Capital Reviews

Get Me Roger Stone [movie, nonfiction] JESUS, I KNEW A BULLET POINT SUMMARY OF WHO RODGER STONE IS BUT I DON'T THINK I EVER REALLY REALIZED HOW FULLY ENTIRELY HE IS THE ACTUAL DEVIL. HE REALLY DID HAVE A HAND IN EVERY BAD THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN AMERICA IN A GENERATION. HE ALSO IS A WEIRD OLD MAN MUSCLE WEIRDO WITH A TATTOO OF NIXON ON HIS BACK? WHAT THE HELL. THE TITLE AT LEAST IS WAY FUNNIER NOW! PS. IT'S CRAZY TO WATCH STUFF WHERE TRUMP TALKS EVEN A FEW YEARS AGO. HE'S CLEARLY A DUMB RACIST IDIOT FOREVER AND EVER BUT LIKE, EVEN LIKE 4 YEARS AGO HE DOESN'T TALK IN THE WEIRD MUSH BRAIN WORD SALAD THAT HE DOES NOW.

When we were orphans [book] IT IS SUCH A RELIEF TO LOOK IT UP AND FIND OUT KAZUO ISHIGURO HIMSELF DOESN'T LIKE THIS BOOK MUCH. IT'S NOT THE WORST BOOK EVER BUT IT'S SO GOD DAMN PESSIMISTIC I CAN'T TAKE IT. IT'S LIKE AMAZINGLY WRITTEN SCENES (LIKE KIDS KNOWING THEY ARE IN TROUBLE BUT UNABLE TO DEAL WITH IT CORRECTLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PLAYING A GAME AND KNOWING THE GAME IS RUINING THEIR ABILITY TO FIX THINGS BUT STILL NOT STOPPING) BUT ALL THE SCENES ARE CONNECTED WITH ABSURDLY DULL PARTY SCENES AND THE WHOLE THEME OF THE BOOK IS SOME SORT OF "ANYTHING YOU THOUGHT WAS IMPORTANT REALLY KINDA IS A LETDOWN AND DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE LIKE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD" AND YOU CAN SEE THE DNA OF BURIED GIANT WHERE REMEMBERING THINGS WRONG IS THE WAY PEOPLE COPE AND SURVIVE AND MAYBE IT'S NOT BETTER TO REMEMBER THINGS OR SEE THINGS ACCURATELY, BUT DAMN THIS JUST TAKES IT IN SUCH A DOWNER DIRECTION, WHERE THE MESSAGE IS JUST THAT IF YOU EVER CARED ABOUT ANYTHING IT...

Glittermitten Grove [game] DAMN IT. I HAVE REALLY MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS. OR RATHER I PAID 3 DOLLARS FOR THIS AND I AM PRETTY SURE IF I HAD PAID 25 DOLLARS FOR THIS LIKE IS THE FULL PRICE THAT I WOULDN'T BE SAYING MIXED FEELINGS. THIS GAME IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, THE CENTRAL EARLY 90S SHAREWARE TEXT MODE GAME IS LIKE, CLEVER AND CUTE, STUFF LIKE BATTLE CHESS ARE LIKE "OH COOL, SOMEONE HAD A REAL IDEA FOR A MINIGAME" AND BIKER CHICKS HAS LIKE 100 UNLOCKABLE CHARACTERS AND THEY ARE ALL REAL FULLY MADE CHARACTERS AND STUFF LIKE THE OBAMA SHAVER GAME WAS LEGITIMATELY HILARIOUS, BUT LIKE, DAMN IT, THERE IS JUST NOTHING TO THIS, IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAMES IN FROG FRACTIONS WERE GREAT GAMES,BUT IT WAS THE EXTREME EVER EXPANDING INSANITY THAT MADE IT, THE CONTINUOUS STORY WHERE IT WAS THE SAME FROG DOING A BUNCH OF STUFF WITH REASONING WHY, NOT JUST SOME PART YOU TOUCH A COLORED SQUARE THEN HAVE TO PLAY "WHAT IF IT WAS FLAPPY BIRD BUT COOKIE CLICKER ALSO" FOR...

FYRE: The Greatest Party That Never Happened [movie, nonfiction] THIS WAS WEIRD BECAUSE IT DID SUCH A GOOD JOB GIVING REALLY IN DEPTH CONTEXT OF EVERYTHING AROUND THE WHOLE SETUP AND AFTERMATH OF THE FESTIVAL THEN THE ACTUAL FESTIVAL ITSELF IS LIKE, 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE AND THAT IS IT. PS. THE WATER CUSTOMS THING!

Cuphead [game] HOLY CRAP HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SOMETHING TO BE ANIMATED THIS WELL? NOT JUST HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GAME TO BE, BUT HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR *ANYTHING* TO BE? THIS ISN'T REALLY SOME NEW OBSERVATION THAT I AM THE FIRST PERSON TO MAKE BUT GOD DAMN IS THIS WELL ANIMATED.  ALSO GOD DAMN THIS GAME IS HARD, I BEAT THE DEVIL WITH AN A RANKING AND STEAM STATS SAYS ONLY 3.3% OF PLAYERS MANAGED THAT, AND ONLY 13% EVEN BEAT THE GAME AT ALL, AND I CAN SEE WHY, I SPENT LIKE 5 HOURS JUST FIGHTING THE STUPID DRAGON OVER AND OVER (I KILLED THE ROBOT IN LIKE 6 TRIES THOUGH, MAYBE BY LUCK THOUGH). PS. IS THERE A FETISH COMMUNITY FOR WATCHING FLIRTY MERMAIDS GET BITTEN BY ELECTRIC EELS AND TURNED INTO EVIL MEDUSAS BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT IS MY FAVORITE ANIMATION IN ANYTHING EVER.

Sorry to Bother You [movie] THIS IS A REALLY GOOD MOVIE THAT HAS A COMPLEX MESSAGE THAT IS LIKE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION OF LITTLE DIZZLE AND LIKE, ROBOCOP. I VERY MUCH LIKE THE IDEA THAT DAVID CROSS IS THE PERFECT WHITE VOICE BECAUSE YEAH. PS. I SURE DID THINK I KNEW THE THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE AND SURE DID ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE!

Into the Forest [movie] THIS MOVIE IS REALLY WEIRD, I LIKE SMALL APOCALYPSE MOVIES LIKE THIS BUT THIS FELT SO MEANDERING.  I LIKED IT FOR A WHILE BECAUSE IT HAD A GOOD TONE OF EVERYONE BEING TENSE BUT LIKE, SOMEWHAT FRIENDLY, WHICH APOCALYPSE MOVIES NEVER DO. THEN IT ABANDONED THAT FOR THE "ACTUALLY WE WERE THE REAL MONSTERS" THAT EVERYTHING EVER HAS DONE. ALSO LIKE A SOLID HALF OF THE LINES IN THIS MOVIE ARE PEOPLE YELLING "EVA" A LOT, LIKE THIS WAS WALL-E. PS. I MOSTLY WATCHED THIS BECAUSE OF THE WEIRD DANCE SCENE IN THE NETFLIX PREVIEW.

Dinosaurs at Dusk [movie] IN THEORY THIS WAS AN EDUCATIONAL MOVIE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FLIGHT IN DINOSAURS BUT IT WAS *THE WORST* QUALITY AND IT WAS UTTERLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. IT CAME OUT IN 2013 BUT HAD LIKE SUB 1993 COMPUTER ANIMATION, BUT ALSO THE PLOT MADE NO SENSE AND THE SCRIPT SEEMED VAGUELY NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT UTTERLY AND HOW BAD IT WAS, ALSO IT WAS MADE FOR PLANETARIUM DOMES BUT NEVER REALLY UTILIZED THAT MUCH ANY, SINCE THE VISUALS WERE HOT TRASH. PS. THE MOST BAFFLING PART OF THIS WAS HOW WEIRDLY OBSESSED THIS WAS WITH MODES OF TRANSPORT. LIKE THE MOVIE WOULD CONSTANTLY CUT FROM ANYTHING TO DO WITH DINOSAURS TO RUN SOME THIN PREMISE FOR THEM TO GET IN A NEW TYPE OF CAR OR PLANE OR BOAT, LIKE IT CARED MORE ABOUT SHOWCASING VEHICLES THAN ABOUT DINOSAURS.

The Deer [play] MAN THIS WAS GOOD, ALTHOUGH THE BEST PART IS THAT THE LEG OF THE DEER FELL OFF AND IT BOTH SEEMED LIKE IT WAS A PUPPET MALFUNCTION AND ALSO 100% HAPPENED AT A TIME IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. SO I KIND OF WANT TO SEE THE WHOLE PLAY AGAIN JUST TO FIND OUT IF THE LEG WAS OR WASN'T SUPPOSED TO COME OFF. PS. ULTIMATELY IT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION TONE WISE BUT I'M SUPER DISAPPOINTED THE LADY'S DEER DIDN'T COME BACK "NO, MINE IS WORSE, THEY COME, THE JEWS, AND MY FAMILY IS THERE, AND THEY CHOP THEM UP, THEN RAPE ME, THEN THEY BRING MY FAMILY BACK TO LIFE AND CHOP THEM UP AGAIN", LIKE THE GUY'S DEER WAS GOOD, BUT THE LADY'S DEER WAS JUST THE ABSOLUTE WORST PERSON AND IT WAS GREAT.

Rune Awakening:The Necromancer's Daughter Book 1 [book] THIS IS LIKE HARRY POTTER EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A WIZARD HARRY HE TURNED OUT TO BE A NECROMANCER, I GUESS IN THAT ANALOGY RON WOULD BE THE ZOMBIE? IF RON WAS JAMES POTTER'S SLAVE. ALSO A FISH MAN NAMED AFTER THE UNDERTALE KID LIVES IN THUNDER HOLE, OR LIKE, A DIFFERENT THUNDER HOLE WITH A GROSSER NAME. ALSO "MY EX-TENDED EDITION OF TERMINATOR 2" WAS THE BEST JOKE IN THE WHOLE BOOK. PS. I KNOW THE AUTHOR OF THIS ONE! I'VE MET THEM! AND THEY ARE READING THIS! AND WILL GET THE EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT THING WHERE YOU WERE AT A NEWS STORY AND YOU NOTICE THE REPORT GETS EVERY SINGLE MINOR DETAIL  WRONG AND THEN HAVE TO WONDER IF EVERY OTHER NEWS STORY IS LIKE THAT TOO. SINCE THIS IS NOTHING LIKE HARRY POTTER AND THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT THE FISH MAN IS NAMED AND ALL MY REVIEWS ARE AWFUL.

Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker [game] THIS GAME IS REAL GOOD, BUT MAN DOES IT FEEL ANGRY ABOUT MY SYSTEM CHOICE TO PLAY IT ON. LIKE IT'S NOT A 3DS SO DEPTH IS SUPER HARD TO JUDGE BUT THEN I'M NOT PLAYING IT ON A TV SO IT'S SUPER HARD TO PRESS THE SCREEN WHILE CONTROLLING TOAD, SO A BUNCH OF LEVELS I PLAYED BY CONTROLLING IT WITH MY HANDS AND PRESSING ON SCREEN PROMPTS WITH MY NOSE, WHICH IS HONESTLY A VERY CUTE WAY TO PLAY A VIDEOGAME. PS. BEST GAME OVER SCREEN IN ALL OF HISTORY. ALSO I DO APPRECIATE THAT THE GAME GIVES YOU 3 LIVES BUT THEN ALWAYS SENDS YOU TO MUSHROOM HELL WHERE YOU JUST AUTOMATICALLY GET 2 MORE LIVES. IT'S A GOOD PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICK, GETTING MORE THAN 3 LIVES FEELS DUMBED DOWN BUT GETTING TWO MORE BEFORE YOU EVEN GET BACK TO LEVEL SELECT FEELS COOL. 

The Little Hours [movie] CONCEPTUALLY I LOVE THIS MOVIE, IT'S A LOOSE REMAKE OF A 1400S SET OF STORIES INTO A WEIRD MODERN THING ABOUT NUNS LIVING IN A CONVENT WHERE IT'S EVERY HIPSTER COMEDIAN AND SOME CHARACTERS TALK IN MODERN ENGLISH AND SOME TALK OLDE TIMEY. BUT IT WAS JUST KINDA REALLY BORING. I WANTED TO REALLY LIKE IT BUT I MOSTLY WAS FALLING ASLEEP? IT JUST KINDA HAD THE ONE JOKE, OF SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING TOO MODERN IN AN OLDE TIMEY CONTEXT. PS. I THINK I ALSO HAVE A HANG UP WHERE I DON'T LIKE MOVIES WHERE FEMALE COMEDIANS ARE NAKED? LIKE I DON'T HATE DRAMAS WHERE ACTRESSES DO NUDE SCENES OR EVEN COMEDIES WHERE THERE IS NAKED JOKES BUT SOMETHING ALWAYS WEIRDS ME OUT WHEN KNOWN COMEDIANS ARE NAKED. LIKE THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FOR SOME REASON I CAN'T QUITE THINK OF? IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE FOR SOME REASON?

Aviary Attorney [game] WOW THIS GAME IS GOOD. IT FEELS LIKE IT SO EASILY COULD HAVE PASSED ON BEING GOOFY AND BEING A ONE NOTE JOKE OF BEING PHOENIX WRIGHT BUT WITH WEIRD BIRD ART BUT IT ACTUALLY MANAGED TO ACTUALLY HAVE ACTUALLY ENGAGING MYSTERIES AND ACTUALLY GOOD STORY.  LIKE THIS IS SERIOUSLY A GOOD SET OF MURDER MYSTERIES SET IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION BUT LIKE, EVERYONE IS BIRDS AND CATS AND STUFF AND SAY PUNS A BUNCH. PS. THE ART IS THE BEST, THE BEST!