Capital Reviews

OH HEY, THE TITLE REALLY IS SPELLED LIKE THAT. ALSO LOOKING THAT UP I LOOKED UP HOW TRUE THE STORY WAS AND WELP, HE WAS HOMELESS BUT HE WAS ALSO A DUDE THAT WAS PUBLISHED IN MEDICAL JOURNALS AND MAKING 2000 DOLLARS A MONTH AT THAT INTERNSHIP, ALSO IT'S REAL WEIRD THEY MADE UP THE BONE DENSITY SCANNER SALESMAN THING BECAUSE THAT WAS SOMETHING I WAS GOING TO COMMENT ON HOW MOVIES BASED ON TRUE STORIES SOMETIMES HAVE WEIRD STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S REALLY HAPPENED, AND NOT SOMETHING THEY GET TO PICK FOR RESONANCE, I GUESS HE WAS A LAB ASSISTANT AND SOLD MEDICAL EQUIPMENT? SO MAYBE HE HAD TO SELL A BONE DENSITY SCANNER AT SOME POINT? PS. WHY WAS THERE SO MANY BONE DENSITY SCANNER CHASE SCENES? THERE WAS SERIOUSLY LIKE 4, IF YOU COUNT THE CAB THING WHICH WASN'T REALLY ONE BUT WAS A CALLBACK TO ONE AND ENDED WITH HIM LOSING THE BONE DENSITY SCANNER TO THE TIME MACHINE DUDE.

IT TOOK ME LIKE 90% OF THE MOVIE TO FIGURE OUT IT WAS SET IN THE MID 1970S AND NOT THE 1930S OR SOMETHING BUT I GUESS IF YOU WANT BACKWARDS TREATMENT OF WOMEN THE TWO PLACES TO LOOK ARE AMONG ATHLETES AND AMONG THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, SO WELP! PS. IT WAS WEIRD THAT THEY SHOWED ACTUAL FOOTAGE AT THE END BECAUSE THEY CLEARLY WERE WEARING GOOFY BUT FAR LESS GOOFY COSTUMES AND THAT WAS A MAJOR POINT IN THE MOVIE, HOW GOOFY THEY LOOKED. IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU ACTUALLY SHOW IT.

THIS MOVIE AND THE BOOK IT'S BASED ON ARE SHAMELESS HARRY POTTER RIP OFFS AND I LOVE THAT HARRY ANALOG IS A DEMIGOD, HERMIONIE ANALOG IS A GODDESS OF WISDOM AND THEN RON ANALOG IS A SASSY GOAT. PS. I KNOW IT TURNED OUT IT WAS THE KINDA MINOTAUR THAT JUST TELEPORTS YOU BUT PERCY SEEMED TO GET OVER HIS MOM BEING MURDERED PRETTY FAST AND WAS READY TO GO TO A SEXY NYMPH PARTY LIKE THE NEXT DAY AFTER ALREADY GETTING A CRUSH ON A GIRL AND BEING ALL EXCITED ABOUT WINNING CAPTURE THE FLAG.

I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE DID A GOOD JOB COMMUNICATING THAT A MAGNETIC TORNADO WOULD BE BAD, BUT IT KINDA NEVER GOT ACROSS THAT IT WAS IN ANY WAY ACTUALLY WORSE THAN A REGULAR TORNADO, IT REALLY JUST SEEMED LIKE MAYBE 75% AS BAD AS A REGULAR TORNADO BECAUSE IT ONLY BLEW AROUND METAL THINGS INSTEAD OF BLOWING AROUND EVERYTHING. I GUESS IT MADE A CHAIN SAW COME TO LIFE BUT THAT ONLY CUT HATS. PS. THE WHOLE PARIS SUB PLOT WAS SO OBVIOUSLY BASED ON MAKING THE EFFIL TOWER COME APART THAT IT WAS WEIRD THAT THAT HAPPENED IN SUCH A MINOR SCENE THEN AT THE END THEY WERE KINDA LIKE 'WELP, EVERYONE IN PARIS DIED OFF SCREEN' AND NO ONE REALLY CARED.

DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A ROBOCOP 6? PS. IT IS EXACTLY AS GOOD AS ROBOCOP 6 SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BE.

I REMEMBER I FOUND SOME SLIME MOLD WHEN I WAS LIKE IN 1ST GRADE AND THEN WENT AND READ THE ENTIRE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE THAT WAS THE ANDREW ORIGIN STORY. I LIKE ANYTHING THAT TALKS ABOUT SLIME MOLD FOR THAT REASON. PS. I KNOW IT WAS A DEMONSTRATION NOT A REAL EXPERIMENT BUT IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY HOW MUCH HE WAS MESSING WITH THINGS! I BIT MY SHIRT IT WAS BUGGING ME SO MUCH!

I GOTTA SAY THAT THE ADVERTISING OF THIS MOVIE WAS FAIRLY VAGUE ABOUT THE CENTRAL PREMISE OF THIS MOVIE, IS THERE A REASON THEY WANTED TO BURY THIS BEING MOSTLY BEAR BASED DRAMA? ALSO LOL AT THE ENDING BEING 'TOMBOY SAVES DAY VIA THE POWER OF LEARNING TO SEW' PS. OH MAN THE WILL O WISPS AND THE WITCH WERE THE MOST MIYAZAKI THING!

I REALLY DO NOT LIKE EUGINE LEVY, EVERY OTHER CHARACTER WAS DOWN TO EARTH AND PLAUSIBLE BUT HE HAD TO HAVE SCENES WITH WACKY SLAPSTICK OR GOOFY NONSENSE AND IT FELT VERY GOOBY. PS. ON THE OTHER HAND EVERYONE ELSE WAS HILARIOUS AND THIS EVEN HAD A GOOD ROLE FOR FRED WILLARD: BEING UNBEARABLE.

THIS GAME WAS REALLY BAD AT BEING A GAME BUT REALLY PRETTY GOOD ANYWAY. IT HAS A GREAT ATMOSPHERE BUT DOES A TERRIBLE JOB TELLING YOU WHAT THINGS YOU CAN DO ARE GOOD OR ARE HARMING YOU. PS. THIS GAME REPEATEDLY USES INTERACTION WITH CATS AS A SYMBOL FOR GAINING MENTAL HEALTH. WELP.~!

I WON'T SAY MUCH SO I DON'T SPOILER ANYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS A FLAT OUT GREAT MOVIE BUT OH MAN BANE HAS THE WORST VOICE ACTING I CAN REMEMBER BEING IN A MOVIE WITH A REAL BUDGET, WHAT THE HELL? PS. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS THAT IF YOU LOOK AT THE CAT WOMAN COSTUME SHE'S NOT ACTUALLY DRESSED LIKE A CAT, SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE SHE IS DRESSED LIKE A CAT.

I WANT TO GET MAD AT THIS MOVIE FOR DOING THAT THING WHERE YOU MAKE SLAVERY NOT PART OF AMERICAN HISTORY BUT REALLY AN OUTSIDE THING BROUGHT ON BY ALIEN OTHERS BUT THIS MOVIE WAS SO GENERIC AND FOLLOWED ACTION MOVIE CLICHES SO TIGHTLY IT'S HARD TO EVEN SEE THAT THIS MOVIE HAD A VOICE ENOUGH TO HAVE A MORAL. PS. COUNTERPOINT: THE HORSE SCENE WAS GENIUS AND FOLLOWED THE ACTION MOVIE LOGIC SO TIGHTLY FOR HOW MOVIE CARS WORK BUT WITH HORSES THAT IT WAS KINDA JUST AWESOME.

I SORT OF FELT LIKE IT WAS MY GOAL IN LIFE TO EVENTUALLY WATCH THIS WHOLE STUPID THING, I CAN'T NOT WATCH A SERIALIZED HIP HOP OPERA MOVIE AND I THINK THE FIRST THIRD OR SO ACTUALLY GOT MORE AND MORE DUMB IN A WAY THAT WAS KINDA AWESOME, THEN THE LAST HALF JUST GOT DUMB IN A WAY THAT GOT MORE AND MORE BORING AND OFFENSIVE. PS. I HOPE THEY NEVER CONTINUE THIS BECAUSE "AND EVERYONE DIED OF AIDS, THE END" IS KINDA A REALLY AWESOME ENDING AND I FEEL LIKE THEY WOULD UNDO IT IF THEY CONTINUED.

SO WHAT *DOES* ETHAN DO DURING HIS BLACKOUTS? JUST HANG AROUND?  ALSO MY LEAST FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN THEY HAD SEX BECAUSE I AM BAD AT BEING ETHAN AND HE HAD BROKEN RIBS AND STUFF AND THAT SOUNDS *AWFUL* PS. THIS GAME WAS VERY THROUGH LETTING YOU CONTROL EACH CHARACTER IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO PEE. 

STEVEN BAXTER IS FAR AND AWAY MY FAVORITE CURRENT SCI-FI AUTHOR BUT HE SEEMS TO LITERALLY HAVE AUTISM, ALL HE DOES IT MAKE UP SUPER AMAZING SCI-FI WORLDS THEN IS TOTALLY UNABLE TO WRITE EVEN A SINGLE CHARACTER, AT BEST YOU WILL GET A GUY WHO IS A SCIENTIST AND HAS THE SOLE MOTIVATION OF FINDING OUT HOW THE WORLD WORKS. (SOMETIMES THE SCIENTIST WILL HAVE A DEAD GIRLFRIEND TOO). PS. THIS BOOK EXPLORED SUCH TOPICS HOW NECK LENGTH AND BIRDS NESTS WOULD WORK IN A WORLD WHERE TIME FLOWED SLOWER AT THE SURFACE AND FASTER EVERY METER YOU WENT UP IN THE AIR. I CAN BARELY NAME THE CHARACTERS, BUT THAT IS WHY I LOVE HIM.

I KEEP WATCHING THESE DUMB MOVIES WHENEVER IT'S LATE AT NIGHT AND REALLY I JUST PLAN TO FALL ASLEEP BUT WHO CAN SLEEP WITH THE NOISE OF SOMEONE HULKING OUT ANYWAY, SO I NEVER DO, AND I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE. PS. THE LITTLE KID GETTING BURNED UP BY THE NUCLEAR BOMB WAS A PRETTY GOOD IMAGE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT IT MADE NO DAMN SENSE.

ANOTHER MOVIE IN THE "MOVIES IT SEEMS LIKE I WOULD HAVE SEEN ALREADY". IT'S GOOD BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS MOVIE SEEMS TO BE AN AWFUL PERSON, PROTAGONIST OR ANTAGONIST, EVERYONE IS AWFUL. PS. ARE THE GRANDPARENTS DEAD NOW? IS THE GIRL THAT SHOT OUT OF THE CHIMNEY?

I THINK I DO A GOOD JOB OF KEEPING UP ON MODERN SCIENCE AT LEAST AT A MATHLESS SUPERFICIAL POP-SCI LEVEL. THIS BOOK DIDN'T HAVE A TON I DIDN'T KNOW BUT IT DID A RAD JOB EXPLAINING HOW WE KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS WE KNOW, AND THAT IS COOL. PS. CARL SAGON > NEIL DEGRASS TYSON > MICHIO KAKU

I REALLY LIKED MEN IN BLACK THEN REALLY REALLY HATED MEN IN BLACK 2, AND I AM SHOCKED BUT THIS MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY GOOD. THE ANDY WARHAL JOKES WERE A+++, IT MANAGED TO HAVE JOKES ABOUT WILL BEING BLACK WITHOUT THEM BEING HORRIBLE (ALTHOUGH IT DIDN'T DO THE SAME WITH THE JOKES ABOUT THE 60S CROSS DRESSERS) AND THE 'YOU KNOW THE THING WHERE' JOKE WAS PRETTY GOOD SO WELP, NOT BAD. PS. I FEEL LIKE WILL SMITH'S WHOLE CAREER IS HIM DEALING WITH FATHER ISSUES.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE WATCHED MORE WOODY ALLEN MOVIES THAN I REALLY HAVE. I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EVERY JOKE IN EVERY WOODY ALLEN MOVIE EVER MADE JUST BY OSMOSIS. PS. THIS IS ONLY MILDLY OFF TOPIC: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT FUTURAMA IS OLD ENOUGH IT HAS NAPSTER JOKES?

WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE OPENING OF THIS MOVIE? NOT THAT IT WAS EXACTLY GOOD BUT DID A SPECIAL EFFECTS COMPANY GO OUT OF BUSINESS AND SELL THEM ALL THEIR TEST FOOTAGE OR SOMETHING? THE BUDGET OF THE RANDOM OPENING JOKE SHOTS WAS CLEARLY TEN TIMES THE BUDGET OF THE ENTIRE REST OF THE MOVIE. PS. I WILL NEVER NOT FIND IT FUNNY WHEN THEY HIRE PORN ACTORS TO DO ACTUAL ACTING ROLES IN NON-PORN MOVIES. IT IS ALWAYS HILARIOUS.

WOULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE ALREADY SEEN THIS? WELL, GET USED TO IT. ONE OF MY GOALS FOR THIS VACATION IS TO WATCH ALL THE MOVIES I SHOULD HAVE SEEN YEARS AGO. PS. WHY IS THE MOVIE SHORTER THAN A TV EPISODE?