WAS A SHORT STORY AND WAS ONLY SCI-FI AT ALL BECAUSE THE AUTHOR HAD A REALLY GOOD IDEA OF WRITING A BOOK ABOUT HOW THE STAGES OF LIFE IN A WAR WERE LIKE THE STATES OF MATTER BUT THEN RAN OUT OF IDEAS AND JUST DECIDED TO ABRUPTLY END AN INTERESTING STORY BY HAVING HER GO YELL AT A LITERAL DEMON ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT LOVE IS.